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JudyKayTee · Mar 24, 2009, 06:42 PM

I couldn't decide whether this was a dating question or a relationship question so I decided on "here."

I have begun to date now that over a year has passed since my husband died. Met this really great guy, a lot in common, have a lot of fun with him, a lot of attraction. He's a widower (for 5 years). No problems there. I was dating a couple of people but he and I have been sort of informally "exclusive," partially by means of time constraints and partially because we have a good dating relationship and I'm not good at dating this one today and that one tomorrow.

I realize we have very different agendas - he (apparently) promised his wife he would never remarry. I, on the other hand, told my husband that I would go on the best I could, no promises. I always sort of knew this but today I asked.

I have learned to believe what people say and I've posted this before - if a man says, "I love you honey but I'm never getting married again," believe him. Same with men who don't want children. They aren't just moving their lips to fill up their time.

I also am serious - I have never lived with anyone; I will not live with anyone (not a moral judgment, just not for me); I liked being married.

So - at what point do I decide this is not going to turn into what I want and walk away? Now? Give it a month? I would have no problem just playing this until it ends BUT he and I spend a lot of time together, almost to the point where I have no time to work and date anyone else. How much time and energy do I put into this when it's going nowhere?

What would you do in this situation? (I'm not looking to get married tomorrow but at some point I want a lifetime partner and not a live in.)

this8384 · Mar 24, 2009, 07:01 PM

Ahh, the question that never seems to have a good answer :( It's so easy to say "Move on, there will be someone else" but not easy to do when you're the one who has to do the moving.

Here's my latest experience with this issue. My youngest sister started seeing a guy who's Catholic and about 7 years her senior. After a few months, she really began caring about him. The week before Valentine's Day, he told her he couldn't see her anymore because a)she wasn't Catholic and b)the age gap bothered him - he had told her at the beginning that these didn't matter to him. She was heartbroken and is still somewhat hurt by it.

So if you're really serious about this, I think a discussion needs to be had. When he promised his wife that he wouldn't remarry, was it something she actually wanted? Or was it while he was in the process of losing her? Did she object to his promise?

Sometimes people say things to benefit others; he may have thought it would be better for her if he promised to never remarry. But as time goes on, he may change his mind. So I say have the discussion. Word it just as you have here - you don't want to set yourself up for disappointment. You care about him and don't know where it could go, but you want to know that the option is there, should that day come.

If he's not willing to keep that option open - and I do mean truly leave it open for consideration - then I would say cut your losses. It's so much harder to let go later on.

Alty · Mar 24, 2009, 07:02 PM

Judy, there's really no easy answer to this one.

I have met many guys that swore they'd never get married or have kids, then they did, ditto with women.

Now, if it's because he promised his wife (what kind of wife asks for a promise like that, be miserable, I don't want you to be happy without me) then I can see a problem.

The main thing that sticks out in your post is this;

(I'm not looking to get married tomorrow but at some point I want a lifetime partner and not a live in.)

Are you completely 100% sure that he'll never change his mind? How important is the promise to him? Will he keep it, no matter what and do you want to spend years on this man only to find out that he will not ever change his mind? It's time to talk to him about this and about how you feel.

If, after you talk to him, you both realize that neither one of you will ever change your minds about marriage, then maybe it's best if you two just be friends. Nothing wrong with that, no point in continuiing something that will not end the way you hope for.

There are plenty of fish in the sea, maybe it's best to throw this one back before you want to stuff him and mount him on your wall.

Okay, not one of my best sayings, but I tried. ;)

jjwoodhull · Mar 24, 2009, 07:12 PM

I think he would have guilt issues to overcome if he went back on his promise to his wife. (Although, for the record, I don't understand why she wouldn't want him to be happy.) So the question is more for you: Is marriage something you definitely want in the future?

If you are still unsure, then I think you should continue to date him. However, once you are sure that marriage is a deal breaker, it is time to move on. Dragging it out will only make things more difficult in the end.

HighandDryinnNy · Mar 24, 2009, 07:47 PM

JudyKayTee, you have given me some great advice and I would like to say that I am truly sorry for your losses.
People can change, and love shouldn't be (and certainly isn't) black and white. If you ended it, and find that you missed him, would you not go back because the living situation was not what you wanted?

starbuck8 · Mar 24, 2009, 09:33 PM

This is a tough one Jude. I seem to have the hardest time giving my best advice to someone I consider a good friend, and know a bit of history on the situation. It should be the other way around, I know.

He has been a widower for several more years than you have been a widow. He may have this totally cemented in his head. I also wonder if he made this promise on his wife's death bed, and now feels he is held to that or it would be a betrayal, and lightening would strike him down, so to speak, if he were ever to break this promise.

As Alty mentioned, I don't know why a wife would ask this of her husband. Do you know if this was agreed upon between them, or if this is just something he alone decided.

I definitely would sit down and explain to him that you are at a time in your life where you have to make some decisions for your own happiness, and explain the reasons you feel marriage is a priority, and although not in the foreseeable future, you need to know if it would ever be an option that he might at some point be open to.

I would bring this up gradually, although obviously you've already discussed the matter somewhat. Tell him your take on the matter, and just listen closely to how he responds to what you say to him.

Ask him why he would date, be in a relationship, and go through all of the motions, but not "seal the deal" so to speak. Are there religious reasons having to do with the sanctity of marriage? Has he got children or family that he thinks he would disappoint, or is it just this "promise?"

If it is just this "promise", I might question how he squares it away in his mind, that he can be in a relationship but not sign official papers to protect a life partner, should it ever get to that point in your relationship. I know that may be one of the things you would be worried about, given your past situation.

If either of you after having an inlength discussion about this, decide that you are both firm in your convictions and are not going to budge, then I would get out of this before you develop deeper feelings for him. If it wasn't meant to be and doesn't feel right for both of you, then it just isn't.

Hope that helped some, and good luck. I hope it goes well for you! :)

JudyKayTee · Mar 26, 2009, 08:53 AM

Know why I love you guys? Because I took a deep breath and said, "I think we're on different pages here." He took a deep breath back, looked startled and said, "I didn't mean you."

So we will continue to date and I have some peace of mind that I'm not wasting time.

I hate dating. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I had a nice, peaceful, for the rest of my life life - or so I thought. Crap happens.

this8384 · Mar 26, 2009, 08:55 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Know why I love you guys? Because I took a deep breath and said, "I think we're on different pages here." He took a deep breath back, looked startled and said, "I didn't mean you."

So we will continue to date and I have some peace of mind that I'm not wasting time.

Fantastic!!!!!! :D

starbuck8 · Mar 26, 2009, 09:00 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Know why I love you guys? Because I took a deep breath and said, "I think we're on different pages here." He took a deep breath back, looked startled and said, "I didn't mean you."

So we will continue to date and I have some peace of mind that I'm not wasting time.

I hate dating. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I had a nice, peaceful, for the rest of my life life - or so I thought. Crap happens.

Who did he mean? I'm confused! ;):D

Justwantfair · Mar 26, 2009, 09:03 AM

Originally Posted by starbuck8

Who did he mean? I'm confused! ;):D

I thought I might be the only one confused...

He didn't mean you, his wife said he couldn't remarry anyone except you?

JudyKayTee · Mar 26, 2009, 10:00 AM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

I thought I might be the only one confused...

He didn't mean you, his wife said he couldn't remarry anyone except you?

Apparently so - I have no idea but I am choosing "it" to mean that he is either reconsidering or the door is not closed or... something. Maybe he agreed not to marry anyone who is NOT a blonde - and I qualify as a blonde and so -

Or maybe he's glib. That will be a whole new thread.

(And, no, I didn't know him when he was married, never met her, never saw her face.)

Justwantfair · Mar 26, 2009, 10:08 AM

He isn't the same man that introduced you to his junior member... because I am sorry but I can't give my approval then... ;)

JudyKayTee · Mar 26, 2009, 10:58 AM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

He isn't the same man that introduced you to his junior member... because I am sorry but I can't give my approval then... ;)

No, a different person. Also not the "may I lick your shoes" guy.

(You really do amuse me - I am going to sit next to you if we ever have an AMHD "reunion" and I suspect we will both be thrown out of the hall. Love your take on things.)

Justwantfair · Mar 26, 2009, 11:13 AM

OMG, you have a "may I lick your shoes" guy...

That is TOO funny.

He is one step away from a "may I smell your panties"...

Must suck to come out of hiding and run into either one of these two...

I agree, at the reunion, I will definitely be the one sitting out in the hall :D But then again that is going to be where all of the real fun is.

JudyKayTee · Mar 26, 2009, 11:37 AM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

OMG, you have a "may I lick your shoes" guy...

That is TOO funny.

He is one step away from a "may I smell your panties"...

Must suck to come out of hiding and run into either one of these two...

I agree, at the reunion, I will definately be the one sitting out in the hall :D But then again that is going to be where all of the real fun is.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...es-302001.html

talaniman · Mar 26, 2009, 05:38 PM

Hi Judy, Just my take on things.

Dating is to have fun getting to know someone, and I think you can date a variety of people, until you decide to pick one over the others.

My reasons being we humans often get attached after a while, when we only focus on one person, and I think that's dangerous, being this is your first date in a while, and already your thinking ahead, that's distracting, and locks you in, and how can you look around, and enjoy your options, and opportunities. That's just me though, ( I haven't dated in many decades, wife won't let me.) and I fully understand the concept of being comfortable with just on person.

At least, keep your life balanced, and stay open to other options, but leave the heavy thinking at home, and enjoy dating, and having a good time.

Hope you have fun, and I have been as helpful to you, as you have been with others.

Hathor · Mar 27, 2009, 07:35 AM

Talaniman, I agree to some extent. But I don't think Judy's thinking ahead is distracting or dangerous. She said there're a few other men in the picture but this one is the most intimate, so it's very understandable and natural to think ahead. Having fun, yes, but only for a while. Commitment might not be for some people, but it's very natural for most, so for them, they can't keep having fun forever without even knowing what it is. We humans need to know and define things.

All the best, Judy ;-)

talaniman · Mar 27, 2009, 07:47 AM

We humans need to know and define things.

Yes I know, but putting all your eggs in one basket, may not be a good idea.

Just thinking of all the posts here from older females, after a divorce, or death, and their quick attachments, that are taken to far, to fast, especially after this particular guy has said he didn't want a marriage again, and when pressed, relented.

Little things like that are a red flag to me.