What would you do

bronxteacher80 · Mar 20, 2009, 10:32 AM

Hi. I cannot even believe I'm writing this and I don't know where to start. I just know that I have to tell someone because I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't stop crying. I don't know what to do. Please give me feedback.

First, let me give you a little background info: I am female, 29, and engaged.

Well a few nights ago, on St. Patrick's Day I went out with a friend of mine. She and I just wanted to go get some dinner and have a little green beer you know. On the way there she had called my fiance's friend (because it is her friend also) and had found out that he was at the same restaurant/bar. I have been told by people that he has said that he wished I was his girlfriend because he doesn't think my fiancé treats me as well as I deserve. Anyway, I have never seen this side of him. Only friendly. Besides this is my fiancés BEST Friend so that would never even be considered as an option.

Okay so she and I eat dinner and have a couple drinks. I not even seen the guy at this point as we are on the opposite side of the restaurant. But my friend goes over to say hi to him. She comes back and says that his ride left him and he wanted to know if we could drop him off on our way home. She said she told him yes cause it was on the way. (she was driving).

Okay so after dinner we decide to go up to the bar and have a few drinks. I do not drink much but I'm irish, its my holiday, I feel good, know a lot of people there, so I'm just enjoying myself. Although I can say that I do not remember saying anything more to this guy than hi and a how are you. After that I spent my night socializing with friends. Unfortunately, I end up getting quite drunk. It is suggested we leave the bar/restaurant and go to a club. I say OK. The rest of my night is really REALLY blurry but I remember being in the car going to the next place, being in there dancing with people (but not that guy-although I do remember him there standing by the wall). My friend then said that we went to another club. I was unaware of this as things were so foggy for me the next day. She also said on the way there that the guy had said that he needed to crash at one of our houses because he couldn't go home this late. She said she couldn't let him crash at her house because there was no room and I spoke up and said he could crash over at my house. I do slightly remember saying this. Please remember this is a guy I trusted. He was supposed to be in our wedding, the best man. Anyway, I do not at all remember the third club. I do not remember going home. I do not remember going in my house. I do not remember laying down. What I do remember is waking up to someone pulling my panties down around my knees and laying on top of me. I remember making an annoyed grunt and trying to turn away but being too exhausted then I passed back out. I did not wake again until my alarm clock went off.

I just don't know how I let this happen. All day at work the next day I kept having to go in the bathroom and cry. I feel so horrible. HORRIBLE. I don't know how to tell my fiancé. I think he will never talk to me again. I just don't know what to do. I can say that on a sober normal day I would NEVER NEVER NEVER HAVE allowed this to happen. I didn't want this. I didn't intend this. I feel like the guy plannned it... first the ride then the needing to crash. He knew I trusted him as a friend. I never thought he would try to f me. Especially when I'm pretty much passed out. It just feels so dirty and wrong and terrible. I don't know what to do. I'm going to lose the love of my life. My everything. Because of some jerk who will probably say I was drunk and flirty at the club and wanted it. I swear I am never drinking again. I just don't know what to do. If you want to be mean and tell me what a whore I am that's fine. I feel so absolutely horrible about this I deserve to be called every name in the book.

kctiger · Mar 20, 2009, 10:57 AM

This is almost classified as rape... do you know if he had sex with you? This guy seemed to have taken advantage of you in a VERY vulnerable state. I am not sure what I would do if I were you, I do KNOW for a FACT that I would never, NEVER talk to this guy again... you may want to let your fiancé know what a loser and trashy guy his best man is.

I am sorry this happened to you, but I also doubt there is much you can do legally, as very little evidence will be available to the police. You do need to tell your fiancé, and try and be more careful in the future. What a slime-ball!

lettsdothiis · Mar 20, 2009, 10:59 AM

Listen to me; this is NOT your fault. You passed out before anything happened, so if it went further that's RAPE! Talk to your best friend and get the details from her. TELL your fiancé what you know then. I seriously think this could be rape you really need to investigate and tell your fiancé.

Romefalls19 · Mar 20, 2009, 11:00 AM

I do think this guy took advantage of you, and you do need to tell you fiancé, before his friend does. Tell him the god's to honest truth about what happened. That's all you can do, and hope he forgives you. Then you need to go to the cops and report this, it is rape. Spending the night because he's drunk isn't an excuse for him to f you.

I wish · Mar 20, 2009, 11:10 AM

First thing you have to do is get more facts. Talk to your best friend first.

If this guy really did rape you, he should not be your fiance's best friend. He definitely will be angry with you at first, so you'll have to be prepared for that. I don't want to give you too much false hope, but if your fiancé really did love you, he would see that his friend is at fault and he will forgive you eventually.

On a side note, at first, your fiancé might suspect that you have feelings for his friend. So make sure that you are very clear when you confront your fiancé. But like I said, before you confront him, make sure you have all the facts.

bronxteacher80 · Mar 20, 2009, 11:25 AM

U think so? It's crazy because I'm the one left feeling humiliated and dirty and confused. I talked to my girl about the night and she said that he was talking about f'n me throughout the night but that I was flirting with him. She said I was flirting with everyone though. She also said when I wasn't paying any attention to him he had stated, "thats fine she can bring him home too and we'll both f her". I wish she would have looked out for me. She said she just figured he was trash talking and wouldn't do anything because of his best friend.

How can it be rape if I never said no. I feel like its my fault I keep playing it over and over asking myself why when I felt him pulling down my panties didn't I scream and yell and curse and fight. I just remember barely being able to move feeling exhaused and that was that. I just feel so horrible. I'm afraid telling my fiancé will put me over the edge. If he starts screaming and yelling and cursing and calling names. I just don't know if I can handle it. At the same time its like I feel so nasty and dirty and horrible I want somebody to knock me out. Ugh.

kctiger · Mar 20, 2009, 11:28 AM

Sex is about consent. If you CANNOT give consent, then you cannot have sex, that is it, period. You were of no mental capacity to give consent.

Also, this guys sounds like a really sketchy character, and I don't care how much you "flirt" with someone, it doesn't give him the right to do that. Your fiancé deserves to know the truth, at the very least, just so he doesn't have friends like this around him anymore.

bronxteacher80 · Mar 20, 2009, 11:29 AM

Yes he did f me that's what I meant by laying on top of me. I was laying on my stomach when I woke up and I felt him pulling my panties down and put it in that's when I made the grunt and passed back out.

Romefalls19 · Mar 20, 2009, 11:32 AM

Then yes that is rape. You were incoherent and unable to give consent to the other party. Just because you didn't say "no" doesn't mean you meant "yes" I just talked to my cousin who is a police officer of 5 years and he said this is a classic sign of rape. Most victims know their attacker and feel this way after the event because they feel that somehow they brought this on themselves.

Justwantfair · Mar 20, 2009, 11:36 AM

It is rape, you weren't able to say no, but your condition said no. You were passed out.

Your girlfriend who heard him make all of those comments and knew you were so intoxicated was very irresponsible to just let him "crash" at your house. You need to file a rape charge against this person. He clearly isn't remorseful as he almost planned the whole night to take advantage of the situation.

Your only option and the right thing to do is to tell your fiancé EVERYTHING. If he yells and calls you names then he isn't much of a fiancé and I can't say he would make a very supportive husband. This is not your fault, but what you do now is the deciding factor, don't let this sleazeball win. What he did was wrong and rape.

kctiger · Mar 20, 2009, 11:41 AM

Not to sound like a skeptic or anything, but if this guy can get away doing this to you, I wonder how many other girls he has done this with/will do this with?

HistorianChick · Mar 20, 2009, 11:44 AM

Oh hon. I'm so sorry.

This was NOT your fault. This man raped you. That's the fact.

Like the others have said, if you do not give your consent to a guy and he takes advantage of you, then you were raped.

Please, please tell your fiancé. This man should never be allowed to get away with this. I'm sure your fiancé will support you and stand beside you.

If your fiancé continues a friendship with this guy after you are honest with him, I'd seriously consider the state of your relationship.

Please be honest with him. This was rape. And you were probably not the first...

bronxteacher80 · Mar 20, 2009, 11:49 AM

I didn't even think this was rape. I have to say I would be really scared to ever press charges or go to the police. I don't think anyone would understand how I feel. I think they will all say I'm making excuses because I was drunk and did something I regret.

I don't know how women have the strength to report stuff like this. I feel so judged and stupid and like I'm the one everyone will blame. Plus he's friends with all my friends and I think I would lose everyone.

My main concern is making my fiancé understand that I love him more than anything in the world and I would die before ever making a choice to hurt him like this. I sometimes think I won't tell him but then I start thinking that that guy will still be with him all the time then and I would have to see him. I don't ever want to see him, hear his name, talk to him, nothing ever again in life. Plus I can't see my fiancé hanging out with him like that its just not right.

I REALLY APPRECIATE ALL OF YOUR ADVICE AND SUPPORT more than you know.

Janmarie · Mar 20, 2009, 11:49 AM

First thing you need to do is make an appointment to see your doctor. Get a complete check up. You don't know that this guy raped you or not but at least you will have peace of mind that he didn't infect you with anything. Secondly, whether he did have intercourse with you or not, you need to report it. If he did this to you he will do it to another. Make no mistake with a man like this. He knew full well what he was doing and if you try and ignore this he will be walking away basically laughing and you will be the one carrying this for the rest of your life. Take care of it and get on with your life with your fiance'

Romefalls19 · Mar 20, 2009, 11:53 AM

By you not reporting it, he is winning. Creeps like this get off on the thrill and making a woman feel this way because they think they won't report it because they will be judged. That's bogus, cops are extremely sympathetic to you when something like this happens. By not reporting it, you may allow another girl to have to endure such a tragic event.

kctiger · Mar 20, 2009, 11:54 AM

Rape is an extremely under-reported crime because of fear of being judged. You have EVERY right to justice, and you deserve it. Police are there to help, period, and they cannot help without you coming forward. You owe it to yourself to do this. By not reporting it you are becoming another statistic for the MCI (major crimes index) and the amount of unknown victims there are.

Justwantfair · Mar 20, 2009, 11:56 AM

Originally Posted by bronxteacher80

i didnt even think this was rape. i have to say i would be really scared to ever press charges or go to the police. i dont think anyone would understand how i feel. i think they will all say im making excuses because i was drunk and did something i regret.

i dont know how women have the strength to report stuff like this. i feel so judged and stupid and like im the one everyone will blame. plus he's friends with all my friends and i think i would lose everyone.

my main concern is making my fiance understand that i love him more than anything in the world and i would die before ever making a choice to hurt him like this. i sometimes think i wont tell him but then i start thinking that that guy will still be with him all the time then and i would have to see him. i dont ever want to see him, hear his name, talk to him, nothing ever again in life. plus i can't see my fiance hanging out with him like that its just not right.

I REALLY APPRECIATE ALL OF YOUR ADVICE AND SUPPORT more than you know.

There are plenty of people out there who understand, there is also a support network if you choose to file charges, they would get you in touch with people who have been through what you are going through.

You would not lose everyone in your life and I can guarantee that if you don't press charges this will likely happen again and someone else will be going through what you are going through now. You owe this man NOTHING, as he gave you nothing in your vulnerable state and instead took advantage of the situation.

You will need some counseling to forgive yourself and possible would be a great idea after you talk to your fiancé that you attend some counseling together. I think you will find you fiancé supportive, but if you don't then you need to step back and think about why you would want to marry a partner for life, through the good times and the bad, if he can't support you right now in your time of need. Sometimes, it is when the going gets tough that your really know what your relationship is made of.

HistorianChick · Mar 20, 2009, 11:59 AM

Originally Posted by bronxteacher80

i didnt even think this was rape. i have to say i would be really scared to ever press charges or go to the police. i dont think anyone would understand how i feel. i think they will all say im making excuses because i was drunk and did something i regret.

You feel used and taken advantage of, but are embarrassed to tell anyone because you think they are going to judge you and say you were "in the wrong place at the wrong time," "were giving mixed signals," or that you just plain wanted it. I've been in a similar situation.

I was with a guy once, he and I were actually in a relationship. I didn't want to go "that far" with him yet, and told him so. I was wanting to wait for a while until we got to know each other more, he was wanting it asap. He pushed me. I said no. He continued to push. I gave in. Without wanting to, I gave in. Was that rape? I don't know.

But, I remember feeling so dirty, so used, so taken advantage of later on that I felt it was my fault, that I had given him mixed signals, that I really did want it, when in truth, I didn't. I didn't want to sleep with him - I wasn't ready.

It's not the same situation, but the feelings are still the same. In my case, I was in a relationship with this guy. You, my dear, were a casualty of his hormones. You were in a state where you couldn't resist, so he took advantage of you. He used you.

That is rape.

I never reported my "encounter" but I certainly wish I had. I wish I had the courage to stand up and say that I didn't want it, that I was forced, that I was used... but I didn't. It's something I carry with me to this day - I'm ashamed of it.

But I am more ashamed that I didn't stand up for myself and do something about this.

Please, for your own sanity and safety, do something about it. Tell your fiancé. Trust him to help you. He loves you and wants to keep you safe. Let him.

jjwoodhull · Mar 20, 2009, 12:02 PM

You were raped. Report it right away. Stop this creep from doing it again. You have just told your story to complete strangers and no one here is judging you. Why would the people who love you judge you?

I'm sorry that you have had to endure this. Tell your fiancé. If he is not supportive, then he is not the man you think he is.

Good luck.

Justwantfair · Mar 20, 2009, 12:03 PM

To be completely honest, here are the current problems:

It has been days since the incident took place and you have no doubt taken numerous showers trying to rid yourself of the filth.

Unless you saved bedsheets, clothing, anything that might back up you story, this would come down to a your story (which isn't very clear because of alcohol) and his story (which will be that he went to sleep and you were dreaming) along with the friends comments about his comments earlier in the night, but she didn't believe that they had any truth to them.

Please take this the right way, but I don't think you stand much of a chance at this point with charging him with rape. But it is still beneficial to seek out counseling for both you and your fiancé.