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BrokenTrev · Mar 16, 2009, 05:52 PM

3 Threads merged/edited.

I've been battling with myself every minute of every hour to not contact my ex. The NC rule seems to be the golden rule of this forum and so far I've made it a month. I still cry every day and barely make it out of bed. The above thread has me doubting this NC rule.

Quick Facts:
--Relationship - 5 years -- Break was 2 months ago completely out of the blue.
--Last contact was on the phone a month ago. Very bad situation where I called her and said I was sorry for being caught in our old apartment. I was picking up my mail when I wasn't supposed to be there and didn't tell her because I was trying the NC. She hung up on me. I look like a creep.
--She started seeing and a new guy 2 weeks after the break. They've been going out since. Fairly certain that she is spending every night at his placed based on the state of the apartment last I was there.

--I believe the relationship ended for 2 main reasons. 1: I was unemployed. 2: Our sex life had died. Both of these reasons I believe were due to me being depressed.

I'm working on the depression with help.
It's not permanent but I have a contract job.
I have made plans to go back to school this fall.

I love this woman deeply. I want to fight for our love. I want to show her that I've changed. I couldn't care less if seeing her hurts me more because honestly I don't believe I can feel any worse.

I should add. We're both turning 28 this year. This isn't a first love break that has me wondering if I'll ever find someone. This is a break where I feel I've lost the love of my life. This is a break that comes just as I was planning on kids/marriage/etc.

chuff · Mar 16, 2009, 07:52 PM

The most important person you can have a relationship with is you. Right now that relationship is not good, and you have to work on that.

The fact that she hooked up with a guy two weeks after she left you tells me that she left you for him. It didn't just happen, she had backed herself out of the relationship before she broke up with you, which probably wasn't that hard if you weren't even having sex and she was supporting you.

I have no doubt you love her, but right now that love must be focused on your mental and emotional health. When that is fixed then and only then should you be worried about loving someone else.

talaniman · Mar 17, 2009, 03:41 PM

Sorry for your loss, but it will take a lot longer to heal from your 5 year relationship, than a couple of months. In the mean time its up to how hard you work for yourself that matters. So what are you doing toward rebuilding your life and repairing the hole in your soul??

BrokenTrev · Mar 17, 2009, 09:08 PM

I wish that I could write to you guys and tell you that I'm doing something.. but I'm not. Besides trying to look forward to school and trying to find a job I'm still trapped inside crying. I'm sure some of you will wonder why you bother to help when I'm not taking your suggestions.

I feel like I deserve this pain. The anger always comes back to me.

I was the one who wasn't working and put financial stress on our relationship.
I was the one who didn't initiate sex enough to make her feel wanted.

I can't help but admit that I deserved to be dumped. Being the leech/loser at home isn't appealing to any woman.

I lost the perfect woman. My fault.
This pain is all that I have left of her.. and it's tough to give up.

Dare81 · Mar 18, 2009, 01:44 AM

Look, she is gone and is probably not ever coming back, so you can mope all day long and its not going to change a thing.As you said being a leech/loser is not attractive to anyone.SO what are you doing to change it.

talaniman · Mar 18, 2009, 05:06 AM

Because you screwed up once, doesn't mean you have to pay for it forever. Your attitude is one of self pity, which will keep you feeling sorry for yourself, and not get yourself busy working for yourself. That's the easy way out.

Get off your A$$, and get busy proving to her, and yourself that your better than that. Then you'll find out she was not as perfect as you think!

Build a life that you enjoy, without her, or the excuses.

I wish · Mar 18, 2009, 06:22 AM

Yeah, I guess people are going to have to be tough on you to help you get back on your feet.

But I guess that you check out this thread out: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ht-330657.html

A bunch of us are facing a similar situation. Just know that you're not alone.

Arzy99 · Mar 18, 2009, 07:17 PM

Keep working on yourself... when you are in a position to love yourself unconditionally and not blame yourself... you will be a lot happier and healthier - AIM FOR THAT!
We are here to support you!

BrokenTrev · Mar 19, 2009, 05:58 PM

Working on myself seems so futile. I know in the grand scheme of things 28 isn't really that old but I can't get over it. Starting life over at 28 with so little feels like the end of my life. Hell.. most of the posts here are made by people 5+ years my junior.

She took my home of 9 years. She took my pride, my masculinity. She took my children, she took my wife. She she she... really.. it's me me me.

If I go back to school and "work on myself" I'll be 33 before I'm financially secure enough to think about a family. I would have made a great father. I would have been an excellent husband. Dating at this age is different. Woman like my ex are usually either mothers or not interested in dating someone who's got nothing. I'm a fool for not asking her sooner. Maybe then she'd have fought harder. Maybe then I wouldn't have fallen so far. I hate(d) dating. My ex and I didn't really date.. we just clicked and spent all our time together. I can't believe I screwed it up.

The signs are there.. you all have been firm in reinforcing the fact that she's gone and that there's no hope. I know it's true.. I know that she gave up on our relationship months ago. I know that I have to give up hope to move on.

I can't.. I won't. She won't likely answer the phone or return my call even if I did try to contact her. She's strong. Still.. seeing her and begging.. seeing her and confessing that I messed up.. that I don't blame her for leaving me but that there's still hope seems like the only answer to this pain. 0.0001% chance of success is still greater than 0.

I know I'm wrong. I know seeing her will do nothing but drive her further away. I know this but I can't accept it. @#$*&$*@*!!

I wish · Mar 19, 2009, 06:28 PM

Hey man, I know it's tough. If you really that there's still a chance, then do what you got to do. But after you tell her how you feel, you got to accept her response and move on.

The time you spend hanging on to her could be time spent on finding someone else.

inertia · Mar 19, 2009, 08:54 PM

I feel compelled to respond to this posting. I feel a great amount of sympathy for you. Your heart, mind, body and soul are hurting all at once. Every fiber of your existence has been torched. Seems like hell. According to Dante, it is (pertaining to God's love). A total removal of love. You wish you could hate her, but you can't. You love her and she is not your's anymore. Your life has been lacking so much lately anyway, this was the last bit of hope you still had. Now it's gone. You feel worthless and pathetic and it feels like a never-ending cycle. Even if you had other things in your life, the joy of sharing them with the person you love has escaped your grasps.

You are well aware of why she left and find it hard to even blame her. You picture her living the life of YOUR dreams. Being happy forever without you. It doesn't seem fair. It's not fair. You think she should feel this pain too. You wonder if she ever thinks about you. You scheme and plot. You mastermind your reunion. You get mad at yourself because you feel like you are going back in time but now too old for it to count. Devolving, degenerating and losing. You are now left all alone. You were free falling into love and now you have slammed into a crater made of concrete. The impact has shattered you completely. You lay there, at rock bottom and in a million pieces. Guess what? You won't become whole and climb out in a single day. You are not superman.

You are going to have to put yourself back together one piece at a time. Once you are whole, you can begin your ascent. This is going to take time. She may have 4 kids and a golden retriever by the time you get to your piqué. Don't think about it. Your paths were one for a long time. She found a new one. You will too. You can't follow her now. You can't watch her from a distance to see where she is going. You only have your path. She will never forget you. Her bitter memories and negative feelings towards you will change.

Imagine, 10 years from now. She is married, maybe bored, maybe not quite so beautiful anymore. You are fluent in 3 languages, making the wood of your violin cry like Sergey Ryabtsev, graduating medical school and dating ballerina from Julliard. Sure these dreams may seem fantastical but guess what. At this point in time, they are more realistic than the broken dreams of your future with the ex. Personally, I think anything is possible, especially at the bottom. I mean, if you had kids, a mortgage or a farm with her and she left, it wouldn't be as easy to start over.

Let's face it. She left you with nothing and that's something you can work with.

Dare81 · Mar 19, 2009, 11:50 PM

Originally Posted by BrokenTrev

Working on myself seems so futile. I know in the grand scheme of things 28 isn't really that old but I can't get over it. Starting life over at 28 with so little feels like the end of my life. Hell.. most of the posts here are made by people 5+ years my junior.

She took my home of 9 years. She took my pride, my masculinity. She took my children, she took my wife. She she she... really.. it's me me me.

If I go back to school and "work on myself" I'll be 33 before I'm financially secure enough to think about a family. I would have made a great father. I would have been an excellent husband. Dating at this age is different. Woman like my ex are usually either mothers or not interested in dating someone who's got nothing. I'm a fool for not asking her sooner. Maybe then she'd have fought harder. Maybe then I wouldn't have fallen so far. I hate(d) dating. My ex and I didn't really date.. we just clicked and spent all our time together. I can't believe I screwed it up.

The signs are there.. you all have been firm in reinforcing the fact that she's gone and that there's no hope. I know it's true.. I know that she gave up on our relationship months ago. I know that I have to give up hope to move on.

I can't.. I won't. She won't likely answer the phone or return my call even if I did try to contact her. She's strong. Still.. seeing her and begging.. seeing her and confessing that I messed up.. that I don't blame her for leaving me but that there's still hope seems like the only answer to this pain. 0.0001% chance of success is still greater than 0.

I know I'm wrong. I know seeing her will do nothing but drive her further away. I know this but I can't accept it. @#$*&$*@*!!!

I am 28 too and I just got out of a 8 year relationship, and believe me not all 28 year old females are mothers or married, so you will eventually find someone.

In by the way why would your ex would want to come back to you, has anything changed?? Desperate is not sexy , believe me, I was there where you are now.

lovermanw · Mar 20, 2009, 01:07 AM

BrokenT,
My sympathies goes to you,before I answer your question I would like to share my breakup story,my ex girlfriend of three year broke up with me on November 21st last year, saying that the feelings were gone and that she don't love me anymore.I immediately went into no contact .two weeks latter,I broke the NC,I went to her apartment,and she was very verbally abusive,she was even hitting me.I also found out that four days after we broke up,yes four days, she started seeing another guy,she had met him when she went to visit her dad who lives 200 miles away ,during thanksgiving,now she had his picture allover her laptop.I was so angry with he and we ended having a nasty fight, and I resumed the NC again,that was on DEC 12th.
Unfortunately, my Ex and I attends the same college, and we are in the same class,one particular day in January,my car developed some engine problems and she had to gimme a ride to the college,therefore,I broke the NC for the second time,she told me that the rebound relationship had ended,she gave me her phone number,and the next day she invited me to her apartment,when I asked her if she wants to give it another shot,she said she want to see another guy,we ended having a huge fight ,I regretted so much for breaking the NC,and once again I started NC and until now I am strictly following it,its been 6 weeks.I see my ex everyday but I don't talk to her,we even don't say HI,I ignore her as if she never mattered in the first place.I want to move on and get over her.
To answer your question,rebound relationship rarely works,in fact the one I started a month after we broke up lasted for two weeks ,hers lasted one month,and I don't know whether she started the other one or not, because I went NC.if you really want your ex back you have to Maintain NC at all cost especially when she is seeing another guy,chances are very slim that things will workout between them,But you must start NC and follow it, she might come around and probably at that time you won't need her anymore,this is the only way out now.. increase you chances by going NC,its very hard,but it gets better with time... stay strong you can do it! You are not alone.

talaniman · Mar 20, 2009, 07:16 AM

Just so you know, most guys who heal, and move on, seldom want to go back to the exes.

Its simple really, they found better options, and opportunities, that they didn't see before, because they were emotionally blinded, by confusion, and shock.

No Contact= No Confusion.

BrokenTrev · Mar 21, 2009, 08:24 PM

Thank you inertia... I should have posted this the other day when I originally read it but I'm here now and just wanted to say that your post gave me a little hope.

BrokenTrev · Mar 21, 2009, 08:48 PM

Dear Ex.

I'm so sorry that I put you in a position where you felt trapped and needed to get out of our relationship. I'm sorry that I didn't try harder to get a job. I'm sorry that I felt like I needed a job that was just as good or better than yours to feel self worth because that's a really stupid excuse. I'm sorry that I didn't show you more appreciation. I'm sorry that I didn't initiate sex very often and this probably caused you to feel unwanted. I'm sorry that I was depressed and though I feel this is the cause of a lot of our problems I'm still sorry that I didn't seek help. I'm sorry that I didn't notice you pulling away. I should have noticed. I'm sorry.

Dear Ex.

Screw yourself!! I stood by you during the times when YOU weren't working even though it drove me nuts. I stood by you when your job was nothing more than standing on the picket line in the sun chatting with your friends only to be offered a large payout a few months later to quit. You hardly worked at all yourself! The entire apartment was furnished with my stuff. Your car was given to you by your dad. You haven't worked hard for a single thing your entire life! I quit my job.. an job I loved.. FOR YOU because you were depressed and wanted to go traveling. The trip was wonderful and I feel deeper in love with you. I don't regret the trip but when we come back and I fall down you leave me! YOU didn't initiate sex with me either. Worse... when I tell you secrets you use them against me. I wanted to make love but your idea of that required nothing but you to just lay there. I TRIED to talk to you but you wouldn't talk to me. I put my soul into the relationship. I would have died to give you life and when I struggle.. when I'm in need you follow the first man that gives you a tingle. You had the nerve to lead me on the entire time. I spent Christmas with your family and we spent New Wears with mine and the entire time you knew that you had some other guy in mind. You bring home a rose after going out with your friends and tell me it was one of your girl-friends that bought it for you. You LIED to me. It doesn't matter that you officially broke up with me before doing the deed. You STILL cheated on me. You allowed yourself to separate yourself from me emotionally but you didn't give me that chance. You held my hand every night. You cuddled with me. YOU USED ME! You've left me in a pit of despair and when I have my parents try to contact you to get some mail that I need for a new job you ignore then... you're still screwing with my life. SCREW YOU!

inertia · Mar 21, 2009, 08:56 PM

From the heart brother. Been there. Climbing out as we speak, (and it's so much brighter).

BrokenTrev · Mar 25, 2009, 09:03 PM

Dear diary...

I completed the interview session for entrance into the engineering program yesterday. The age difference between myself and the rest of the applicants was expected but hard to handle. I tried to find someone walking around that looked my age. Hardly... I'm more convinced that ever that I'm going to be a loner in college. I don't know if I can make it 2 years living at home.

I forced myself to go on a date with someone I met over the internet. Someone that I really had no interest in until I saw her in person. No matter.. I think it was obvious that I'm in no position to date because the date ended at 10:30 and I was blocked the next day.

67 days since she dumped me. 33 days since last contact. I still desperately want to talk to her. I still desperately hold on to hope that even in my pathetic state she might magically change her mind after talking to me... after seeing how much of a mess I am.

These phrases echo in my mind and burn at my soul. They never ever stop.
"I'm not attracted to you." // "We're not sexually compatible." // "I'm not in love with you."

I never once thought my ex was out of my league when we were together. Now I feel like dirt. I feel so small.

The pain has subsided a little bit. It hasn't dissipated, I think I'm just numb to it now.

How does one find self esteem after the one that you loved the most destroyed it?

talaniman · Mar 25, 2009, 10:51 PM

Talaniman Rant

How does one find self esteem after the one that you loved the most destroyed it?

Start by stop focusing on the bad things, and focus on the good, no matter how small, in your every day life. You see all negativity, and that's the way you talk to yourself. That has to stop.

Keep your a$$ off the pity pot, and do something good for yourself everyday, and every time you feel down, get up, and do something, anything, from polishing your shoes to dusting under the bed. Most of all be of service to someone, who can't do for themselves, so you see others have problems too, even worse than yours, read to a kid in the hospital, and the BS your going through will seem small by comparison, to the courage you see with a young kid dying of cancer.

You let a lousy female blow your self esteem?? Thats insane, get your act together hold your head up, and look around at the many things that life has to offer and just take it.

Live young boy, and get you some manhood. All it takes is work, and time.

MANHOOD- Human male who does what it takes to be happy, and adds to the lives of other humans around him.

PUNK- Male human, who cries like a baby when things get tough, and beetches about it.

You want to stay a boy be my guest. Trust me, real men have more fun.

BrokenTrev · Apr 8, 2009, 03:08 PM

I don't want to admit it but I've made steps forward. I've been on a few dates even though I know I'm not ready. Naturally they've failed miserably but at least I'm getting out. I'm waiting on a call for some volunteering work and hopeful it'll help. It still really hurts but I don't cry all the time like I used too.. and when I do it's not as long. There have been moments of hope.

I haven't actually spoken to her to confirm but it's pretty apparent by looking.

She's pregnant, and showing. After ending 5 years it took her less than 3 months...

This shouldn't matter.

It does.