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Ultra Member
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Feb 19, 2008, 08:07 PM
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These are so bad there funny
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought
"he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to
Paris".
He said "Eurostar?" I said "I've been on telly but I'm
no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to
do the splits?"
He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (former World Chess champion) and there
Was a check tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said,
"You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take
that as a condiment".
Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love
With two schoolbags, he's bisatchel?
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can
Hardly contain myself.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and
A couple of seconds later they come alight again, well
The other day there was a fire at the factory that
Makes them.
So I said, "Do you want a game of Darts?" he said "OK
then", I said, "Nearest to bull starts". He said
"Baa", I said "Moo", he said, "You're closest".
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt
Saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of
Snow. I rang her up, I said, "Do you get my drift?"
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want
to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",
He said, "Those are pickled onions".
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came
Up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle
like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC
duck".
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I
Entered a competition and I won a years supply of
Marmite.. one jar.
Now did you know that if a stick insect laid its eggs
In a jar of marmite it would give birth to a litter of twiglets?
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house
and talk about your carpets?" I thought, "That's all I
need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes,
He's a catholic converter. > > >
So I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to
report a nuisance caller" he said "Not you again".
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch?
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman
Wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"
And my personal favourite
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload
Of terrapins, I thought, "That's a turtle disaster".
>
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Uber Member
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Feb 19, 2008, 10:42 PM
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You are right! So bad they are hilarious. Did you get my drift? LOVE it.
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Ultra Member
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Feb 19, 2008, 11:59 PM
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Freind4u 178 - I like these, I laughed hard on some of them , good job F.B.E.
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Pets Expert
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Feb 20, 2008, 12:06 AM
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I tried not to laugh, I really did. Here's a joke I hope I'm allowed to tell on here:
How do you catch a Bear?
First you dig a deep hole and fill it with ashes. Then you surround the hole with peas.
When the Bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole.
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Junior Member
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Feb 20, 2008, 01:38 AM
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Uggg... :D
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Senior Member
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Feb 20, 2008, 04:47 AM
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Lmao. Keep them coming.
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Ultra Member
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Feb 21, 2008, 10:07 PM
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So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload
Of terrapins, I thought, "That's a turtle disaster".
Now that right there is funny, I don't care who you are. A turtle disaster... Bwa Ha hA hA!
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Junior Member
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Feb 22, 2008, 04:28 AM
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The other day I was being tailgated by a gentleman driving a Progressive Energy Power Co. truck and I thought, "Man he's full of energy."
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New Member
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Feb 1, 2009, 12:20 AM
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A guy runs in to his therapist's office, and yells:
"Doc, you gotta help me! I woke up last night, and I was dreaming I was a teepee! This morning, I was dreaming that I was a wigwam!"
The doctor replies
"Relax! You're two tents!"
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Ultra Member
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Feb 1, 2009, 10:23 AM
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Forgive me, Lord. I can't believe I'm doing this... Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9. A man tried to get into a restaurant with a formal dress code by wearing his jumper cables around his neck as a tie. The manager was suspicious of the man and said, "I'll be watching you, don't try to start anything here!"
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