[mountainman123]

We all have opposite sex friends - well at least the mature ones among us. It is often helpful and rewarding to get points of view from the opposite sex and from someone other than the person you are seeing. And the comfort of talking with an old friend who really knows you well and understands you... that can be just the comfort we need sometimes. I fully understand this.

However, sometimes we venture into a gray area whereas one person may wonder if his/her mate's friendships with members of the opposite sex are crossing the line of appropriate behavior. None of us wants to be categorized as jealous or insecure, but then again we don't want the "don't be jealous" card used as free pass for bad behavior either.

So this brings me to my scenario. I met a fantastic, beautiful, and charming woman about a month ago. The woman I am dating (we are both in our 40’s) has a few close opposite sex friends. Granted most of these “friends” are back from where she moved away from. So really it is not like they are a real live “threat” anyway. She has been very open and honest, as have I, and things about our past have come out rather quickly in our little relationship. It’s barely been a month since we met, but we really felt a strong connection and things developed quickly. We both stopped dating other people after a week or so and then after another week we took down our dating profiles and agreed to be exclusive until we see where things lead.

But there have been a couple of concerns come my way. At least two of her friends are ex lovers. The first we will call The Player. He was with her in a long term relationship a few years ago. They have remained friends ever since. In fact, he recently called her and told her about two women he is seeing at the same time and she says he is always calling her and confiding in her and asking her advice. She advised against him seeing and sleeping with both women, but he is not going to stop. She says he is a real pig in some ways, but that he is really a very likeable guy. It is a little bothersome she wants to remain friends with someone of such low character. She seemingly has good character, so it does not make sense. Also, he has a sex tape (she says he has a collection of sex tapes with several girls) they made together and would not give it back when their relationship ended a few years ago.

But also we have this second past lover. We will call him Former FWB (friend with benefits). She met him last summer, they tried dating and it did not work out, but they wanted to keep being best friends and sleeping with each other occasionally until she moved away two months ago. It sounds crazy to me and I was a little disappointed to hear this, but I have accepted it. She said he was the only man that she had ever had that type of casual relationship with, but she has dated a ton of men between her relationships. Apparently, Former FWB calls her a lot too and she tells me he has some issues and she is like his therapist. Sounds like BS to me. She said he tried to commit suicide one time and he is fragile. Apparently he wasn’t too fragile to be a FWB however. She said he cried like a baby when she left to move here. Also he supposedly looks like a male model. Wow isn’t this one hell of a story? She did tell me from the beginning she does not want a jealous or insecure boyfriend and does not want to give up her friends. So in an effort to find some common ground last week I offered a compromise. I told her that I would appreciate her and Former FWB not having contact with each other for a while and then they could resume their friendship in a few months. Give it time for their sexual memories to die down and so forth. She says she does not think about nor do they talk about the sex at all, but I told her that guys are always going to be interested because of the sex and especially since it was fairly recent. So even though he is not in this town, the fact that she was recently sleeping with him and is still talking to him makes me a little squeamish. She agreed she would not initiate contact with him, but that if he did, she does not have the heart to not take his calls. I just don’t see how in the world she can say she is giving me 100 percent in the midst of all this.

So she has The Player, The former FWB, and then there is a guy she met here before me. We will call him Local Guy. She says he is just a friend was told from the beginning there would be nothing more. She talks to him a lot too and she is going to baby sit for him from time to time. But I had a gut feeling he might be interested in more than friendship and I was right. When she had “the talk” with him and told him she had started seeing me, he freaked. But now he says he is okay with it and he says he is fine in the friend zone. But he is also an attractive guy and she thinks he is funny. The deal breaker was the kid.

Anyway, it all seems just a bit much. Especially since she tells me she is giving me 100% and that there are no other men. I am it. She did tell me she wasn’t sure if I could “handle” a woman like her. That is what I am wondering myself! Anyway, I have started refurbishing some friendships with females I know to sort of level the playing field and keep my sanity. Childish, perhaps. I think it is possible the landscape will change over time, but then again I know people really don’t change that much. To me it is merely common sense and respectful to keep your opposite sex friends at bay just a little when you are trying to start something new. Maybe I am a little old fashioned. Or maybe I need to just roll with it and enjoy being the prince she says I am. I just don’t know. It does appear she has been extremely open and honest about everything. Just seems like a bit much. Ever heard of a girl being friends with other girls? Now there is an idea! Okay that’s it. What would you do if you were in my shoes?

[oldenoughtoknow]

This all boils down to: Can you handle a girl like her? Plenty of people get jealous and insecure sometimes but the thing with having your relationship progress so quickly you haven't allowed a lot of time for trust to form. Do you feel can trust her? Rekindling friendships with woman is fine, who could do with less friends? Ask yourself though if while in this relationship could your friendships with these ladies stay platonic? If the answer is yes then could your partners male friendships stay platonic too?

[frangipanis]

She's confident knowing she can attract a lot of men and can play the field for as long as she likes. So unless she is genuinely falling for you, you run the risk of being just another man on her string. In that case, you might want to be a bit more guarded for a while longer.

As you've only known each other for a month, my guess is she's still toying with the idea.. as well as protecting herself from possibly being hurt by you. The other men offering her emotional security while she figures you out :)

Her ability to go from one sexual encounter to another in quick succession sounds like emotional fruit salad. Because of that, she might actually find it difficult recognising what she feels towards you or know what she wants out of your relationship, so don't expect her to change or make up her mind too soon.

Generally speaking, once a woman has fallen for someone, she focuses in on her man and gives the relationship all she has. At that moment, all the other guys disappear ~ for as long as she's kept interested, at least. Until then, it isn't really exclusive, is it.

Good luck though, hope it works out okay for both of you :)

[mountainman123]

Good insight... yes I do feel I can trust her to be faithful... as long as we have the exclusive deal. And I certainly do trust myself. Just wondering how other self-confident men would handle this situation.

[mountainman123]

Thanks Frangi and oldenough... I look forward to more views on this...

[talaniman]

Your moving along really fast guy, and your not giving yourself enough time to process, and adjust to things, and that may be a problem.

The fact that her exes are well away is a thing in your favor, but take some time to know each other well enough to communicate, and be careful of moving so fast in this thing, you get carried away by your feelings, as its to soon to build a life together, isn't it?

There is probably even more to learn about her so pay attention, as you enjoy yourselves.

[mountainman123]

Talaniman,
Yes you are correct. We moved too fast. In fact, she got spooked and backed off. After about two weeks she bailed out the other day saying our exclusive trial dating was showing red flags and a couple of little comments I made had concerned her. She says she realized we are very different. And that she thought I was such a great guy that she was trying to “force” herself to have feelings for me. She had also called a few days earlier and had said she thought that we should stop. But we talked through it and she then decided to give it more time. We both then got snowed in at our separate homes and two days later she called and said she was missing me. But two more days passed and she bailed again as explained above. All in all, she was wishy washy at the beginning, but then we decided to go exclusive for a while and she seemed to be all in. But now that she bailed out for the second time she wants to be friends again. I had originally told her we could remain friends if the trial did not work out. But since she seemed to have given up so easily, I feel a little betrayed and I currently don't feel right about reverting back to friend status at her desire. (who in the world does this anyway – friends – lovers- then friends again?) We spent a ton of time together in the last few weeks, many nights of total passion, many intriguing intellectual conversations, did many fun things together. I met some of her family she met some of mine, etc. She is now afraid we would not work out long term. She even asked me (right before she bailed out) if I thought we could work out long term, but then she immediately got into her little pre-planned speech. I just told her I had to go and hung up. I emailed telling her that I hoped she found what she was looking for and that I did not think she gave things much of a chance. So she sent me big email the next day (about three days ago) saying how worried she is that she lost a wonderful friend, and that she truly had given it 100% as she had not been interested in any other men while we were dating, etc. Like simply honoring the exclusivity means you are trying 100%? I would have included discussing our concerns and ironing them out as part of trying 100%.
Anyway, I have not responded to her big email or contacted her in anyway. I do notice when she is online on Facebook as I am sure she notices the same. Right now I am just collecting myself and I'm a good bit hurt. She did come downtown just yesterday (two days after the split) and parked her car two cars away from where I park for work. So I don't know if that is because she wanted me to see her car and react or what. But from what I have learned on here, I know there is no use trying to convince a woman she has made a mistake. I think she likes to keep a lot of male friends to build up her ego, and after her stopping things so suddenly, I just don't feel right about going straight back to the friend zone and being a part of that cycle. She seems emotionally disconnected or something. How can you spend a ton of time together doing regular stuff and at night have continued passion and not have any feelings develop? I do not think she gave it a fair chance and that she is very confused. But I guess I will just have to let it go. I would have been willing to have talked through the issues, but I think men are easy to come by for her and she is looking for Mr. perfect, without any need to work through things. A lesson learned... go much slower next time. And apparently I need to learn to make myself more of a challenge - though being a “player” is not in my nature. Any thoughts or suggestions?

[talaniman]

Your expectations for a stranger sure are high. The first 60 days is fun getting to know each other, and see if there is a reason to be exclusive. You skipped a few steps buddy,

Focusing on just her, this soon was a disaster waiting to happen. That's why couple crash and burn as the initial intense feelings fade, and what's left?

At this point, I say your free, and single, and should act like it. You don't have to be a player to go slow, but sometimes we can't help it can we?

[asking]

What were the red flags she mentioned?

[mountainman123]

I made a comment about her continuing to speak with her recent lover on the phone, and I showed surprise about how many men she had dated in the past year when she told me. She came from the big city... and moved to my small town. I also playfully asked her if she was seeing a counselor. Apparently that struck a nerve. I did apologize and told her I was kidding. Seemed to blow over, but it must have stuck. Now I wonder if I should blow it off and ignore her or respond to her last email. Maybe she will come back around. I don't want to be rude, nor fall back into the "friend zone" either.

[slapshot_oi]

She did tell me she wasn't sure if I could “handle” a woman like her. That is what I am wondering myself!

Ah, famous last words. Lines like that and "I really don't want to screw this up", or "I'm afraid I'll like you too much" is a clear sign she doesn't have much confidence in the relationship. Of course, this can change.

Don't worry about her exes, I'm sure you have a couple skeletons in your closet that she may not like. Every girl I dated, especially the most recent one, kept in contact with their exes. Of the most recent ex-girlfriend, I met one of her ex-boyfriends and he was pretty cool, her other ex wanted to kill me. Anyway, she asked if I had a problem with her friendships, and I told "It's not my business and you know that, this is your show. Besides, I still see [my ex's name] and we got together for a couple beers last Friday."

Bottom line, those guys have been in her life before you came along, there's nothing you can do about that. Just show her respect, stay calm and know that these are traits you hold over the Player, the FWB and the Local Yocal, they all seem insecure with themselves.