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natalie1987 · Jan 21, 2009, 06:27 AM

Hi I'm Natalie I'm 21 and I'm not really sure what category to put this under so I thought I'll just stick with relationships.
Anyway you's are so going to laugh but I'm not laughing I have a controlling Mother and its really getting me down she just keeps getting worse and worse, wanting to know who's text or rang me, trying to pick clothes out for me the list goes on. Recently I split up with my boyfriend and ever since she's been saying it was his fault she was put on anti-depressants (which she keeps taking herself off) she pushes for me to find another boyfriend or go out which I don't want to do, every time she comes in have you rang or text him today? She even sleeps in the same bed as me "too keep me company" she so suffocating I cannot breath its constant questions and she just keeps pushing and pushing constantly going on about my Ex who I'm trying so hard to move on from. I text him last night because there's still a few things we need to sort out and she again asked who text and because I said my friend she just kept pushing until I told her who it really was then she stormed off and hasn't spoken to me since.
This is so stupid I know but I just don't know what to do.

natalie1987 · Jan 21, 2009, 06:38 AM

I would really like someone's input she can be very good at making people feel guilty as well I just feel trapped by her.

HistorianChick · Jan 21, 2009, 06:50 AM

Is it possible to move out? Do you have a job? An income that you could support yourself?

natalie1987 · Jan 21, 2009, 06:52 AM

I would love to move out but unfornuatly I'm a student and my hours have been cut at work so I wouldn't be able to afford it

HistorianChick · Jan 21, 2009, 06:57 AM

Ok, that's not an option.

Have you spoken to her about her controlling tendencies? Not yelled at her to stop bugging you (been there, done that!), but actually sat down and had an adult conversation with her? Telling her the things that bother you, almost setting "house rules" type of thing?

I'm not saying that as the daughter, you have the responsibility to set the rules, but since you are two adult women living in the same place, she should treat you as one.

But, be warned, with growing up comes a whole lot more responsibility.

Do you pitch in around the house? Cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc? The best way for a Mom to stop treating you like a child is to show her consistently that you are an adult and are taking on adult responsibilities.

Once she recognizes that you're no longer her baby girl, she will be faced with the reality that she needs to treat you like an adult.

natalie1987 · Jan 21, 2009, 07:04 AM

I take care of most of the monetary issue buying shopping, putting gas and electricity on and stuff like that.
I have tried sitting her down and telling her how I feel she says it'll never happen again and it's fine for a couple of weeks she's a manic depressive so she's up and down all the time and she keeps taking herself off her medication but then eventually it goes back to normal I feel I've tried everything I've even talked to my brothers but when they have a word with our mam she takes it out on me like how dare you involve anyone else and makes me feel guilty for talking to them. I've even tried talking to my Ex as he lived with us for a while but he just got angry at me and put the phone down on me because he said its not his problem which is true but I thought he could give me some friendly advice but he just thinks I'm crazy and stalking him. I'm starting to dislike her which is making me feel even worse.

liz28 · Jan 21, 2009, 07:04 AM

Your mother might be acting this way because she is depressed and doing this in hopes of trying to be your best friend than a mother. She might see nothing wrong with this behavior so if you try to talking to her about it and nothing change and you can't afford to live on your own than you might have to deal with it or try move in with someone. Can you stay with a relative or friend?

natalie1987 · Jan 21, 2009, 07:07 AM

I know she's depressed and I've tried to help her through it as best I can but it's like she doesn't want to be helped.
I may be able to stay with my brother but that's a long shot as he has a young family :S

HistorianChick · Jan 21, 2009, 07:11 AM

I know all about manic depression. She needs to take her meds. You know that, she knows it, but when she gets in the downward swing, she doesn't take the meds because she doesn't feel that they are doing any good. Yup, I'm quite familiar with that.

Seems like liz28 is right; your mother is trying to be your best friend. Does your Mom have any other friends? Do your brothers come around a lot? She sounds lonely and is grasping at whatever "friendship" she can get, at the detriment of your sanity.

I would suggest staying with someone else for a week or two. Not completely abandoning her, but just saying, "Mom, I need a vacation. I'm going to stay at 'Suzy's' house for a week/two weeks. I'll have my phone if you need to reach me." And get away for a bit.

I'm sorry that I don't really have answers for you. The first thing I would suggest for your Mom is that she gets a doctor or someone to help her with medication regulation. When the meds are off, the person is off.

Wish I could help more.

liz28 · Jan 21, 2009, 07:13 AM

Then I think it's time to give your brother a call. It wouldn't hurt to ask.

natalie1987 · Jan 21, 2009, 07:16 AM

Thanks for everyone's advice I do really appreciate it
You've kind of hit the nail on the head with the meds
My mam doesn't have any friends and uses me as an excuse for not trying to make friends she says "when Natalie's unhappy I cannot make friends" but she doesn't realise she's partly the reason why I'm unhappy it just seems like a vicious circle I cannot seem to jump out of.

HistorianChick · Jan 21, 2009, 07:21 AM

Does your Mom ever do any community work? Clubs, church groups, gym classes, etc? Those are always great way to meet people, but to also get out of the house and pick up a new hobby.

Maybe that's something you can do together for a few times? Maybe see if she would be willing to go to a class or something together, get involved, and find out that it's OK to have her own "thing?"

Sounds like you're trying and that she loves you very much. She just doesn't know how to balance that with other activities. Check into stuff in your area. YMCAs and community centers always have "stuff" going on... you never know!

natalie1987 · Jan 21, 2009, 07:26 AM

Believe you me I tried all that getting her to go to coffee mornings joining the gym etc etc she just refuses point blankly to do anything until I'm "happy" which puts more pressure on me to be happy.
Oh I'm sorry it seems everything you's are suggesting I'm slamming down this has been going on for years.

talaniman · Jan 21, 2009, 07:28 AM

Not easy be a room mate with your parent, especially one who has special needs for her erratic behavior.

I can only suggest that when you get to that emotional point of irritation, visit a friend for a few days, and get yourself some peace of mind before going home to her.

Even old married couples irate each other, and need to take their breaks.

I'm sure you have a friend, or relative you can visit, and sleep over a day or two. Do this when it gets more than you can bear, and recharge your batteries.

Its easier to tolerate, and accept odd behavior, when your fresh, and rested, and have a clear mind. Stress gets to the best of us all, so relax a bit. It passes.

natalie1987 · Jan 21, 2009, 07:31 AM

Yeah I think you's are right its just plucking to courage up to ask and not worry about my mam trying to do something stupid (she has taken an overdose in the past and almost jumped off a pier)

asking · Jan 21, 2009, 07:54 AM

I agree with the advice given here. I would say to try to get some emotional distance on the situation, and actually taking a break occasionally will help you do that. Maintain your own friendships and family relationships so that you don't become isolated with your mother.

Also, I wanted to say that not only is it bad for you to be so suffocated but ultimately it's bad for your mother too, because if you crumble emotionally or if you leave, she will lose her main life line at this point. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty--you have enough of that!--I'm trying to say that it's good for your mother for you to get your own needs met and to feel emotionally healthy.

Str8stack71 · Jan 21, 2009, 07:59 AM

My suggestion would be to ask her nicely if she would not interfer in your personal relationships... and stick to your guns on it. But keep in mind, that if you decide to do this, you can't run to her and complain or tell her what's going on with your relationship or that will give her an open door to get involved again... that's just my opinion...

natalie1987 · Jan 21, 2009, 02:53 PM

I tried asking her she just doesn't get the hint.

Synnen · Jan 21, 2009, 03:24 PM

So she gets mad for involving your brothers?

Well, they should be helping with her, imo!

She NEEDS to take her medication. If she does not, tell her that you will take her to the hospital and have her committed until she is stable again, as she is NOT in her right mind when she is off her medication.

Let her know that when she is behaving erratically, you involve your brothers because you ALL worry about her, and you feel you can not handle all of her health concerns on your own.

Turn it back on HER every time she makes it about YOU. She can't do something until you're happy? Tell her you won't be happy until she is taking her meds and getting involved with other people. Tell her that if SHE is unhappy you can't be happy.

She is trying to live THROUGH you, not live her own life, and that's incredibly unhealthy. Get your brothers to join you, IN PERSON to talk to her about this, and decide ahead of time, together, how you and your siblings will handle all of her reactions. If this has been going on for years, then you should all know how she's going to react to everythign you're going to say.

natalie1987 · Jan 23, 2009, 04:22 AM

Thanks for everyone's advice I went to my brothers and we both went over to his house for "neutral ground" if you like and we both (My brother and I) sat down and told her all of our concerns and we were rather frank about it, she's agreed to go back to the doctors and to back on her meds and also get some proper help.
She's even moved back into her own bed which is a good first step.
I know she isn't going to get better over night and My brothers and I have been her life for the past 30 years, I've also said though the next time she comes off her meds that's it I will get her sectioned.
So thanks again for everyone's help and advice, hopefully she'll get better soon :)