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love092489 · Dec 20, 2008, 11:35 PM

Hello,
Ok so I need some help. I know that this may sound weird, but I seem to have this problem where I reject relationships that could work. It seems like I'm afaid of happiness or something. Yes, I know that sounds terribly crazy, but whenever there is a guy and he has potential to be a good guy I pick him apart. I always can find something wrong with him that I can't seem to look past and I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to be happy and have a good relationship, but I guess since I've been hurt so many times it just seems normal for things to end so for things to be going right I reject it! Please can someone help me with this?

JBeaucaire · Dec 21, 2008, 12:16 AM

Before we side with your conclusion that you are doing wrong, give us some specific examples of ACTUAL reasons you broke up with the last three guys you dated. Be specific, we're anonymous here, so honesty is helpful.

And answer from the point of view you had THEN, not now. Don't rationalize it as bad, just tell is the reasons you had in your mind and the way you broke up with him over it.

hjpan · Dec 21, 2008, 12:46 AM

nsecurity.

You should seek some help from friends to encourage your decisions.

roxypox · Dec 21, 2008, 06:49 AM

Like hjpan said; insecurities!

Not that you don't want to be happy, but you might just be very scared of being hurt by someone you connect with, bond with and so on.

Which is not that strange if you've been hurt, I know several people who thwart of potential relationships b\c they're scared to get hurt.

Like hjpan suggested you should talk to some good friends about it. Tell them what's bothering you. You seem to have thought about this, what you do, possibly why you do it. Which is a good start when it comes to changing or\and breaking the pattern.

Have you considered counseling?

Lol counseling might seem like a drastic step, but good friends is a nice first step, friends know you, like you, love you. And want you to be happy.

Have you thought about steps you could take that can be a way of trying to break the cycle?

N0help4u · Dec 21, 2008, 07:00 AM

What type of guys do you go for?
If these good guys are potentially good and you back off is there something in their personality that makes you back off?
Like I have found that some potentially 'good guys' can be too clingy or needy. So if it isn't that you are scared to get into a relationship but you are afraid of things going too smoothly then it may be something you just don't 'feel right for you' about the guy himself.
Make a list of pro's and con's about the guy, you and your feelings for him and how you think a life with him would go.
Then maybe you can pinpoint your fears and where you are focusing your attention.

talaniman · Dec 21, 2008, 10:52 AM

Stay out of relationships until you have healed, and can overcome your hurts, and fears.

Your actions are still based on those hurts, and fears, from the past, and you need some time, and maybe some guidance to be able to trust, and take risks again.

Patience is needed through this process, which means having fun, and meeting people is a great idea, but staying out of an exclusive relationships, for now, is the best approach.

We all have to grow, and learn how we cope with our feelings, in a positive, realistic, and honest way. That's what we base our actions, and reactions on.

love092489 · Dec 21, 2008, 11:42 AM

Ok well this is answer the questions that I have been asked. Ok the last couple relationships... this one guy.. he was really sweet and he gave me flowers for the hell of it and he called me all the time and took me on dates, but he used to tell me I was beautiful ALL THE TIME and I would get so annoyed by that! I mean every couple minutes he would tell me I was beautuful. I would try to have a real conversation and some how we would end up talking about my looks again. I am not a girl that needs to be constantly reminded of how I look. That was too annoying and I do believe that I am afraid of being hurt. And it does seem like the good guys are clingy and they can become to be too much and you just want to drop them. But the other guys they do too little! Is there an in between?

TrueFaith · Dec 21, 2008, 11:45 AM

You have no self worth I feel

And when people tell you. You are pretty. You don't feel it
And you don't feel you should have someone nice in your life

My advice

Sort your head out first before you go into any typ of relationship.

If you keep on acting like this.
You will always be alone ;)

talaniman · Dec 21, 2008, 11:56 AM

Knowing when to stop seeing some one, is a skill that's best learned early.

sully123 · Dec 21, 2008, 01:14 PM

Don't take your past relationships with you. Believe me, a lot of us do. We compare and look for things wrong with the next person we meet. It's not good. Just be yourself and take the compliment when someone gives it to you. Every time you want to pick apart someone think twice about it.. Good luck.

irishdingbat42 · Dec 21, 2008, 01:25 PM

Because you don't want a relationship, commitment is scarey, and you sound young enough to not have to be, chill out, have fun, eventually the right man will find his way into your heart for an extended period, until then, let your love guide you wherever you like...

roxypox · Dec 21, 2008, 02:58 PM

Hehe yeah is there an in between?

I don't like clingy either, scares me off faster then you can say gone! Especially if you hardly know the person...

Like Tal said, which was pretty insightful; seeing as you have been hurt in the past, it might be a good idea to just let yourself heal. Fully, and then learn how to trust and take risks. Do you think some of the guys have been close to being in between those examples you mentioned? Maybe hanging out, casually dating and such is good enough for now. To just meet new people and experience new things is enough for now?