[learnintolikeme]

People often write in when they are hurt by someone else's actions towards them. Myself included. When I actally took the time to sit down and reflect over why my husband approached his X after so many years of marriagei realised that he too may be crying out for help. I don't believe that he deliberately tried to hurt me but instead it may have been to find out why all the women in his life take him for granted and like the x dump him. You see, I wasn't attentive enough to his needs over a very long time . I got too comfortable and took him for granted. Although I am not defending or accepting him having an emotional affair , I am instead trying to understand why I may have helped push him in this direction.
I don't want to leave him and I believe and hope that we have enough together to build a new future. Some days I feel that we have a better life now than before so I should actually thank her for helping us find each other again. On the other hand some days I waken up tortured terrified that this affair is not over!! Talk about being confused
All in all at the end of the day we are only human beings learning to control our instincts.
My instincts are telling me to work hard at this and accept that I too am not perfect.
For those of you that have men that don't want to talk about problems and feelings, I truly understand you... but please step back and observe, these guys are talking to you continuously with their actions and body language. Sometimes they are saying more. This is fun when you realise this and cuts down on lots of frustrated anger.

[talaniman]

I have to agree for the most part, as we humans do make mistakes, but if we learn from them, and try to do better, we gain much from the experience.

Best of luck with your journey.

[Noodles15]

I'm in the same kind of place right now, except I know I did really bad things, and I know he did bad things, and we're both trying to accept it and move forward.

May I ask how you deal with the days when it hits you really hard? I've just been trying to let them pass over me but it hurts so much, it's the same for my guy too, he has those moments where the stuff I've done has hit him really hard and I don't ever know what to do for him.

[Dragonfly1234]

Hi, first of all I'd like to say that I think you are doing a good job at how you are approaching this, and how you are trying to work things out with your husband.

I think it's interesting what you said about observing the non-verbal that men put out there. If you ever feel up to getting into it a bit more, I'd be curious as to what kinds of things you've now realised you were not catching on at the time. Can you give an example of a behaviour that you would have missed or actions that your husband used to communicate with you? I just find this part very interesting because I too have a husband who does not communicate with words, but tells a lot with non-verbal. And it's challenging as hell to try and get to the bottom of situations or feelings with him. Sometimes it can take me weeks or months of observing him, knowing that there definitely is something that I'm missing, until I finally understand what his 'odd behaviour' is all about. And then the next time around, I forget what the behaviour meant directly, but I remember that it's a red flag of some sort. Anyway, I think it's good you are trying to re-build your relationship and I hope everything works out well for you.

[learnintolikeme]

Hei Noodles, thank you for your comment it is really comforting to hear that others are also going through this.( Although I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy )
Your question : "How do i deal with the bad days"
In one I accept them... I know they will come and I expect them. I try to understand and pinpoint what is making me sad, angry, frustrated or depressed. I know hat my husband will notice this and perhaps get a little peeved with a " here she goes again " attitude. So I think this is good. ( he notices ) I wait a little and then I send him a message, either email or text. I let him know that I care for him although my attitude is off but my intentions deep down are good. I ask him to be patient with me and remind him that I love him. ( Keeping it short )This avoids an argument and always receives an answer, usually short but very sweet. This picks me up and turns the day into a good one. It also lets me experience how it feels to receive small notes from him ( This is how the affair was carried out ) In an odd kind of way I feel that I am challenging the other woman, my messages have depth , warmth and true meaning from the heart. If this is not good enough for him then we have no place together. In many ways I am also protecting myself, you see when I cannot get him to speak that frustrates me and makes my imagination go haywire. When I write and get an answer it lets me know where I stand and gives me strength to keep trying . When he answers me I feel that he cares and this is a great platform for building a new future. Neither of us want the past back so it is like starting afresh. It takes a lot of work but it helps me through the dark days. Words in writing are much stronger than spoken and can be read as often or as little as required.
But on saying all this I am still scared that I will have too many of these down days, I know that could kill our relationship, but at least the feelings will eventually be mutual. He will be fed up listening to me and I will be fed up feeling like that!! But my dream is to experience a happy marriage once again.

[learnintolikeme]

Hei Dragonfly. Wow! Let me see... well first of all we have to admit that the fact that they are still around is very important. With all of the bad feelings, tears, arguments etc etc, he should have been long gone if he wanted out.
The things I have noticed otherwise are small things like saying " Thank you" to things that I thought were previously taken for granted.
Cuddling more in the bedroom! If I turn my back he will pull me back.
The shocked look on his face is fun when I don't argue about something I normally would argue about. I ask instead, if he would perhaps care to help me lift something instead of demanding to be picked up.
A lot of this stems from my own attitude change. I believed that if I could change a little of the way I did things without changing who I am then life may be a little more comfortable for him. At first he didn't know how to respond to this, and I am sure he thought it was all just a ploy because I was feeling sorry for myself... but after about 3 weeks he began to respond with small gestures.
I daren't ask questions yet, this always ends in an argument so at the moment I am satisfied with building up some good feelings. Maybe one day I will get the answers I need to be finished with this hurt. But I am guessing that won't be soon.
Of course I am no angel and this can all get to me too, now and then. For example I got really annoyed one day when I was trying and didn't seem to get any response, I blew up and told him that if he was putting me on trial for something he did wrong then I was out. I knew that this could have broken everything down after trying so hard. Instead it seemed to win a little respect, he put his arm around me and told me he was just a lttle tired. Thank goodness a great argument didn't unfold.
Well I'll keep taking one day at a time.