[Grayfox]

Ok, so my girlfriend and I have been broken up for about a month and two weeks. We talk from time to time. I broke up with her, and there's been a lot of drama. The thing is, part of me knows that I would be happier with someone else later in life. However, the other part of me thinks that her and I could work it out. Here are the factors. After we broke up I was talking to another girl about a week later and we fooled around a bit a few times and talked a lot. However, we mutually decided to stop and just be friends. Then my ex and I start talking about two weeks after we broke up. We met from time to time and often had conversations and ended up kissing and fooling around ourselves twice. The whole time this was going on my ex was very mean and very unlike herself. Avoiding me when possible, yet texting me whenever she saw me with someone else. She started cussing a lot, smoking, and partying constantly. Later on I find out that she's kissed three people from a friend of hers. She later admitted to it and somehow found out about me and this other girl. We talked about it worked out our differences, but I did not tell her the whole truth about me and the girl because I was afraid that she hadn't been telling me the whole truth. Anyway, we agreed to let it be for a while and talk over thanksgiving break. We met for a couple times over break and we had a few conversations that were pretty nice. We talked about potentially working through everything and starting over with more space and trust, of course agreeing to make certain rules for ourselves and mutually be happy. However, the last night we met I had a sinking feeling that there was something she wasn't telling me. I begged her to be honest with me, and told her that I had something else to tell her as well. She continued to lie about there being nothing else to tell me and it being none of my business ( despite our desire to work on our relationship) I pursued and pursued and eventually she tells me she had sex with someone a few weeks after we broke up. In our relationship sex was extremely sacred and something we both agreed to never do again until we were married. She got drunk and had sex with someone at a party and told me at the time she had wanted to. I then told her the extents of my hook up with the other girl (not sex, never sex) and she was upset. I began to realize what she had done and didn't think I could ever see her the same. We had always talked about how special sex was to us, and she just threw it away because she was upset over a break up? I am now very upset, I was in a very good situation before this and felt comfortable taking it slow with her and trying to fix problems, or mutually agreeing it wouldn't work. I know I did wrong things, but to me she ruined us. She acts very upset about it, but I don't know if I can ever forgive her. Like I said we live on the same floor in the same college, we go home for winter break in two weeks. When were home we act so different, I know we will be tempted to talk because were pretty much all alone in a small city. I don't know what I should do, there's a feeling inside me that knows that if I got over her permanently id be fine and id meet a girl that I was truly in love with, but another part feels I should try and fix this if I can because I don't think the wound is going to heal if she's constantly around me... any advice would be appreciated.

[ZoeMarie]

Oh my gosh... what a bunch of unnecessary drama. I would honestly just stop talking to her. It's OK for her to fool around with someone after you break up but it's not OK for you?? I'm sorry but what your ex does is not your problem because he or she is your ex. I'm totally not trying to be rude toward you but I'm just saying she shouldn't have double standards. Now is the time to start with no contact.

[thadevilsadvocate]

I agree with Zoe, that she can't be mad at you for fooling around if she did it herself... and that being said, this should demonstrate a lot about her character. Secondly, in the very beginning and at the end of your post, you said that you know you could be happy with someone else later in life... the fact that you can even think that shows that this is not the girl you need to be with. That statement alone, is not fair to you and sad to say, is not fair to her either. You are worried that she destroyed your relationship by having sex with someone, but you are sitting here talking about how you could see yourself with someone else? How do you think she would feel if you were to tell her that? Maybe the same way you felt about how she ruined everything because she violated the terms of your "sacred sex"?

Reasons to be with her:
1.) because a part of you thinks that you should work things out


Reasons not to be with her:
1.) Because ONLY A PART of you thinks that you should work things out.

2.) Because you can see yourself HAPPIER with SOMEONE ELSE later in life.

3.) Because you have a standard on sex, which is fine, but she VIOLATED it, so then you would just be settling for less than your own standards.

4.) Because you both lied and withheld information from each other, and unfortunately, two wrongs don't make a right.

5.) Because she only talks to you when you are either with other girls (which means you might be over her) or when she is lonely or bored.

6.) Once again, because you can see yourself happier with someone else.


Do yourself a favor and let her go. She has issues, and you don't need to deal with them. Don't communicate with her in any way, whether you are at school or at home, no matter how she tries to contact you.

[Grayfox]

I do well certain days, but when days start to stack and I realize I haven't talked to her or heard how she's doing, I get really sad. I really don't know if I have the willpower to let her go completely. My first girlfriend and I still talk, and we broke up right before I started dating this one... which was two years ago. Me and my first ex are good friends. I have absolutely no idea how to get over a girl. Im beginning to worry if ill allow someone I've had sex with to exit my life... its almost scaring me. I realize more and more every day that I can give pretty good advice to people about relationships, but there's no way in hell I can take my own advice. I feel so alone without someone close in my life like that. I can't even see the things that I'm doing wrong as I'm doing them, I just try to justify everything, even when I'm being manipulative or prying. Maybe I have no idea what its like to experience loving someone. Both girlfriends I've had have disappointed me, and I still fought to make it work, fought to make them not regrets. What could be wrong with me? Why do I feel that need... I knew from the beginning that this girl wasn't right for me, but I let her enter my life and we were happy sometimes. Yet, I constantly told her I didn't think it was right. Because of my own inability to let her go I allowed myself to manipulate her and abuse her emotionally... yet all of it was only coming back on me. Why can't I just accept when something is wrong and leave it be... I feel a desire to change her... I know I can be better... do I just need to find someone who agrees with me? Am I just dating the wrong kinds of people? Everyone at my age does stupid things... and I can't accept any of it... I can't be apart of it, and I can't find anyone who's truly like me. I feel very cornered right now, and college is a very important time in my life... its like I just want a fix to make the pain go away and allow me to get through the things I have to do.

[thadevilsadvocate]

What you are feeling is perfectly understandable. You will have good days and bad days, and you will have days that you want to know what is going on with her and then you will have days in which you don't want to know what is going on with her. It is normal that you would like a fix to make the pain go away, but that is not going to make the situation any better in your heart. It may help your brain, but won't help your heart.

As for you knowing that something wasn't right in the beginning, but continuing to wade through all of the crap and stick it out to make it work, shows that SHE was really just a fix for you. You are a person that does not like to be alone, and therefore, you felt that if she would only do this or that differently, or if she would just realize how hurtful some of the things she did were, then the relationship would come together. You would rather go to the end of the earth for her to make the relationship, instead of being honest with yourself and recognizing that you were pulling most of the weight in the relationship. Because you weren't honest with yourself, you began to become frustrated with the fact that she didn't want to make as much effort as you, which sounds to be a maturity issue on her part, and therefore you began the manipulation. You tried to help her fix her maturity issues, when in fact, the only way that those things will change, is through her own trial and error. They think that you are trying to make them change who they are rather than how they do things, and then you start to look like a pretty bad guy, when all you are trying to do is love her and get the same in return. It is my assumption that you probably don't like to give up on things, and that you would rather do whatever it takes to make something work, than just simply give up on it. This is a great trait, and someday, the person that you wind up settling down with, will appreciate that. However, this girl doesn't seem to possess that same motivation.

You need to stop looking for love and let it come to you. When you look for love, you tend to settle and you wind up in situations like this, where you are putting in 100% effort and getting 20% in return, and therefore you wind up having to put in 180% effort to make up for her lack of effort, and all for a relationship which isn't even worth it. Take this time that you are single to enjoy who you are as a person and be proud of yourself and your standards. Don't jump on the first opportunity to get in to a relationship, but rather get to know people as friends, and over time you will meet someone that has similar beliefs, interests, and most importantly similar standards as you, and then you can take things slow from there. You mind seems to be mature for your age, in that you want to be in a relationship and put forth whatever it takes to make it work, but your heart is still lagging behind a little bit.

Stay busy, hit the gym, hang out with friends, play sports, hobbies, and just do things you enjoy... and through that you will meet people that have at least one similar interest as you, because you are both there at the same place, doing the same thing. However, don't go in there with the intention of trying to find a girl. Remember, this is time for you to just be happy with who you are, and you need to stop looking for love.

You need to avoid all communication, get everything that she gave you or that reminds you of her and put it out of your site. Stay busy, and let this be the first time that you learn how to block someone out. If it works out, a year or so, maybe more, down the road, you could possibly communicate. This is something that wasn't working, and you need to just leave it alone. You can't take your own advice, so here I am giving it to you.

[Grayfox]

Wow so right after I finished reading devil's post. My ex gets on aim and starts telling me about how she feels that she misses me, misses cuddling, misses my family, misses sleeping together. etc. She says that she wants me, and all this other stuff but that she knows its not right and that she wants me back for the wrong reasons. We talked about a lot of stuff, she says she really doesn't feel like we can date again. All I'm thinking about is how I can't read her at all. I think she's worried about another girl that I'm getting closet too honestly, but I don't know whether to take any of these things seriously, I will be cautious, but I invited her up to my room and she came, we talked for a little bit more and then she went to sleep. She says she needs time, and if she ever were to consider dating me it wouldn't be for a long time because she needs to clear her head, she's not ready to sleep together, yet she wants to... and I don't mean sex... I just mean sleep together. I even invited her to. She said she needs more time and I texted her back saying I don't know if I can give her much more. Im not going to be dangled from a string, but I know some of her feelings are genuine, she was crying. I think the truth is, we just need to not be at this place together, we need to not have winter break coming up ( a very sensitive time for both of us, we've spent two together) in such a quiet city full of our memories. Its like I know ill move on with my life, but things are stacking up against our break up and I'm having to work 3 times as hard on top of my inability to let people in my life go easily. Is it possible to date the same girl you had a relationship with casually over a month and a half period without getting attatched again? I can't help but think it probably isn't but part of me really wants to give it a shot and see what happens... when we come back we will be in the same situation at college for an additional 3 months for our second semester. After that I will have the chance to finally break away from her but good god, that's like 5 months... I really don't know what to do. Ive even thought about just diving in another relationship to get my mind off this one and to make it not possible for us to consider dating, but when were home for break... its almost guaranteed were going to talk, we don't really have many friends there or have hung out with anyone else. She usually spends massive amounts of time at my house, especially during special occasions like christmas. This sucks...

[Romefalls19]

We preach NC on here for a reason, because it works. You need to cut her out of your life, confusion in the head is natural. Letting her add to lifes confusion is a choice, I wouldn't want to be as confused as you but I have been there before and it's not good at all. You will find someone better and have a happy relationship without all this confusion

[talaniman]

Your only prolonging the agony, and the misery, and pain, you cause each other.

Maybe you can't help how you feel, but you can certainly control your actions. Stop messing with the girl, and yourself.

No Contact!

[Grayfox]

Im going to be completely honest. I really don't know if no contact is a possibility for me at this point. I find myself not thinking about her a lot. When I am thinking about her I'm trying to figure out what it is about myself that wants her in my life. More than anything this is self discovery for me. The fact that she knows so much about me, that she's seen me in so many lights, she's seen the real me... really bothers me and creates a sense of vulnerability that at times causes me to panic and grip on to her. There are a lot of moments and days where I don't think about her at all. If we were under different circumstances (not living on the same floor in the same building at the same college) and were stronger people, I feel that no contact would be much more realistic. I can honestly say that I just can't do it right now. It happens on its own for periods and there are times where I have no desire to talk to her at all and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, while there are days when I feel like I'm completely alone and am going to stay that way if I don't figure out how to have a good relationship, which causes me to want to fix this one. I understand that this relationship is tainted, and it seems like more and more factors seem to be coming to light that are just screaming, "dude this girl is a waste of your time". I have some kind of weird habit of wanting to contribute to the inner development of people I'm close with, especially girlfriend status. So despite the fact that she's making mistakes it makes me want to help her rather than accept that she's just not like me and never truly has been. How can I learn to accept that she's making bad choices and not feel the pain of her choices and a desire to fix them or know everything going on that she's doing that she's always said she wouldn't? The thought of change is horrifying to me, not having that comfort, that safety blanket... yet I have been through this before so I know in time it will get better, I just want to make sure that time yields as much learning and growth for me as it can as I do not ever want to experience these mistakes again. I contribute a large percentage of my attatchment and pain to sex in the relationship... I feel at 18 having a 2 year relationship with sex as something valuable is just pain waiting to happen. That is one mistake I will learn from. I've thought about it and realized that I want something to click, I want to see things differently and to understand. I want to see this from a birds eye view and be able to smile. Yet, I also realize... I don't care about myself nearly as much as I should... to me its always about the here and now, fixing whatever is causing the problem right then and there. If its missing my ex, I text her. Eh... I just want to learn and reach that point where I'm looking back at myself and smiling, thinking about how dumb I was and how happy I am to be where I am now.

[talaniman]

Time gives you all of that, so patience is what you need.

[jmw0713]

Remember... no matter how hard you try, you cannot change people. People will always do things their own way. If you try to change them, you end up changing yourself. You loose yourself to that person you are trying to help, or change, and in the end you end up becoming someone your not and someone that the other person may not love.

Always live your own life and SHARE IT with someone you love. Don't make the other persons life YOUR life.

Sometimes, people need to do things for themselves and do them their own way. You can't be there ALL the time... if you are, you're putting way too much into the relationship and setting yourself up for disaster. You end up turning into a controlling partner that smothers the relationship. No one wants that, no matter who they are.

[Grayfox]

Im losing it. When we broke up I had told her that I thought it would be a good idea not tobe friends on Facebook, so I blocked her. Its been a month and a half. Today she was working on a paper and I walked by where she had been working. I know that she left, and I'm ashamed to say I looked at her Facebook on her computer. What I saw was extremely saddening, her calling other guys baby and flirting. What the hell is wrong with me... im not that kind of person. I really wish I could just erase her from my memory. She is back to being the slut she was before we started dating, being sexually involved with 15 people before even meeting me shouldve been my cue... I have no self-control whatsoever... what the hell can I do, she lives on my floor... I see her multiple times every day... I wasn't ready for this. Im trying... I really am... I'm better than I was... but I think its just because I've gotten so used to the way she is now, I'm just accepting it. I think I might need serious help.. . The scariest thing is that I want her to suffer... I want her to feel the pain I feel and more... but I know that isn't right. Its like I've been raised to believe in saving sex until marriage, combined with the way people are in college and now my ex doing these things... im just losing myself... its like I want to make mistakes... but I already know ill pay in the future. I don't think I've ever felt so disappointed in myself in my life.

[busterite]

The scariest thing is that I want her to suffer... I want her to feel the pain I feel and more... but I know that isn't right

This is just a reaction to what you have found out. The truth is that you've been beaten down by this but bringing, the person that has caused this, down with you is not a solution and will not make you feel any better. If anything it will leave you feeling guilty and think less of yourself. I suggest you cut all ties and walk away. The longer you play with fire the worst you will get burnt.

I understand you are feeling deceived and betrayed but I think the best thing for you right now and the worst thing for her is for you to disappear from her life.

There is no reason for you to feel disappointed. We have all had irrational thoughts after having to deal with such crap. The important thing is to manage your anger and what you feel and not act on them. You need to find other ways of purging the anger (go to the gym). Hurting her or sitting there and being let down by your thoughts is a lose-lose situation. Turn this in to a win-win situation by taking her out of your life completely. Would changing rooms at your dorms be an option for you?

[Grayfox]

It seems like every bit of advice I get is dead on... its ridiculous... everything makes such sense yet the pain is still there, and the caring is still there. I am so mad that I have to deal with this at my college. That she had to come along and bring this with her. I was so worried this would happen, but I let her come and now I'm paying the price. Im going to work to fix this inch by inch. As for changing rooms, yes it is possible, but my roommate and I got this room together. We have been friends since I've been in college and I don't think I want to leave him and my other friends because of all this. I want her to disappear from my life, but I really don't know how easy that is going to be. Were from the same home town, we go to the same school and we live in the same building. Is it possible to become desensitized to seeing her over time? Or is this just going to drag out pain? The worst thing about this situation is that my paradigm keeps shifting. Every day I feel something different, some days confident, some shy, some missing her, some wanting to talk to other girls, some wanting to make mistakes, some knowing that I could never make another mistake. I think not fully knowing myself is making this harder for me to deal with. I feel like all I want out of life right now is to be happy, I'm struggling to find a major, I'm struggling to get over a girl, I'm struggling in a fraternity that I don't feel I belong etc. I don't even really know what makes me happy, I just haven't experienced enough, I know that a girl makes me happy... and that's the last thing I need in my life right now until I figure out what I'm about. It just all gets to be too much and I give up, I go back to square one. Talking temporarily fixes it, but its been roughly 2 months now and I feel like I haven't gotten used to it being over, but rather the relationship has just evolved into what it is now, 2 people trying not to communicate, but communicating anyway and hurting each other in other ways... and all the good and the bad isn't the last thing ill remember.

[talaniman]

Your in college, and learning stuff to help you later, your also learning stuff about yourself, that will help you later.

We all have to learn and your no different. That's why we can give you advice, and you can do it, or not, but you will learn how to deal with your pain in a positive productive way. Hang in there.

[busterite]

Im going to work to fix this inch by inch.

This is what you need to keep reminding yourself because nothing will change overnight. Just take things one at a time. Don't try to solve all your issues at the same time.

I understand that you are going through a rough patch in your life, and the truth is that this is a transitional part in your life, but this is the time you need to experience all this so that you are better equipped to make future decisions.

I understand you are getting worried about a lot of issues in your life now but what is most important now is YOU. Don't get overwhelmed by all this. I know it's a lot but you sound like a rational and sensible guy and I am sure you will get over this.

You are still confused about all this and that's why you get these rollercoaster feelings. If you are talking to her you need to stop right now. Ignore her completely as hard as that may be. Keep telling yourself that this is over and stop analysing her moves or trying to find out what she is doing. No good has come out of it and no good will come out of it.

The reason you feel you don't know yourself is because this is the first time you are dealing with such a thing and you are experiencing things you have never before. We all have and we have made bad and good decisions but what matters most is to learn from them and not keep repeating the bad ones over and over again.

You need to find a way to block this out so that you can focus on the things that really matter in your life such as choosing a major.

[Grayfox]

Hey guys, so I've been going strong no contact for the past 3 days and have honestly felt fine. It hasn't been nearly as bad as I expected, and I haven't even been very busy.(Then again its only been 3 days) For me this is a good step. However, today she got on aim while I was on and sent me a message asking if I wanted two articles of clothing back (im pretty sure she knew I wasn't interested in having them back), she proceeded to ask how I was. I kept it brief, said no thanks to the inquiry about the clothing, then yea I'm fine why? To the question about how I'm doing. She said a couple things about how she knew we needed a clean break and said shed see me around OK? I replied to all of these things saying nothing more than "yea". Then she got off... just want to make sure I didn't ninja my own brain by responding to her or give her anything she wanted.

[talaniman]

Brief, but polite! Glad you didn't let her draw you into a deep conversation about the relationship. Good job!

[jmw0713]

She may have been testing to see if you will still talk to her. My ex does that from time to time. She will call or email me every few weeks. I'll reply or whatever, but I keep it very light, polite, and brief. I also don't put any meaning to the correspondences whatsoever. That way if she does contact me, I'm minimize giving myself false hope. To me she is just an acquaintance at best, and I plan to keep it that way for the foreseeable future.

You seem to be doing well with all of this. Now is the time to start GETTING BUSY. You need to get out and do something to keep your mind occupied and off her. That's the only way you will discover "life after the ex". For example, I've been going to football games (GO RAVENS) and I have an off-shore fishing trip coming up this weekend with some buddies. It's going to be freezing cold, but it will be fun.

Fill up your time. That way you have less time to think about things.

[kctiger]

I agree with jmw. My ex, if I don't contact here, will contact me every so often. She will also try and push my buttons, just to piss me off, as she is good at doing that. I just, as jmw said, keep it short and casual. They like to play with your mind. Just don't play their games.