[talaniman]

I agree with Homegirl, as you both have separate priorities to attend to, and need the time, ansd space, to do it.

[frangipanis]

He has a child with issues and you have a 12 year old daughter that needs your attention, so IMO moving in together at this juncture would not be wise.
Your daughter should be number 1 and I'm just not a believer in people living together when there are minor kids involved.
Besides there are just too many things going on in his life right now.
When the time is right, you two will be together.

Helpful.

To reassure both of us and explain more how I feel about things, my partner and I are not actually moving in together at this juncture as we haven't set a date. My daughter is in her own space that she knows and trusts. I've worked hard for her to be where she feels secure and happy... regrettably, not without me getting grumpy and her being angry and disappointed at times. Still, she has been at the same school with the same friends since 2001 and is looking forward to their graduation dinner next month. She's also excited about starting at the High School of her choice next year and will be there with her friends she's known for years --- that won't change whether my partner and I move in together, or not. This is one of the reasons I never went along with the idea of a distance relationship. It's also the reason my partner and I have rarely stayed overnight at each other's home.

There are a lot of things I could never do. Protecting and nurturing my daughter has always been my priority, and always will be. I have seen her benefit from me being in a loving relationship with a trusted male, since being in a loving adult relationship has often made it easier for me to give my children the love and emotional support they want. It's often a tricky balance, and certainly hasn't always been ideal. There's a lot of room for improvement. Not having been through this before, I'm learning as I take each next step.

What he and I have agreed to is that we're both happy to make a commitment to each other that building our lives together is what we both want and will eventually do... hopefully not in the too distant future as life needs to move on and we all have our lives to live. While children are a priorty, parents have to take the lead.

My attitude is slightly different to yours, though probably no less cautious.

[frangipanis]

Glad your taking your time, and being thoughtful, as I can't see you being happy for the long run with someone who handles his anger in such a negative uncaring way.

It can be worked on though, and I hope you do, but you don't have to settle for anything less, than you can handle.

Partners must communicate, and work together, not withdraw from one another when there is a problem.

Hmm... I did say that only a week or so ago, didn't I. Your absolutely right about that. Thanks for the healthy reminder :)

I'm wondering if he's needed to learn to have more trust in me and in my judgement.

[Homegirl 50]

All I am saying is, you need to be very sure before you bring a man into your home with your child. Any drama going on between the two of you will have an affect on your daughter's life as well.
You're dating the man, she is not, nor should she have to live with him unless he is your husband and even that situation should be seriously considered.
But it is your life, your child. I wish you the best.

[Bonnie46]

He's the perfect lover when we're together and is incredible with gestures like gifts, making me a part of his family, and giving us wonderful holidays and times together. And I really do like him, as he can also be very warm and loving and giving of himself, regardless of any faults he might have. He pretty much feels the same about me.

.

From personal experience:
The most exciting lover I had, was the worst person I could have been in a relationship with. He was very controlling and insecure.

The guys who go all out with the gifts and make a big scene and spend tons of money - are the least likely to be trustworthy, caring, considerate and emotionally available partners. (most likely to cheat or get divorced)

This man may not be the one. It's probably time to move on, the see-saw will most likely not change for the better. Beware.


The best long-term match for you - may not be the most sexually satisfying partner you've ever had (in the beginning). When you find the right person, you teach each other and you LEARN to make it hot.

I found out the hard way. Now, I have the best guy in the whole world. I wouldn't change my husband for anything! He is the love of my life.

[frangipanis]

From personal experience:
The most exciting lover I had, was the worst person I could have been in a relationship with. He was very controlling and insecure.

The guys who go all out with the gifts and make a big scene and spend tons of money - are the least likely to be trustworthy, caring, considerate and emotionally available partners. (most likely to cheat or get divorced)

This man may not be the one. It's probably time to move on, the see-saw will most likely not change for the better. beware.


The best long-term match for you - may not be the most sexually satisfying partner you've ever had (in the beginning). When you find the right person, you teach each other and you LEARN to make it hot.

I found out the hard way. Now, I have the best guy in the whole world. I wouldn't change my husband for anything! He is the love of my life.

I'm glad it's worked out better for you with your husband.

[LifeChangesMan]

I would say that you should try and get a good sit down talk going, I mean everything happens for a reason, so if you go with the break idea, you don't know what you have until it's gone? You know what I mean? Love should really come out and don't worry about him seeing other people if he truly loves you, I truly love my girlfriend and girls are meaningless to me and I haven't spoke to my girlfriend over over 4 years in over a week!

[talaniman]

I'm wondering if he's needed to learn to have more trust in me and in my judgement.

I think your right, and I know you love him, but he is selfish, and very inconsiderate, bordering on anger issues, that he must deal with. In short baggage, that must be unpacked.

[frangipanis]

You've restored my faith :)

He couldn't have spelt it out more clearly that there are no other women and never will be.

Is it a problem with your girlfriend when you don't see her for a week? Just wondering.

[frangipanis]

I think your right, and I know you love him, but he is selfish, and very inconsiderate, bordering on anger issues, that he must deal with. In short baggage, that must be unpacked.

Thanks, Tal. You're right again.

[frangipanis]

There's still much more to him than anger issues that I agree he needs to deal with... that won't go away overnight, I know.

From what I understand of him, his approach to life is to work hard and get things done knowing he can trust his own abilities to do it well. That's where some of the control and anger comes in, since he finds it hard to let go and trust that other people can do it just as well. Often he's right, other times he limits people around him and gets frustrated by their reaction. Somewhere along the line he made the decision that he needs to get angry for anyone to listen to him. He gets annoyed easily and prefers to do the job himself. Having been let down by significant people he trusted or just wanted to trust him, is probably a key too.

On the positive side, he's one of the most responsible and capable adults I've ever met. He's never physically harmed anyone in his life or been unfaithful. That he likes to play hard is his reward to himself and the people he loves. It's easy to see that the wrong way rather than seeing him as someone who simply wants to make himself and others happy. He's old fashioned and is a good provider, and I have a lot of respect for him.

So Tal, can you actually help someone you love see that they need to address their anger and control issues? I'd value your opinion on this.

[talaniman]

My experience is that people can change if they want to, but need motivation from within themselves.

If you complain, or object, they may change long enough to deaden your complaints, but then its back to what they have been doing.

That doesn't mean you have to accept it, but deal with it with your eyes open, and realistically.

Don't pin your hopes on him changing because you asked.