[bgstyle3]

Im a 24 year old male and have been dating my girlfriend for almost two years and have been living together for almost a year. When we first met, the relationship was amazing, and for a while marriage was a strong possibility (her mom and grandparents even started talking about planning a wedding with me). My girlfriend has weird little quirks about her but I find them kind of funny and look past them. She doesn't like her neck touched and she doesn't enjoy kissing with her tongue. After we moved in together our sex life went downhill fast. Recently we have been arguing a bunch and I finally put everything out on the table and started evaluating our relationship. I came to the conclustion I felt like the girl I started dating basically now seems like I'm dating a guy. She says I need too much attention and I feel like she is incapeable of emotion and giving attention. When we have sex, there is no foreplay on her behalf and I honestly cannot figure out what turns her on. Sex consists of her deciding when (after I ask or beg her a couple of times throughout the week/weeks), me on top, she says she has an orgasm after about 3 minutes and if I haven't orgasmed by them, if I continue it hurts her. So its basically a race so she doesn't think that I'm not attracted to her if I don't. But I don't want to continue because I don't want to hurt her. Once the sex is over she gets up and does her thing and that's it. She goes about her business no hugging or cuddling or anything. Oral sex is not an option for us because it makes her uncomforable giving or recieveing. I also cannot touch her vagina as it makes her uncomfortable as well. She says she has never had any kind of negative sexual experience or trauma, so I can't figure out what is going on. When we talk about our sex life she gets defensive and I'm just trying to figure out what is going on. I have never met a girl like the one mine has become. No emotional attachment, no sexdrive, doesn't enjoy affection, she has a dominate personality but gets upset if I let her control things. Ive tried different things to revive our sexlife, and to restore our relationship but Im at my witts end here. I feel like I deserve a girl who I can treat well and will apprecitate my affection, my desire to be intamate, and make me feel good. It hurts to feel like your girlfriend wants nothing to do with you emotionally and physically. Not to say that I'm not at all to blame. She means the world to me and she says she still has feeling for me but I need to figure something out quick. Either cut my losses and move on or get some advice to put the spark back in our relationship. I know Im still young and there are a lot of girls out there. Im not the one to run around or cheat but like anyone, I enjoy the love and affection of a female. Sorry this is so long and not really to the point but anyone that has any advice please help!

[08_777444]

It's obvious you love her. But you cannot change her, or her sex drive. You either step it up, submit to the charade, or sacrifice to what end? Better you see the writing on the wall now before you actually took that final step to marriage. You're at an impasse, but you still have a choice. If this is who she is either accept her, leave her, but please don't cheat on her. You mentioned that in your post. Make your best effort to direct the outcome where you can still hold true to your virtue, reputation, and principles. If you stay true to yourself and your values there is still a chance for reconciliation in the future. If you cheat it is going to end badly and abruptly so why not act proactively now, rather than having to react later when it's out of your hands? It all lies in cause and effect. We have a responsibility to do the right thing.

It's important though that you wait until your perceptions are sharp, balanced and reasonable before you make a decision. Right now I think the aspect of sex is distracting you, as it would anyone with a healthy sex drive. You need your perceptions clear to guide you and they will support a position free from momentary distraction or impulse. Her life is in your hands. That's a big responsibility.

Whichever way it comes, it always comes full circle, whatever the result, you should accept that and use it as an opportunity to either try again, make amends or get it right in the future, maybe with someone else. But whatever happens, at least you will know that it happened for a reason and it will keep your life in balance.

Best of luck.

[bgstyle3]

I made a promise to her that I would never cheat on her and that is a promise I plan to keep. I am just so confused because she is like no other female I have ever met or heard of. Im a sexual person and feel that a healthy sex life it is an important aspect in a relationship (among many others). She simply isn't a sexual person and Im trying to figure out a happy medium if that is possible. Sex usually occurs once a week and on a good week twice. Right now its been over two weeks and Im going crazy, lol.

[08_777444]

I understand your frustration. A healthy sex life is an important aspect in any relationship, but you have to decide what works for you. Do you want someone you have great sex with, but you argue all the time? Or do you want someone who is so-so in the bedroom but you get along famously? Sometimes we aren't lucky enough to find someone who fulfills both, therefore, you have decide which one means more to you.

[Choux]

A healthy relationship is about sharing in all kinds of interests and activities... sporits, hobbiew, world view, goals for the future... each person in turn must have areas of life that are his or her own so he can bring a lot of fun and interest back to the relationship.

Sex is part of a healthy relationship, not the goal of a relationship.

Why don't you two go to a sex therapist together before you break up with her? Get imformation in depth so you know you made the right decision whatever it will be.

[Flaminangel74]

Im a 24 year old male and have been dating my girlfriend for almost two years and have been living together for almost a year. When we first met, the relationship was amazing, and for a while marriage was a strong possiblity (her mom and grandparents even started talking about planning a wedding with me). My girlfriend has weird little quirks about her but I find them kind of funny and look past them. She doesnt like her neck touched and she doesnt enjoy kissing with her tounge. After we moved in together our sex life went downhill fast. Recently we have been arguing a bunch and I finally put everything out on the table and started evaluating our relationship. I came to the conclustion I felt like the girl I started dating basically now seems like im dating a guy. She says I need too much attention and I feel like she is incapeable of emotion and giving attention. When we have sex, there is no foreplay on her behalf and I honestly cannot figure out what turns her on. Sex consists of her deciding when (after I ask or beg her a couple of times throughout the week/weeks), me on top, she says she has an orgasm after about 3 minutes and if I havent orgasmed by them, if I continue it hurts her. So its basically a race so she doesnt think that im not attracted to her if i dont. But I dont want to continue because I dont want to hurt her. Once the sex is over she gets up and does her thing and thats it. She goes about her business no hugging or cuddling or anything. Oral sex is not an option for us because it makes her uncomforable giving or recieveing. I also cannot touch her vagina as it makes her uncomfortable as well. She says she has never had any kind of negative sexual experience or trauma, so I can't figure out what is going on. When we talk about our sex life she gets defensive and im just trying to figure out what is going on. I have never met a girl like the one mine has become. No emotional attachment, no sexdrive, doesnt enjoy affection, she has a dominate personality but gets upset if I let her control things. Ive tried different things to revive our sexlife, and to restore our relationship but Im at my witts end here. I feel like I deserve a girl who I can treat well and will apprecitate my affection, my desire to be intamate, and make me feel good. It hurts to feel like your girlfriend wants nothing to do with you emotionally and physically. Not to say that im not at all to blame. She means the world to me and she says she still has feeling for me but I need to figure something out quick. Either cut my losses and move on or get some advice to put the spark back in our relationship. I know Im still young and there are alot of girls out there. Im not the one to run arond or cheat but like anyone, I enjoy the love and affection of a female. Sorry this is so long and not really to the point but anyone that has any advice please help!

If you guys fight a lot she might be depressed and not be into it. Maybe she's bored try something new. Be nice to each other no arguments at all for at least a whole day and when you go to bed try to be intimate. I kind of know what your going through me and my husband fight like cats and dogs everyday that's how bad it is and the only time we are nice to each other is when we are intimate for those few minutes, I'm pregnant and I see a counsler for depression, I cry a lot and don't have the urge to have sex at all because I feel he doesn't deserve it because we fight all the time and there is no love or affection at all only like I said for those few minutes and I don't wantthat I want it to last the whole day everyday. We once where truly in love when we first met but not anymore its verry sad, I thought what we had would last longer but the more I hope the more we apart. It really sucks you wake up everyday and it's the same it makes you just want to leave and never come back.

[dfrancon]

Wow, I'm sorry.
I'm a female and my bf's not interested in sex either so I understand how difficult the situation is.
Because the problems aren't just in the bedroom, I would seriously consider ending the relationship-- especially because she's not willing to talk about the problem.
Either she's stopped being attracted to you, or she's very deeply depressed and insecure. I used to be very insecure and as a result I hated receiving oral sex. But that didn't mean my general sex drive went down or that I wouldn't talk to my boyfriend. If she's depressed but still unwilling to communicate with you, it's a sad situation but you should leave. You should never be in a relationship where you're not getting anything out of it.

[clplaster]

Hey BG..
Thanks for posting on mine, I was going through the list and I saw yours. Your right, after reading your question we do have a lot in common.
First off this is a two way street to me and there should be a level of compromise. Why should it be you making all the sacrifices? Why do you have to change to suit her? That's what I'm faced with and feels that I have begun losing myself in everything that has gone on in my relationship. I would think that maybe you should talk to a sex therapist on your own at first before bringing it to her attention. See if there is something you can learn and try before taking her to them.
My GF saw a sex therapy discussion and immediately saw issues with her and some with me. We talked about it and I learned a few things as well as her. Don't make it a fight, what I do is voice myself in a non-confronting manner and let her decide whether I'm worth it. With me it isn't just let me have you and put me to sleep.. Hell no! I want her to want me too, for it to a mutual feeling.
In the end it will boil down to whether you are able to arrive at an agreeable compromise. How does it go “you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink” you can do everything under the sun the moon and the stars and that's all. Put your best and honest effort into your relationship and allow her to show you how she feels about you. If you matter to her the way she does to you then she “should” recognize and acknowledge your efforts. If she doesn't then maybe your being taken for granted and she has forgotten what you actually bring to her table.
I know it's hard, and it will be. Sex isn't everything in a relationship but it is a very large part. It is the one thing that you two do together that is only with you two. I mean what other parts of the relationship are there? Communication.. right.. that is also done with other people than you as well as a whole slew of items.. Sex is only between you two and should be held in the highest regards. To be sexually compatible to me is a very very very large deal, simply because it is only done with the people in the relationship.
I feel for you and hope for you to have better days, keep your head up and try to be positive.

[bgstyle3]

Thank you for the responses, the first post was definently more venting than anything. A day has passed and Ive had a chance to read your advice and suggestions. My girlfriend and I definently have issues other than our sex life which we are trying to make better, but for the most part we get along except for these past couple of weeks. Im still confused though. I honestly don't know how to feel about all that is going on. We have our differences and sometimes I do feel like maybe we aren't meant to be together, yet when I see her all I want to do is jump up and give her a big hug. I guess on this post ill stick to the sex life issue. As for the suggestions on trying new things and being romantic, I'm at a complete loss. When I first met my girlfriend she made a comment that "guys that get their girlfriends flowers are lame," so I never bought her flowers, until a few months later when she got mad at me for never buying her flowers. Ive bought her flowers a couple of times now and she seems to like them for a couple of minutes then they are forgotten. She simply isn't a romantic person or I can't figure out what she thinks is romantic. Ive tried wearing my work uniform around her, which she mentioned she thought was sexy, nothing. Ive worn other clothes she's mentioned and still nothing. Ive bought her things and every single thing is buried in the closet within a couple of days. Ive tried massages, being nice, I've tried it all. Its no so much the sex that I want (althought that would be a great bonus) but it's the intimacy that I desire. I want her to want me physically and emotionally as much as I want her, and that's what gets me so fusturated. She's a beautiful girl (she does have some body image issues which I'm trying my best to learn how to help her get over) and I'm sure those issues do play a role in all of this. Are some girls just not into romance? Yesterday I asked her if we were ever going to have sex again and she said I don't know. We had sex later that night and It went like this... She asked me if I wanted to have sex? I said yes, no foreplay, couple minutes later it was over, she got up and went in the other room to watch TV. I wasn't going to complain but I almost feel like the roles have been switched or something. Im really not sure where Im going with the response but I guess my point is my sexlife is emotionally unfulfilling. I asked her If last night was just pitty sex or if she actually had the honest desire, her comment was basically, "we had sex didnt we, leave it at that." Sorry this is so long again and not to the point. If anyone cares to add their opinion or ideas that would be great.

[talaniman]

Its hard when there is a lack of communications, and a willingness to work together to resolve your issues, to the benefit of you both. That's as important as good sex.

You may love her funky draws, but what good is that in the long run, if your not compatible, nor willing to be.

Go fishing, and think on the future with her.

[08_777444]

[QUOTE] She asked me if I wanted to have sex? I said yes, no foreplay, couple minutes later it was over, she got up and went in the other room to watch TV. [QUOTE]

“Couple minutes later it was over?” Hummmm… I think we stumbled upon something. Is there a possibility that she could be left wanting more?

You will never know unless you ask. You won't even know if she is satisfied unless you ask. There are a lot of things about her that you will never know unless you ask.

Say she is one of those woman who is a complete lady by day, but the proverbial freak by night. Maybe she has a problem expressing that. She could be wanting you to take charge and be a little more aggressive. Maybe she is insecure as the others said, which is not allowing her to enjoy sex. She could have another lover, she could be gay, but you will never know unless you come right out with it and get a little deeper into her psyche. If she is not a romantic person, and you have been spoiling her with romance, maybe it is time someone speaks up. Come right out and ask her if she would like you to lay off the romance for a while and try something different, something really kinky. Ask her if she is unsatisfied. Ask her if she wouldn't mind trying something new. I'm not saying that is what she is into, but she could be relieved you asked. Sometimes women just have a problem expressing their desires. If the doors to communication are open, and it doesn't sound like they are, you should take the opportunity to learn something about each other.

An unsatisfied woman is the worst kind of woman.

It's just a thought.

[bgstyle3]

[QUOTE=08_777444;1368698][QUOTE] She asked me if I wanted to have sex? I said yes, no foreplay, couple minutes later it was over, she got up and went in the other room to watch TV.

“Couple minutes later it was over?” Hummmm… I think we stumbled upon something. Is there a possibility that she could be left wanting more?

You will never know unless you ask. You won’t even know if she is satisfied unless you ask. There are a lot of things about her that you will never know unless you ask.

Say she is one of those woman who is a complete lady by day, but the proverbial freak by night. Maybe she has a problem expressing that. She could be wanting you to take charge and be a little more aggressive. Maybe she is insecure as the others said, which is not allowing her to enjoy sex. She could have another lover, she could be gay, but you will never know unless you come right out with it and get a little deeper into her psyche. If she is not a romantic person, and you have been spoiling her with romance, maybe it is time someone speaks up. Come right out and ask her if she would like you to lay off the romance for a while and try something different, something really kinky. Ask her if she is unsatisfied. Ask her if she wouldn’t mind trying something new. I’m not saying that is what she is into, but she could be relieved you asked. Sometimes women just have a problem expressing their desires. If the doors to communication are open, and it doesn’t sound like they are, you should take the opportunity to learn something about each other.

An unsatisfied woman is the worst kind of woman.

It’s just a thought.

The unsatisfied one is me, she says he has an orgasm almost every time and it takes her no more than 5 minutes to climax and she is done, it hurts her to continue and Im no where near climax. I mentioned in a different respones, it has become a race for me to "get off" before she does, if not she thinks I'm not attracted to her or I don't enjoy it. Ive come to the feeling that sex has no intimate or sentimental meaning to her. Its more of an inconvienence than anything. I could understand If we went at it for hours when had important stuff that needed to get done, but our sex life has consisted of "quickies." As for the proverbial freak, either I'm incapable of bringing it out of her or that it simply doesn't exist. After almost two years of attempt to do different things we have regressed in that aspect more than improved. I hate to say it but alcohol doesn't even bring out the possible "freak." To be honest about the taking charge suggstion, Ive almost been afraid to try that in fear that it might seriously backfire. In past relationships, that approach has been enjoyed. For a lack of better words, she's a strong woman, and doesn't believe in a controlling partner I guess you would say. Ive been a cheater in the past and Ive been cheated on, and I haven't seen anything that would point in that direction, I honestly trust her enough not to (even though in brief moments of insecurity about this dilema, it has crossed my mind). Ive tried every trick up my sleeve that has worked for me in past relationships to no avail. I don't want to come off sounding like its all about me getting enjoyment out of our sex life. If there are deeper issues (she may just not be attracted to me anymore) I want to learn how I can help her get past those issues any maybe experience the awesome feelings of being intimate. I know a sex therapist would be best qualified to help in that area, something my girlfriend would never consider, so I hope others personal experiences may shed some light on mine. Thanks to those who have show interest and gave their advice and opinions, they are all greatly appreciated.

[talaniman]

I agree, a trained third party may be a really good idea. Just me I tell her how I feel, nicely of course and if things don't change, or she is unwilling to communicate or work with me, see, you! But then again, I'm a simple guy, and can take the hint we might not be compatible. The rest of the relationship better be perfect.

[08_777444]

I'm no sex therapist, but I did hear a sex therapist once say that only 35% of the entire female population can have an orgasm by penile thrusting alone. This means intercourse without any additional stimulation to the clitoris.

Now, if your girlfriend is one of the lucky 35% who can achieve orgasm this way, and as you say within minutes, then you should put a cape on and call yourself Superman. Strangely though, she says after she achieves orgasm it hurts her to continue. Hurts her how? Does she have an actual medical problem that causes her to have physical pain from intercourse? Is she not wet enough and it hurts? How does it hurt her? There are many medical conditions that can cause pain for a woman during intercourse and orgasm, and I just want to be fair. Because common sense tells me if she is having an orgasm, and within minutes, then she should be feeling less physical pain after that, not more.

If it is true and she is having an orgasm then yes, it is possible for her to lose interest afterwards. That is usually how men are, but women sometimes feel the same way.

We haven't heard her side of the story, but it doesn't sound like she wants to find more intimacy. The possibility that she has totally lost interest, or is seeing someone else, male or female, becomes a stronger possibility to me every time you provide more information. I think everyone appreciates your candor, you have given more information than we could ask for. Yet if she is still unwilling to attend therapy, then really, there is nothing else I can say, except you have to make a decision, and I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds like she wants you to.

If I can give you any advice, it would be that people don't change, unfortunately. And it sounds like you want her to. So if the only way your relationship is going to survive is if she changes, then you should start packing your bags now. I'm not saying you should split up, but I just don't see this going anywhere.

Now take Tal's advice. Grab that fishing pole and take some time out to figure what your next step is going to be. I know you want her to want you, but sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees. Sometimes we have to step back to see things for what they really are.

Best of luck, and please keep us posted.

[linnealand]

If this is how she is after 2 years, can you even imagine what she would be like after 20? We haven't heard her side of the story, but it sounds like she's just shutting down. You're trying to get her to communicate, and it's not happening. I think you might be much better off on your own than having to deal with this all of the time. It must be exhausting for you.

By the way, I think it would be odd for her to lie about achieving orgasm after only a few minutes. Some of us really can have that happen regularly. This is how we get to multiple orgasms in a single session. As for the thing about it hurting, well, I wonder if she really means that she becomes extra sensitive after climaxing? If this is the case, and it's not a medical issue (if it were, I assume it would hurt all the time), then she should just hang on for a minute. That feeling goes away, and then the body prepares itself for the next cycle into orgasm.

It sounds like she's just not that into doing the work required in a mature, fulfilling relationship.

[bgstyle3]

Well I tried to hang on as long as I could and today I had to draw the line. If she can't event look at me when I try to kiss her then I deserve someone who will. We both came to the conclusion that we have reached an impass in our relationship. Im a 24 year old college student and I work full time as well so I really don't need the undue stress. Ill probably have to find a different topic to post in now, lol. "Who gets the dog?" Time to start the apartment hunt and budgeting. Thank you for the advice and maybe (hopfully it won't ever again) come in handy somewhere down the line.

[08_777444]

it sounds like she's just not that into doing the work required in a mature, fulfilling relationship.

Their relationship is not mature or fulfilling, and that is my point. According to him she is not aroused, fulfilled or even interested in sex, yet we are supposed to believe she is achieving orgasm within a few minutes? How is that possible in an immature, non intimate, unfulfilling relationship? My guess is it's not. She's just pacifying him.

Now, many woman absolutely can and do achieve orgasm within minutes, I am not denying that and said I wasn't. I am just saying that it is unlikely that it is happening in this relationship. I would expect to hear this was happening if she was a mature woman who was comfortable with her body, with intimacy, and with having sex. That is not the case here. He deserves better.

[08_777444]

Well I tried to hang on as long as I could and today I had to draw the line. If she can't event look at me when I try to kiss her then I deserve someone who will. We both came to the conclusion that we have reached an impass in our relationship. Im a 24 year old college student and I work full time as well so I really dont need the undue stress. Ill prolly have to find a different topic to post in now, lol. "Who gets the dog?" Time to start the appartment hunt and budgeting. Thank you for the advice and maybe (hopfully it wont ever again) come in handy somewhere down the line.

Wow. What a difference a day can make. Good for you!

Now go get em' tiger.

[bgstyle3]

For a long while she had me convinced that things were always about me, but its obvious when I keep telling her that my needs aren't being met and she says everything I do some how pisses her off and she needs space and time to think. Im not going to walk around on eggshells kissing her every minute of the day trying to contain myself from wanting to show my affection and to be disappointed when its not well received. I seriously could give her a genuine hug and piss her off. I don't need that anymore. The two of us both deserve to be happy, and that's obviously not going to happen together. I kind of put the cart before the horse though, broke it off first then I'm going fishing, lol.

[kp2171]

well, I'm useless to you concerning the OP? since you've resolved it... but just propping you up.

people can make relationships work when there's not complete sexual overlap... but here... you were with the "great girl" who would never have met your needs.

sex isn't all there is about a relationship, but sex isn't just about an orgasm. That she was distant, unaffectionate, unattentive... means she was neglectful AND OK with that.

time to move on.

its going to suck for a time... but you did what was right for you and for her. She was always going to feel "put upon" and you were always going to feel neglected.

I like gary chapmans take on relationships (the Five Love Languages)... he says that you can group commitment into five areas... Acts of Service (doing things for the other person), Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, and Quality Time.

most relationships are the strongest when they can find strength in all areas, as each shows the other partner dedication... and if any one area is extremely lacking, it means the others have to be extremely strong and valued to keep the relationship OK.

for ex... I'm very, very receptive to physical touch. It grounds me. Calms me. Centers me. Its how I'm wired. I also value words of affirmation. I tend to try to act through physical touch and acts of service... meaning I like to be physically close and I try to complete tasks (work on the house, success in business) to make my lover feel good.

why would that ever be a problem?

she responds best to words of affirmation and quality time. When I'm puttering around trying to complete a task, all she wants is me next to her. When I'm next to her wanting my hands on her and her mouth on mine, she still just needs me close sometimes, without the physical touch.

understanding what drives you most can help you evaluate what you need from a lover, and help you understand how you act toward that lover.

its an easy read... an I'm not one to spend lots of time overanalyzing relationships... but it did help me in a time when my mate and I were both thinking the other was distant... we were both present, just showing attention in very different ways.

anyway... props again on your decision. She seems to have had a lot of good things about her, but never would have been on the same planet as you concerning the need for an intimate connection.