[unistudent88]

My boyfriend of one year always seems to be looking at porn! As soon as I walk out the door he's on MY PC in MY house looking at porn! He knows I have issues with my body yet he doesn't seem to worry much about being sensitive to this. I'm not naïve, I know he's going to do it but it seems to me that he's taking the piss by doing it as soon as I leave, on my PC. He knows that I often feel like I'm not attractive enough or good enough in bed, yet rather than reassure me he seems more worried about making himself look better. He's always looking at other girls (not paranoia, he is quite blatant about it). When we 1st got together he kissed another girl in a club when I was there. He even finds it acceptable to have a conversation with her in the street when I'm there. He thinks I'm overreacting. I feel like I'm going mad, help!!

[Choux]

You are so low on self-confidence that you asked and now expect your boyfriend to prop you up emotionally most of the time. This is a recipe for disaster for you. It opens you up to different kinds of abuse whether mild or worse because he knows you will always be there ready to blame yourself for anything that goes unpleasantly in your lives.

Men like to look at porn; it is as simple as that. It has nothing to do with you personally... porn and masturbation is an easy release not complicated by having a partner who may have emotional needs coupled with intercourse.

Perhaps, you are young and still unsure of yourself in life. Do what you can to develop yourself into a mature woman... have a varied life and gain sexual confidence.

Really best wishes to you,

[jmbomm]

You have so many different issues that need answering.

First, like the earlier answer, most guys like porn. But is it really the porn that bothers you, or is it that he's so comfortable with it and you are not? It's very frustrating when both partners are not on the same sexual page, but you do not need to be asking a internet world full of "experts." You need to talk with him about it and explain exactly how his habbit makes you feel. Don't yell or scream or become overly emotional. Plan ahead what you're going to say, and try to think of what he'll say in defense, and think of things to counter that. Focus on what it is that really bothers you.

Now, one thing that you need to do is realize his looking at porn is not a way to spite you. He does not do it just because you aren't comfortable with your body. He does it because he likes it. Now, boyfriend, husband, or lover, I personally feel it is incredibly off color to simply watch porn in front of your significant other, so I can understand what you're feeling there. But again, you need to explain that to him.

I think you make a fallacious (incorrect) argument when you say that rather than sympathizing and supporting you through your insecurities, he focuses on his looks. He may not, like many men, know how to deal with a woman's insecurities. Much like how not all women make good mothers, not all men make good lovers. Some find it very hard to give compliments or the occasional, "You're so beautiful." There could be many reasons, but obviously he doesn't have that, and that may be something else you need to talk with him about (personally, I find this issue to be much greater than his pornographic addiction).

Lastly, though you didn't explicitly say it, if you fear him cheating, you need to talk about it with him, or act. Being complacent and letting your paranoia (because regardless, you seem to have some, and not without some good reason) get the better of you will only make you miserable.

If I were you, besides talking to him about all the things I mentioned, in length until you are sure he understands every single stance and reason you have for feeling hurt the way you do, I would take a step back and evaluate your relationship and yourself. Is the relationship working? Can it be improved, or is his seemingly selfish, apathetic ways going to hinder any more progress. Is he unwilling to change or try to change so that you two can happily coexist?

You have to be beautiful to yourself. Confidence is sexy. Regardless of what you may look like, if you can hold yourself up and KNOW that you're attractive (because you are, no matter what) then you'll see that reflection in other peoples' eyes. It sounds like bull, but it works, and it's the only way you'll start to feel comfortable with yourself, your body, and your sexuality.

Good luck.

[Xrayman]

He's rude and not interested in helping your confidence-dump him.

You hate porn and feel self-concious about yourself-he kissed a girl? He's a friggin nutbag to think that that is "over-reacting" how about kissing and fondling some random guy in his presence, see how that goes down! Lose the loser.

sorry, just telling it like it is-you CAN do better.

[smoothy]

My boyfriend of one year always seems to be looking at porn! as soon as i walk out the door he's on MY pc in MY house looking at porn! he knows i have issues with my body yet he doesn't seem to worry much about being sensitive to this. i'm not naive, i know he's going to do it but it seems to me that he's taking the piss by doing it as soon as i leave, on my pc. he knows that i often feel like i'm not attractive enough or good enough in bed, yet rather than reassure me he seems more worried about making himself look better. he's always looking at other girls (not paranoia, he is quite blatant about it). when we 1st got together he kissed another girl in a club when i was there. he even finds it acceptable to have a conversation with her in the street when i'm there. he thinks i'm overreacting. i feel like i'm going mad, help!!!!!

Well for starters how does he know this girl, and what was their relationship? Its possible he knows her from years back, grew up with her and she's like a sister? What sort of kiss? On the lips or a peck on the cheek, or more like bumping cheeks with no lip contact. That's pretty common in many European countries. We don't know his background to judge that.

We need a little more information there. While it is possible you are jumping to conclusions related to your low self esteme, its possible he might actually have done something wrong.

The porn? Well if your computer is the only one in the house exactly who'se should he use? I assume you are living together. Since you aren't there how do you know how much time he spends looking at porn? For all you know it might only be 5 or 10 minutes. He did wait until you left to do it. Now with that said how would you fell if he was demanding what you did, who you talked to or what you watch on TV when he's not there?

Now please don't take that as me assigning blame to you. I'm not. I just want you to see that there are two sides to an issue and someone that's hypersensitive might see something that's not really there. As to my other question, what sort of kiss did you see? And what is his ethnic background? French, Greek? Italian? Other?

[nicola89]

My boyfriend of one year always seems to be looking at porn! as soon as i walk out the door he's on MY pc in MY house looking at porn! he knows i have issues with my body yet he doesn't seem to worry much about being sensitive to this. i'm not naive, i know he's going to do it but it seems to me that he's taking the piss by doing it as soon as i leave, on my pc. he knows that i often feel like i'm not attractive enough or good enough in bed, yet rather than reassure me he seems more worried about making himself look better. he's always looking at other girls (not paranoia, he is quite blatant about it). when we 1st got together he kissed another girl in a club when i was there. he even finds it acceptable to have a conversation with her in the street when i'm there. he thinks i'm overreacting. i feel like i'm going mad, help!!!!!

I think you should build you self confidance and give him a taste off his own medicene. Or you could watch it with him

[canuckdude]

If you can't love yourself, how do you expect anyone else to?

[450donn]

First of all, I think you have gotten a bunch of bad advise. He has issues with porn addiction. You do not like it. He feels that he has to degrade you in public. This is a hugh disaster waiting to happen. And the sooner the better, dump his worthless A## as fast as you can. Change the locks on your doors, change your phone number, do what ever is necessary to rid yourself of this worthless heap of trash. Sorry, I have no patience for people that are addicted to pron and that do not want to be free of the addiction. And you should not have to put up with this abusive behavior either.

[BMI]

WOW!

I don't think anyone here is qualified to make such outlandish statements as some of the ones I've read. Dump him, he's a porn addict, you have real serious internal problems, etc.

I would ask most that if this meant their partner would they be so quick to the trigger, doubt it very much.

My take is that porn will always entice men, connecting it to you and yourself esteem is dangerous. Your assuming he looks at it because YOU feel the girls are more attractive. Lots of guys have really attractive girls and still look at porn constantly (I'm sure you fall into that category of attractive girls).

Also, this kissing thing. Seems to me that you were present and did not make much of an objection at the time. Let boys get away with things and they will strectch the boundaries, just like this porn thing. I do think it inappropraite for him to endulge this past-time on your computer in your house. Tell him your objection to him doing it near you, leave why he does it alone.

[alexisk907]

I don't think your overreacting at all. Maybe the two of you are just not right for each other. You said that he cheated on you earlier in the relationship - you have reason to be worried. As for the porn, weather it is your PC, his PC, his brothers PC, it doesn't matter. If you are uncomfortable with him looking at porn, and if he loves you like he says, he should respect your wishes. I personally will not date a guy that looks at porn. Is that selfish? No. Its my opinion. I let them know from the beginning that porn is a problem for me. I don't like it. If you love me, you don't need somebody else to get you off. Men are visual people, yeah. Well, take some pictures of yourself and there you go. If you are looking at porn together, and you both agree, or if he's looking at it by himself and you don't mind, different story. But since he knows you don't like it he should respect you no matter what.

I have been in a committed relationship now for almost two years. He doesn't look at porn, he used to. Now that we are together he doesn't even feel the need to look at porn. I'm not selfish, if he wants to look at porn, that's fine. I'm not going to control him. He just needs to leave me first, because that is considered cheating to me.

If you let him know that you don't like it and he still can't respect you as somebody that he loves, then he's not the right one for you.

[alexisk907]

And because your worried and you don't like porn, does NOT always mean the person has low self confidence, like other posters have said. Its just something you don't like.

I agree that a lot of people who have this opinion may have low self confidence, which is stemming from why they are nervous/worried about their significant other looking at porn. For others, like me, I just don't like it. :)

[BMI]

450Donn - Are you serious?? This is an abusive relationship? Understand that you can deem almost any relationship as abusive depending on the perspective.

You and others cannot just dole out advice based on the limited information she has given, especially when your advice is for her to LEAVE!

Are many of you suggesting that there are no alternatives to leaving this guy? Don't even talk to him about it because he is not for you seems to be the prevalent opinion here. This I take issue at.

Finally, please point out the abuse. As stated before, SHE was present at the club, on the street, it is HER house, he's taking what she is allowing him to take, certainly not abuse.

[smoothy]

450Donn - Are you serious??? This is an abusive relationship? Understand that you can deem almost any relationship as abusive depending on the perspective.

You and others cannot just dole out advice based on the limited information she has given, especially when your advice is for her to LEAVE!

Are many of you suggesting that there are no alternatives to leaving this guy? Don't even talk to him about it because he is not for you seems to be the prevalent opinion here. This I take issue at.

Finally, please point out the abuse. As stated before, SHE was present at the club, on the street, it is HER house, he's taking wht she is allowing him to take, certainly not abuse.

The fact is we DID ask her to clarify which she has not done. Therefore we have to offer advice based on what information she DID provide. Like it or not. There might be very good reason for what he did. Until she clarifies we can't assume its his fault automatically... nor can we assume its hers either.

[skittles001]

Wow lets all calm down. I too feel the same way about my boyfriend looking at porn. He has before, and yeah I caught him. But because he loves me and sees that I obviously have a problem wit it and myself, he chose to stop. If you are able to , sit him down to have a serious conversation with him, don't go fondle some other guy, tat won't help the fact of what he is doing. A lot of en do this, you said he does t when your not home right. Well maybe its because you ar not there to please his eyes. If he's not draggin out the magazine and lube in front of you, don't think its to serious, yes it may seem insensitive, but I really believe he doesn't see it this way. I say he thinks your beautiful, you know men, hehe always want eye candy, and remember he IS with you, not them, and at the end of the day, when you go to sleep YOU are in his arms. Not them, be happy and live life to the fullest. We are women, and we are strong, remember that. I hope you feel better soon.

[achampio21]

My husband looks at porn ALL THE TIME! And we have a VERY healthy sexual relationship. I am attractive(though I too fall into that jealous trap when I catch a glimpse of those pretty porn stars)

Let me help you with a mind thing. You don't feel attractive, at least compared to the picture perfect girls on the web or in mags or whatever.

I always remind myself that those girls are getting, um, having sex with many many partners many many times a day and/or week. (Imagine what that has done to their elasticity) A lot of them have fake breasts and have work done on a regular basis to look as good as they do. And the biggy HE WILL NEVER GET TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM!!

So who cares if you don't look as good as them, you are real and you are with him. You need to put your foot down (softly and gently) about a few things in your relationship because I am confident that you let him "get away" with some things you don't like because you think he will love you more. Truth is, guys need you to tell them, because they really don't think about things like we do.

Good luck. And if you two don't work out, someone will come along that is perfect for you.

[450donn]

"i know he's going to do it but it seems to me that he's taking the piss by doing it as soon as i leave, on my pc. he knows that i often feel like i'm not attractive enough or good enough in bed, yet rather than reassure me he seems more worried about making himself look better."

And you do not see this as abusive behavior? Sorry, I do. He may not be hitting her, but the way he is acting toward her flirting with other women in front of her and in general putting her down, is abuse in my book.

[smoothy]

"i know he's going to do it but it seems to me that he's taking the piss by doing it as soon as i leave, on my pc. he knows that i often feel like i'm not attractive enough or good enough in bed, yet rather than reassure me he seems more worried about making himself look better."

And you do not see this as abusive behavior? Sorry, I do. He may not be hitting her, but the way he is acting toward her flirting with other women in front of her and in general putting her down, is abuse in my book.

Have you ever been around other cultures... such as some European, and certain Middle eastern ones?

They can be very affectionate and friendly by some peoples standards... and what some paranoid people might consider a kiss is really a cheek bump which is part of a typical greeting which can be a single cheek bump or one on each side.

The OP never clarified our questions to know for sure.