[Ash123]

When we are in love we often give meaning to things that may have no meaning at all.

She wants to be friends, and feel no guilt about loving her ex still. If you are cool with that you are all set. If you are not, protect yourself.

[tabbarat]

Good advice.. a huge part is me accepting that I might not get her back, and have to determine how much I can handle... the truth is I am fine without her... like I can eat, sleep, drink, go out wit friends :).. BUT I really do miss her and still really like her.. and when I see her, there is still smthg for sure... so I know that I can handle not getting her back, but still going to try

So I'm thinking of calling her tonight or tmrw, just to have a nice conversation, see how she is, let her know I am there for her (considering that I haven't called her in 2 weeks, she called me a week ago, and when she saw me 2 days ago, we didn't have much of a conversation)

Then of course I go NC for another week or till next weekend when we see what her next move is

Called her about one hour ago... had one of the best conversations we ever had.. very interesting, funny, comfortable, flirty ;)... we both agreed that next time we see each other we wouldn't make it uncomfortable/awkward like 2 nights ago... the conversation lasted about one hour... she tried explaining how stressed she was and what she was going through.. I told her its OK, the past is the past, hope your OK now, etc..

I ended the conversation by saying going out for dinner, keep in touch and take care, have a good day tmrw

Point: finally had a nice decent conversation since the break up... re-established that we can be good together (the conversation, the flirting, the laughing, etc) and it felt like smthg was rekindled.. can't explain it, but it was just one of those convos that click

Am I out of the woods? Of course not! Still early? Yes! Am I expecting anything? No! But was it a good step to getting her back? Hell yes!

Now I'm going back to giving space and time... let her choose when to do the next move

Like I say, mix it up.. friendly, but flirtatious... space, but once in a while come back in the pic... this will get your girlfriend back (if you want her back); not total distance and then hoping she comes back

Regards

[Ash123]

"This will get ur gf back (if u want her back); not total distance and then hoping she comes back..."

Maybe... But you can't control her. I know you feel like it's possible. But it may not be.
I am glad you all chatted and it made you feel better. I just hope you find peace from here. And since you are a new relationship maybe worth a try.

Just so you know, your odds are not high. She is likely aware of the subtle attempt at manipulation.

I know a lot of 'tricks' for getting women, and getting them back... but when searching for a REAL relationship, the less games the better in the long run.

[Mom of 2]

You stated that you are not expecting anything, but I don't think that you are being totally truthful. I feel that you are expecting to get back together based on your last conversation. Yes, this conversation may have gone well, but remember that she has a LONG past history of constantly going back to her ex. She is sooo confused. What is to stop her from going back to him again and again every time that she is confused? You may want her back, but are you willing to have to go through this time and time again? Those are questions that you need to ask yourself.

[liz28]

If your going be her friend be her friends but don't be her friend expecting you can be more than that. It seems like you want to seem like your over her but your really not. If the best plan can fold so be careful with your intentions and know things don't always go as you plan.

[tabbarat]

U guys are right... it is risky... I of course want her back, but not thinking far ahead about what happens if she goes back to her ex sometime down the line... that is why I have decided to try to get her back, but on my own terms... if things work out, I will definitely have to sit and have a talk with her about her boyfriend situation

But for now, I'm enjoying talking to her and seeing her again from time to time and seeing where that takes us

Last night in our phone conversation, she told me she was feeling sick.. so I MESSAGED her today asking how she is.. she CALLED me and we ended up having a 30 minute conversation that was also nice and flirtatious...

[theEMOgrlYOUluv]

I think it is best to back off because even if you fight to win her back her heart sounds like it is with him and you are better off letting them get back together than to get her back and her always wondering what she is feeling. So stay backed off until things play out however they are going to go.

I agree! You never know if she will move back their and tell him about you so just stay away! Sorry man!:(

[Matteus]

u make sense....but i know that she only contacted him again bc of the pressure at work..

It sounds contradictory, doesn't it? She told you "she called him bc of pressure at work" and than she told you "She likes you, but she loves him". The lady doesn't seem confused. She feels guilty. Some people just can't take guiltyness, and tend to act like at least they are not lying to you or keeping something secret (and than, after some contacts: Im sorry, but you know, its not you... its me), but they are going their way, and this is just the first step. She didn't just woke up from the bed and said, OK, I'm going to call my exbf today, or why do I feel so confused today?. She was thinking about that long time ago, and in the meantime saying sweet words to you. Im not saying she is bad or evil, she is just human. She knows its wrong to do something like that to a caring, bla bla bla, person like you, and that makes her feel bad for you, but she already made up her mind. Its not because she already had enough of you! She didn't had enough of him!

and on some level i can understand why she would feel comfortable talking to her ex of 10 yrs..i mean i do only know her for 4 months...but the point is, just because he met her first, doesnt mean that i wont lover her the same or more than he did..besides they live in different countries...even though she still loves him, she just has to realize that he is the past, and i am the present and future....but i dont think fighting for her would help..it would be added pressure on her...i should give her space and let her realize it herself (hopefully)....

Pressure, realize, space, etc... its not the case. You have to pressure yourself to realize that you need space! I haven't see any good from any kind of situation like this.

lostinhiseyes: but why did she come to the same place i was in? she could have easily went somewhere else, or told her friends to go somewhere else..

Did you put some note on the front door with "DO NOT ENTER, IM HERE! GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!"? Come on.

would she really just come all the way there to show me she is going out? anyway, her ex of 10 yrs doesnt live in dubai with us

why the drinks and note? why start smthg?

anyway, i learned not to expect anything..i took it easy and was normal about it...giving it another couple of days and we'll see..

Good for you. Learn to not expect anything! Because if something is going to happen, it will happen. If you keep thinking "what, why, when, what if", you will have to deal with the conseguences. A big and long-time headache. Expecting may be delusive, because it may not be what you want it to be.

[Chery]

You keep on telling us that you will give her space and that you have learned not to expect anything, but you still dwell on your idea of how she should lead her life now. She might just want to be out socializing with others and have a good time BECAUSE she's in another country... but wishing she were there with him. That's human too, and you have to accept this if it's in fact how she really thinks. You cannot read another persons mind - or change it for that matter - it's a two-way street which is only controlled by each individual and how they perceive their goals in life.

And IF you two get together - you will have not right whatsoever to 'have a talk' about her ex with her, unless she completely give him up for you and is wearing your wedding ring. And, not even that give any one of us a right to determine who someone talks to - we don't own anyone, ever.

We share chapters in life with others, give and take, learn and trust. These lead to happiness, and should not start with or lead to stress and accusations - that's not love, it's selfishness.

You can continue this 'chase' but to me, it sounds like it's taking a strain on you and you should be spending time finding warmth and happiness and not building a relationship on past or present problems that you think you might be able to 'straighten' out in due time - she might have something to say about that too.

Take a look in the mirror and ask what exactly is it that you are expecting from yourself - for yourself, then you can see what you can expect from others...

Is there something in your life that you have to prove? And to whom?

[tabbarat]

Whoa! What is this gang up on tabbarat day?

1) u keep on saying what am I doing and making me seem like the bad person... first of all, when she told me she was talking to her ex again and realized she still loved him, I bowed out and told her I wish you the best and want you to be happy even if its not with me... I didn't contact her for more than a week... SHE called me first... then I proceeded to invite her FRIEND... but SHE came... I MESSAGED her last night to check on her, SHE CALLED me...

Its true I want her back, its true I miss her and still like her... but at this point, it takes 2 to tango.. I know she is probably confused.. I know she still likes and I may be taking advantage of it.. but why am I a bad person? She can easily not call or see me, etc.. she has control as well... just because I'm trying to get her back doesn't make me a bad person.. just makes me someone who is willing to fight for love

2) of course she probably wasn't FULLY over him while she was with me (I mean 10yrs is a long time, and I met her only 2 months after her break up with him)... but it was working out the 4 mnths we were together... she would tell HIM to move on and she fell for me, etc... what TRIGGERED her to call him was the pressure at work... like I said, sometimes I still call my ex of 5 yrs when I need someone to talk to...

So sorry, matteus, but its not all guilt... no one is forcing her to call me and want to stay in touch with me.. she could have easily cut the converstion short after 10 minutes instead of wanting to stay longer on the phone with me when I said I had to go! That's right, folks... last night I said I had to go, she didn't want me to hang up

3) of course I didn't put a sign telling her don't come to the same place as me.. but don't be so naïve, matteus... if I wanted to avoid someone or thought seeing her would make me uncomfortable, I wouldn't go! Simple! Been there, done that to girls I didn't want to see anymore

4) your right, though.. not expecting anything.. its safer like that... right now, I still really like her and want her back... but honestly, if we end up staying friends its fine by me... I like single life as well...

I know she really likes me too, but is confused about what to do... thats why I'm giving space as well.. if she puts some effort, I'm going to give effort as well... she calls, I call... if she cuts me out, then I'll cut her out

But sorry guys, not going to cut her out if I fel I can still get her back

In fact, why doesn't her stupid boyfriend give up! I mean he should realize she moved... she met someone else and fell for him... she moved on.. she rejected his marriage proposal.. maybe he should consider giving space as well

Regards

[Matteus]

whoa! what is this gang up on tabbarat day??

1) u keep on saying what am i doing and making me seem like the bad person....first of all, when she told me she was talking to her ex again and realized she still loved him, i bowed out and told her i wish u the best and want u to be happy even if its not with me...i didnt contact her for more than a week...SHE called me first...then i proceeded to invite her FRIEND...but SHE came...i MESSAGED her last night to check on her, SHE CALLED me...

Friendly reactions. My ex messaged me, 3 months later after the last contact. And I replied in a friendly mode. She even asked me for a favor, 1 year after the breakup. And I helped her. I wasn't expecting anything! For me, she is nothing more but just a friend now. No heart feelings, nothing, nada. I do not miss her! I miss what she was before, as she was my girlfriend.

Buddy, if she is willing to stay, she doesn't have to call or message you! She runs for you! Calling and message are "the power of old behavior". It happened to me. For 2 months long, since the breakup, we used to write to each other, first every week, than every 2 weeks, and than... every 3 months, or more.

its true i want her back, its true i miss her and still like her...but at this point, it takes 2 to tango..i know she is probably confused..i know she still likes and i may be taking advantage of it..but why am i a bad person? she can easily not call or see me, etc..she has control as well...just bc im trying to get her back doesnt make me a bad person..just makes me someone who is willing to fight for love

Is that called love? I name it Need. And in this situation, need is indeed selfiness, just because you already know everything what happened, you know her wishes, and still go opposite of her thoughts and do not respect her actions. She is the one who said she loves him. She is the one who wants to go. And you are not willing to give up. Call it whatever you want. As you said, it needs two to tango. But does it seem like this is the case? Cause she is not willing to dance.

2) of course she probably wasnt FULLY over him while she was with me (i mean 10yrs is a long time, and i met her only 2 months after her break up with him)...but it was working out the 4 mnths we were together...

Rebound relations aren't real. So don't keep lying to yourself and stop telling yourself it was working!

she would tell HIM to move on and she fell for me, etc...what TRIGGERED her to call him was the pressure at work...like i said, sometimes i still call my ex of 5 yrs when i need someone to talk to...

You call someone, when you need someone to talk. We all do, may it be an ex, or an old friend, doesn't matter. But after that, you don't tell your current partner "im sorry, i like you, but i love her".

so sorry, matteus, but its not all guilt...no one is forcing her to call me and want to stay in touch with me..she could have easily cut the converstion short after 10 minutes instead of wanting to stay longer on the phone with me when i said i had to go! thats right, folks...last night i said i had to go, she didnt want me to hang up

That may be something. a passing time, or a "i miss you, dont hang up", or whatever. But believe me when I say. When you want someone, you go out of your way! Just do not expect anything. Let her mind work toward you. Do not keep thinking on "what if, why did she, etc". It brought me nothing good!

3) of course i didnt put a sign telling her dont come to the same place as me..but dont be so naive, matteus...if i wanted to avoid someone or thought seeing her would make me uncomfortable, i wouldnt go! simple! been there, done that to girls i didnt want to see anymore

How could have she known you were there??

but sorry guys, not gonna cut her out if i fel i can still get her back

You want someone back, who doesn't seem like is wanting to come back!

in fact, why doesnt her stupid bf give up! i mean he should realize she moved...she met someone else and fell for him...she moved on..she rejected his marriage proposal..maybe he should consider giving space as well

She didn't moved on, as the situation explains.

Regards too

[tabbarat]

I'm a bit busy at work now, but will be sure to reply to your post point for point later on...

But smthg that caught my eye and must answer quickly.. u asked how was she to know I was at the place when she came...

If you read back, you can see that I invited her FRIEND telling her to come join me if she wants in this restaurant.. I was with some friends playing cards and eating... 1 hr later, her friend AND my ex come.. and when I don't go sit with them, they send me a note and some drinks to the table

Ttyl, take care

[liz28]

I don't think anyone is calling you a bad person but only giving you their advice.

You stated her ex should back off but you never know what she is telling her ex. She could be telling both of your something different and there are two sides to every story. Again, the pressure from work didn't make her contact her ex, mostly likely she was always in contact with him. Otherwise, your would still be together. Also, if that's the case who to say when she will felt more pressure it that right to link back with her ex? In the end it is up to you what you do but mostly everyone is warning you of an outcome that might not be what you planned. Again, you can expect much from someone that isn't over their ex.

[talaniman]

She has you in the friendzone, and that's where you'll stay as long as the ex is still in the picture. I venture to say, just because she has been honest with telling you how she feels about the ex, and her breaking up with you, that's reason enough to leave her alone, and all of your thoughts, and actions, are based on false hope, and the fact she is still keeping you around.

Lets face it, she does a little, and you see her changing her mind, and coming back to you. Sorry to say that doesn't sound like love, bur denial. Your not fighting to get her back, your proving she doesn't need you in a relationship, to keep you around. She can never miss you that way.

[tabbarat]

1) make up your minds! Am I trying to keep her around because I am in "denial" or is she keeping me around in the "friendzone"?!

The truth is, and to her admission last night, she still likes me, and is confused.. she also said that she didn't tell her ex about me (wants to keep us both separate)... true she loves him, but she hasn't seen him in 9 months! And then she met me, and fell for me (also said that yesterday)

I can agree with you guys on one thing.. as long as the ex is in the picture, we can never be a relationship again... so then there are 3 possibilities: we either stay only friends, or I become an affair, or she decides that she only turned to him in a moment of pressure, and realizes that she doesn't want a long distance (back to where she was when she rejected his marriage proposal) and then come back

2) I'm not saying she wants me back now! I'm not turning a call and a message into her running after me! I'm not 10yrs old! All I'm saying it is a first step... if she wanted a clean break she could have easily done it and avoided me

When I broke up with girls, I wouldn't answer their calls later, I would not message, and of course not go to where I knew they would be!

The girl is confused,, she still likes me... what she is going to do about it is the question and depends on how I play it... SORRY, BUT U GUYS DID NOT HEAR THE 2 LONG CONVOS WE HAD, AND DID NOT SEE HER REACTIONS WHEN SHE WAS WITH ME... its easy to look from the sidelines and judge.. so cut me some freakin slack

The flirting on the phone is "friendzone'? Hmmm... when I want to keep girsl in the friendzone I don't flirt back to them and tell them no please stay on the phone, don't go

ALL IM SAYING, IS THAT SHE STILL HAS FEELINGS AND IS CONFUSED (to her admission)... YES SHE LOVES HER EX, BUT IS CONFUSED ABOUT IF SHE MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE... I WANT HER BACK KNOWING THIS... SO I GIVE HER SPACE TO WORK OUT HER MIND, BUT ONCE IN A WHILE FLIRT TO KEEP US OUT OF THE FRIENDZONE...

That's what I'm doing... and as long as she has feelings, I'm going to act... she calls, I call... she doesn't call, I don't call... not forcing anything, and not denying, etc.

We'll see how it plays out... if she comes back good, if not, good too.. then I'll stop trying

[liz28]

First you need to reread the rules for rating answers and don't disagree just because of your emotions. When I stated she might be telling you and her ex two different things that didn't imply whether she told him about you or not. I also find it odd that she didn't tell him about you. Anyway from this point on I won't comment on this post any longer.

[tabbarat]

Sorry about the rating.. im new to this.. I didn't see any rules:)

If you don't want to comment anymore, I can rspect that.. thanks for your posts so far, though

Just a last question.. why is it odd she didn't tell him about me?

[talaniman]

I guess this is a case of learning your own lessons first hand. The advice you have been given is only our opinion, and by rule, deserves no disagreement rating, unless it is dangerous, or false in facts.

Don't take it so personal.

[Matteus]

she told me she didnt tell her ex about me

Why she didn't? Ask yourself. In my opinion, she didn't told him anything about you, just because she felt like hurting him, and making him feel bad. She was not ready to tell him. But she will do it. And you know why? To provoke a jealosy reaction from him. If she wanted just friends with him, its nothing wrong to tell a friend you have a boyfriend/girlfriend.

sorry about the rating..im new to this..i didnt see any rules:)

if u dont want to comment anymore, i can rspect that..thanks for ur posts so far, though

just a last question..why is it odd she didnt tell him about me?

Why she didn't? Ask yourself. In my opinion, she didn't told him anything about you, just because she felt like hurting him, and making him feel bad. She was not ready to tell him. But she will do it. And you know why? To provoke a jealosy reaction from him. If she wanted just friends with him, its nothing wrong to tell a friend you have a boyfriend/girlfriend.

2) im not saying she wants me back now! im not turning a call and a message into her running after me! im not 10yrs old!? all im saying it is a first step...if she wanted a clean break she could have easily done it and avoided me

Why she should avoid you? We usually avoid someone who made some bad to us. You didn't.

[0rphan]

I think you have to leave it, she could have stayed with you but chose to go back to her man of 10 years, there is lots of history there and I don't think you will ever win her over.

Like and love are miles apart.