[Jebe]

I'm a 31 year old woman. I fell in love only one time in my life. It was ten years ago and the relationhip lasted only three months. The relationship ended when the guy told me that he had never really loved me and that I couldn't see that there had been numerous endings for us. I fell into a deep depression and had suicidal thoughts that for about a year. Eventually I came out of it enough to function on a daily basis. But ever since that incident, I've never been the same. Every year at the same time of year that he dumped me, the depression hits me hard. I can do nothing but think of him and what I lost. I feel as though he took the real me with him when he left and I can't get me back. The thing is that I'm married now... I've been married for 6 years to a decent guy. My question is this: why can't I get over that break up? Why do I feel like I've never been the same since then? Any answers or advice would be greatly appreciated.

[mimi03]

It sounds like you are holding on to a fantasy.
The fantasy being the perception of this past relationship or the person you felt you were during that relationship.

You say... "I can do nothing but think of him and what I lost. I feel as though he took the real me with him when he left and I can't get me back."

Really think about what you lost: Someone who didn't love you.
So why are you mourning the loss of someone who wasn't a good fit for you?

And who were you then?
Can you be that person or carry those traits without him in your life? *Yes, You can!*

You have to build yourself worth... You were someone before him and can be someone without him.

Focus on the marriage you're in and leave these thoughts behind in the past where he left you. Surely he has moved on and you've made some effort but You are basically holding yourself hostage. You can't live to your full potential, You can't love at your greatest potential until you stop this self sabotage.

[JBeaucaire]

You need to practice having some HONEST conversations with yourself when these feelings crop up:

YOU: It's that time of year again, I'm so sad.
YOU: "What are you sad about?"
YOU: Johnny, I'm missing Johnny again.
YOU: "Who exactly was Johnny, remind me...?"
YOU: The boy I loved for a few months 10 years ago.
YOU: "Oh yes, he was a nice boy. He didn't like you, though, did he."
YOU: No, and that makes me sad. I loved him.
YOU: "But you only knew each other a few months. You don't REALLY know how things would have worked, and in a way, they DID work out correctly. He didn't like you and you two moved on. Isn't that good?
YOU: But we might've been so happy together.
YOU: "How so?"
YOU: You know, if we'd been together longer and he'd loved me back.
YOU: "You think having someone love you back and staying with you and being your faithful love, that would've been he 'real thing' for you?"
YOU: YES, exactly!
YOU: "Isn't that what your husband HAS done?"
YOU: Um...yes, but...
YOU: "Yes....?"
YOU: Oh....OH! I see. Guess I didn't think of that.
YOU: "(hug) That's OK. fantasies ALWAYS are perfect. That's what make them fantasies. But your fantasies are supposed to be a relaxing mental exercise. They aren't supposed to make you sad. What's THAT about? And they most certainly aren't supposed to undermine the love and real commitment of a man who is fighting the good fight for you today, slaying the dragons and keeping the castle for you."
YOU: Yes, I understand. (sigh) But I really DID love him so much.
YOU: "And you always will. Now bring the power of that love and every other thing you've loved into your true permanent relationship with your husband. THAT'S a mature woman. And you are doing fine."

[Jebe]

Thank you for taking the time to offer your advice. Maybe I should give a little more info and you can help me further? My mom who was a single parent died when I was 15. My father has wanted nothing to do with me since birth. When the guy broke up with me his father (who is a psychologist) told him to tell me that I wasn't sad over the breakup-that I was actually sad about my mom. But I grieved for my mother... I still do. I don't see any connection between the two issues. And I know that my nervous breakdown wasn't really about the guy... if I met him now I would know he wasn't right for me. I think what made me so depressed is that when I was in that relationship is that for once in my life I was happy. I looked forward to getting up in the morning and being sociable. For once I was living and not hiding. It's like I tied the hope of a happy life to him. What do I do to get my smile back? What do I do to be able to laugh and enjoy anything again?

[brkfstatiffs]

I know remotely how you feel. I recently went through a breakup with a guy of three months but I really thought it could have went on forever (well if I could have had my wishes)... it was that amazing feeling. But you have to come to realize that sometimes we are put in certain situations to learn from them, to make us stronger. It obviously wasn't meant to be for one reason or another or else it would have worked out. I would try opening up to your husband about it. After all he should be there for better or worse... if that doesn't help maybe talk to a professional, ten years is a long time to hang onto the pain - life is too short! :) Another way you may want to cope with it, is every time that time of year comes around go away with your girlfriends to somewhere fun on a vacation, it will make you stronger and realize how many wonderful people and places there are in the world.

[JBeaucaire]

The weird things your old boyfriend's dad told you, that's just manipulative BS. Say that out loud, forgive him for it, and forget it. He was trying to help his son, that's all. Let it go.

Happiness truly is a perspective, it's not an experience. People so often go "looking" for happiness or (as you've said) tie it to some other external thing like a person or a situation.

But that's not happiness. Happiness is a personal world-view. It's something you have from within, and when it's properly motivated FROM within, not from any external force like a person, even a wonderful mate, then happiness can reawaken each day on its own regardless of what's going on in your life.

So, the smile you're looking for is already in you, the laughter WANTS to come out and be free. It doesn't need anything outside you to call it out, like a man, it only needs you to relax your grip on it and let it be OK to come out.

Enjoying living, for me, comes from accomplishing, not acquiring. That includes people. It's a happiness to give love and BE loving, getting it back is just icing on the cake. When you ARE loving to other people, whether they are deserving or not, it is a reward to itself.

Your life is here, now, today. You have a husband and path in front of you. What are you going to do today to make someone's life better? Doing that will bring a smile to your face.

I promise.

For instance - not thinking twice about buying a meal for a down and out person... or even just paying for the guy behind you in the drive-thru line. I do that all the time, just to make someone's day... including the cashier!

[talaniman]

I still have my fantasies too, of love lost. My exes' come back to haunt me every now and then, after more than 30 something years, but my life is to full to even remember certain dates on a calender, or what they use to look like.

Was he an the only guy you were with? Did he take your virginity??? Did you date any one else???

You must have had some really high expectations back then, to keep reliving that memory after so long, and generally people who do have unresolved issues, and have failed to fulfill their own happiness, and can at least blame it on someone else.

None of which is healthy. Maybe you didn't have the coping skills, or the support system you needed, but for whatever reason, you need now to put things in a better perspective, and let the past go.

I bet your emotional any way, am I right?? Don't you have a happy marriage?

[Jebe]

Thanks for all the input, everyone. I do honestly appreciate it. I've talked to friends over the past couple days about this issue and it's really helped me come out of that funk I was in. I've come to the conclusion that it's okay to feel something painful even if it's an old wound. There are no rules on how I should feel or for how long I should feel it. After all those hurt feelings didn't come to stay, they came to pass. I don't know if I'll find happiness and fulfillment in this life and that's actually okay with me. Sometimes making happiness one's goal puts a lot of pressure on a person. But I am going to stop placing blame for my unhappiness on circumstances and other people. I'm going to aim for being present in the moment and being grateful for what I have.

[JBeaucaire]

Bingo! Wow, excellent stuff, Jebe! A lot of mature wisdom there. And if you don't mind, I'm going to steal those lines:

"It's OK to feel something painful, even if it's an old wound. There are no rules on how I should feel or for how long I should feel it. The hurt feelings didn't come to stay, they came to pass..."

Powerful stuff! I'll make sure others benefit from that quote by passing it on. Good for you.

[N0help4u]

Also recognize that for some reason you are attaching your need for happiness to this guy because it was the time in your life you were happiest. You need to analyze what can make you happy here and now. Being co-dependent on some past relationship is ONLY holding you back. Find some interests and hobbies, plan things with your husband that you can enjoy and have happy memories with him too. Often we tend to romanticize things and you were putting all your dreams in this guy which may not have been at all right for you.

[Jebe]

I'm so glad I found this site and asked my question. I feel like I've gained some clarity and a more realistic view of what's really going on in my life. I'm so grateful that I can see that this issue is about me in the present and not him in the past. It's such a relief to know that things can change if I make the effort.

[JBeaucaire]

I'm so glad I found this site and asked my question. I feel like I've gained some clarity and a more realistic view of what's really going on in my life. I'm so grateful that I can see that this issue is about me in the present and not him in the past. It's such a relief to know that things can change if I make the effort.

Holy cow... some people post here and get 50 responses and they still don't realize the things you have. My goodness you are a good student!

Life is indeed what we make of it and how WE choose to look at things. I'm amazed at easily we forfeit our own peace of mind by thinking someone/something else is in control of things WE are actually in control of.

Again, well done!

[Jebe]

Thanks, JBeaucaire, for the answers AND the encouragement. :)

[JBeaucaire]

(oriental accent) "You are most welcome, grasshopper."


(wonders how many people will get that reference)