[treehugger]

Why are relationships so confusing? My ex and I broke up a few months ago, he cheated on me. We had a good relationship, obviously not perfect. We were lacking on having fully open communication which I can't help but think contributed to the end. After we split up I found it to be easiest for me to not have any contact with him. This was working; I stopped crying every day and began to move on. Then he shows up at my door, after riding his bike 6 hours, to talk. We both know that we can not be together because there is no trust but we decided to be friends, or at least open the lines of communication. This was good. We talked occasionally and even hung out once. I was thinking that maybe we could become good friends even though there were those moments that I wished we were still together. Now I don't know. I have recently been missing him a lot. I am so confused. My mind knows we shouldn’t be together but my heart wants to be with him. Please give me any advice you may have.

[DaBaAd]

Learn from this one relationship and move on. Everything, including relationships, happen for a reason even though they may not end up as we wish. You'll have many more to work on before you eventually find the one that will be a reciprocal for you. Live and continue on your path.

[treehugger]

Thank you for the advice. What do you suggest in regards to remaining in contact with him?

[DaBaAd]

Don't go out of your way to keep in touch. Casual communication will fade over time and hurt feelings will be kept at a minimum. Be a stronger person and it will show him that you enjoyed what you had but had to move on. In other words, being friends should not imply being lovers.

[perplexed1]

I feel like maybe you missing him may be two things. I'm sure you had feelings for him and that's never easy to let go of, and it might also be loneliness in general. He was your last point of reference so that's the last thing you have to look back at. If you were better off not talking to him, then don't initiate conversations with him. If he wants to talk, then I would say it's fine, but unless you have a legit reason to start conversation with him, then I wouldn't. Just my 2 cents.

[JBeaucaire]

Remember what you mean when you say "you miss him" is "you miss the great relationship you were having BEFORE he cheated on you." You aren't missing who he is or what he DID to betray you, you are only missing the good parts.

But getting him back means you've decided to be OK with the bad stuff he does, too. Are you OK with his ways? ALL of them? I bet you're not.

So, staying in contact with him is just a chance for him to not feel so bad about what he did. I definitely think you should forgive him, but never forget. And no need to go out of your way to make place in your life for someone who doesn't enhance your life. There's lots of others who WILL.

[perplexed1]

I was cheated on twice, but after about six months I've resumed talking with my ex on and off. It's very cut and dry though. I'm only doing it so as not to create a serious rift in our group of friends... when I go back to school I have no reason to talk to her. I went through a period where I thought of her a ton, but now I've realized that I miss what I had with her, I don't miss her (sounds mean and harsh but that's how I feel) and since she was my first serious relationship, she's the only point of reference I've got. Hang tough, You'll be fine.

[LostInHisEyez]

Me and my boyfriend broke up and decided to hang out. Ended up going out again. I guess you find what you want again in the same person or whatnot. Just be his friend. It doesn't hurt to gain a friend. And if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. What's the worst that could happen. You're single, and you know that you don't want to get hurt anymore. Move on! Have fun, and just relax. The right guy could be him, or someone even better. Hope I helped.

[talaniman]

What do you suggest in regards to remaining in contact with him?

Staying in touch with an ex makes healing harder, and keeps those feelings alive.

Staying in touch with a cheater makes no sense, and condones their behavior, and makes you look... (?? )... not all that concerned with yourself respect.

[treehugger]

Thank you all for your advice… it has helped. Each post made me think. I have decided to not go out of my way to remain in contact with him. If he contacts me or we run into each other we'll talk. This is hard during those times when I really miss him but I think right now it is for the best. Maybe we'll be friends one day, maybe not.

[chuff]

Cheating is the worst mistake in a relationship because it's deliberate. Now you can blame yourself and maybe you were even wrong on some issues, those are the things you need to change. But cheating crosses the line and that was his mistake. But every time you keep seeing him, all the old memories are going to pop up. It's up to you, not him, to protect your feelings and the way to do it is through not having contact.

[jrsg]

Yeah, cheating ruins any relationship, I think that it is up to you whether you want to trust him again.