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 Originally Posted by starbuck8
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I think it's a few pages back WG. He said he would marry the first girl he found that actually enjoyed golf. I told him I would be waiting at the 18th hole in something slightly off-white, haha!
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Are we all invited to the wedding?
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Haha. The perfect wedding on the 18th hole... both starby and westy wearing something off white.
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Well of course! The next hole is #19... lots of cocktails there! ;)
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With my luck someone would forget to call... FOUR!! LOL!
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Why would I be wearing white! A white tux... please.
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Okay Westy,. White tux it is! I'm going to have an awfully hard time finding golf shoes to go with my dress!
Shall we register at the pro shop? Who are you going to pick as your "Best Caddy?" |
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Hi everyone,
Your situation is incredibly near mine Sneeze, but to a bit smaller scales (we're both under 20, we were together for 3 months on the first part and 1,9 years for the second part). I really recognize myself in the way you describe yourself, too. I'm personnaly in the very beginning of all that, my girlfriend left me 5 days ago :'( I've started the NC yesterday evening, before that she was calling me every one/two hours, just as usual, but without the "I love you" at the end... That's so tough to tell her I don't want to talk to her for some time. I'm not sure if I should start a new thread or not, I mean, that's always the same story in the end, and I think I've taken all the advices I can from AMHD : NC, NC, NC again... That'll be incredibly hard, I won't explain in details why, I think anyone here can understand, I have the feeling we were even closer than most of the people here were, but of course I can't be objective about that. Well, I won't expand further here, it's not my thread. Just to say, thanks for you giving details here, I've spend almost 3 hours reading you, and that really helped me (even though some things are tough to admit). Just wish me good luck for NC, 'cause I'm pretty sure I won't be able to stand it, I'm getting other problems in my life and I can't help but wanting to call her and have her reassure me, just like she did in the 3 days following our breakup... I'm always putting that NC in question again and again, wondering if it's the best solution or not... Ah well, sorry, I said I wouldn't expand ;) See you soon I hope. |
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Best wishes alcmene. Believe me when I say that 4 months ago, when I first came here and people told me:
Do NC It'll get better You'll find better I never believed them... and here I am. I know you're used to putting your ex in front at all times... even when you go grocery shopping. Start putting yourself on top... buy foods YOU like and rent movies YOU want to watch and do things YOU want to do. After 2 - 3 months, you'll look back and realize everyone was right. Feel free to vent anytime you wish, thanks for stopping by and reading about my life. I'm glad it helped. |
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Alcmene, most of us are where you are.. I was dumped a month ago, and I started going on here about a week before I got dumped... They correctly predicted what was going on, still didn't listen - did my own thing, and in the end I paid for it.. I don't think it couldve been avoided, though I got dumped really suddenly ,most of the times "they" have their mind set long before "they" do it..
Anw to make a long story short - I'm still here, every day.. Feeling better, sometimes feeling weak but I know that I can come here and vent , and try and help others and feel better about myself. All I'm saying is - now that you got the advice that we've all heard before, it doesn't mean you should disappear.. Keep coming, posting, help others who are in similar situations and absorb strength from what you post.. I try and follow my own advice as much as I can, coming on here reminds me to stay strong.. If it weren't for this site I would have still been a mess, would have called her thousands of times, begged, pleaded, e.t.c e.t.c. But now I'm maintaining no contact and she's snooping around trying to talk to me. But I won't let her.. Follow the advice these people give you and good luck. |
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Yea, just follow ISneeze, Westy and my stories as we have all been down the road you are traveling my friend. We all thought they were "the one" and that we wouldn't be able to do NC and wouldn't find anyone like them. Well here we are 5 months after the break up. I feel great, I miss her at times but remind myself that she isn't the person she used to be. I have to see her at my other job so it took awhile but I couldn't care less anymore lol. I have been doing NC since January and have said hello a few times but nothing major and I only said Hello after I was feeling fine and good.
It does get easier, and a lot easier my friend... Use us as outlets |
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Thanks a lot for your support :) That really helps.
But I can't stop myself to think about what I can do, what I should do, what she is doing... And I have moments I really think that full NC is a bit extreme. I mean, of course I don't want to see her, I know it's going to break me. But at least I could have a discussion with her, to explain her in details why I do this (even though she should understand it alone... ), and that I don't scorn her. I mean, after she broke, she was there to help me deal with it (really! ), and she always said that didn't mean there wasn't anything left between us. And doing that NC makes me feel like I'm looking down on everything we've lived together... A few times ago, you Sneeze asked whether you should answer your ex's mail or not. Everyone said no, "you don't owe anything to her" and so on. Hey, that's just not true ! You owe her, just likes she owes you, for all that great time you had together. And I don't understand why the global thinking seems so much like "hah she dumped you she's such a wh*re now make her suffer !". Yes, they dumped us, perhaps not as well as they could (even though I think I personnaly found a gentle one), but we all have had wonderful times with them, otherwise we wouldn't suffer that much now. Maybe that helps in the healing process (surely), but I find it not honest, and therefore quite egoistic… Waiting for your reactions :) |
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Originally Posted by Alcmene
You decided to post your "dilemna" on Sneezy's post, and if you didn't agree with the advice given to his particular situation, then you should've posted your own thread, and then disagreed if you wanted on there. That's how it works here. No, Sneezy does not owe her anything, and since you don't completely understand the circumstances, I think that is very unfair. We also don't give what you call "global thinking" advice. We give advice pertaining to the particular situation. We are here to give advice, not to tell you how to run your life. You can either take it or leave it, and that's fine. But don't say someone is being "egoistic" (I assume you meant egotistical) just by giving their advice that was asked for. Sneezy has been doing quite well with all of the advice given, and has made some good friends in the process. If the feedback you get isn't right for you then that's fine, but posting your own story on another thread would help with this "global thinking" you are talking about. :) |
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Very well said Starbucks... I have followed Sneezy's story since the very beginning seeing that our break ups happened roughly around the same time. Never have I heard him say he wants her to suffer or that she is a wh*re. Granted I only know him over a computer screen, but from what I can see, he does not seem like that type of person.
Secondly, you're going to do what you want to do. We will tell you NC is best but ultimately is up to you to decide. We give advice based on given circumstances, you do NOT owe your ex a thing. But hey, if you want to wait around at her beckon call, you will be in this hurtful process a lot longer than need be. I don't think you are anywhere close to being able to talk with her as a friend(that's all you will be to her)... Anytime you think you can be friends ask yourself this question... How would I feel if she tells me about all the guys she has been going on dates with? |
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Originally Posted by Romefalls19
Oh, and it's just Starby for short, lol |
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Alcmene just to add to the above (correct) posts.
NC isn't a form of punishment towards your ex, or whatever. It's something that you do for YOURSELF. I don't know how many break ups you've been through.. but I've been in 2 long/serious relationships.. The first lasted about a year and a half with a girl that I spent every day with,brought her home to the family e.t.c e.t.c you can imagine.. We broke up - and much like you, I wanted to be the nice guy.. I respected our history together and I still wanted her in my life.. It took me 3 years to get over her because of that.. and it hurt every time I would see her and pretend I was happy to hear her news about some guy she met, or how she got drunk and slept over at some guys house or whatever... I was still there for her.. in the three years we weren't together we still had sex several times, which kept me there like an obedient dog.. I only truly got over her when I met someone else - but it took me three years and trust me , no one wants to go through that. Like the others said, you get advice from here, its up to you to follow it. But if you consider your well being more important than hers then you need to be selfish FOR NOW. When you're both ready you can be friends.. (To give you an example, I'm now really good friends with the ex mentioned. But that's only because there was a gap of about a year where I was with another girl and I just stopped thinking about my ex.. I still love her to bits but she's more of a sister to me now.. We still talk occasionally on the phone and I take her out when we're in the same city or whatever.. Just goes to say that its possible you can stay friends but not right now.. Right now you would be setting yourself up for a lot of pain.. your bond won't be forgotten, so you can be friends when the time is right. |
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Yikes, I think alcmene just asked a simple question and you guys murdered him. I'll try to be nicer.
They are right in that I never referred to her as a wh*re or anything like that. In fact, I don't want her to feel bad... it'd be much better if we just lived our own lives without ever running into each other. As far as me owing her... perhaps you're right. We do "owe" each other due to the wonderful times we've shared with one another, but that's the thing, it's all in the past. As of right now, I owe her nothing, and she owes me nothing. The general consensus is that I don't "owe" it to her to pick up the phone call when it was in fact her that wanted to walk away from our relationship and to find another boyfriend. Just like she knew she didn't "owe" me anything when I kept asking her what was going on. If she did in fact owe me something, she at least owed me an explanation, but I was left hanging. I understand what you mean about being "egotistical" when it comes to you just caring about yourself and leaving your ex in the dust, and I saw it in that light as well, but I've come to realize that if you're not a "little bit" selfish in this situation, you're going to get trampled. My entire relationship, I've put her in front and put myself in the back... if she wanted oysters and I wanted sushi, I'd grit my teeth and go to an oyster bar without telling her I wanted sushi. I spent the entire relationship with this particular attitude... and once we broke up, I realized that I can live without doing any of this... that I can live for me. It's true, every relationship is different and who knows, maybe you two broke it off very amicably and you two are one of the few that can hold a friendship after a relationship. As for me, because my ex found another guy so fast and because she just left me hanging (kept telling me "No, we're just friends..." when in fact the guy slept over 2 weeks after we broke up) I felt like she betrayed my trust, and I'm not a huge fan of my trust being betrayed. I hope that gave you some outlook alcmene. Don't be afraid to post questions on here, I'll try to keep starby from biting you :) |
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I struggle with the same dilemma. While we broke up on somewhat "good terms", i.e.. Still love each other, talked about the break-up endlessly. I feel you have to be selfish in the beginning because you have to look out for yourself and you "owe" yourself. Not accepting calls/contact, is not a way of punishing the ex or making them feel bad, but it's a way of protecting yourself in the first phase of healing. You got to make yourself a priority in the beginning not the ex. Face it, they hurt your feelings by breaking up.. they should be able to understand why you can't continue to be in contact with him. Its no longer about worrying how they feel... its about how you feel and what's best for you.
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Originally Posted by losingit77
I think there needs to be a distinction drawn. Breaking up on good terms does not mean that one must necessarily keep in contact with the ex. Breaking up on good terms may keep things more civil, however people need to be careful that breaking up on good terms does not allow the feelings to linger on afterward. Being on good terms throughout the breakup seems like a great way to increase the chances of contact further on down the road, but both parties involved must ensure that any linger feelings are gone before this happens - otherwise good terms will likely give way to ill feelings. |
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