[goingcrazygirl]

We have been together for a year now. He is 28, I am 29. We moved in together 2 1/2 months into our relationships. Before that, the sex was frequent, kinky, and exciting. Since then it has tapered off dramatically. We have had many arguments about it. He comes up with many excuses. It's started as stress. He has told me that he is normal and that all guys are like this, but to my knowledge, if a girl throws herself at a guy, he jumps at the opportunity. I have told him how I want to express my love for him, and he says that love and sex have nothing to do with each other. I have made moves on him, I have rubbed, sucked, etc all the necessary parts, and he has turned me down while I was putting myself out there like that, which was completely humiliating to me. Don't get me wrong, he is super affectionated, we still kiss, he tells me he loves me all the time. I realise that I don't have a great body (I am 160 pounds), but it never seemed to be a problem before. What frustrated me is that I know he masturbates... while I am in the other room... why doesn't he come in and have sex with me? I have a huge sex drive... and I sometimes get so frustrated I get angry, or I cry. I want the physical relationship with my boyfriend. Is that so much to ask?? I am into kinky and exciting sex, and trying new things, and we used to do all sorts of positions... now I either have to get on top, or he lies on his side. I can't take this!

[Synnen]

You need to tell him EXACTLY what you have told us.

Then... you need to let him know that you are NOT putting up with this anymore.

Either he goes with you to counseling, so that he can work out whatever 'stress' it is, or you're going to find someone who WILL satisfy you in bed---which means that you'll sadly have to say goodbye to him.

Seriously--you need to TALK about it. If he won't talk with you--what's the point? A relationship needs honesty, trust, and communication to work, and I think that 2 of the 3 are missing from yours.

[goingcrazygirl]

One point I forgot to mention... he smokes a LOT of pot. Could this be a factor?

[Synnen]

Absolutely.

Pot is a HUGE arousal killer.

I am going to reiterate, though: Your biggest problem is lack of communication. You and he NEED to talk about this and come to a mutual understanding about it, or it will ruin your relationship.

[goingcrazygirl]

Every time we talk about it we end up in a huge argument. He doesn't want to hear it. He thinks Iam obsessed with sex, but if we have it once a week it's a lot. I don't know how to approach him about this anymore. And I KNOW he is not going to stop smoking pot. I love this guy more than anything. I just want a normal relationship.

[kp2171]

Well, to be blunt about it... I've loved women I could no longer be with due to issues in the relationship that prevented it from staying healthy or moving forward.

You get what you demand for yourself... and if you don't get it, you move on.

Not fun. Not pretty. Sucks all around.

But you are with a pot smoking, unattentive man who cares about you outside the bedroom, but won't talk to you about sex or all the intimate emotions that are tied to a loving connection.

If there is ANYTHING I have learned... it's that a key to a healthy sex life is open communication. Unless things just perfectly click day in and day out sexually... and I've been in one relationship like that... but most of the time it takes work.

I've been with my wife for 10 years, 8 married. Our sex life is pretty good. Why not great? Schedules and kids. No more getting naked by the fire with a glass of wine unless its planned out with babysitting... which means some spontaneity is long gone.

OK... but we don't roll over and play dead. We work on it. Talk about it. Find time to make time. Our sex life might not be what wed want it to be perfectly... but its pretty good for what we can do... and what makes that work is we are both interested, we both want to please ourselves, we want to please each other, and we talk it out.

If I don't get her off I can ask if I broke the rhythm at the wrong moment without feeling like a failure. It happens. OK. I'm willing to fail in bed. I'm not willing to fail to talk about it, thereby ensuring I'm going to fail again.

So... I know how hard it is to walk away from time spent and emotions tied to the comfort of person you have known, loved, and cared for. I'm all for saying do the hard work it takes to make a meaningful relationship last... but unfortunately, doing the hard work doesn't mean bearing all the load yourself, and doing the hard work usually depends on successful communication.

And I promise you... life only gets more complicated. Not bad... just takes more work, effort, and deliberate intent.

Not so sure he has it in him. I believe you have it in you.

[goingcrazygirl]

Thanks for sharing your experience. It did remind me of something else Ididn't bring up. At one point he told me that when I want sex I should put an X on the calendar. Not the most romantic but at that point I was willing to try. It worked for a while, but now the X's get ignored, and when I bring it up he says that I never told him that there was an X on the calendar. I don't really know how telling him there is an X on the claendar, and asking for sex are two different things? To me they are one in the same. I know I might have to consider my options, but I am really trying to exhaust every option possible before that happens, because when it does happen and he's into it, the sex is fantastic.

[kp2171]

Well... as unromantic as it sounds, sometimes my partner and I plan out evenings that usually involve a date night, and often sex. Its what happens with kids. When you get the free time, you hopefully use it well. And these dates are often scheduled around the best times when sex might be possible... not that its all about sex... not that it isn't about sex either.

So... on one level, planning for the potential of sex is something people do... and on the other... MAN he is just making it as unsexy as hell!!

Not to mention, he's putting the burden on you. Where is the chase from his side?

More personal perspective... I love to make out at night. Love night sex. Absolutely love it. My partner is a morning girl. Always has been. So we compromise... meaning I now wake up at 4AM and go down on my lover. If she's responsive, it's a win-win. If she seems uninterested, well... back to sleep. Now... on the flip side... she bends my way too. She knows I love sex after a shower and shell sometimes wait in the bathroom for me with a "come hither" look. She knows I love sex outdoors and will try to accommodate me when the time is right, the weather is good, and the stars are aligned.

So I'm willing to chase more often than her and to initiate sex and sometimes be turned down. She's willing to bend to my quirks and tries to understand my wants and needs.

I'm not saying its always perfect. Not saying I haven't spend a night awake for hours ticked that I can't get her interested. Not saying she hasn't obliged me at times more out of courtesy than interest. But there's quid pro quo... something for something.

Just watch yourself. Good that the sex is fantastic when it happens... but is it you have a great connection, or is it that you are so primed that a bumpy ride on a motorcycle would get you off? If you are left wanting that much, maybe you are just primed beyond all reason.

I don't want to tell you to ditch him. That's your call.

I will tell you, at some point you choose what you get. You don't stay and be a victim. I don't think you are playing that card, but I feel pretty strongly about that. When things aren't clicking and you choose to stay with someone who isn't interested in changing... that's the point where you accept it, own it, and live with it. Or leave.

[goingcrazygirl]

Trust me, I know all about my breaking point. I was married before, and the sex with him ,well it was the only sex I knew and it was decent, but I know a bad relationship, and I know to leave, and I am not afraid to do it.

That said, I know that the guy I am with now is worth the work to try and find a solution. However, you are right in that he is not doing his part. Your story about the time differences of you and your partner wanting sex is also something that hits home. He wants it in the morning, I am at my peak at night... but he will not compromise. It's morning, or nothing. He thinks I should take it when I can get it and if morning is the time that he is willing then that's what I should accept. That's all fine and good, but he complains then that it takes me so long to get off, but if he had sex with me at night, it would happen so much quicker. I am too tried in the morning sometimes to be turned on enough. At night it could happen in seconds... it's not difficult to get me off... I'm the kind of woman whohas never understood why other women find it so hard. At the same time if it's not with someone I love, I find it difficult.

[Choux]

You are on an upward curve to your sexual peak in your 30's, and he is on a downward curve from his sexual peak in his teen years.

That's biology.

I would suggest it is a good time for you to up the ante on your creative sexuality... widen the horizons of your mind to include more thoughts that turn you on-that you would possibly want to act out with your partner. :)

Don't cling to the man... that's a big turn off for him. Be a self-sufficient woman, a woman with different interests, a woman who can take care of herself. :)

[Lyle2hornz49]

You know What.. We have tha same problem.. I got a girl who never hits on me or makes moves or shows any sexual interest anymore and we been together for about 2 year and I know I am good in bed I am confident about my size and performance.. but I re