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jc105 · Mar 7, 2006, 03:19 PM

I wanted to leave one last post on this subject now that my girl has moved out and I have talked to her once.

As I have said before my girlfriend didn't leave many options for me to not talk to her, but for now I know I must avoid it. (She left half her stuff at the house)

I think I understand why its necessary to both a) let them leave, and b) not speak to them for a good while.

First is that if you really loved them and they feel they need to leave, you and your partner are not in sync. So after they leave and you are a mess... that is not the time to talk to them. As hard as I try to be strong and act like it is cool that she is gone, I barely keep it together on the phone and the conversation doesn't flow nicely. She wants to talk but she knows everything I want to say and definitely does not want to hear any of it, not that I say it but it is always on both our minds. So time will give us a chance to miss each other which I know she already has, she told me in the one conversation, but she also says she is still excited to be able to do things she really wants to.

To me this means for her to want to come back, she is going to need to bore herself with what she is doing and remember me... Not that living with that hope is what you should do. Resolving that I know I love her, and I know she is gone for now, and maybe this is the best thing for both of us.

Now comes to the part of the dumped. As soon as you can do something fun, do it. Staying at home will depress you and ultimately make you a person that no one, especially not your girlfriend or ex-gf depending on if your on a break, or a break-up, will want to talk to.

Now if people are looking to get there partners back quickly, forget it. If you think it isn't going to hurt for a while, forget it. You can't avoid it. Right now I feel this clarity, but on my long drive home I know I am going to struggle to hold it together.

But the hope that once I rebuild myself, and decide if I want her back, then I will make the effort and get her back. I know she would come back in the future, just the present takes so damn long.

Wildcat21 · Mar 7, 2006, 04:04 PM

Stay strong Bro. I've been there.

She CAN'T ever know you're suffering. She wants confidence. She Won't come back to a guy who isn't having a fun, interesting life.

I started work out a lot - body building - it helped a lot.

Again - figure out what pushed her away.

And - you HAVE TO: DATE, DATE, DATE!! - even if your not in it for anything too serious... just date.

fredg · Mar 7, 2006, 04:26 PM

Hi,
One of the mysteries of life is that she may not come back, and by that time, you just may not want her back.
Waiting for someone doesn't always work out; because there are two people involved. Please be ready to accept it, if the relationship doesn't work out in the future. And I agee with seeing others. The longer one waits for someone, the more strain, stress, and emotions they put on themselves.

Wildcat21 · Mar 7, 2006, 04:39 PM

Tried to rep you fred... but couldn't. Great stuff.

I'd add... waiting for someone NEVER works out. She is more inclinde to come back if she knows you HAVE moved on and are dating. She won't come back to a guy waiting around.

jc105 · Mar 7, 2006, 05:27 PM

She knows I'm not waiting too long.

Between us in the post I went out and hooked up with a girl, nothing below the waist, but still something to boost my confidence (Sorry ladies).

I am not the type to wait and not go out. I am way more inclined to go out now more than ever. Sitting at home waiting for whatever will kill me. She knows it and I do believe that either I will find someone else, or she will come back. I know one or both may happen so I know life goes on. But to let you know wildcat, I am not the type to shower her with romantacism, but I was possesive. Now I know and hopefully she will let me prove that I know to her. We have always been great friends, even when we were together so I know we will never stop talking after I get done trying to avoid her.

Again wildcat, thank you for the advise and I hope that anyone that reads can learn at least a little. But know, there is no cure for the pain. You have to look past it everyday until you find that your not looking past it, or at least I hope that happens one day.

jc105 · Mar 7, 2006, 05:33 PM

On another note, sorry for double posts but...

This girl has me. As willing as I am to go out and meet people and what not, she will always have a part of my heart. I will in some way ALWAYS be waiting for her, whether she knows. For now I play the game and see what happens, I may meet someone just as amazing.

s_cianci · Mar 7, 2006, 08:20 PM

It's been my personal experience from my bygone years as a bachelor that when you make like you don't care and get on with your life without them, they have a way of crawling back in, whether you want them to or not. I don't know how or why this works. I guess people want to be needed so once they perceive that you're getting along just fine without them they try to find a space for themselves in your heart. I actually had an old girlfriend call me years later after I was married. Needless to say it was a very awkward experience for me and my wife. Admittedley I was the one who'd done the breaking up in this case but I've had girlfriends who'd broken up with me contact me weeks or months later as well. Usually my pride prevented me from reciprocating any interest in such cases. In one instance I actually had to go to court and apply for a restraining order because an ex-girlfriend who'd broken up with me weeks earlier wouldn't leave me alone. I guess she couldn't handle the fact that I wouldn't pursue her and her ego couldn't handle that so she took it as a rejection, despite the fact that she initiated the breakup. I truly believe the adage that we want what we can't have, so the more aloof you make yourself out to be, the more likely you are to have people pursue you.

jeffatl · Mar 7, 2006, 08:23 PM

The thing is, they will only come back after you are over them and don't want them to come back anymore. Move on, there are so many other people out there to date/go out with. ARG!!

kp2171 · Mar 7, 2006, 09:27 PM

My experience is move on. It's a waste of time to pine for what isn't any more.

Wasting time in a relationship that didn't work isn't worth beating yourself up about. Wasting time over a relationship that is likely over, now that is stupid.

I can say that cause I've done it myself.

How many people that break up w a longtime girlfriend or boyfriend are seeing that person again in 10 years? Few. How many people that get divorced marry the same person again. Few. It happens. Not often.

Something wasn't right. Sucks. Oops. Whatever. Pick yourself up and start again. There's a few billion other people out there. Chances are a few of them are better choices, eh?

fredg · Mar 8, 2006, 05:35 AM

Hi, JC,
You will "always be waiting" for her, in some way? You said that in your last post.
You will learn that this isn't true. If you will give yourself some time, while meeting others, you will find that there is a girl just for you, no games, with a great relationship that will be between you both.
Over 40 yrs ago, when my high school sweetheart, which I thought we would someday be married, found someone else, it took a year to get over her; so I could start dating again.
I didn't wait for her, and although I still remember her to this day, and the good times we had, I am not "waiting" for her.

jc105 · Mar 8, 2006, 06:32 AM

One other question. On another forum I posted my situation. First I was told to let her be and to give her time. Then I was told that by telling her that she has all the time she needs and by doing something extremely romantic, he was able to get her back.

At this point I can't imagine doing something like that. How long would everyone propose I wait before making another stab at her. I know she is going to call and expect me to want to hang out in the next couple weeks. Should I just avoid it until I feel like we are comfortable together. Or try to throw her off early on and make a romantic gesture?

And Fred, you have said in other posts that you get a little teary when you think about your HS girl. If that isn't a place you saved in your heart for I don't know what is. I know that the time I spent with her will walk with me forever. Not so promenantly as that, but she will be there. Last night I thought I couldn't remember what she looked like and then 4 years of images of her came flooding back, from the day I met her to the day I... Her. I have a photographic memory and I reminded myself that. So I know where she is in my heart.

Don't get the idea that I am sappy and needy everyone because none of my friends think I am taking this hard, I don't show anyone but the net that. But I do know I love this girl with every piece of me and have to struggle not to call her ALL the time.

Depressed in MO · Mar 8, 2006, 03:21 PM

The man I am currently with broke up with me about 3 years ago. We had been together for about three-four years and we were fighting a lot and I kept on trying to "kick him out" because the things he was doing were not right for us or our children to be together. Well he kept saying no and doing his crazy wild things. Well, when I got my income check back at the end of the year (which I earned all on my own hard work) I gave him over $3500.00 to go to college and make something of himself as he said that is what he wanted to do. Two weeks later, he vanished. And I couldn't stand that he was the one to leave me, even though I kept telling him to get out! So I begged and begged him to come back for about 10 months. (we would be dating and sleeping together and all that in between-while he would see other people), but NE ways-he came back, we had another child together, and although we are still together, I still have similar problems with him everyday, I'm sick everyday (nerves)-all over our relationship. My point is... If they go a first time, it's probably for the best and not even worth it to take them back even if you get the chance.

Wildcat21 · Mar 8, 2006, 03:35 PM

Why on earth would you stay with guy? How about some logic??

Oh yeah... your a women... he gives those (unreliable) 'feelings'.

Crazy.

jc105 · Mar 9, 2006, 06:39 AM

Wildcat there is something to say about the love people feel for each other. It doesn't make sense because as much as you hate someone, when they are gone you miss them. Personally bad relationships are everywhere, but as I currently struggle to allow my girl to do what she needs to, I would recommend you do what you need to depressed in MO. I would kill someone who would've said this to my girl, but who cares. If it makes you happier to think of not being with him then do it. Just because he may make your life easier and you have a lot vested in the relationship, it might be most healthy to end it. For your sake, and your children.

JC

Wildcat21 · Mar 9, 2006, 09:24 AM

No - it should make sense. The person you love should NEVER put you through the crap this guy has put her through. It's riidculous. Obviously you've never had a real partner.

You partner should NEVER make you 'put up with' anything. This guy has used you and abused you and you take it. Not healthy.

"But I do happen to believe love is blind" - No, I disagree 1000%. Women rely WAY too much on their feelings.

Just because you're attracted to someone does not mean you should EVER be with some one. This guy sounds like he has created a TON of heartache and trouble - THAT IS NOT LOVE!!

I have a feeling he actually have some sort of mental (abuse) control/manipulation over you.

That is just a REALLY unhealthy relationship. Ughhhhhhhhhhhh! WHY would go through life like that??

Depressed in MO · Mar 9, 2006, 10:52 AM

This guy tells me he wants to be with me forever and he feels that we are soul mates and he will never leave me. I don't imply for him to tell me these things, he just tells me this whenever I tell him how how bad he is hurting me. He says "I'm not perfect and I never will be"-what the hell is that supposed to mean?

Wildcat21 · Mar 9, 2006, 11:03 AM

Well. He needs to grow up... and I BET he never will. Why eould you waste your time with someone like this?? I bet 100% you don't fully trust him - that's horrible.

Of course he tells you this - it's manipulation. Ever hear - TALK IS CHEAP? Words mean NOTHING without action.

You NEVER tell some one how you feel... YOU SHOW THEM by your actions.

I don't know your entire history, but this guy has showed you a lot... and it is mostly NOT good.

Soul mates? And he treats you like crap? Nice.

Wildcat21 · Mar 9, 2006, 11:04 AM

You don't trust. He doesn't respect you. He walks all over you.

With out trust and respect - you have nothing.

jc105 · Mar 15, 2006, 06:38 AM

I want to start by agreeing with Wildcat and the previous posts, but also I want to ask wildcat some some questions...

So we are at about 2 full weeks of not living together (My girl and I), but she stopped by while I was out to get the rest of her stuff. She left me a note that was very nice, but it still hurt. Long and short is that she is 'pretty happy' and glad we ended things nicely. She wants me to call her one night 'if I want'.

Needless to say I didn't call her last night and I don't plan on callng her, not that I am not dying to talk to her but I think she needs at least another week alone with her stuff. So here is the question wildcat, would next week after her class which would be the 3rd week, be too soon to try to surprise her after class, maybe take her for a cup of coffee? Should I wait longer and make her stew more?

I almost definitely will do it if she tries to call again before next Wednesday. The surpise is something I only did once before, sitting on the back of her car waiting for her in the parking lot.

All right cat, give me your advice.

JC

Wildcat21 · Mar 15, 2006, 09:00 AM

No - I'd leave her alone for 3 months. She left you. She doesn't deseve your attention, presence. No contact, nothing for 3 month.

You need to work on yourself as well.

I also advise dating other people. Date, date, date.

You really want to think she wants you to surprise her?? No. She left - remember.

She left for a reason and you need to REALLY figure out why. What did you do to push her away?? Then you need to fix that problem - some people are jeoulous, needy, possesive... they quit spending time with their friends... quit doing their own things.

You never can completlewy surrender to someone.