[chuff]

While this may be true for some women, it certainly isn't true for all of us

Name one woman who does not test men.

and unless you know this is what she is doing, I would not advise it.

That is exactly what she's doing.

You're dating her, you don't tell her what you won't tolerate just because she sees no problem with giving a kid a ride to and from work.

He is dating her so he can tell her what he will tolerate. If he does nothing... which is what he's doing he's going to let her walk all over him... which is what is happening. This has nothing to do with giving someone a ride, this is about her pushing his buttons to see if he will stand up for himself.

As talaniman says, choose your battles wisely, don't go off half cocked over something like this. If this is the only thing she does, I say get over it.

I also say get over it. I explained in my first post that he either put his foot down and be prepared to leave and then back it up. His problem is, by his own admission he's afraid to confront her because she might be upset. She knows this and as a result she pushes him and he doesn't push back.

[chuff]

It doesn't make any sense to piss your boyfriend off for a bum without a car. No sense at all. He shouldn't sit around and wait while she is serving as this guy's limo driver. Go out with your bros.

This is a quote of what I’m talking about. He says it doesn’t make any sense to piss off your boyfriend, and I’m saying it makes perfect sense because he thinks she would do whatever he likes for the good of the relationship because that is what he would do. He is thinking logically. She on the other hand, knows this upsets him, and in turn continues to do it. Now he could either quit complaining about it, or put his foot down. Instead he has choose to complain and do nothing. Not exactly what a woman is looking for in a guy.

Yeah I know what you mean I told her that I feel like im her lowest priority and she says it isnt true.

Complain and whine. Instead, if you feel like you’re a low priority you need to pull back and let her notice you aren’t going to waste your time. Your time is valuable and you need to let her know it by letting doing something else when she can’t commit to you on your time.

Meh, I may have to get tough with her real soon if she doesnt start respecting me more.

Again, he has no clue. He thinks by getting tough he owns her. What I’m saying is he either choose one or the other. You don’t get tough by demanding she do something on your terms. You demonstrate that you will not tolerate her behavior. If she is providing rides to this guy when they are together he needs to be prepared to go do something else for the day, not throw a temper tantrum and tell her what to do.

She justifies her actions by thinking that giving this kid a ride home since supposedly "nobody else" has a car that he knows and his aunt/uncle are mean to him and wont give him rides makes it the right thing to do, since he is her friend or else he would have to walk. While I understand that, maybe he shouldnt have a damn job if he can't get there and back, which I said but she didnt really know what to say to that.

I agree with that. If you get a job then it’s your responsibility to get there. That is not his girlfriends problem. I don’t agree with the tone he choose to say it. It comes off whining and instead he could have decided to tell her that he has other things he needs to take care and let her give the other guy a ride. His time is valuable, and he needs to show her that, not whine about it.

She thinks that she has to be a good person and always help people, and that if I dont agree that helping him when he is in need all the time that I am negative ect.

I agree with her. You are negative. You need to demonstrate that you don’t like her actions by backing off when she does this. What she does on her time is not your problem. But if she wants to do this when your around then tell her you’ve got other things to do and she can call you to reschedule a meeting, date, or event.

[High Max]

So do you suggust when she comes over and then if she has to give this guy a ride, that I tell her go ahead, and then tell her that I have other plans for the rest of the night and we have to reschedule? The only problem with that is I only see her twice a week as it is, or is this what I really need to do? Right now she hasn't call me or texted me since Saturday because she feels a bit distant. Should I maintain no contact until she initiates?

[chuff]

So do you suggust when she comes over and then if she has to give this guy a ride, that I tell her go ahead, and then tell her that I have other plans for the rest of the night and we have to reschedule?

That is exactly what I suggest. I and wouldn't get mad about it, just tell her you appreciate the time she made for you, wish her a great day and have her call when she's got a chance.

The only problem with that is I only see her twice a week as it is, or is this what I really need to do?

That's her problem as well, and she hasn't made it a priority to use the time she has with you, a time of value. Your time is valuable, and if she has other things to do then let her do them.

Right now she hasnt call me or texted me since Saturday because she feels a bit distant. Should I maintain no contact until she initiates?

Probably for the best at this time.

[High Max]

All right, if she sticks around I'm going to go in with faith in what you say. I've tried talking about it nicely and seeing if she would be considerate to me, which she has not been. If I follow through, be a man and do not act affected, do you think in time she will come back to me and love me like she used to?

[talaniman]

No I do not. Sorry, but I think your pushing her away, and there is much more to this, than giving some guy a ride. My first red flag would be about only seeing each other on two days out of the week, out of seven, and you make no mention of calling, or being in touch, in between time. What's that all about? Is this a long distance relationship? That would bring on a whole new set of problems.

[chuff]

Alright, if she sticks around im going to go in with faith in what you say. I've tried talking about it nicely and seeing if she would be considerate to me, which she has not been. If I follow through, be a man and do not act affected, do you think in time she will come back to me and love me like she used to?

I can't answer that question but I can tell you what you are doing is not working. If you follow through you can at least hold your power and some dignity. Women love both in there men. Right now she has complete power over you and you do nothing about it complain. She can't find that appealing.

[Homegirl 50]

When we first got together, I had been reading some materials that listed the qualities women wanted. I told her that we couldnt center our lives around each other, that I love an independent woman, that I wanted her to have her own life. I said that I didnt care if she hung out with other guys and that I am secure with that, but if there is any cheating that I cannot forgive it. She loved that I was like this, and I think its why she fell for me so hard initially. Fast forward a year later, and I have become insecure and completely incongruent with my original self. We dont talk as much but she still loves me.


See this is where your problems started. You read a book that gave you an example of what(some) woman like and you ran with it. You tried to be something you may not be, then you relaxed and started to be yourself. She was liking the guy you pretended to be.
You two are not a match. You never were. She is not what you want and you are not what she wants. You need to accept that and maybe move on.

[High Max]

No I do not. Sorry, but I think your pushing her away, and there is much more to this, than giving some guy a ride. My first red flag would be about only seeing each other on two days out of the week, out of seven, and you make no mention of calling, or being in touch, in between time. Whats that all about? Is this a long distance relationship? That would bring on a whole new set of problems.

The reason for not seeing her much is that she is in school during the day, and then on Tuesday and Thursday night she has night school and she can't see me those nights. She has family nights where she must stay home Sunday and Wednesday. She is 18, I am 20, didn't mention that earlier. She works Saturday and Sunday. Friday and Monday is usually the only days we get.

She says because of this she feels that every moment of her free time is just with us, that she doesn't get to spend any time with her friends. She says that she will have more time in the summer.

[Homegirl 50]

Chuff, not all women test men and many of the Adult women I know don't behave that way either. I do not play games, never have. I do not push buttons to see how far I can go, that is what children do with authority.
When you are with the right man, you don't have issues of authority, he is not lording over you, telling you what you can and cannot do and you are not testing boundaries, that is all rather childish and it has been many years sense I as a child. In an adult relationship, there is a mutual respect for each other.

[Homegirl 50]

The reason for not seeing her much is that she is in school during the day, and then on Tuesday and Thursday night she has night school and she can't see me those nights. She has family nights where she must stay home sunday and wednesday. She is 18, I am 20, didnt mention that earlier. She works Saturday and Sunday. Friday and Monday is usually the only days we get.

She says because of this she feels that every moment of her free time is just with us, that she doesnt get to spend any time with her friends. She says that she will have more time in the summer.

Well that's the problem! She is 18, is going to school and wants to have fun. That is what the young years are about. She has a busy life and wants to have time to play and be with you.
You two are on two different pages. You need to find someone who is maybe not so busy and can spend more time with you.

[talaniman]

If you intend on keeping this female, stop complaining about her time, and start having a good time. She is to busy to have a b/f who complains whenever they are together, just because that's the stage she is at. Exploring, having fun, wild and loose. You want a steady g/f to hug, cuddle, and snuggle with, and give you personal time. Homegirl was right, your at different places in your life. Dude, she has a lot of growing to do, so be very flexible, and go with the flow, or move on. This philly isn't ready to be tamed yet, and any effort to coral her, or slow her roll, will only lead to her wanting her freedom even more. Your decision to make. Have fun, or give her freedom, without you.

[High Max]

What do you suggest I do about this?

Yesterday she broke no contact and said that she was really busy and was surprised that I didn't call or text. We talk over text and we agree to have her come over for awhile. She said after she finished her homework with that guy she gives a ride home. (They both have the same classes) so I wait until 9 and she gets there and stays for awhile. I told her I was out shopping with a friend so it was all right, got some new clothes.

Things go well, she leaves and she asked if I wanted her to call when she gets home, I said sure. She calls and we talk, she said she forgot she was supposed to call her brother and said she would call me back. I said I was going to bed at midnight. She said she would call or text. Well, she never did either. She also said she would call me this morning to wake me up before she went to school and I went to work, she never did. I don't know if she slept in which she commonly does, or if she just didn't care. Same applies to last night, I don't know if it just got too late or what.

How to I handle it? I've told her in the past to please not tell me you are going to call etc if you don't plan on doing it. She never used to be bad about this, just recently. Do I act unaffected and just not mention it?

[talaniman]

Yesterday she broke no contact

What's all this no contact about?

Right now she hasn't call me or texted me since Saturday because she feels a bit distant. Should I maintain no contact until she initiates?

Yesterday she broke no contact and said that she was really busy and was surprised that I didn't call or text.

Okay what am I missing with this no contact, and what is she distant about?
I would be asking her whats up?

Why are you on no contact?

[talaniman]

I don't think no contact is for people to use, when they need to find common ground and work together.

[High Max]

I had taken the advice of another person on the forum here after her and I had a small issue he said that I should wait for her to call/text me. So I did. I am just tired of always texting her or initiating contact in the morning. I don't want to look clingy or becoming annoying to her for calling her out on not calling when she says she will, I'm afraid it will turn her off.

[Mom of 2]

Okay, when you HAVE been in contact with her, whether it is face to face or on the phone, are you talking to her about the issues that you are mentioning in these posts? Or, are you avoiding the issues and just trying to have a good time with her?

I agree with Talaniman that this no contact should not be used in your situation because you need to talk to her about these issues. If you are talking to her about the issues, great. However, if you are not, what are you waiting for? I hate this no contact stuff unless you are truly broken up. If you are in a relationship, stop with all of the games and call the person if you feel the need to talk!! If you have broken up with someone, there should not be any contact unless it is absolutely necessary.

It is simple, you need to contact someone to talk through the issues. Once this is done, then you need to decide if you want to continue with a relationship. Keep in mind that a good relationship should add to your life, not take away from it. If you find yourself exerting a lot of unnecessary energy working on it, etc. and it is taking away from your overall life, then this is not a good relationship. You need to be happy with yourself and love yourself before anyone else can love you. Being a doormat means that you do not respect yourself because you are constantly putting the needs of someone else before your own needs. However, being over demanding also means that someone needs to do certain things in order to keep you happy. Either way, this is codependant thinking and is NOT healthy. Only you can make yourself happy, no one can do that for you.

Sorry to be so wordy.

[High Max]

I love this girl a lot, but I just wonder with her blowing off calling me back and such. I have talked to her about it before, she says that she is sorry that she has been busy but she was just a bit fed up with me negative attitude. Im working on it and she seems OK with me in person, but I don't know if her not returning a few calls when she says she will constitutes a breakup, and I don't know if I should continue nagging as I may become more like a mom.

[talaniman]

What do you guys do, besides spend a few hours at your place a couple of times a week?

[High Max]

What do you guys do, besides spend a few hours at your place a couple of times a week?

Not a whole lot, go to some stores sometimes, a few weekends ago I took her out skating and I planned on taking her bowling too.