[High Max]

Hello everyone, I am curious what you think about this situation. I hope that you can provide me some insight, as I am nervous about where things are going. Please help me.

I have been with my girlfriend for a year now, and things went very well until the past few months. We had a short break up that lasted a week, granted it was almost completely my fault, but her fault for not communicating her problems with the relationship earlier on, which she admitted. After no contact for a few days we got together and we talked about things, and we got back together. I said the only way I would get back together with her is if she promised that we could communicate and that this sort of thing would not happen again. She agreed.

Things went well for awhile, but we have a problem again. Lately, she thinks that I want to see her a bit too much and that she isn't able to spend time with friends who want to hang out with her. She is more independent. She says that she still loves me, but she don't know if she will forever because she doesn't like how I am judgemental of certain individuals including some of her friends with a shady past. (I hate drugs and people who use them, and some of them do.) I call them scum bags, slimey, etc. She takes offense to this and I understand.

Also, she gives rides to this guy that doesn't have a car to his job and home a lot. This guy has a girlfriend who is pregnant, I know that it is nothing like that. She isn't even attracted to him. She just likes helping people out. My problem? He always calls on OUR time. She said that I am being unreasonable because it only takes a half hour to pick him up and that I can come along and ride in the car, so its not like we are apart or anything. While this is true, I just hate dropping things for some guy that can't find anyone else to give him a ride.

When we first got together, I had been reading some materials that listed the qualities women wanted. I told her that we couldn't center our lives around each other, that I love an independent woman, that I wanted her to have her own life. I said that I didn't care if she hung out with other guys and that I am secure with that, but if there is any cheating that I cannot forgive it. She loved that I was like this, and I think its why she fell for me so hard initially. Fast forward a year later, and I have become insecure and completely incongruent with my original self. We don't talk as much but she still loves me.

What I'm asking you guys, is what can I do, how can I show her that I am going back to my old self, so that I don't lose her? I think that it is good that I am realizing this NOW before it is too late and I get myself dumped. Please, anything would help. It's not too late to fix this. How can I get her thinking/missing me again like she did?

[workedtoohard]

Read this carefully. Over and over. Ok? Why does she get to determine your behavior? What makes her so grant and mighty? Why is she having all the power? The answer is this. Girls test guys to see how they react. The longer a man and woman have been together the more "tests" the girl tries. The key is reacting in an alpha male manner. She picks up that bum with no car because she either likes him or wants to piss you off and see how you react. Would you ditch her to pick up a girl with no car? The solution is this. IF YOU DO THIS, you will earn RESPECT. READ it over and over. When she goes to pick up that slob with no car, you GO DO YOUR OWN THING FOR THE REST of the day/night WITHOUT rubbing it in her face!! Don't answer your phone or anything. If you do that over and over, she will stop seeing him guaranteed. You have to train a woman a little to keep her for life. By the way, druggies are scumbags. She sounds a little bit like a hippy. Oh well. She is making a choice: HIM over YOU. It should not be tolerated! GET angry and get focused. Its hard, but you don't want to lose her do you?

[SummerLegacies]

At least you mentioned that you and your girlfriend have talked things out and are able to communicate. That's good sign already. I'll try to go in order of how you mentioned the problems.
Firstly, I know a lot of people that have had the friends vs. relationship problem. The best thing I can say about that is that it IS true that some time apart is healthy. She needs time to see the other people she cares about, and besides maybe a few days away from you will make her see that she misses you like crazy so when you hang out again it will be a happier experience. So basically just try to keep it equal between you and friends for her. If she's already made plans just say OK and ask when the next time you and her will see each other will be, and vice versa for you if you already have plans.

If she thinks you're judgmental about the druggies then just don't talk about them around her. Just say that you don't approve of their actions and leave it at that. If it bothers her that you say things about them around her don't say things about them while you're around her. She should appreciate that and as long as you both can be content with different opinions about those kinds of people than that should be that

As for the dude that keeps asking for a ride... I'm not sure if there is any particular reason he keeps asking your girlfriend. Have they been friends for a while, or does she owe him for something? It's clearly not anything going on between them because from what you've said your girl inst stupid enough to go for that, and this dude's already screwed his life up enough so I doubt he'd try to ruin it more by going after your girlfriend. I'd say if you and her have already made plans make sure she knows to tell him to find another ride. He can't be dependent on one person alone. If he really needs a ride some days than let her, but I agree that you can't accept that she's always the one he comes to to ask. Let her know that if she plans to be with you a day... then she should be with you

I hope that helps or at least gives you an idea to tweak into something that will help. Just don't let it go if you love her. Work on it :)

[High Max]

Read this carefully. Over and over. Ok? Why does she get to determine your behavior? What makes her so grant and mighty? Why is she having all the power? The answer is this. Girls test guys to see how they react. The longer a man and woman have been together the more "tests" the girl tries. The key is reacting in an alpha male manner. She picks up that bum with no car because she either likes him or wants to piss you off and see how you react. Would you ditch her to pick up a girl with no car? The solution is this. IF YOU DO THIS, you will earn RESPECT. READ it over and over. When she goes to pick up that slob with no car, you GO DO YOUR OWN THING FOR THE REST of the day/night WITHOUT rubbing it in her face!!!! Dont' answer your phone or anything. If you do that over and over, she will stop seeing him guaranteed. You have to train a woman a little to keep her for life. By the way, druggies are scumbags. She sounds a little bit like a hippy. Oh well. She is making a choice: HIM over YOU. It should not be tolerated!. GET angry and get focused. Its hard, but you don't want to lose her do you?

I don't want to lose her. I don't think this should be tolerated on OUR time that is supposed to be JUST ME AND HER. If we have to give him a ride when she is with me at my house, how do I say no? She will just go and do it anyway. Im worried if I tell her to just leave and do it, and not come back or whatever you are suggesting she is going to think I'm really cold and be turned off.

[talaniman]

Balance and flexibility, come to mind. Less negative, and more positive, as far as actions go, as she knows how you feel about some of her friends, so why harp on it over and over. She gives a guy a ride when he needs it, go with her, and buy her an ice cream cone. Be creative and opportunistic. Show the love, when you can, and squash the negative.

[N0help4u]

First of all you need to be honest with yourself of just how much you can deal with her independence. Then unless you want to let her be independent beyond what you can handle you need to make a list of compromises but then you might lose her.
If I were you I would start by telling her that you are okay with her driving him to and from work but that if he wants other rides they need to be pre arranged. Like if he wants to go shopping he can go when she is going anyway or they can pick a day they both do their shopping on. (I hate it when I get back from the store and then somebody wants to go --double trip!) Then if a ride was not pre arranged then too bad. I know how you have to feel when you think you have time alone together and then she HAS to jump and run so somebody can buy a pack of cigarettes or whatever. She should not cut into your time together.

[workedtoohard]

It doesn't make any sense to piss your boyfriend off for a bum without a car. No sense at all. He shouldn't sit around and wait while she is serving as this guy's limo driver. Go out with your bros.

[High Max]

She said if this happened to any of my friends and I had to that she wouldn't be bothered.

[N0help4u]

The thing is that you are leaving the door wide open to her taking you for granted.
What if you did start running all over with your friends?
You are running your friends when she wants alone together time and she is running her friends when you want alone together time and it snowballs into a distant relationship emotionally. I can understand you respecting her independence to a degree but she needs to compromise. The compromise at the very least should be together time not interrupted. And her friends needs pre arranged no last minute stuff unless you are okay with it at the time.

Also I have known many guys that have told me they would be okay with me doing something they were doing but when the moment of truth arrived they were not okay.
She thinks it would be okay with her if you did it because SHE is doing it but you try driving a friend girl around and I bet the okay with doesn't last all that long.

[Homegirl 50]

It sounds to me like you cannot handle her Independence. There is noting wrong with either of you but you two are just not on the same page. You both want different things in a relationship.
You may not get things back because you are now at a stage where you two are realizing you may not be a match. That is what the dating process is for. You feel each other out and see if you may have a future, if you are right for each other.
Hate to say it, but you two may not be a match.

[talaniman]

Pick your battles carefully, and talk and listen to each other, as the whole point in a relationship is to be free to express yourself, and compromise sometimes. This is an ongoing process, not a one shot deal. The point is to keep working at this together. So today your mad, tomorrow she may be, you deal with it, and solve your issues together. Don't ever be jealous, or insecure, either as those emotions destroy reason, and positive action and magnify small things into big mountains. Your lady is independent, so don't be intimidated. Just express yourself honestly, and take one day at a time.

[High Max]

What do you guys think would be a good way to tell her that I don't appreciate her giving him rides on our time? I think it may be a little too far to tell her I don't want to be with her because of this.

[N0help4u]

Tell her you need to work out an agreement because you want some consistency and some consideration. That you do not want to be second fiddle making you feel like you aren't as important as her friends. Assure her you are okay with her independence but you like to know you can count on your time together.

[talaniman]

I thought you did already?

[High Max]

Yeah I know what you mean I told her that I feel like I'm her lowest priority and she says it isn't true. Meh, I may have to get tough with her real soon if she doesn't start respecting me more. She justifies her actions by thinking that giving this kid a ride home since supposedly "nobody else" has a car that he knows and his aunt/uncle are mean to him and won't give him rides makes it the right thing to do, since he is her friend or else he would have to walk. While I understand that, maybe he shouldn't have a damn job if he can't get there and back, which I said but she didn't really know what to say to that.

She thinks that she has to be a good person and always help people, and that if I don't agree that helping him when he is in need all the time that I am negative etc.

[talaniman]

One of the reasons I say to pick your battles carefully is that making a big issue out of a small one, causes conflicts. She obviously feels different, and as you said he has a pregnant g/f, so she does what she can. Some things we accept in our partners. If you can't, then its your issue to deal with it, and how you cope is a defining part of what a relationship is about. Honestly I don't think she will change her mind about it. As I have said before don't rehash it. I wouldn't. I don't know of any one whose partner does what they want all the time. If that's your only issue, your lucky.

[chuff]

High Max,

While reading all these posts I come to the conclusion that workedtohard stated in his first email and I'm sorry to say you are failing. She is testing you. From the outside looking in, it's perfectly obvious. You don't see it, because your blind by love and I don't think you realize how women act. You see things logically, but women see things emotionally. One of the ways they test your emotions is to create situations they know you don't like to see what your reaction will be to a situation. A woman wants the strongest man in the pack, and they judge strength by how you react to them. She does this and then makes excuses to get a response from you. You can not demand respect by forcing it on her. You must demostrate it by your actions. If she tells you to do something you don't like you must stand up for yourself. If she continues to do it, you must tell her that you won't tolerate it and you will leave. Then you must follow through if she pushes you.

[Homegirl 50]

High Max,

While reading all these posts I come to the conclusion that workedtohard stated in his first email and I'm sorry to say you are failing. She is testing you. From the outside looking in, it's perfectly obvious. You don't see it, because your blind by love and I don't think you realize how women act. You see things logically, but women see things emotionally. One of the ways they test your emotions is to create situations they know you don't like to see what your reaction will be to a situation. A woman wants the strongest man in the pack, and they judge strength by how you react to them. She does this and then makes excuses to get a response from you. You can not demand respect by forcing it on her. You must demostrate it by your actions. If she tells you to do something you don't like you must stand up for yourself. If she continues to do it, you must tell her that you won't tolerate it and you will leave. Then you must follow through if she pushes you.

While this may be true for some women, it certainly isn't true for all of us and unless you know this is what she is doing, I would not advise it.
You're dating her, you don't tell her what you won't tolerate just because she sees no problem with giving a kid a ride to and from work.
As talaniman says, choose your battles wisely, don't go off half cocked over something like this. If this is the only thing she does, I say get over it.

[Homegirl 50]

I still say you guys are just not on the same page. Her choice of friends are not suitable to you and she has a problem with how you feel about them, you want to spend more time with her than she wants with you. She does not see a future with you because she feels you're too judgemental.
You dated for a year had a break up and now things are rocky again.
I'm thinking this is not a match.
JMHO

[Mom of 2]

I absolutely agree with the last poster. Although I know that some women play games, this does not mean that ALL women play games. Men have the ability to play games as well. I mean, what do you guys think you are doing when you don't call a girl for 3 or so days after a date, even if you really want to. I think it is absolute hogwash that you must strut around like a proud peacock, demanding that you get respect. You get respect when you give it.

Now, with that said, I do believe that you are being taken advantage of. It is a matter of setting boundaries. Calmly talk to her about how this makes you FEEL, not that you won't tolerate it. You have a right to let her that this bothers you, but do it in a manner that will not result in a knee jerk response from her or from you. If you place any demands on anyone in an ultimatum kind of way, human nature will take over and the person becomes defensive and takes on the mode, "No one is going to tell ME what to do!!" Then nothing gets resolved and the relationship ends. As my boyfriend constantly reminds me, you can get more bees with honey.