[Wondergirl]

And now my biggest problems are that people keep telling me that if he goes in the army hes going to forget about me and find another girl while hes there.
People think hes cheating on me. and all this stuff.
And he's a sociopath so idk how to put up with that.
Wondergirl, ive told you the most about this. And your the only person that hasnt given up on me. Thanks. What do you think? do you think he would do that?

Where would he find another girl while he's in the Army? He'll be with guys, not girls.

Ok. What would your plan be for him after he graduates? Do you have a better idea than the Army?

[beth911]

My brother found a girlfriend when he was in the marines. And someone else said that their friend went in the army and forgot all about his girlfriend and met another girlfriend while he was there

[jrebel7]

Thats it? I dont get like any real good help? anyone who understands and knows exactly what to do?

Beth, I am using a quote from one of your first pages of posts because there have now been 420 posts, many people taking their time and energy who are basically trying to share with you what is best in a situation like yours and that is to bail. Walk and don't look back. If he loves you, he will return to you. If he doesn't, nothing you can do will ever change that.

The energy you have put into a person who is not returning your love, who is doing his own thing time after time, should be a red flag to you to start giving yourself some respect and be open to another who will return your love, give you respect and not make you so miserable.

If he looks sad, he can always call you. You are always available to him. He knows that.

Give yourself some credit for being a human being who can stand strong, accept what is obvious. If he is hiding truth from you about his feelings, his need to tell you those feelings will drive him to do so. If you do not hear from him, you will know you misread him.

You say you don't believe in God, yet you have had dreams you asked for to help guide you and the dreams appear from your post to be saying there is someone else out there who will want to hold your hand, want to love you. God does exist and He wants good for your life. He wants to lead you to someone who can bless you with acceptance and love and give you all this guy cannot and will not.

Make a decision for you. He walked away a long time ago. I know that hurts your heart. It would mine also but I would hope someone would say to me, what I am saying to you, "Walk away, regain your self respect as the person you are meant to be. Fill your life with positive, healthy emotions and when those hurtful feelings and doubts that you are doing the right thing surface, cast them down from your mind. Start living in the present and not in the past. You have a bright future but as long as you struggle to hold on to the possibility of this guy returning to you, you have made your own prison." Break free Beth and live your live with boldness, strength, self-respect.

Be thankful for those who have stood with you as you hurt, appreciate their kindness. Repay that kindness by becoming the person they are hoping for you to become, happy, strong and independent. You can do this... it will be difficult, you have placed yourself in a never ending circle of unhappiness and panic. Make a decision in your head, your heart will follow. As you begin to wean away from the "drama" of this situation, I promise you, you will look back and be sad for the time you have put into a person who offered very little in return. Most guys want to hold onto some tiny part of each women they have dated, you know, just in case the next one doesn't work out. You are allowing him and yourself to dictate how you live every day.

CHOOSE WELL BETH! YOUR WHOLE FUTURE DEPENDS ON THE CHOICES YOU MAKE TODAY, THE NEXT MORNING, THE NEXT MORNING, AND SO ON.

I would venture to bet that most people who have posted to you have had similar experiences in their lives where they were crazy about a guy who once was Mr. Wonderful then moved on yet tried to hang on, just a bit. That is why as you look for someone to tell you what you want to hear, you are finding people telling you what you need to hear.

I wish you the best but only you can make that happen.

[Wondergirl]

Two guys out of kazillions that go into the military... If you make yourself interesting while he's away, he's coming looking for you.

What do you think he should do when he's out of h.s. (if he doesn't join the Army)?

[jrebel7]

Wondergirl agrees: Trouble is, he's come back and things have been good lately. Intermittent reinforcement.

My point exactly! He is intermittent in his attention and commitment. The trouble as I see it is not so much that he comes back and things have been good from time to time but that Beth is willing to allow him to continue the same pattern over and over and over again which only causes her pain. From her posts, he is back, things are good, he is gone, he is happy flirting with someone else and such with someone else, Beth is caused pain, he is back, he is gone and so it continues. My concern is not for him, but Beth and her self-respect, and future happiness. I don't want to see her establish a pattern by habit to allow guys to continue to do to her what this guy has done. Put it to him once, next time he is gone, have some self-control and say "No thank you!" Every End Is A New Beginning! New beginnings are exciting and healthy and offer a future, not a constant instant replay that causes pain. I am not saying it is an easy decision but just saying it is a healthy one emotionally.

[Wondergirl]

I don't want to see her establish a pattern by habit to allow guys to continue to do to her what this guy has done. Put it to him once, next time he is gone, have some self-control and say "No thank you!" Every End Is A New Beginning! New beginnings are exciting and healthy and offer a future, not a constant instant replay that causes pain. I am not saying it is an easy decision but just saying it is a healthy one emotionally.

For several months, Clough and Grammadidi and I and many others have said exactly that, to no avail. Unfortunately, we cannot be there to hold her hand and give her advice when he calls or comes around or when they see each other at school. When she finally got herself together enough to ignore him and start making a life without him, he noticed and rang her chimes. She unfortunately opened the door.

Intellectually, she knows what she should do.

[jrebel7]

For several months, Clough and Grammadidi and I and many others have said exactly that, to no avail. Unfortunately, we cannot be there to hold her hand and give her advice when he calls or comes around or when they see each other at school. When she finally got herself together enough to ignore him and start making a life without him, he noticed and rang her chimes. She unfortunately opened the door.

Intellectually, she knows what she should do.

True, one cannot hold another's hand and be there at each turn. At some point, Beth will have to make healthy choices on her own. That is why I wrote to her. To encourage her to do so. I know that Craig and Didi and Tal and many other's have been there to try to help her and encourage her to do the same as I encouraged her to do in my post.

Perhaps intellectually, she knows what she should do but I don't think it hurt anything for me to post to her and encourage her to have some personal growth in her life. She will find her way in time. I have no doubt. It is nice that she has had you to bounce things off as she struggles through this situation. The more input one receives, the more perspective one is able to grasp. Sometimes I have heard the same thing several times, perhaps something as simple as a well-known quote and always liked it but because of a certain circumstance I was in at a particular time and I heard it again, I was more open to the full truth and understanding of it's meaning. So the more Beth reads of other's perspectives, the more she will be able to make up her own mind and reach a happier place. I believe we are all pulling for her to be happy.

[beth911]

Like I've mentioned and makes sense... he's a sociopath. That pretty much explains it all.

[beth911]

I know he loves me but its like he's afraid to show it.. possibly because of how his family is and how he was raised. He doesn't show it all the time and it makes me wonder. He does other things that make me wonder. But then he does a lot for me and I know he really loves me. But its like he doesn't fell like a "man" if he shows it. But sometimes he does anyway. But I can't understand him, because to me if you love someone, you show it all the time. I just think that's how it should be. And that's where all out problems are. Because I get on him about it and then he gets mad at me for that. And that's really our main problem but it leads to a lot of big problems. What should I do? I'm really glad that I finally noticed where the problem starts. Now if I could change that, it could make everything get a little better. Please help me

[starbuck8]

Have you ever told him in a non-confrontational manner how you feel? I sense that the two of you don't communicate the way you should. I don't buy the whole "not feeling like a man" thing at all. What are the "other" things he's done? It might provide more insight.

Also, the more you push him, the more he is going to back away. Maybe you are pushing too hard? If you do that, he will back away even further. You said yourself that you "get on him" about it, and he gets mad. Well stop getting on him. You can't make him do or feel anything he doesn't want to. Nothing you do can convince him, unless he wants to do it himself.

Stop bugging him about it completely, if you want him to stick around. You are expecting him to act the way you act, and he's either not ready, or doesn't want to. You can't change that.

[talaniman]

If you can't accept him the way he is, and deal with it, you don't have a relationship! You can't change anyone.

[beth911]

I been with my boyfriend for a little over 3 years and he isn't the romantic type at all and ever since our parents found out about us having sex he never wants to go to each others houses. And he won't go in any stores with me or anything because he hates going places and he like to just be stuck in the house all day or be outside some place. He won't even go with me somewhere really quick to just pick up one thing. But some how I still know that he loves me even though he doesn't always show it like he should.
So, I am really close friends with my brothers fiancé. And a guy she works with names adam likes me and he is a really sweat guy. He just wants to love someone and to be loved. And I decided it wouldn't hurt much to be just friends with him because I don't have many friends anyway so I'll be friends with anyone that I know doesn't hate me. Well a couple days ago me and adam started texting each other and last night we met at my brothers house and left to go hang out. I let him drive my car and when he went to give me my keys back when I went to grab the keys he grabed my hand. And we just kind of walked around wal mart just because it was the only place open past midnight.
He kept trying to kiss me but I wouldn't let him. And every time we would hug or anythng I just felt like running away. I just didn't feel right about it. But he is such a nice guy and I know that if I was with him that he would treat me exactly how I want to be treated.
But its not him that I want. I want the guy I been with for 3 years. And I want him to be more like the other guy. I haven't given up on him yet and because I haven't given up I gave him time to slowly change into a better person and in 2 years he is about half way there. Its just that we never see each other when we know we could and we never have anything to do and nothing to talk about and I feel like we are almost nothing nymore. Like we been married for a long time or something.
I don't know its really confusing and I don't think I really worded this the way that I should have worded it.
Is it considered cheating to hold hands with another guy, even though you kind of just feel sorry for him and you know that there is nothing there?
And I was really sad that my boyfriend called and I missed his call because I was hanging out with another guy. But I can't tell him anything because he will leave me and I can't let that happen. I just don't want this to go on anymore but now that I see that I could have a better guy I'm just so confused. But really I don't want anyone else at all. And I don't want to hurt either of them. They are just being themselves.
What should I do?

[artlady]

First of all you do not know that this new guy would treat you the way you want to be treated. No one can predict the future.

There are going to be things about your loved ones that you don't like.Just as I am sure there are things your BF does not like about you.You take the good with the bad and accept them for who they are. And if you can't do that you move on and allow them the opportunity to meet someone who they are more compatible with.

You can't change people and if by some miracle you get them to conform to your wishes you are going to have a resentful guy on your hands who is going to wish he never met you.

In my book,holding hands is cheating.

The only way to improve your relationship is to be open and honest and respect the differences between the two of you and learn to compromise.

[sully123]

Beth 911, I think your not being honest with yourself. Your looking for love in the wrong place. Your boyfriend in unavailable to you, that's a red flag, its going to get worst. This other guy you met, you don't know if he will be the good guy your looking for. I think you need time for yourself, and forget the guys right now.

[ThatGuy2]

The fact that you feel the need to hide this from your significant other, shows just how guilty you feel about all this. You are not focused on your current boyfriend for companionship and using excuses like you feel sorry for Adam, unfortunately, just doesn't cut it. In my opinion, you are cheating (maybe I'm biased). Is this the reason why some guys don't like their girls making other guy friends? Maybe. I mean, how would you feel if you found out your boyfriend was holding hands with another girl and spending time with them behind your back. Who the heck cares what the reasoning is, you just don't do it!

You guys have been together for 3 years. You need to handle things in a mature and responsible way or all will be lost. Like the other posts have mentioned, you know nothing about Adam. Some people tend to keep their masks on in the earlier stages (then again some never take it off to the point where it doesn't matter anymore). If your going to give up on your 3 year relationship, then at least have some decency and respect for your boyfriend and tell him what's going on. However, if you give in this easily every time something better comes along, I can tell you that you won't have many successful relationships in the future. I can also tell you that there will always be someone better out there. You may have already, but I suggest reading or rereading the stickies in the forum.

We encounter endless temptations throughout our lives and the decisions we make in response is basically what defines who we are. Do yourself a favor and don't allow yourself to be labeled as the cheater.

[zeeniee]

I think your not happy with the way things are with your current boyfriend- if that is the case- sort that out and end that relationship.

You can't change your boyfriend to be how you would like him to be- he either is or he is not...

The fact that you like someone else-- should tell you deep down the current boyfriend your with may not be the one?

I think you need to really sit down and thinking about everything- if he is not the one- let him go- DO NOT CHEAT- that will be a very low thing to do.

[Fr_Chuck]

YOu are already "hanging out" with someone else, so that is already cheating, just not having sex, you are giving your time and emotions to someone else.

It sounds like you are very young, living at home parents involved?

[talaniman]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ip-163044.html

Is this the same guy you might cheat on?

[beth911]

Yeah that's the same guy.
And today, adam got all mad and said that the whole thing was just a lie and that he never liked me in the first place but I also heard from someone else that that wasn't true.
And because of all of this I feel like I have realised that me and my boyfriend never go do anything togther and he never wants to go anywhere or do anything and he doesn't want to hold hands out in public or anythng. He won't even come over to my house anymore or let me at his house if parents are arounnd. I'm 17 he is 19 and adam is almost 21. At least adam was holding my hand out in public and wanting to go places with me and do stuff... my boyfriend is really plain and never wants to do anything or even really talk about anything and I'm getting bored with the relationship. I awore on everything for the past 3 years that I couldn't ever leave him and that I would always love him and I think I finally got myself to understand that I will be OK with out him if I could just find someone else who can make me happier because all he ever does is try to make me mad and he thinks its funny.
But right now neither of them will talk to me and I don't know what to do at all. My boyfriend won't talk to me because I mentioned that I think he needs to quit holding me back in life and that we should do more together and that I want to see him more and he just told me to leave him then.

[Romefalls19]

Why do you feel the need to jump into a relationship right after a 3 year relationship? That's not healthy, you have to find yourself again and not depend on someone always being there to cushion the fall