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moneyhungryxwif · Apr 5, 2008, 08:58 AM

I am a father whom has re-married and have a little one on the way I have shared custody of my 6yo boys and am paying $500 a month child support to their mother but she does not care for them like she should financially. I foot the bill for clothes and hair cuts etc. I want to get a reduction or do away with the support all together. I am changing jobs and need a reduction to support my family now . I have been through the ringer with her she has been getting married to every man that she meets and having the boys around them overnight or moves in with them . What would you suggest.

charlotte234s · Apr 5, 2008, 09:01 AM

I suggest that if you don't think she's a good mother that you petition for sole custody and then she will pay you child support and you can make sure they are being cared for properly.

JudyKayTee · Apr 5, 2008, 09:23 AM

Originally Posted by moneyhungryxwif

I am a father whom has re-married and have a little one on the way I have shared custody of my 6yo boys and am paying $500 a month child support to their mother but she does not care for them like she should financially. I foot the bill for clothes and hair cuts etc. I want to get a reduction or do away with the support all together. I am changing jobs and need a reduction to support my family now . I have been through the ringer with her she has been getting married to every man that she meets and having the boys around them overnight or moves in with them . what would you suggest.

And I would suggest that doing away with child support "all together" will only harm, the 6 year old boys. Whether you have another child your "first family" still needs to eat.

NYS Courts do not accept changing jobs as a reason for reduced support but I don't know where you live.

If your ex is placing your children in an abusive situation or if they are being harmed then you need to go back to Court and file for full custody. How many times has your ex remarried since the divorce?

moneyhungryxwif · Apr 5, 2008, 05:56 PM

When I stated I wanted to support "my family now" that included my two boys. I keep them every other week and in addition to paying child support every month, I support them when they live with me and my new wife. My new wife could support herself if you want to get technical. She is a college graduate and works as a counselor...

I would petition the court for sole custody but it is not that easy. My ex has had me arrested several times and almost tried for lying to the court because of these arrests. The charges were dropped but they are still present on my record. She has family who live the cycle of lies that she lives and would willfully lie for her... In Virginia it seems that the court system leans more towards the female, too.

I need my support changed because I support my children and I take care of them. I don't get $500.00/month food stamps like my ex who is willfully unemployed because her side of the support would change my amount if she was employed. Why should I pay for her artificial nails, make-up, home interiors, schwann's foods, etc. My children are taken care of when me and my wife have them... not when they are with her. Did I also mention that my ex wife gets $300.00 a month for a child she doesn't even have? She keeps that support check and her mother takes care of her other child. Does that sound like a great mother to you.

I feel like if I get a job raise then my children would reap the benefits of that raise, too. If I am a good father I will provide for my children and if your ex husband is a good man then your children will reap those benefits as well.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 5, 2008, 07:36 PM

Never said it was easy but no, if you were not convicted and the charges were droped for no evidence or not guilty that is acutally good, not bad since it shows a pattern of her lies.

But you will be paying support unless you get custody, and the payment is based off your income and some states her income also.

cdad · Apr 6, 2008, 07:11 AM

You need to go back to court and see what they say. If you have them every other week ( meaning overnights and all ) then you have joint custody and that's a lot of child support to be paying for joint custody. If your initial custody was different and you changed it and didn't go back to change the support order ( both separate issues ) then you need to go back and change the support order.

twinkiedooter · Apr 6, 2008, 11:00 AM

I have no idea where you get the $500 a month food stamps figure from. She has to do some kind of "work" to actually earn this money. They don't just hand it out anymore like they used to do. She has to work somewhere like in a Goodwill Industries plant making things or working somewhere do earn the food stamps. She also has to prove her income (or lack thereof) and also has to prove her rent and utilities to qualify for food stamps. Just how is she able to do this and STILL get child support? She should not be able to get the amount of food stamps you think she does. She also has to keep being requalified and reassessed on a regular basis. How is she able to afford an apartment or house rent when she is unemployed? Don't quite get the scenerio here at all. Something is being left out. She can't also be getting "welfare" from the state as they kind of did away with that a few years ago. Also the fact that you pay her a monthly child support amount that is not enough to support the kids (but you still pay something) and her to live on... how does the state give her $500 a month food stamps?

moneyhungryxwif · Apr 8, 2008, 06:13 AM

She has 2 different adresses in 2 different counties. She knows how to work the system and has for years. She has a friend @ social services that helps her. Its not the fact of me paying child support but at least spend some of it on the kids.. that's my gripe... she cares nothing for the kids all they are to her is a pay-day and a tax return. She works places just long enough to have a work history.she does not claim my child support to social services therefore it looks like I pay nothing. I keep every receipt and make copies just in case, I have already been to court for her saying I don't pay. Seems like the DRAMA never ends. Whenever she is with someone I get some peace but when things get rocky for her or they split she vents toward me.trouble seems to stir up then a day later it is OK then the cycle starts over.. seems like a no win situation...

JudyKayTee · Apr 8, 2008, 07:08 AM

Originally Posted by moneyhungryxwif

She has 2 different adresses in 2 different counties. she knows how to work the system and has for years. she has a friend @ social services that helps her. its not the fact of me paying child support but at least spend some of it on the kids.. thats my gripe...she cares nothin for the kids all they are to her is a pay-day and a tax return. she works places just long enough to have a work history.she does not claim my child support to social services therefore it looks like i pay nothin. I keep every receipt and make copies just in case, i have already been to court for her saying i dont pay. Seems like the DRAMA never ends. Whenever she is with someone i get some peace but when things get rocky for her or they split she vents toward me.trouble seems to stir up then a day later it is ok then the cycle starts over..seems like a no win situation.....

Your original question (as I recall) involved your proposed request for a reduction in child support because you have another child on the way. Now it seems it is more complicated than that. Social Services should be on the State-wide computer and her addresses in different Counties shouldn't matter. If she is collecting twice, report her. If the children are neglected, move for full custody. You said she marries every guy she meets - how many times has she been married since the divorce?

Was she "working the system" when you were married or is this a surprise to you?

My other thought is to stop letting her control your life - your screen name says it all. At some point what she thinks/feels/does should become less important to you - and I know it's hard to do that.

moneyhungryxwif · Apr 9, 2008, 06:46 AM

Nothing suprises me about this women, and no I would not stand for her doing that crap and she knew that. There are people in the world that actually need the help of social services. She has not been married yet but she tells everyone including my children that she is getting married and these men are going to be their new daddy.. sick huh. As far as controlling my life she did that for 11 years and she only controls my life in reference to my children because she knows that is the only way to get to me.I wish that she would get married and give me the children and for her to move as far away from us as possible.My children want to spend more time with me already and that pisses her off.She is in fear of losing her financial stability.

JudyKayTee · Apr 9, 2008, 07:07 AM

Originally Posted by moneyhungryxwif

Nothing suprises me about this women, and no I would not stand for her doing that crap and she knew that. There are people in the world that actually need the help of social services. She has not been married yet but she tells everyone including my children that she is getting married and these men are going to be their new daddy..sick huh. As far as controlling my life she did that for 11 years and she only controls my life in reference to my children because she knows that is the only way to get to me.I wish that she would get married and give me the children and for her to move as far away from us as possible.My children want to spend more time with me already and that pisses her off.She is in fear of loosing her financial stability.

I will say this gently as I can because I know you are upset and this whole situation is terrible.

As long as your screen name is moneyhungryxwif you are most definitely not moving on. You can't control what she says or does (apparently), you can only control the way you handle it. And it's not over until you say it's over. And you have to concentrate more on protecting your kids and less on your money hungry ex-wife.

At one time I was dating a divorced dad. A Police Officer, in fact, not that it makes a difference. His daughter at the time was about 10 or 11, his boys were about 6 and 8, the mother had custody, we were at father's softball game, I was sitting with the kids and they said something about never knowing who would be at the breakfast table at Mom's. My hair stood on end. They had never told their father all of what was going on because he would get angry so they told me. Needless to say many sets of papers, appearances and hearings later - and it was an uphill fight involving psychologists - custody got changed. For whatever reason she couldn't or wouldn't keep bringing men around - same thing you've got going on, they were all going to be the new daddy for a month or two and then they disappeared. We eventually went our separate ways although we're still in contact and I see the kids a couple of times a year but it was a difficult time for all of them and I still see the trauma in his kids.

Some things stay with you forever and this sure did!

It's amazing what kids pick up on - the youngest one was born after his parents had separated but before they divorced and one day he said, "Did you know I'm a bastard?" I almost choked. I asked where he heard that and the kids at school said so. Apparently that was the opinion of some big mouth neighbor whose kid heard her say it and repeated it but it's funny what sticks with kids. Obviously that situation got straightened out but I've always wondered about the kids of unmarried parents - just how much they suffer or get teased.

Sorry for rambling but I thought some of this might be pertinent.

twinkiedooter · Apr 9, 2008, 11:05 AM

Like I said earlier - how does she get away with a $500 food stamp allocation? How does she collect "welfare"? If you are so knowledgeable about these things like you claim you are - WHY don't you call up the supervisors in each county and report her? You seem to want us here to give you some miraculous answer but you are the one with the power to shut her down and get her in huge trouble to boot. Pick up the phone and make 2 phone calls. How hard is that to do considering you are the one with all the info - including the name of her friend who is helping her. Don't you think this friend also helps other system cheats? I for one, don't want to keep paying her salary considering what she is doing is punishable by law and she is in a trusted beauracratic job and should be soundly punished for this behavior. Do you like paying this cheat's salary?

cdad · Apr 9, 2008, 12:42 PM

Have you given thought to hiring a PI to follow her and create a paper trail ? If activities like that are going on then there has to be records of it somewhere. And its those records that can hang her. Really for the sake of your kids you need to get to the bottom of all this so you and your children can move onward. I know first hand how fuit loop an ex can be and how demanding courts can be but you can get it straightened out and move onward. JudyKayTee is right.. you can't hold on and keep the fight going and going. It all needs to end.