Check out some similar questions!

Depressed in MO · Mar 3, 2006, 03:43 PM

This is the first time I have been here. I need some serious help.
I have been with my man for 6 years now. My story is long, so I will sum it up to get to the botom line... I feel it deep in my heart that he is cheating on me. He lies to me, he is unavailable all the time, I cannot ever get ahold of him on his cell phone, and when I ask him where he was or what he was doing, he blows up at me and tells me I'm a *****. He says "...and you wonder why I never do anything or go anywhere with you." I promise you this, he has no reason to say that because I do not blow up at him (even though I want to), I do not go "psycho" on him or complain and gripe. I just simply ask him questions-that he obviously does not want to answer. We have three kids-only two are his, but he has been known to be "dad" to the other one since we got together when she was really young. He has been in and out of prison twice, the second time was for violating his probation because he hit the girl he was dating and her step dad pressed charges. I stayed together with him through all of this in hopes that it would show how much I really loved him. I know stupid right? Yes it is, but I thought that by being "perfect" and always being on his side no matter if he was wrong or right would make him love me as much as I loved him. Why did I ever love him? He was not always like this. I fell in love with who he pretended to be and after things changed, I guess I still hoped that he really was that way and maybe he was just going through a phase. I know what I need to do... but I don't have the courage to leave him, and even I don't know why. Any advice is greatly appreciated... thank you.

Fr_Chuck · Mar 3, 2006, 04:05 PM

I see all the signs in your writings of someone on the edge of being emotionally abused and controlled. You can't be perfect none of us can, and he has to love and accept you just the way you are. Often men want women to believe that a lot of the trouble is there fault because they are not good enough, this is a very common situation.

Next he is not wanting to or planning on changing. He it hit his girl friend of some time ago, it is only down the road for him to hit you if he has not already.

Next is he home after work, or does he stay out, when is it you can't get hold of him. A husband and a father has responsibility to be home and taking care of their family after work.

Also you are doing the children more harm having them witness and see this type of relatonship than a separation can ever have on them. They are learning how to be a father and husband from watching his actions and this is the guideline they are learning to live by.

fredg · Mar 4, 2006, 09:12 AM

Hi,
My first marriage ended in Divorce after 7 yrs, and it was the best thing that happened, as far as the two children were concerned. The constant fighting was really affecting them.
It does seem like you are in a "no-win" situation with him, and it really would be best for you and the children to move out; or tell him to leave; if you financially can.
He probably will NOT go with you to a Marriage Counselor, and try to work this out. So, your only hope is to go talk with a Lawyer, or just stay with him and put it with it for the rest of your life.
I highly suggest the Lawyer. I do wish you the best of luck.

talaniman · Mar 4, 2006, 03:04 PM

Since your eyes are wide open and you know what you need to do then you've answered your own question. Is there someone you could talk to a preacher an older person or even a counselor to air your feelings and concerns and get some feedback as to how to proceed? You really need someone close and trusted to talk to as soon as possible.:cool:

scaredgal · Mar 4, 2006, 04:28 PM

I understand how you feel. I have been through that feeling before I think it is pretty common. Even though we know change would be the right thing to do it is still very difficult to drastically alter your life. Especially with children in the picture. We tend to stick with what is familiar because we know what to expect in that situation. You are coming into new ground and it's scary as heck.

One thing that finally helped me leave my youngest child's father was to sit down and make yourself a list of all the reasons to stay with that person, and all the reasons to leave. Be honest with yourself in the list and you will see which side has more on it. Also when was the last time you had a great day with him? Heard him say I love you and knew deep in your heart he meant it? Sat around the dinner table as a family and calmly talked about the day's events? Took your kids to the park as a couple and smiled at them playing and laughing? Held hands? Made love till you thought you wouldn't walk for a week :P then just slept in each others arms?

You and your children deserve that type of life and IT IS out there. When I left my youngest son's father I thought for sure I would never find a man willing to love me again. I was already divorced and now had 3 children, plus being overweight and broke. BUT I did, I found someone who not only wanted us but thinks he is the lucky one. If I can find someone to take on my airport's worth of baggage then honey you can to :).

Leave that creep before he inflicts serious emotional and/or physical pain on those kids, get a lawyer and get custody RIGHT AWAY. Then just take some time to get to know yourself again, rediscover things you used to love to do before he started controlling your life like reading, gardening, hiking, museums, or anything else you did for fun that you don't do now cause HE doesn't like to do it. Take time to heal you and your children. Consider therapy for all of you because you can use the support and the kids may need to talk it out with a psychologist so they can move past this mess to.

One day when you and the children are ready for it the right guy will come along and you will be SOOO glad you dumped this loser.

I know you don't know me but if you ever need to talk I would be more than willing to listen, my email addy is on my profile :)

blueiman · Mar 5, 2006, 08:10 AM

Bottom line, do you really want to be with a man who treats you this way?. NO! Find someone with the qualities you are looking for in a relationship. Why in the world would you want/love a person who treats you this way I will never know. Good luck.

bizygurl · Mar 5, 2006, 02:06 PM

First of all he does sound like a man with a guilty conscious. Second like someone else stated above, it seems as though you know what he's all about and now you need to make a decision about it. You can't change someone, they have to be willing to change for themselves before they can for someone else. He doesn't sound like he wants to or will change.

Wildcat21 · Mar 5, 2006, 02:39 PM

I's move on - you've seen enough of this man for the rest of your life. I doubt it gets any better.

He DOESN'T respect you. You DON'T trust him. Without trust and respect you have nothing - zero.

jeffatl · Mar 5, 2006, 04:52 PM

The thing that you have to do in a relationship while it is in "crisis" it figure out A) the severity of the situation B) what the relationship REALLY means to you C) your options other than the relationship that you are in. True relationships have their problems, and that in itself should never be a reason to bail if it is meaningful. The thing is, you don't HAVE to be with someone, you should WANT to be with someone. Weigh your options, comfront about the issue, and take it from there. Right now all you have is "a feeling", validate or dismiss it, then go from there.

Wildcat21 · Mar 5, 2006, 09:30 PM

Generally, if you feel they are cheating, 90% of the time the are - you have the gut feeling, and they usually are.

milliec · Apr 18, 2006, 08:20 AM

Dear!
I wasn't aware of this thread yesterday when I replied to another thread you posted.
I can see how complex the whole thing is, keeping in mind other threads you've posted here.
I still that you must first be helped by a counsellor, this will help you in with all the aspects of your life - and you need it also in order to leave this guy - you must do it for your sake and for your kids as well. Many things will improve when you do.
Take care,
And write , this will help as well.
Millie :)

Depressed in MO · Apr 18, 2006, 08:53 AM

Originally Posted by milliec

dear!
I wasn't aware of this thread yesterday when i replied to another thread you posted.
I can see how complex the whole thing is, keeping in mind other threads you've posted here.
I still that you must first be helped by a counsellor, this will help you in with all the aspects of your life - and you need it also in order to leave this guy - you must do it for your sake and for your kids as well. many things will improve when you do.
Take care,!
and write , this will help as well.
Millie :)

This is the very first time I ever posted here, which was a couple of months ago. Right now I don't see how leaving this guy will make things any easier-he is about to go to prison again, we will know Thursday of this week. I'm so scared.

milliec · Apr 18, 2006, 09:07 AM

Originally Posted by Depressed in MO

I'm so scared.

What are you scared of?
Him going to prison? You being alone?
How he's going to treat you until Thursday?
Are you working?
Can you provide for yourself and the kids?
With him in prison, and 3 kids at hoe (how old are they?) I know it's going to be tough, but you'be be entitled to counselling. I don't live in the States, but I think that there should be supporting counselling available for people in your situation, and I mean for free.
If you can get such help, make do it!
For how long is he going to prison?
In any case, you should consider what's best for you and your kids, you must make a life for all of you, away from him.
The fact that your older daughter sees him as his father, is not working in her beat interest either: what kind of model this parent gives her? What will be her perception of life as an adult woman when she sees the way you're treated. You know he lies to you and cheats on you - what makes you still be there?
You love him?
Please love yourself before you love him, love yourself and your kids first thing.
I'm sure there's a lot you can love about yourself, and you do have to love yourself and your kids before anything else.
I'm sure you'd like a better life for the 4 of you.
Do you have any family around which might help?
TAke care,
Millie

Depressed in MO · Apr 18, 2006, 09:40 AM

Originally Posted by milliec

What are you scared of?
him going to prison? you being alone?
how he's going to treat you until Thursday?
are you working?
can you provide for yourself and the kids?
with him in prison, and 3 kids at hoe (how old are they?) i know it's going to be tough, but you'be be entitled to counselling. I don't live in the States, but I think that there should be supporting counselling available for people in your situation, and i mean for free.
if you can get such help, make do it!
for how long is he going to prison?
in any case, you should consider what's best for you and your kids, you must make a life for all of you, away from him.
the fact that your older daughter sees him as his father, is not working in her beat interest either: what kind of model this parent gives her? what will be her perception of life as an adult woman when she sees the way you're treated. you know he lies to you and cheats on you - what makes you still be there?
you love him?
Please love yourself before you love him, love yourself and your kids first thing.
i'm sure there's a lot you can love about yourself, and you do have to love yourself and your kids before anything else.
i'm sure you'd like a better life for the 4 of you.
Do you have any family around which might help?
TAke care,
Millie

Millie, we should probably be PM-ing each other. I don't know if he is going to prison, he probably is, we will find out on Thurs. My oldest daughter doesn't really see him as "dad"-he has just been the only male role model in her life ever since she was very little. They don't really have a close bonded relationship. Kids are 8,4, and 18 mo. (two girls and one boy) Daycare sucks up all of my money. I'll figure something out, I always do-I"m just sick of it you know?

Wildcat21 · Apr 18, 2006, 10:09 AM

Depressed in MO,

Not sure why you keep supporting this guy? He has no redeeming qualities.

You need to get that guy out of your life. He WILL be a terrible influence on your kids life.

No offense, but didn't I say he was going to jail? That's where he was going to end up.

This guy is bad news, he will never change. How do you stay with him?

You should have nothing to do with him. I mean, after all you told me - I see nothing good about this guy

Wildcat21 · Apr 18, 2006, 10:10 AM

"just been the only male role model in her life" - ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

milliec · Apr 18, 2006, 10:15 AM

Originally Posted by Depressed in MO

Millie, we should probably be PM-ing each other.

Feell free to PM me whenever you need,
Millie :) :) :)

talaniman · Apr 18, 2006, 10:16 AM

I suspect that being away from him will be the best thing for you! He doesn't sound like the best role model for your kids any way. I know you love this guy ,but I feel being on your own, working through your own life without the added stress would be great for your peace of mind and self esteem especially once you find out you're a great person on your own. You just need a little help so a counselor and a doctor may help more than you think. Its OK to be scared you are not alone. Good luck!:cool: :)

milliec · Apr 18, 2006, 10:31 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

. Its ok to be scared you are not alone. Good luck!:cool: :)

Hi _ It's me, again - I agree with Talaniman about being scared when you're alone, but even though it's only virtual presence, we're still here to help you with the moral support net, and WE DO CARE!
Millie

Depressed in MO · Apr 18, 2006, 10:32 AM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

"just been the only male role model in her life" - ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

I feel the same way.
I don't know for sure if he is going to jail or not, but he very well could. I will know on Thursday. These past few days he's been the best as he ever could be, but I can't find it in myself to go along with it because I keep dwelling on the past. It's real hard, nobody understands that.