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 Originally Posted by talaniman
I am sorry that you understoond the whole thing as trolling you for attention thing! If you call helping someone in truble and listening to someone who can't bear it all alone.. a trolling for attention then I AM SORRY... I bothered you... You don't know how I feel about it,. and I am not giving impression I am a caring person.. because I REALLY DO CARE... I don't want to lose this friend... I want to do the impossible not to lose him... and all what you are telling me is to tell the truth... if I did that I will lose my friend... if I continue lying I will hurt myself and him as well... That's why I seek help... because I couldn't do it by my own... and at the top of that.. I needed someone to know what I did... because I believe it will make me feel better... to let someone knows about it... since I've been keeping it all inside! About the Consequences!! Who told you that I am not willing to pay them... you don't know me.. I could do the craziest thing in the world... I swear to God... if he knew about this... I will send him my IP , my email address and my passwords... And I will ask him to do anything he wants with them... and I will disable the antivirus for a month!! Just for his sake... I want him to take his full revenge out of me... But I don't think its about revenge... its about a heart I unintentionally broke! |
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[/QUOTE]Who told you that I am not willing to pay them... you don't know me.. I could do the craziest thing in the world... I swear to God... if he knew about this... I will send him my IP , my email address and my passwords...
And I will ask him to do anything he wants with them... and I will disable the antivirus for a month!! Just for his sake... I want him to take his full revenge out of me.. [/QUOTE] You need to seek professional help. |
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I apparently need to seek professional help regarding how to properly quote someone:(
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Thanks BMI... I really appreciated it
p.s. Just don't take out the name of the person you are quoting... and it will work |
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Lol... people helping people:)
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I am unclear as to where you are from. Is English your first language? Just curious. I have to say once again you may be making more out of this thatn there is. Just tell him, get it over with and apologize. Be honest, tell him you started not telling him the whole truth and once you got to know him you found you enjoyed chatting and being his friend. Sorry, but let's go forward with the truth and that should be that. You are driving yourself crazy over something that may not come out that bad. The only way to know is to do it. It really is not the end of the world. Stop putting it off, it just makes you more upset. You really will be fine.
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Originally Posted by K_3
English is my second Language... my first language is Arabic... Thanks a million for what you are doing... it means a lot to me... But I want to ask you something... I know this has to be end the hard way!. (we were'n't meant to each other "God's Willing") but I want to reduce its hardship for the both of us!. So what do you think..? End it by telling the truth... or just Disappearing... what do you think its better.. And either ways I am not going to do it now... he has final exams... and college to take care of... I will choose a right time... Thanks for listening to me... its much more better now... |
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Oh girlfriend... just tell him the truth! Quit beating yourself up and wanting him to beat up on you too! If you two are really as close as you say and have deeper feelings for each other, then it won't matter and both of you will be able to move past this and start your friendship FOR REAL without all the lies and deceptions.
Telling him the truth will solve your problem point blank. Either he will be hurt to the point of never wanting to talk to you again... which solves your problem... or he will want to know the truth about you and who you are and you can both grow together... again problem solved. |
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And once again, as it's been said before in this thread. Get some professional help!
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I have sat here and read all of this... and I believe that you and this guy truly care for each other. I strongly feel that you should tell him the whole truth about everything. Tell him what you told us, tell him that you wanted revenge for your niece but you grew to love him, tell him that you are not American.
You have been talking to each other for such a long time, he knows who you are on the inside and that is what you have made the connection with, the person you are is what he bonded with, he didn't bond with your Americanized lies, he bonded with the person you are in your heart. You said he feels strongly about friends, I think he will be SHOCKED about what you have done, but I think that if you tell him the honest truth then he will realize that it took courage and love for you to come clean with him. Maybe you can start a new friendship with this guy with everything out in the open, with him knowing who you are and what you did. Tell him how you feel, tell him you're so sorry and you hate yourself for what you've done and you cry day and night and ALL of this stuff that you have told us. The other people can say that you need professional help, meaning therapy, but I think that you need to just tell him the TRUTH, the whole TRUTH, and nothing but the TRUTH!! Don't disappear on him without telling him the TRUTH and don't tell anymore lies, don't stretch the truth, just be one hundred percent honest, but DON'T cut off all contact with him and disappear. Don't contact him either, let him know what you've done and how you feel, but then back off and let it sink in and let him think about forgiveness. Tell him that you showed him the real you in those conversations, your real personality and all that, but you lied about all that other stuff. Tell him your friendship was real and that your feelings for him are real. Tell him how much you care and how painfully sorry you are. PLEASE. Just be honest and kind and understanding. That is my opinion. |
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Originally Posted by azanerd
Azanerd... I am speechless of what you said... you really understood me... I'm totally convinced of all what you said... its all real.. Thanks for the "professional help" explanation << I didn't know what it means.. Again Yes you are right... I don't need a therapy... its just, I feel bad of what I've done... and I want to make it up to him by all means... So, I didn't know where to go?. or what to do?. I thought that sharing this with you guys might make me feel better... and yes it does... So, you suggest that I tell the truth... and that's what I will do... lets just hope he won't get hurt or mad and hate me... I swear to God I was forced to lie.. and it kills me whenever I tell one... He didn't sign on for a week now!. since I started writing my issue here... not him nor his sisters... and I always become worried when he is not online... and thoughts drown me! Did he know about me?. He must have known and now he is mad!. what if he is really in troubles... what if he needs my help... BUT what if he knew and he is avoiding me... And lots lots of black thoughts till I see him online and talk to him... I hope he is doing fine now... I pray for him everyday I knew what's my problem is... I just can't accept the fact of LOSING him... It hurts! But every road has an end... no matter how good or bad it is... so I think this is the end of our friendship... I Won't forget it... Ever!. I Won't forget him Never!. I can't see myself with him after what I did... not after he knows everything... even if he forgave me... I won't forgive myself I will be Vanished forever... but I will be close if he needed anything.. he will only have to write me... I will be his jenny in a bottle... but not his friend.. I am waiting for the right time... |
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I don't know why you have convinced yourself that if he does happen to forgive you, that you couldn't be his friend. I think you are playing the martyre. You are focusing on YOUR feelings again, and not on HIS, just as you've been doing all along. You are saying to yourself... oh poor me... I was bad... I lied... I don't deserve to live...
So what you are saying is if he was forgiving enough to listen to your story and still want to be your friend, that you would be willing to hurt him yet again by telling him no? I don't know if that makes sense to you, but it sure as heck doesn't to me! Again, that is why it's been suggested that you get some help. What?. do you think that you are the only person that has ever gone for help that has a dark secret that they are ashamed to admit? Dr's and therapists deal with those things on a daily basis, and that is what they have been trained to do. If you think that your problem/secret is the worst that they've ever heard then you are being pretty egomanical. The world won't fall off it's axis because Spranza told some lies! You started in your original post saying that you wanted us to say what we thought. That we could call you anything because you were such a bad person. Well I'm not going to feed into that self pity party that you are throwing yourself. I'm not going to call you anything, and I'm not going to judge you. That is someone else's job. I will only give my observations, and those observations are, once again, that you need to go get help. Maybe if it's said enough times, you will take the advice that you came here looking for. |
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Originally Posted by starbuck8
But come on! Think... would you like to be with a liar... if just anything ANYTHING happened the wrong way... what he will think... ( she lied once... why not she is not lying again and again... it runs in her blood!) It hurts to know that when you are telling lies you were looked as an honest person... but when you are telling truth... you will be looking at as a liar! I can't be his friend with this thought in mind starbuck..! That's IF and only IF he forgave me If he needed me I will do whatever he want... but being his friend again won't be the same.. Gosh! Sorry for being dark-sided thinker... its my bad! |
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Well... and this is assuming that he WOULD talk to you again, getting some help would go a long way in showing him that you want to change your behaviour. Words won't mean squat! It's only your actions that would show him that you truly feel bad for what you have done, and the lies that you've told.
And yes, you are right. Once someone trusted you and find out that they've been lied to, all the truths you tell will be questioned. You can't unring a bell, and you can't turn back time, so you have to deal with what the reality of it is. If you choose to run and hide... well that's up to you. But, if you want to show him that you are trying to change for the better so something like this will never happen again, then regardless of whether he forgives you, at least you are taking some actions for yourself. |
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I have been in a situation similar to yours Spranza, just a few months ago. I lied to someone about myself and we grew to love each other so much, So I told him the truth, and he was angry, but he forgave me. He does not trust me so much anymore, but we are still close and still care for each other and I do not have so much guilt inside me any more because I became a better person when I told him the truth. I care about your situation because it's similar, but yours is still so much worse than mine, and I remember how difficult it was for me to come clean and how scared I was, but it turned out so nicely and I pray that you're problem works out too. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Good Luck!
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Originally Posted by azanerd
Thanks for your replay Azanerd... you gave me a great push forward... Thanks a million I will let you know about it... Promise ! P.S. I really need your prayers... thank you :) |
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Good luck, I will be waiting to see how it turns out and I promise you will have my prayers. :)
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Hey every one!! I just want to inform you that I did what you asked me to do, which is telling the truth and take all the risk. Yeah, take all the risk!? I wish if I can even understand what this word convey to my heart? Any way folks, my friend left me and I mean forever!! He even asked for wish, which is never to contact him by ANY means... as if I am dead. I asked God's help for that and I beg Him now to supply me with intensive care as I need it the most, more than any time before. I loved him from the bottom of my heart and I was afraid to lose him, but now he is LOST! Forever... I even can't believe the words I am writing right now Peace |
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Hi again,
I just want to state my feelings here because I believe it my help a lot knowing that there is some people out there reading it and knowing what you went through even if they just read. It feels like the world listens to you and you are not alone, it feels like everyone is trying to help, YOu will feel like there is hope in this life that might guide you to a right path even if this path is away from your loved ones! Even if this path breaks your heart but deep inside you feel like it's for your own good! Even though you don't understand this now because you are blind with the shock of your life, but it's always there. It has been said in my culture, There is nothing bad to its core and even if it shows like it is, you will find a great amount of good in it but you will never know it because you are too busy whining about the sorrows and blaming your luck! << I am sorry if this didn't make sense to you guys, I am sorry that's the best translation I can get out of it. I am talking now more calmly than yesterday (I guess I'm beginning to believe and live the situation) Or I might pretend to be, I am not sure about myself any more, I swear to God! I need help now more than ever because I am falling to pieces (literally) I'm study in a computer institution for a while(just month ago) I enrolled for two years studying but I guess I am reconsidering this though I have paid them 6,346$ I can't go on! I went today and I don't know why in hell did I go when I am in such condition. I just don't want any of my family knows about anything. So yeah, I went Sleepless and breathless. I didn't sleep for two days now! Didn't eat. IT FEELS SICK So sick, I can't get him out of my mind and whenever I try to sleep I remember his words, IT RINGS IN MY HEAD... I read his letter four maybe more times and I memorized every letter in it. It has been inscribed in my heart or what left of my heart. In my way to the instituation while I was in the car looking through the windows, we stopped at a traffic light, and there was a big building (looks pretty old) with high walls and there were lots of graffiti on it. ONE sentence caught my mind! They wrote a sentence of one of Avril's songs and it just match my heart! I stun and quickly hold my iPhone and searched in my Music library because I have it and I wanted to listen to it. It was like a sign! And as I am listening I shed tears for the flaming sorrows I feel inside me. The sentence was ((When your gone the pieces of my heart missing you.. )) just like they wrote it. I will post a pic of that wall as soon as I go through the same road again. Promise! However, I went to the institution absent-minded totally! I attending classes without knowing what the heck are they saying, I did an exam but I handed the paper plain white! I didn't even bother to fetch my pen. I felt life is so meaningless. I was asking myself why am I here? I talked to registration section about me quitting the diploma, they told me it's okay but we won't give back any money, as if I care!! I just want myself back, I sat there on a chair waiting for my car but mom called me to tell me that your brother will come late he has a meeting, I didn't mind waiting 4 hours! Because I feel like there is nothing to bother about it now, I have nothing to lose even if they left me here forever. I wish I didn't wait, It was so SILENT!! Everybody went home, Silence killed me.. there was no one in the institution but two reception employees... I BARELY BREATH, I felt like a very heavy rock lying over my chest and I started to breath in and out rapidly the thing that make them notice something weird about me. I got up went to WC washed my face and tried to calm down, I didn't know what to do, so I thought it would I great idea if I prayed and so did I. I prayed and cried asking God to protect my hear and save what remains of it, because when I first saw his message I felt like my heart was ripped out of its place, I felt so cold and shaking. I am in a desperate condition, my friends. I feel like I am really slowly dying, and I can't talk about it only with you guys here. No one of my family knows about this just mom but I even don't have the guts to talk to her about it. I am suffocating suppressing all this inside of me. I wish I can kill myself, I swear to God if it's not prevented I would do it NOW. I want to live peacefully because I hate to hurt anyone and now I am hurting the best person in my life. I can't learn to forgive myself. I tried so many times and I lie to myself saying I am strong! This thing only a bad experience in my life that I should learn from and I even before completing this sentence I start to cry all over again. I wish I have that strong heart of his, I wish I was able to end this from the start, I wish time goes back to correct what I did, I wish I never knew him, I wish I wasn't born or exist in this sick life. One mistake ended up my whole life, how fair is this life? I just can't get it. Here is what I am going to do! I am mentally disturbed now and I have to set this thing up!? By either both ways. Getting a new life with a new start OR dying in reality but living the memories of someone ONCE lived within me and he will still. I will cancel the diploma tomorrow morning and I will never get out of this house only for one thing, "a hospital", if needed. I will live within his memories even if he said he will erase me from his life (I wish if I could do the same but I couldn't) he was and is living in every inch of my body, heart, soul and mind. I am infected with a deadly virus called "ShMaiz3r" and I am healing myself by quarantining it. Either this virus continue spreading demolishing what left of me thus dying or my self-defense activate itself and save me. It's suiciding I know but I said before, I have nothing to lose. My last words for you people in here, PLEASE and PLEASE don't lie about anything even if you see it so damn silly because it might get you killed emotionally. You will never feel anything about it and you think of it like it doesn't even deserve to be mentioned then you feel like oops I did a mistake but you don't find the right time to tell the truth and then you delay it. Eventually, you will get more and more involved that you will feel so embarrassed to say it, as it goes deeper and deeper, you get emotionally involved and you feel like if I say it now I lose the love of my life…and.. and.. and… it's a never ending chain of sorrows you brought it to yourself by your own OWN hands, and believe me NO ONE will suffer this only YOU! You will suffer every and each word you said, you will see your life line tape rolling in front of your eyes and you will feel FULL of guilt. Please don't do it because I know how it feels like.. and I am falling because of it, I just want you guys to learn of this deadly experience as I have learned the hard way… And yeah, don't put in your head that he or she will understand the truth as long as you are saying it, they might want the truth but as soon as they know, it will be so hard for them to put the pieces back together because you are simply breaking hearts here which is so hard to fix, no matter if yours broken or not. That's all what I wanted to say, I hope you all long happy life with whom you loved, and I hope God to fix the heart I smashed UN-intentionally and out of my stupidity, the heart which I paid its price by my blood and tears , the heart that I will adore forever and ever no matter what happened, wounds heal scares remain as reminders but they never block someone's heart. I pray God to Fix mine too as it's shattered and broken to a million pieces from my first love which I gave my all to him and he choose to forget! My heart was healing for a very long time but I didn't think (not one in a million) it will open again till I met him and I screw it up but this time it's by my own hands, my own mistake and I have to pay that the hard way. I wish I can have my heart back again, I miss it's wild beating. I want it back to live not to love! Because now I am 100000000…….etc% positive that love doesn't exist only in fairy tales, and if it exist here , it will be short like a dream. So yeah, I am locking it forever and I dare anyone in this life, in this world can get a grip of it. Because the third time will be my death sentenced. I am heartless, emotionless, and empty for the rest of my life. Actually that was my ideal thought before I even know any one of them.. but I don't know what the hell did change me.. I have learned my lesson twice and now I am solid, a piece of rock that never loves or loves back! And thanks for my life which taught me this.. Thank you all for reading, and forgive me if I offended anyone by my words, don't blame a lifeless girl.. Farewell, that's what he said Farewell P.S. If anyone intrested reading the blogs in the space I left for him, here it is: http://sooxooara.spaces.live.com/ |
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 As I Promised! |
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