[Mom of 2]

Isneezefunny - I think that it would be helpful if you could post the thread link so that others can gain access to it. I have already done this exercise, so I personally don't need it, but maybe someone else might. I tried accessing it by doing a search, but I came up with nothing.

Just a thought, as this simple (maybe not so simple for some people - depending upon the stage you are at) exercise is definitely worth trying. It was very helpful for me!!

[jamimama]

I think I'll do the letter-writing when I'm feeling down (probably tonight or sooner. The waves are somewhat predictable right now). It sounds extremely cathartic.

Also,. wow... the tension I'm experiencing between enjoying flirting with other guys, feeling like I'm letting go of Evan and worrying that I'm going to jump into something despite my best intentions.

Since the break up, this one guy has been flirting with me and I'm not at all interested so it's made me feel uncomfortable and I'm trying to be clear with him.

Today, I was eating lunch with my friend and this guy sitting next to us chimed in, which started a long, funny conversation. I think I could detect that he was interested.

NOT THAT I'M JUMPING INTO ANYTHING. NOT THAT I NEED A MAN'S VALIDATION. Oh lord no, it's been eight days. But it felt good and it reminded me that there are other guys out there. Still focusing on me and not someone else. Not going to get mixed up with someone else right now. But it was nice.

[Chameleon24]

I've been reading the past few posts on this thread and I know exactly what you're going through. For me it's been 2 and half weeks since he broke up w/ me (feels like yesterday) and 11 days of NC. Here's my story if interested:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ng-199307.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ll-200826.html

So far Ive been all over the place. Some days I feel so strong. I think up all these goals for my life and things I plan to do in the summer. Then I hit really low days where I just cry and remember times we had together and I just keep wishing for him to come back. I keep hoping that he feels so miserable now. I've deleted myspace altogether and I removed him as a friend on Facebook. His pages are still public but I'm being good about not going there. I did this for the same reason you pointed out... I don't want to see him happy or having a good time which is what I'll most likely see if I go there.

I feel the same way you guys do. Each time I get a missed call or a text I hope that maybe it's him. Each time I hear a car go down the street I look out the window, even though I know it's not him... yet I still look. Every time. Whenver I'm driving and see a car that looks like his I check to see if it's him. Twice this week I really thought I saw him and both times they were near my house.

I've been having dreams about him each night. Its always the same thing too. We're finally face-to-face again talking after the break up. Sometimes he's apologizing for his actions and other times he's just kind of rude to me. Or a lot of times we're about to talk but I always wake up before we do.

During the day I dream up stuff in my head - like he's w/ his new girl and he suddenly realizes how young and obnoxious she is and he thinks of me and feels horrible about what he did and he realizes that he wants me back. Or I have hopes that one day I'll wake up and see that he left me a voicemail during the night... telling me that he made a mistake. And I'll just keep ignoring him until one day he'll do something extravegent to somehow prove his love to me... like in those romantic comedies. Why are movies made that way? That never happens in real life.

Monday and Tuesday I felt horrible, but today I felt better. I've been thinking of him most of the morning at work, but I haven't been crying or feeling down. I know it's bad to dream and hope that these things could actually happen one day. I just need to try and focus on other things to distract myself. Maybe a walk or something.

This isn't going to be easy for us, but we'll get through it. Yesterday I actually had the urge to check out his myspace, but I came on here instead and urge left me.

[HistorianChick]

Sweetie, I've been reading your post for a few days and have been impressed at your answers as well as others responses.

One thing I want to tell you - from having been virtually left at the altar by the man that I loved with my everything, my heart, soul, emotions, everything - the one thing I have seen here on your thread is your pure love. And your love, sweetheart, is a testament to YOU. It is a testament of your character, your heart, your drive, your sweetness. The fact that you are hurting and aching and dying inside shows me that you are going to make it. You are going to survive this because of your love, not in spite of it.

Heartbreak is one of the hardest things to deal with, yet it is one of the most telling things about the character of a person. When someone has loved to the degree that you have loved, you are blessed. You have shared the most intimate moments of your life with another person... you haven't kept them inside or hoarded them for yourself. You've given of yourself completely and have grown through that sharing.

For me, when my fiancée disappeared, it took me a long time. A long time to stop hurting... but you know, one day I realized that memories of he and I and what we shared were sweet, rather than the bitterness of the end. I found myself thinking about him... and smiling. And being thankful for the love that we had shared.

I've said it many times before here on this site, but our past doesn't define us, it simply makes us into who we are today. I know that I have the capacity to love without reservation or hesitation, I've taken the hurts and transformed them into pearls. (oh boy, I'm going to have to find that post on here... lol).

Maybe all this doesn't make any sense to you... maybe I'm simply rambling out of an emotional, Shakespearean heart. Maybe this won't help you at all... but for what its worth... you will be OK. You will make it. You will find that silver lining, your rainbow will shine bright once again.

Your future has unlimited and unfathomable shimmery potential... You have such potential, such an amazing realm of possibility before you. You're standing at the open portal of an unknown world, waiting to be discovered... Can't wait to hear what you make of it. :)

[jamimama]

Sweetie, I've been reading your post for a few days and have been impressed at your answers as well as others responses.

One thing I want to tell you - from having been virtually left at the altar by the man that I loved with my everything, my heart, soul, emotions, everything - the one thing I have seen here on your thread is your pure love. And your love, sweetheart, is a testament to YOU. It is a testament of your character, your heart, your drive, your sweetness. The fact that you are hurting and aching and dying inside shows me that you are going to make it. You are going to survive this because of your love, not in spite of it.

Heartbreak is one of the hardest things to deal with, yet it is one of the most telling things about the character of a person. When someone has loved to the degree that you have loved, you are blessed. You have shared the most intimate moments of your life with another person... you haven't kept them inside or hoarded them for yourself. You've given of yourself completely and have grown through that sharing.

For me, when my fiancee disappeared, it took me a long time. A long time to stop hurting... but you know, one day I realized that memories of he and I and what we shared were sweet, rather than the bitterness of the end. I found myself thinking about him... and smiling. And being thankful for the love that we had shared.

I've said it many times before here on this site, but our past doesn't define us, it simply makes us into who we are today. I know that I have the capacity to love without reservation or hesitation, I've taken the hurts and transformed them into pearls. (oh boy, I"m going to have to find that post on here...lol).

Maybe all this doesn't make any sense to you... maybe I'm simply rambling out of an emotional, Shakespearean heart. Maybe this won't help you at all.... but for what its worth... you will be ok. You will make it. You will find that silver lining, your rainbow will shine bright once again.

Your future has unlimited and unfathomable shimmery potential.... You have such potential, such an amazing realm of possibility before you. You're standing at the open portal of an unknown world, waiting to be discovered... Can't wait to hear what you make of it. :)

Wow. Thank you so much. This is absolutely beautiful.. . Coming onto this forum was the greatest decision I made after the break-up. You and the people posting speak to me in a way that my friends and family can't because they aren't able to relate. Thank you thank you thank you.

[jamimama]

In response to Mom of 2, you are right about guys being able to sense a girl who's kind of broken after a relationship. I hadn't thought of that so I will definitely keep it in mind. Thanks.

[HistorianChick]

Wow. Thank you so much. This is absolutely beautiful. ...Coming onto this forum was the greatest decision I made after the break-up. You and the people posting speak to me in a way that my friends and family can't because they aren't able to relate. Thank you thank you thank you.

Oh, you're welcome!

Here, my pearl metaphor... https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-169263-5.html

Its post #42 on this thread...

I love wearing pearls because this is what it means to me... :)

Enjoy.

[Mom of 2]

In regards to guys sensing "new meat" so to speak, I wanted to share something that I experienced. Hopefully you and others may be able to learn from this experience.

While I was going through my divorce and I was separated from my ex, I told myself that I did not want to be involved in any relationship until it was all over. The divorce process was going into into 7th month when this story begins. I went out with some girls who felt that I just needed new atmosphere and do something that different in order to get my mind off things. Well, it was great to let my hair down and go dancing. I have never been a drinker, so I continued to abstain, as I did not want to begin a new bad habit. After a while, a guy came up and started talking to me. At first, I was standoffish. However, he was saying so many things that I wanted to hear and I fell hook, line and sinker, even though I was at first VERY defensive and did not want to talk to him. He was asking questions about ME. He wanted to know about ME. He wanted to know what MY dreams were. At the end of that first night, he warned me against men taking advantage of me since I probably did not have sex for at least 7 months if not more. I thought he said this to be protective - I mean, he did not make any moves in any way, and I thought that this was because he cared!! We continued to see each other for a period of 2 weeks, but it was always on his terms. He was the one who contacted me. He would not give me his phone number, stating that this was his work phone and he could not receive calls on it, etc. Whenever he called me, it always came up as With held, which I did not question at the time, but I should have. The important thing is that he was finding out a lot about me and I did not find out anything about him. He knew where I worked and even met me there a couple of times. He did not disclose anything about himself besides generalities that made me believe that he was talking about himself, but it really was not. He promised that we would do SOOO many things together.

To make a VERY long story short, one evening, he said that he could not take it anymore, that he had so many feelings for me and that he wanted me sooo much. Hook, line and sinker. I had abstained from doing anything with him for 2 weeks that I thought he was the real deal and that he was not looking for sex. I was thinking, "hey, he has spent time and money on me. He's got to mean what he says". Well, I ended up having sex with him only to find out that was the last time that I would ever hear from him or see him.

So, be cautious. There are a lot of good guys out there, but there are a lot of wolves in sheeps clothing.

Since my divorce 1 1/2 years ago, I have met a man who has been very good to me. This is still a new relationship and I still have a lot to learn about him, but from what I know now, I think he is a keeper. Who knows, it has only been 4 months. Things can change in the future, but I hope not.

What I am trying to say is that you will find guys that are good and guys that are bad. Take your time and be cautious.

Yeah, I know guys, there are also a lot of devious minded women out there too. It is not always just the men that are bad. Women can be bad too.

[jamimama]

In regards to guys sensing "new meat" so to speak, I wanted to share something that I experienced. Hopefully you and others may be able to learn from this experience.

While I was going through my divorce and I was separated from my ex, I told myself that I did not want to be involved in any relationship until it was all over. The divorce process was going into into 7th month when this story begins. I went out with some girls who felt that I just needed new atmosphere and do something that different in order to get my mind off of things. Well, it was great to let my hair down and go dancing. I have never been a drinker, so I continued to abstain, as I did not want to begin a new bad habit. After a while, a guy came up and started talking to me. At first, I was standoffish. However, he was saying so many things that I wanted to hear and I fell hook, line and sinker, even though I was at first VERY defensive and did not want to talk to him. He was asking questions about ME. He wanted to know about ME. He wanted to know what MY dreams were. At the end of that first night, he warned me against men taking advantage of me since I probably did not have sex for at least 7 months if not more. I thought he said this to be protective - I mean, he did not make any moves in any way, and I thought that this was because he cared!!! We continued to see eachother for a period of 2 weeks, but it was always on his terms. He was the one who contacted me. He would not give me his phone number, stating that this was his work phone and he could not receive calls on it, etc. Whenever he called me, it always came up as With held, which I did not question at the time, but I should have. The important thing is that he was finding out a lot about me and I did not find out anything about him. He knew where I worked and even met me there a couple of times. He did not disclose anything about himself besides generalities that made me believe that he was talking about himself, but it really was not. He promised that we would do SOOO many things together.

To make a VERY long story short, one evening, he said that he could not take it anymore, that he had so many feelings for me and that he wanted me sooo much. Hook, line and sinker. I had abstained from doing anything with him for 2 weeks that I thought he was the real deal and that he was not looking for sex. I was thinking, "hey, he has spent time and money on me. He's got to mean what he says". Well, I ended up having sex with him only to find out that was the last time that I would ever hear from him or see him.

So, be cautious. There are a lot of good guys out there, but there are a lot of wolves in sheeps clothing.

Since my divorce 1 1/2 years ago, I have met a man who has been very good to me. This is still a new relationship and I still have a lot to learn about him, but from what I know now, I think he is a keeper. Who knows, it has only been 4 months. Things can change in the future, but I hope not.

What I am trying to say is that you will find guys that are good and guys that are bad. Take your time and be cautious.

Yeah, I know guys, there are also a lot of devious minded women out there too. It is not always just the men that are bad. Women can be bad too.

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm so sorry that that happened and that you had to deal with that when you were going through a divorce. I hope that people learn from it. It seems like that guy had his planned all figured out. Very scary.

It's not that I'm looking to date right now, but in terms of navigating the social scene, Evan was an extremely nice guy and I trusted him completely. He was the only guy I've been with, so I know that I may not be as good at detecting the signs as other girls are and I have to keep my guard up.

[Mom of 2]

I don't want to scare you in anyway, just be cautious and know that there are some people out there with ulterior motives. Not everyone is like that though.

I have met a lot of great people who I would not have otherwise encountered had I still been married. 90% of the people have turned out to be awesome and I am so glad that they are in my life. Have fun, as you are still so young and you have a lot of living to do. Knowing that you had a chance to love is a great thing. Don't think that you will not have that ability again. Yes, be cautious, but don't let this experience harden your heart. I sense that you have a fantastic and loving soul.

I hope everything works out well with you. I know it will because from what I read of your posts, you have a good head on your shoulders. You are finding out what it is that you want and what you will not tolerate. Life is a learning experience.

[starbuck8]

I met my ex the second day of college and we just broke up this week after three and a half years. I had been through everything with Evan. I stayed by him when last year, we both went abroad to separate countries for the semester and he decided we needed to put things on pause, so he could do his own thing for the semester. I followed, pursuing him, confused, missing him, wanting to be with him, we visited each-other a couple of times and I was always frustrated but still in love...

We came back for senior year and he decided that when we graduate in May, he's going to farm abroad for seven months with limited communication or anything. But, we figured we'd stay together. We were in so so so so much love. But this is what he wanted and I wasn't...much of a farmer.

Then, he wasn't going to tell me, but by joking around I got it out of him, that he wanted to end the relationship in May before he went away. It wouldn't work beyond college. I was devestated: back in the same place. He said he loved me and wanted to stay with me until graduation, but he would not be able to give me the communication and relationship I needed while he was away. And he'd come back and he didn't want to make plans that compromised to what I wanted to do with my life. He also said that he didn't think I'd ever break up with him. He "deliberated" and I told him that I knew he'd already made up his mind. Without me. He decided it was going to end and when.

So I said no, I can't stay with you if it's going to end. That's not what I want. Eventually, he slammed the door on his way out. I ran downstairs to ask if he was sure. He angrily said he was sure and slammed the door. I haven't seen him since.

...


Together for three and a half years, so in love, my soulmate, my best friend, I'm lonely without him, I miss him TERRIBLY, I want to see him but also DO NOT want to see him...

I'm just glad that I find a site like this where people share my pain. It can be so isolating to go through something like this, and it's a comfort to know that everyone does it and everyone (eventually) ends up OK. I feel like some people in my life don't understand. We were together for 3.5 years and someone told me "Oh, give it a week. You'll be over him." I wish. I miss him severely. I want to avoid him and talk to him at the same time.

Ugh.

So...

At the time, I felt like I made the right decision about breaking up now as opposed to graduation being better. That's the time of my life to be moving on, exploring, doing new things and if I'm dealing with a breakup, that's hardly a positive start to my new life. Plus, when we broke up for abroad, I pined and yearned the whole time based on false hope. And the time between his breaking up and our actually breaking up was awful. Completely cheapened, sad, bittersweet.


...Anyone been in a similar situation? Have any advice?

There isn't much I can add to this because it sounds like you have the best advice around, and you are in good hands. I just wanted to comment. I've read the entire thing all the way through, and it sounds like you are a very intelligent, loving, caring person, with a very kind heart. Evan doesn't know what he's missed out on, in my opinion! ;)

Take it slow and easy girl. You'll know when the right time is to put yourself out there again. You're going through the motions exactly the way you should and need to.

I wish you the best of luck, love, and happiness in the world darlin! :)

[jamimama]

There isn't much I can add to this because it sounds like you have the best advice around, and you are in good hands. I just wanted to comment. I've read the entire thing all the way through, and it sounds like you are a very intelligent, loving, caring person, with a very kind heart. Evan doesn't know what he's missed out on, in my opinion! ;)

Take it slow and easy girl. You'll know when the right time is to put yourself out there again. You're going through the motions exactly the way you should and need to.

I wish you the best of luck, love, and happiness in the world darlin! :)

Thanks so so so so much for your kind words and for reading my sometimes rambling, oftentimes self-centered thoughts. People have been giving me great advice but it's always nice to get some more when everyone seems to be helping you do the right thing. The more consensus, the better. :) To go on this site and get support and assurance that I did the right thing and that now, despite my feelings of sadness, I am actually doing OK given the circumstances... it's amazing.

[jamimama]

UPDATE: I SAW EVAN. Technically...

OK so I'm coming out of a campus building, I'm two steps out, and I see him walking maybe 100 feet away crossing the street, not coming toward the building, minding his own business. And what did I do? I RAN BACK INSIDE THE BUILDING. And then when I was sure he couldn't see me, I took another step out and watched him walk home for a second. Now I'm laughing at myself because I kept wondering "What will I do when I see him?" and, it turns out, even if I barely see him, my instinct is to run and hide... and then stare at him.

Oh lord. Well,. what are you going to do.

I also think he may have shaved off his (less than attractive) beard, which makes me upset because it's like one of those liberation moves along the lines of cutting the hair, losing weight, etc. that you do when you have your heart broken. He does not deserve the ability to pull a liberation move because he's the one who broke MY heart. When we were together, I always (gently) told him that I liked him shaven and he wouldn't do it because he loved his beard. So hmph. But, of course, I was also 100 feet away from him when I saw him so who knows if I can trust my eyesight. Beard may still be there and I have bad vision and a fallible memory.

Break ups can be so hard but sometimes you just have to laugh. They're also extremely stupid. And they really bring the crazy out of people.

[starbuck8]

UPDATE: I SAW EVAN. Technically...

OK so I'm coming out of a campus building, I'm two steps out, and I see him walking maybe 100 feet away crossing the street, not coming toward the building, minding his own business. And what did I do? I RAN BACK INSIDE THE BUILDING. And then when I was sure he couldn't see me, I took another step out and watched him walk home for a second. Now I'm laughing at myself because I kept wondering "What will I do when I see him?" and, it turns out, even if I barely see him, my instinct is to run and hide...and then stare at him.

Oh lord. Well, ... what are you going to do.

I also think he may have shaved off his (less than attractive) beard, which makes me upset because it's like one of those liberation moves along the lines of cutting the hair, losing weight, etc. that you do when you have your heart broken. He does not deserve the ability to pull a liberation move because he's the one who broke MY heart. When we were together, I always (gently) told him that I liked him shaven and he wouldn't do it because he loved his beard. So hmph. But, of course, I was also 100 feet away from him when I saw him so who knows if I can trust my eyesight. Beard may still be there and I have bad vision and a fallible memory.

Break ups can be so hard but sometimes you just have to laugh. They're also extremely stupid. And they really bring the crazy out of people.

I think what you did was perfectly normal. You haven't seen him since the break-up, after all.

Yeah, it sucks when the one that did the 'breaking up' pulls the liberation move. You should do the same, and it will be just be another step in getting through this. Go get yourself a new haircut, go on a shopping spree and buy something crazy,. just do something that is just for you!

Good Luck to you! :)

[ISneezeFunny]

Starbuck's right. Perfectly normal.

The week after my ex and I broke up, I ended up taking longer ways to class to avoid her... and I'm talking about ducking and weaving. I might as well have worn ninja-wear and have done tuck and rolls around campus. In the end, I realized that my ex and I don't ever cross paths... except when I go to the local gym, as she works there.

As far as the liberation thing... I'm not so sure if my ex has done her "liberation" movement, but I guess getting a new boyfriend within 2 weeks counts... right?

As far as my liberation thing, I lost about 18 lbs (still losing), started hitting the gym, spent about a grand on new clothes, and with the money I had saved up for a condo (for the ex and me when we graduate... ), I bought a gsx-r.. . yep. That's mine.

Go get your liberation on.

[starbuck8]

starbuck's right. perfectly normal.

The week after my ex and I broke up, I ended up taking longer ways to class to avoid her...and I'm talking about ducking and weaving. I might as well have worn ninja-wear and have done tuck and rolls around campus. In the end, I realized that my ex and I don't ever cross paths...except when I go to the local gym, as she works there.

As far as the liberation thing...I'm not so sure if my ex has done her "liberation" movement, but I guess getting a new boyfriend within 2 weeks counts...right?

As far as my liberation thing, I lost about 18 lbs (still losing), started hitting the gym, spent about a grand on new clothes, and with the money I had saved up for a condo (for the ex and me when we graduate...), I bought a gsx-r. ...yep. that's mine.

go get your liberation on.

Hehehe, Campus Ninja's. :D Congrats on losing the weight by the way!

[Chameleon24]

I have yet to run into my ex. It's been almost 3 weeks since the break up and I haven't seen him since that week. I know that I would do the same thing though: duck and weave. I guess if it's obvious that we see each other maybe I'll wave or just sort of smile and nod in acknowledgement. I would only talk if he makes the first move. He would most likely ignore me though if he ever saw me.
Im glad we don't work together or go to school together. We don't even live that close so the chances of bumping into each other are slim. The thought of seeing him just terrifies me.

[jamimama]

All right. Right now I'm feeling like the most absolute s--t. ugh, crying and then staring and then crying... break ups rule! I don't know why more people don't do them.

I feel awwwwwwwwful.

[starbuck8]

Awww, I know that feeling. It's not fun at all! Unfortunately there's no way around it. I know that doesn't help you much, but try and put on some upbeat music that doesn't remind you of him... if you can find any.

Keep on writing away if you want. B*#ch away, cry, scream, whatever you have do to. There is always someone around to listen. :)

[Mom of 2]

Know that when the time is right, this too shall pass. You can not rush through it. Like I said, you will often go two steps forward and one step back. Just when you feel that you are making progress, something will throw you for a loop and you may feel that you are back where you started. This is COMPLETELY normal and should not frustrate you. The fact that you are going through these shifting feelings means that you are normal and that you are human AND that you are HEALING. Know that you are NOT alone. Again, acknowledge your pain, mourn your loss, as ignoring it will only delay the inevitable feelings that will show up eventually. You can't avoid it forever. Feeling pain means that you are still alive.

Although I agree that his shaving off his gotee COULD be a liberation move, you have to realize that focusing on why he does things is wasted energy. It is normal to wonder, as you had cared for him for so long. However, you need to refocus that energy on yourself. Trying to guess what he is doing, going to do and why he chooses to do things are wasted energy. You only have control over what YOU do. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can change and the wisdom to know the difference." This line from the Serenity Prayer has been my mantra for a long time and has saved me more than once.

You are a strong, intelligent and caring person. You will get through this. Vent here, that is what we are here for. To help you in any way that we can. Make whatever moves that you can in order to liberate yourself as well. This is a time of change, a time to heal. Be good to yourself. I know you can do it.