[chrismom]

I'm a single parent and to make a long long story short my son hates me and puts me down constantly.I have struggled w depression on &off esp since my dad passed in '04.He was like a father to my son and my mom and I think he may just now be dealing with it. He was very close to my dad and his real dad has never been much of a dad to him. He loves him but is selfish and never has put our son first. I married very young (19) and divorced in '91.I recently got out of a horrible relationship and am trying to move on but my son won't let my past mistakes go.I don't understand why he is so controlling and mentally abusive every single day to me. I suspect bipolar but I think its just his own insecurities and unhappiness with himself.His friends all moved away for college and although he talks on phone to them its not same.Hes never had a girlfriend yet and the college he attends doesn't have many activities. He was unable to get into the college he wanted due to his class ranking. He's very smart but very lazy and I can't help him with that. I wish I could make it all better for him but I can't.My mom and dad helped raise him and he was very blessed to have had them help me.I don't know where all this hate is coming from but I've had to call cops once after he yelled at me and had me up against the wall. Ever since I called cops he seems to keep his distance but still makes threats mainly that if he finds out I'm seeing my x again he will kill us both. He tells me I'm worthless and why don't I just go kill myself because I'm a failure. I have been unemployed for some time due to severe depression but am ready and trying to get my life back. His dad lives 3 hrs away and basically doesn't want to be bothered with it. Blames me pretty much and his answer to everything is call the cops / kick him out. Its not that simple when I know my son is depressed and just taking everything out on me. Do I wait it out?Im tired of walking on eggshells in my own home. I even go stay at hotels to get away and have peace! Heart is broken

[rebeltequila]

Honey right now I want you to have an open mind and for once think about yourself you are in a dangerous situation! I understand you love your son but you need to send him on his way he is big enough and by the sounds of it well and truly mean enough to face this world without you. You need some space to yourself and you need to sort yourself out. I want you to call his bluff kick him out! I no this must seem harsh but you are letting him walk all over you IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT it's your house your rules when your son is living with you in your house then he needs to learn that he's only welcome if he follows your rulles NO QUESTIONS ASKED for someone who has suffered depression you cannot surround yourself by abusive nasty people who cnstantly bring you down you are not being selfish by doing this tell him he's welsome to come back but only under the conditions that he follows your rules and behaves himself YOU NEED TO TAKE CHARGE you need to be incontrol of your life and get yourself on thr road out of there kick him out he'll probably hate you and call you worse names and say your giving up on him DO NOT GIVE IN he'll probably be back in a couple of months and if he's not then be proud of your son for standing up and getting on with life as long as you make it clear that when he's ready to follow your rules he's welcome to come back one day he'll understand that this age he dosen't no what he wants he scared and lost and he's getting all angry inside and you're the only one there to take it out on YOU NEED TO ESCAPE THIS IS A HORRIBLE CYCLE the more he gets away with it the worse you will get and the worse he will get he is learning that woman can be threatened and brought down though abusive talk this is not good in anyway you are and adult you should not have to hide who your with or step on egg shells in your house!

[chrismom]

thk u so much for your reply. He has nowhere to go other than my moms and he doesn't want to live w his dad and stepmom who live 3 hrs. away.also his dad may be deported again to Iraq. I am going to try once again to get through to his dad how serious this is but his dad is more like an uncle to him and although he tells our son he loves him my son seems to be very resentful towards him right now and may be finally mourning the loss of his grandpa (my dad) who died at only 60 from ALS.my son sees me as weak and has a right to be mad at me for some of my past mistakes -especially w this man I dated for 4 yrs. He lived w us at one time and after an 11 mo break up @ took him back and he has never forgiven me for that. But now its like he uses that as an excuse for everythng and he just isn't making sense sometimes. I know he misses his friends and he has a very good job working for my brother in law w a promising future ahead but I know he is depressed and going through the normal stressors of his age along w some stress that I put upon him. I know I don't deserve this treatment and I've told him to leave before but he won't. Nothing I do will make him happy right now but I'm afraid kicking him out would push him over the edge. He does nothing else wrong. No drugs no drinking. He works and is going to school but I have a feeling school isn't going well at all. That's his issue I know but I've seen the tears in his eyes at times after we've argued and he wants me to be happy and not depressed and he gets scared thinking my x will hurt me but he's never been violent toward me and right now I have to lie and see him in secret and that is my business but there's the guilt of not being able to be honest w my son for fear of how he will react.I don't understand his obsession w my long time boyfriend however I am ashamed to say I did have to file phone harassment charges on him during our breakup we worked through it.he hates my boyfriend and I guess feels he has to protect me but his threats although "talk"disturb me at times

[chrismom]

Sorry so long there's just so much... he is a good kid. He's respectful towards everyone but me. I really need his fathers help and have protected him by not telling his dad everything because I'm afraid that if part of the issue is his relationship or lack of w his dad then it would devastate him. If he were a punk kid who was out of control and mean and didn't work etc. it would be much easier to make him leave but its always been me and him and we've always had a good relationship up until a few yrs ago. I don't thk he wld like anyone I dated right now but I do have to admit he has every right to not like the one I now have to hide from him in order to have peace. Its messed up I know but my boyfriend has done some things that aren't right.im in the middle and know that hiding him is wrong and its taken its toll on me but I love him. I love my son. I'm in pain every day and feel it will pass w time but the put downs and disrespect have to stop.its emotional abuse and my son thinks he's helping me.he says if he doesn't tell me like it is no one will. But its out of control now.like he's the parent!How do I protect his emotional state but also lay down the law?he has a mouth.thats it.but its out of control.as long as I keep my distance we do OK but its impossible to never talk or ask him something while living together! He has a temper and my mom has talked to him but he now doesn't respect her as much.hes ashamed of his actions but at his age doesn't know how to deal w all the emotions he has inside.especially if he's just begun to really mourn the loss of my father who was basically his father, too.

[Fr_Chuck]

So he has no where to go, he can sleep in a car, he can go to a homeless shelter, to be honest you should not care, he is causing this problem, not you, he has mentlaly abused you to the point you see this as your fault.

You have to forget him at this point and worry about YOU, you can not be of any help to him, unless you get you fixed first.
Also let him hit bottom because of his problems, often he will not get help for hisself until he does

[George_1950]

I believe you need the assistance of a family therapist. Withholding love from a child is not natural; letting him find "the bottom" may be allowing him to make the worst decisions, alone. I believe he needs companionship and you should make an effort to help. Get a counselor and try to get him to go, later, and learn to develop trust in a professional person. Ask him to do things with you that he may like, and that you like, such as going to a museum, a park, fishing, or a movie.

[rebeltequila]

He Is Controlling Your Life, Making You Feel Un Worthy, Making You Feel Like You're the Problem All Of This Is Very Very Wrong He Is Learning He Can Get Away With Whatever He Wants Just By Playing These Mind Games And Talking You Down There Is Always Some Where And If You Make Sure He Knows He Can Come Back Only When He Agrees To Follow The Rules A Couple Days Later He Might Come Back Finding That Nobody Out There Takes This And That Living A Night On The Street Is Far Worse Then Behaving At Home

[smearcase]

I'm probably suffering shell shock because of several very bad, recent episodes that have occurred in the area I live in and have previously lived in, which have been in the news. I won't go into detail but they involved parent(s) severely harmed by children in the age group described by you. At least one was bipolar. You need to get help from professionals and get whatever "equipment and training" you need to protect yourself.