[lonelyguy]

I don't have a relationship right now, and have not for a long time. I want to write about some incidents, and would appreciate other's thoughts.

Part of the problem is that I don't feel like I am able to offer much to someone new in my life right now. I am struggling to make it on my own finacially.

However, as my name says, I do get lonely. Lately, I have noticed someone who seems attractive in some ways. I can also tell that their life must be a lot worse than mine.

Here is what I have observed.

The first time I saw her, I was going outside of a building to smoke with another person. Almost as soon as I got out the door, she came around the corner and asked if she could bum a cigarette. The person I was with gave her one.

The second time, a few days later, I saw her near the smoking area right outside the door. She started to leave but then turned and said I was wondering if I could get a cigarette. So I asked her if she was old enough. She laughed and said she was 25. So I gave her one, and she left.

Third time, a few more days later, at night, she came around the corner and saw me, and asked if she could get a cigarette, but that time I said, "Sorry, this was my last one." It wasn't.

Forth time, a week later, again I saw her near the same smoking area. I'm pretty sure she was looking in the coffee can that the used butts go in. As soon as she saw me she said something like I thought I might find a dropped cigarette. So I said "here, take one of mine."

I'm feeling pretty certain that she is checking that "butt can" regularly in hopes of finding cigarettes. Sometimes, the entire can has been removed by some unknown person. It may or may not be her.

Next time, three of four days later, I was with another person, she was walking on the other side of the street, and crossed the road to walk my direction, had a child of about 6 or 7 with her, asked if she could get a cigarette from someone. I gave two.

Every time, that she talked she said either "Thank you anyways, or God Bless You for being so Wonderful" very sincere sounding, but at the same time obligatory like you might hear at a charity give away when people are getting items given to them.

So I decided I would be ready the next time, and sure enough, this is what took place:

I happened to be there to see her check in the old can. She was alone. She started to leave quickly, but I motioned for her to wait a minute. I pulled out about half a pack and handed it to her along with a lighter since she had none. Again came the God Bless you, and you're truly a blessing from god stuff, so I asked if that was her daughter she was with the other day. She said it was, then started to leave quickly. I said "Oh I've seen you a few times and dont even know your name."

She continued to walk so I said it again, and she answered her first name. I told mine, and she left. With the traffic noise we both had to say our names twice.

OK, I know that is not much to base an opinion of a person on. However It made me feel kind of odd. One because it made me feel like I could make a difference in her life, but also because I don't know if I'd want to. It made me feel good in a way, but scared in another. It sort of felt like flirting, to find out her name. I think that was a slight turn on because I really hardly ever do anything like that. Maybe that was the scariest part under the circumstances.

I am a compassionate type of person as far as wanting to help others. At the same time, I don't want to deal with a lot of stress with other people's problems.

I don't know if she is a crack whore, druggie, mentally ill, or just very poor and maybe getting over an abusive relationship. Heck, she might still be in a relationship for all I know, but no one is supplying her with cigarettes.

I don't know how to read this person. I also don't know if she is full of diseases or anything either.

As far as my background. No drugs. High standards. Highly educated. Nerd socially. Not trash.

I have goals of a nice peaceful life ahead with a better financial situation ahead of me. As far as smoking, I know I should quit, and never pictured myself with a smoker. I keep telling myself I will do it one of these days.

So, I'd like to hear thoughts about this situation. Do you think I should get my head on straight? Walk away and forget about it? Or should I ask more questions to see if she is married, dating, etc?

Is it stupid to even be thinking this way? It would seem healthier for me to look for someone who doesn't seem to have any problems. I don't want to get involved with the whole trying to fix someone else thing, so from that perspective, I may have answered all of my own questions. Part of the issue is my self-confidence level or feeling that someone who has their life together would not have any interest in me.

Is it wise to ask her out since I know so little? Are there so many unknowns that this is a bad idea? I would never be so bold to ask before I found out if she was with someone.

Please tell me what warning signs you might see in this that I am missing? Am I just jumping around like a lost puppy waiting for the first person to notice me so that I can try to be wanted or needed by someone?

[jrebel7]

lonelyguy, what you wrote touches my heart and scares the begeebees out of me at the same time. I know what lonely feels like so my heart goes out to you. I see red flags everywhere in this situation, however.

I am not saying that a person should not reach out to a person but I believe you are much too vulnerable right now to try to reach out to hopefully begin a relationship with this girl.

Working on your self-love, self-esteem, should be priority right now.

I have more questions than I have answers. Why is your self-esteem so low? Has it always been or is this something new? Do you find it difficult to approach girls to ask them out generally?

It sounds like you are trying to fix someone else in hopes of fixing your own problems. The reverse should be the case in my opinion. There will be other's answer with more insight than I. Please be patient.

I would wait this one out for awhile anyway. No rush, right? You can gain a lot of friends on this site that will help partly with being lonely. That is a start. I am glad you posted before acting on this situation.

It sounds to me that this gal has had lots of practice asking for handouts. Please think about the positives in your life then build on that.

You ask in the post above, "Are there so many unknowns that this is a bad idea?" I would have to say yes at this point. I wish you the best. Choose well. :)

[lonelyguy]

I agree with you completely jrebel7. I have asked others out and when I decide to, I don't have a problem except for them declining.

I've tried to give the reason for my poor self esteem a lot of thought. I think it has been a long time in developing.

It is centered around finances. I grew up poor. Got made fun of because my family had little money to live in nice homes or get fancy clothes.

I blamed money as a reason I had few dates in school since I could not afford a car and other stuff.

Once I got a car, I had plenty of dates.

Now, I own two vehicles, but am struggling financially. I have been juggling bills like crazy. So that is why I don't feel like I have much to offer in that respect.

I know that I have a lot of other good things to offer, such as personality, intelligence, thoughtfulness, but all of those things seem minor in comparison to the financial feelings and wondering if that is why I get turned down.

Maybe I just have met the wrong people lately, or am using it as an excuse, but it seems that a woman generally isn't interested in dating a guy who is struggling financially, especially if they are goal oriented themselves with a career. That is what I meant about not having much to offer someone financially and timewise.

I also think you are right that there are way too many red flags. I am going to just focus on getting my own situation in order so that I feel better about that.

I'm not saying that I have to be a millionaire or anything, just that I feel having a good career where I'll have some extra cash at the end of the week will help me.

[jolienoire]

I know that I have a lot of other good things to offer, such as personality, intelligence, thoughtfulness, but all of those things seem minor in comparison to the financial feelings and wondering if that is why I get turned down.

Maybe I just have met the wrong people lately, or am using it as an excuse, but it seems that a woman generally isn't interested in dating a guy who is struggling financially, especially if they are goal oriented themselves with a career. That is what I meant about not having much to offer someone financially and timewise.

.

I want to say as I always tell people, when it comes to bills and finances everyone will have bills and debt and with the way the economy is now it will always be this way, bills will always be there, and the more money you make the greater your finances will become.
There is no such thing as perfect timing or perfect conditions, you have to be willing to see and unperfect situation perfect and that all starts with your attitude, and the RIGHT person would look at this and not be affected upon it. Finances are more and more concerns of many people, but the right woman won't be looking for what you can offer but would look at what you can accomplish together.You can easily judge the character of a someone by how he/she treats those who can do nothing for them.

As far as you being lonely, it can have it's benefits, because while your alone you can reflect and should take this time getting intouch with yourself, working on your self-esteem, not fearing rejection. Because rejection can be a good thing such as not waisting your time with the wrong person. Again, it depends on the location and the state of mind you are meeting this women, when you generally approach a woman, you need to be confident, and stand tall and proud of what you have, don't sound unsure when you approach her, women usually can sense when a man is lacking confidence. As far as with the woman wanting cigarettes I don't think you should take it to that level, I mean it's a nice thought to want to help someone, but you need to help yourself first. Once you can look at yourself and be happy with who you are your whole outlook will change, and your standards will change as well. Loneliness often set us at a vulnerable state, but don't let it blind you and accept anything less than what you deserve.

[talaniman]

You have so many things to do, in your life, that I hope you work on yourself, and not look to jumping into a relationship, just because you feel lonely. Take the time to find out about yourself, and the direction you want your life to move in, and focus on building a life that makes you happy, and that you enjoy, with good people you enjoy, and respect. Some one will want to share your happiness, when your secure and happy with yourself. Work on you, and let things fall into place, you don't have to force anything.

[frangipanis]

Interesting... it sounds to me you have a romantic heart and writer's imagination which is why this woman and her circumstances appeals to you and arouses your curiousity.

If you would be embarrassed to share a coffee with her in a public space or to introduce her to your friends, I would suggest you do her the favour and leave her alone. Otherwise, what is wrong with asking her out for a coffee and cigarette to find out a little more about her story? Just be honest with her and true to yourself.

You do feel something for her, right?