[RITowerguy]

Here's the situation, I know it's long but it's killing me...

I'm 26, been in a few long term relationships that ended not so nicely. I was young and I would cheat and I learned the hard way that it's not a great thing to do no matter what. It's never right and if you have to cheat then you shouldn't be in a relationship.

Now, I work at a bar as a bouncer. It's a small college bar gets pretty busy in there and I see a lot of faces. I am older then 80% of the customers who come in there seeing that it is a college bar. I'd have to say I'm OK looking I wouldn't say I'm fabio but I wouldn't say I'm uncle fester either. I'm your average guy that's about it. In September this girl came into the bar and I immediately was like wow. She's beautiful. In my eyes she's a 10 although others would give her a strong 7 but that's them I know what I like. So I talked to her and told her to come in again sometime and I'd buy her a drink. She came in the following Friday night with a guy friend of hers and immediately came right up to me and said hello, which was great. She is 4 years younger than I am just to put that age thing in there.

So that's how we met, we dated for a little while say a month or so and just took it slow. Then things got a little more serious. I would stay at her house or she would be at my house every night, and I liked that because that's what I was use to with my past long term relationships. We never argued or anything like that never had anything cross to say to each other or anything. Just before the holiday she told me that we were getting to serious and to fast. I kind of agreed it was kind of serious and it was fast. So we bother agreed to take a step back. We say each other maybe 2 times a week she might come into the bar with some friends of hers or alone sometimes to see me but it wasn't as serious.

New years came and we spent it together. Had a great night and we both couldn't have been happier... in the middle of the night she said those 3 words "i love you" now wasn't sure what to say because she always said that those 3 words you only say if you mean it and she had been drinking so I just scooped her up and hugged her and gave her a big kiss.

For that next month we saw each a little more.. and spent the night together maybe a handful of times. It wasnt' getting that serious but it was great. Then she ran into an ex of mine at the bar and my ex tried to ruin our relationship.. started to spread out some rumors around my girls work about me and my ex having sex when I was with my current girl. That threw my current girl into total lockdown.. she was all confused and upset and I tried to get her to understand that nothing happened and that I would never do that. I know I had done it in the past with ex's years ago but grew up and matured. My girl said that we needed to take a break.. so I agreed and we didn't speak for about 2 weeks.. then I remembered I left my baseball hat at her house, corny I know but it was my excuse to call her. We talked about getting together so I could get it back. We went out one night and talked about everything and wanted to give it another shot.

Everythings been great until recently. She has a myspace page and so do I. Every once in a while I'll look at her page and her pics and stuff. I found that this guy matty was talking to her about missing her and can't wait to hold her again in her arms and that he'd be home in a few months. Basically like he was her man. I was pissed but said nothing. A month went by and because of what I saw and continued to see our relationship suffered.. I was upset and not giving my all like I should have been. She then said she wasn't feeling it anymore and that she needed a few days to think about things. I gave her the few days. Then we went out to dinner and talked about things again. I brought up matty and she said that he was her brothers friend that she went out with when we weren't talking for those 2 month and that there was nothing there that he was married and there was nothing to worry about. With that said I let it go and was fine with it.. Then... I am at my house one day and was doing some work on my laptop then I went to take a shower and she asked if she could use my laptop I told her it was fine. Well I got out of the shower and headed to work and dropped her off at home. Later that night when I got back I noticed her myspace page was still logged in. I was going to just log her off but noticed a new message from matty. So I read it and was pissed. I then read her email and all the things they had been saying to each other over the past month. About how the distance only makes the hear grow fonder and how she misses him so much and can't wait to have him home in a month. About how the time they had together was short yes but had a huge impact on her life. About how she was with this great guy before but kicked him to the curb a month ago. That would be the few days she took to think things over.

He's coming home in a month for good, I am so confused.I don't want to tell her I saw the emails but what do I do? She keeps telling me how much I make her happy and how much she can't believe I put up with her crazy ways. Which is true. She's crazy she likes to flirt with people and have a good time.. she has gotten herself into some trouble and I've helped her out of that both with money and with my time.. I was putting in the effort. I fell hard for this girl and now I don't know if I should tell her I saw the email or just wait until he comes back and see if she drops me for him. What do I do? I fell for this girl and I fell hard, I don' twant to find out later that she's going to keep this going with this matty kid and leave me.. it would really suck with the effort I've put in...

[PJFraser]

Sounds complicated
But I suppose you have two choices
-Tell her you know, and risk splitting up
-Or ignore it, which will be difficult, and risk her either cheating on you or just using you until 'matty' comes back

I can't think of much else
Sorry I can't help more, but I doubt you should really be with someone who lies about such things and uses you
You should consider ending it if you ask her and she doesn't come straight with you

[CaribMan]

Sounds like you really care about this girl... im with PJ tell her how you feel and that you know and yes depending on the type of girl she might take it the wrong way thinking you don't trust her... if she truly cares about you like she said she will chose you over the other guy... or you can not tell her and know her secret, this might eat you up inside knowing she's interested in another guy.

Its really your decision

[jolienoire]

here's the situation, i know it's long but it's killing me...

i'm 26, been in a few long term relationships that ended not so nicely. I was young and i would cheat and i learned the hard way that it's not a great thing to do no matter what. it's never right and if you have to cheat then you shouldn't be in a relationship.

now, i work at a bar as a bouncer. it's a small college bar gets pretty busy in there and i see alot of faces. i am older then 80% of the customers who come in there seeing that it is a college bar. i'd have to say i'm ok looking i wouldn't say i'm fabio but i wouldn't say i'm uncle fester either. i'm your average guy thats about it. in september this girl came into the bar and i immediately was like wow. she's beautiful. in my eyes she's a 10 although others would give her a strong 7 but thats them i know what i like. so i talked to her and told her to come in again sometime and i'd buy her a drink. she came in the following friday night with a guy friend of hers and immediately came right up to me and said hello, which was great. she is 4 years younger than i am just to put that age thing in there.

so thats how we met, we dated for a little while say a month or so and just took it slow. then things got a little more serious. i would stay at her house or she would be at my house every night, and I liked that because thats what i was use to with my past long term relationships. we never argued or anything like that never had anything cross to say to each other or anything. just before the holiday she told me that we were getting to serious and to fast. i kinda agreed it was kinda serious and it was fast. so we bother agreed to take a step back. we say each other maybe 2 times a week she might come into the bar with some friends of hers or alone sometimes to see me but it wasn't as serious.

new years came and we spent it together. had a great night and we both couldn't have been happier...in the middle of the night she said those 3 words "i love you" now wasn't sure what to say because she always said that those 3 words you only say if you mean it and she had been drinking so i just scooped her up and hugged her and gave her a big kiss.

for that next month we saw each a little more..and spent the night together maybe a handful of times. it wasnt' getting that serious but it was great. then she ran into an ex of mine at the bar and my ex tried to ruin our relationship..started to spread out some rumors around my girls work about me and my ex having sex when i was with my current girl. that threw my current girl into total lockdown..she was all confused and upset and i tried to get her to understand that nothing happened and that i would never do that. I know i had done it in the past with ex's years ago but grew up and matured. my girl said that we needed to take a break..so i agreed and we didn't speak for about 2 weeks..then i remembered i left my baseball hat at her house, corny i know but it was my excuse to call her. we talked about getting together so i could get it back. we went out one night and talked about everything and wanted to give it another shot.

everythings been great until recently. she has a myspace page and so do i. Every once in a while i'll look at her page and her pics and stuff. I found that this guy matty was talking to her about missing her and can't wait to hold her again in her arms and that he'd be home in a few months. basically like he was her man. I was pissed but said nothing. a month went by and because of what i saw and continued to see our relationship suffered..i was upset and not giving my all like i should have been. she then said she wasn't feeling it anymore and that she needed a few days to think about things. I gave her the few days. then we went out to dinner and talked about things again. I brought up matty and she said that he was her brothers friend that she went out with when we weren't talking for those 2 month and that there was nothing there that he was married and there was nothing to worry about. with that said i let it go and was fine with it..Then....i am at my house one day and was doing some work on my laptop then i went to take a shower and she asked if she could use my laptop i told her it was fine. Well i got out of the shower and headed to work and dropped her off at home. later that night when i got back i noticed her myspace page was still logged in. i was going to just log her off but noticed a new message from matty. so i read it and was pissed. i then read her email and all the things they had been saying to each other over the past month. about how the distance only makes the hear grow fonder and how she misses him so much and can't wait to have him home in a month. about how the time they had together was short yes but had a huge impact on her life. about how she was with this great guy before but kicked him to the curb a month ago. That would be the few days she took to think things over.

he's coming home in a month for good, I am so confused.I don't want to tell her i saw the emails but what do i do?? she keeps telling me how much i make her happy and how much she can't believe i put up with her crazy ways. which is true. she's crazy she likes to flirt with people and have a good time.. she has gotten herself into some trouble and i've helped her out of that both with money and with my time..i was putting in the effort. I fell hard for this girl and now i don't know if i should tell her i saw the email or just wait until he comes back and see if she drops me for him. What do i do? I fell for this girl and i fell hard, i don' twant to find out later that she's gonna keep this going with this matty kid and leave me..it would really suck with the effort i've put in ....

First I want to say that you should talk to her, but when you confront her ask her in a way that doesn't sound distrusting on her behalf, ask her to tell you the truth but don't have a jealous or insecure tone. Simply explain to her that you are honest with her, and you want her to be honest with you, explain to her that you didn't mention it because you wanted her to tell you but because she never mentioned it you were curious to know the truth from her try to compose yourself and if she continues to tell you it's not a big deal, don't jump to conclusions immediately. But let her know that her not being upfront with you can ruin this relationship. Now if she REALLY wants this relationship she would be completely honest, if she doesn't she will began to react in a way and turn the tables on you and get upset with you snooping through her things. Its all pyschological, and then you may end up apologizing for her dishonesty and she will then have control. But don't ever feel that you should shelter your feelings, if something is bothering you talk about it otherwise it will blow up and can blow up big.. The truth is what's done in the dark will come to light, it always does, so if she continues to be dishonest do not fret, it will come out! My next suggestion is that TRUST in any relationship is essential, it's the foundation and if that foundation is not stable it will all crumble, and last turn the volume up on your intuition, don't ignore it, and don't be sorry for wanting the truth. Good luck...

[JBeaucaire]

She used YOUR laptop send illicit emails to another boy and then left the email account open... on YOUR laptop?

Dude, she wants you to know.

My generic speech #3 - your feelings for her are irrelevant. You're at the point in your relationship where familiarity has set in and you can actually see what is going on and who each other REALLY are... or you can ignore it because of your feelings... or as you put it, because of "all the effort you've put in."

You know what would suck? If you ignored the way she is and GET her, ring and all, and she turns out to be exactly the girl you see today THEN, too. That would suck. And you know why? Because she's telling you how she is!

Myspace isn't a private forum, it's a public social circle and she has Matty contacts in that open forum. She exchanges emails with him ON YOUR LAPTOP and leaves it for you to read the history.

Dude, the only issue here is if you're OK with her playing around. Maybe even that's what she's subconsciously trying to figure out.

Regardless of your position, her ability to make these contacts already tells you where you stand with her. She likes you, but not enough to bother with fidelity.

If I were in your position, I wouldn't punish her, guilt her, don't even bother with trying to sway her. You might succeed short-term only to find out years from now she is still the same girl. That would suck.

No, in your shoes, I'd look in the mirror and decide my feelings aren't as important as my good sense and sanity and I'd move on. Break up in a way that tells her you find you don't really like her the way you need to stay together. She's fine, she's just not your cup of tea in the long run. This keeps her from thinking it's something she can change and get you back. Blaming it on yourself ("it's just me") leaves her in more pain needlessly. Tell her that it's HER and that it's nothing wrong, you just don't see her and you together anymore.

This makes you out to be a bit of cad in her mind and might do the trick to keep her away. You need her to stay away.

LAST THOUGHT: Ignore everything I've suggested if you think you can approach her and get all this ironed out and it will never, ever happen again and you can trust her forever. Yeah, do that. (groan)

In THIS scenario, remember to never let her use your laptop.

[JBeaucaire]

totally confusing...

Ok, if my post was too much, I'll simplify.

• She isn't being totally faithful (you know that already)
• Confronting her isn't going to change her
• She wants you to know, maybe out of respect or just subconsciously
• If you're ok dating/marrying someone who isn't faithful to YOU, then stay
• If you're NOT ok, break up in a way that keeps her from coming after you

Simpler?

[talaniman]

I'll keep it simple, disappear from her life, and cut all contact with her whatsoever. Anything else will be drama and confusion, that you don't need. You already have all the facts.