Check out some similar questions!

jc105 · Feb 23, 2006, 12:39 PM

I want testimonials on the results of break ups.

I want to know how many went back and how many didn't. Why and how are appropriate.

This is to let all of us people with severely broken hearts know if there is hope and give us the confidence to be confident when they do leave.

A lot of people say leave them alone after they leave, has that worked for anyone, has it backfired?

Not a specific relationship question because I have slowly answered my own questions with some help from blunt individuals like wildcat.

Oh yeah, if your reading this looking for answers, sorry. The following posts won't answer your questions, only time will and maybe not even then. I hope this gives us all something to relate to, both sides of the coin.

Good Luck!

blueiman · Feb 23, 2006, 02:34 PM

Most don't come back. Why because they are ex's. But, if you stay in touch. Maybe when they go through other relationships and they don't work out. She may come back to you. So, be friends. Keep in touch and do not think about who she is with.

jeffatl · Feb 23, 2006, 02:40 PM

I have found that the best way to go about these types of things is to now think about them coming back at all. My ex told me she was going to come back, and did nothing of the sort. Cutting communication is the best thing for your sanity, and moving on will follow in due time. It's important to remember who you are and what you hold as important in your life. Learn from the bad times and grow from them.

talaniman · Feb 23, 2006, 02:57 PM

This is easy Rule no one If they need a break give it to them,then ride off into the sunset and don't look back! :cool: :)

Wildcat21 · Feb 23, 2006, 03:25 PM

I can tell you the best way to do it, but people usually screw it up, get all needy and paranoid about 'losing them' - they end up doing that movie crap.

People don't want to feel that the other person is making them their life. You can't.

It's called a break because you did something to push them away. People need to realize they need to act the way they did when they first met - they want that carefree, fun person - NOT the jealous, needy, possesive, clingy person you became.

A BIG key is how you handle the break... you can't beg, promise, even talk it thorugh - they are DONE. You need to say "Ok, what ever you want, I want you to be happy - Ok? bye" and walk a way. Period. End of story. Not contact them or return ANY communication for AT LEAST 2 months.

You go on with your life - imporving yourself. Figure out what pushed them away - BECAUSE IT WAS YOU THAT PUSHED THEM AWAY. WORKOUT, Work harder at work/school, get back with ALL your friends.

More often than not though... you probably became jealous and got in fights over it - not good.

AND PLEASE - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!! No mushy e-mails, letters, text. It's all verbal - on the phone to start AFTER two months. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!! - after the two months don't ask for them back - youck!! This takes time - you have to sort of friend them and slowly work yourself back.

jc105 · Feb 23, 2006, 03:35 PM

All right, I am going to comment based on member wildcats posts in another forum.

He said, as his advice always states, that after basically ignoring her calls for about 3 months, she returned. Only he can say exactly what the circumstances were, but I do want to put that out there.

For me personally, I am going to do my best to be disconnected from her, but there is so much between us that crosses relationship boundaries that it is almost impossible to completely disconnect. Also as a rule I am going to not be clingy which is a very common mistake as I have done (Begging her not to go etc) but still make sure she doesn't forget about me.

A balance needs to be met for it to work for me, although it may not work.
I normally don't do things like post on forums but you guys have really shed some light and been people to talk to. If this post is what you are looking for great, if not keep reading the others, or post your own, I had a few responses in the first day. But this may not answer all you questions anyway.

Oh yeah, BE STRONG!

jc105 · Feb 23, 2006, 03:37 PM

Obviously he posted before I got done typing. Rofl. But it is still good for everyone to know it worked out for him in the end and he doesn't give blind advice.

jc105 · Feb 23, 2006, 04:07 PM

This is a direct question for Wildcats, as I just thought of it.

One of the things I did to court my girlfriend the first time was most of the sappy crap. Letters/notes/flowers and what not. She has, since this all occurred, mentioned that those were some of the things she wanted back. That would definitely ride right next to the fact that I need to appreciate her more in general (Wonder why she wants to leave right?). But should I/WE-ALL avoid the sappy crap anyway or at least until we are done being their friend again. Also while you were being your girl's friend after the psuedo-reunite, when did you know you had her back? I am asking very specific questions, not for a template but for a case study. I know that my situation will be slightly different, but it will help me more if I can see a little of what she may be thinking.

It will take me a while to resolve to forget her. Also some more questions...

I know you did STUFF to help pass the time, but did you change your thought process, and decide to forget her, or hope in silence?

Chery · Feb 24, 2006, 01:41 AM

Originally Posted by jeffatl

I have found that the best way to go about these types of things is to now think about them coming back at all. My ex told me she was going to come back, and did nothing of the sort. Cutting communication is the best thing for your sanity, and moving on will follow in due time. It's important to remember who you are and what you hold as important in your life. Learn from the bad times and grow from them.

Got the 'spread it message', so here's my ATTABOY, Jeff. Mom2

Personal experience has taught me that no two relationships are alike. I took a two year break and he came back - we are still together, but I plan on moving soon to help my daughter raise her baby. I love him, but I have priorities and if he wants to keep it going he will need to come to me. If not, then I go on with my life and not look back, but will not hate him and will stay in touch.

I'm 55 and my first 'fiance' and I still email each other today - we rehash a lot of fun and just share new news. It's always best to part on a friendly basis unless really hurt bad, that way it makes meeting on the streets easier in the future. Broken hearts heal quite well if you have a focus - and no one individual should be the center of your universe - not the way the world is today. The only person in my past that I would never have anything to do with again is my ex-husband who was a spouse abuser - otherwise, people will be people and we all go through changes in our lives.

Chery · Feb 24, 2006, 02:02 AM

Originally Posted by jc105

This is a direct question for Wildcats, as I just thought of it.

One of the things I did to court my gf the first time was most of the sappy crap. Letters/notes/flowers and what not. She has, since this all occured, mentioned that those were some of the things she wanted back. That would definitly ride right next to the fact that I need to appreciate her more in general (Wonder why she wants to leave right?). But should I/WE-ALL avoid the sappy crap anyway or atleast until we are done being their friend again. Also while you were being your girl's friend after the psuedo-reunite, when did you know you had her back? I am asking very specific questions, not for a template but for a case study. I know that my situation will be slightly different, but it will help me more if I can see a little of what she may be thinking.

It will take me a while to resolve to forget her. Also some more questions....

I know you did STUFF to help pass the time, but did you change your thought process, and decide to forget her, or hope in silence?

As I said before, each relationship is different. Some gals like the romantic, spontaneous and humor in their lives - depending how they were raised. Others cannot show emotions because they never received any guiding in that area - yes, some parents can be downright cold and distant and this is what molds a person's personality. That, plus the good or bad influence they let into their lives along the way.

If you find the right person, you grow together and advance in the relationship and gain confidence and trust in each other. Make certain that you can spat and still go to bed not mad at each other, keep humor in your lives and be able to communicate about anything under the stars. The thought process you are talking about grows as you grow together and almost become one - keeping individuality though, is also very important. And, then remember, no person is 100% perfect - but as long as there is willingness to share - you can't go wrong.

About forgetting - no way, we never forget, it just loses strength and pain, and we file it away. It's part of the process of learning from influence in your life. And about hope - there's always hope as long as you live - put it in the appropriate perspective though.

It's better to have tried for that bit of happiness, than run away from it - you might miss your chance in life.

jc105 · Feb 24, 2006, 06:52 AM

Yeah. Thanks again everyone.

I talked to my girl last night, she had another hard day. Friends grandmother died, so very touchy. But I did tell her I was not going to stop her and it really feels OK that she is going to leave. I am only afraid that I may lose interest, but who knows now. Love is crazy and we will see where it takes us.

My advice at this point to anyone, is to look to your friends. Although she may be gone and you feel like there is no one to talk to. Your friends will still be there. They will tell you whatever you need to hear, and not in a bad way.

I am going to try to have a good time during the break, or for the rest of my life, whichever ends first!

Again Good Luck everyone.

fredg · Feb 24, 2006, 07:20 AM

Hi,
The answers you have received are Excellent. I tried giving Chery another "approval", but got the pop-up!
At 24 yrs old, I was married for the first time to a 20 yr old lady. Knew her for 4 yrs before we got married. Had 2 sons. But, it didn't work out. I was divorced with 2 boys, ages 5 and 6, paying child support (for a LONG time).
After a year, met another lady. We had a good relationship for 2 yrs, and then got married... been 29 years now!
Life is strange, and the only way for me is to just accept what happens, do something about if I can. If not, then go on to the next issue.
At 20 yrs old, I got my first "Dear John" letter from my 4 yrs. Old High school sweetheart. I thought after college for both of us, we would eventually be married... didn't work out, she found someone else while going to a different college than me.
If things don't work out for you, you will never forget her. Happiness will return, and you will remember her and the good times for as long as you live.
I do wish you the best of luck. Forgetting someone isn't really "forgetting". Getting over the hurt does take time. Know what helps the most? Meet and talk with new girls!

Wildcat21 · Feb 24, 2006, 09:15 AM

Dude - I don't care what she is going through... cut the contact... your just being a 'nice guy' and killing the attraction. You moving quickly into her friend zone... never to return. Trust me. She fired you. You're not going gwork your way back.

The romantic stuff is great IN SMALL DOSES - AND ONLY IF SHE IS INTO IT. Some women, as Chery stated, can not handle the romanic stuff - it makes them reoulsed and, as Chery stated.

I have a strong feeling you over did it. Ughhhhh and yo udid it early on? She probably liked it for a while and the attention... then became repulsed - she won't ever tell you that either.

Even if your gal likes it... do it VERY small doses... LESS IS ALWAYS MORE WITH WOMEN. Few romanic things... fewer calls... fewer times seeing your mug...

It keeps them WANTING... you over do it or do it often and it means NOTHING to them. NOTHING!!

So please take great care in the romantic stuff - stuff like that WILL push them away - always. I'd say 85% of the time you treat a gal like you treat your friends - tease them, make her laugh, bust on her, talk serious, LISTEN to her... about 15% or less be more romantic.

To get my gal back... I cut the contact for 3 months... she called 3 times during that time... at the end she tried to show up to parties and places I was supposed to be at - but I had good intelegence and didn't show. I fianally called her - short call - asked to meet for coffee and catch up... we chatched briefy through out the weeks - I wouldn't always return her call right away... break a date... be busy. I changed my way - she wasn't as important - wasn't my life anymore and she loves me for that. Slowly worked my way back - NEVER talked to her every day. No e-mails no text. The key is to figure out WHAT pushed her away - and then change - SHOW you've changed.

But by being there still for her, she'll never come back. PEOPLE WANT WHAT THEY CAN'T HAVE. She has you.

You sound a little needy - I hope you didn't do too much romantic stuf? I bet you called her 5 times a day? I bet you were too available to her?? Always there - never saying no. Blowing off your friends.

You need a life and she has a life... never neglect the other things in life - work, friends, family etc.

I have a feeling you put her on a pestal? Yuck.

Women don't think in logic... they aren't guys - it's the #1 things guys don't get!! They use their felings. It's how you make them feel - do they feel good around you? Are they sick of you?

My gal Loves tulips... I would buy her tulips everyday if I could - but she would be repulsed by this - I'd buy her a field of tulips... but she would hate it. I buy her tulips every now and then. Less is more.

Lansing · Feb 24, 2006, 09:37 AM

Wildcat tells the truth...

I think I gave the last girl I was dating some "mixed" signals of whether I was interested or not and she sort of called me on it. At the time, I was confused what I wanted so I pulled back. However, now, I realize that I do like her and I guess part of this realization comes from the fact that she pushed me away. I am now trying to not come across as "needy"/desperate/etc...

However, on whether ex's come back... In general, I would just say look to moving forward. A lot of the reason why most people want to get back together with an ex is that they don't want to have to go through the process of meeting new people,etc,etc...

talaniman · Feb 24, 2006, 09:51 AM

"However, on whether or not ex's come back... In general, I would just say look to moving forward. A lot of the reason why most people want to get back together with an ex is that they don't want to have to go through the process of meeting new people,etc,ect."Quote from Lansing!Fear of the unknown and just plain lazy will make you a whiney boy everytime:cool: :)

Chery · Feb 24, 2006, 10:35 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

"However, on whether or not ex's come back... In general, I would just say look to moving forward. A lot of the reason why most people want to get back together with an ex is that they don't want to have to go through the process of meeting new people,etc,ect."Quote from Lansing!Fear of the unknown and just plain lazy will make you a whiney boy everytime:cool: :)

There is something to the laziness and/or fear of rejection that we all go through, but it usually has to be resolved and we go on with our lives with more experience under our belts.

Those lazy routines can get old quick enough, so you have to keep going, either with your current partner or a new one. Nobody likes things to get 'old' or 'comfy' - these are relationship killers too! So, for the future, think about getting spontaneous.

Wildcat21 · Feb 24, 2006, 03:22 PM

Two huge reasons for the no contact rule...

1. you have to give them the gift of missing you.

2. you need time to get thme out of your head, gain your power back, figure out what pushed them a way and fix it.

jc105 · Feb 27, 2006, 09:51 AM

Agreed, telling her that I was OK with her going and NOT showing her the emotion got her to lighten up, not reconsider, but lets just say it was a VERY good weekend. Even though she is still moving.

About me being TOO romantic, ROFLMAO! Not I sir. In the beginning a little, but one of her complaints is that she feels like we are friends that... You know.

That is what I am working against. We already have plans for the day after she moves out. I know that becoming a friend is NOT what I want and she is well aware. Eitherway we will see, I may try to blow off the date (Not remind her, etc) She got real antsy when I mentioned that I was hanging with one of my old friends (She thinks he is a player, lol) and she is scared. (Or at least that is how I interpret her reaction.

Wildcat you are right about giving them space a letting them miss you. For me, I am not so romantic and NEVER do the nice stuff... Which is why she is leaving... partly. Mostly for freedom, but a bit is my fault, and even some is my A**hole friends.

Keep truckin/

Wildcat21 · Feb 27, 2006, 10:10 AM

Well - I actually think that's good that you don't do a lot of romantic stuff. Women SAY they want all that... but you do too much and they will leave. You do that romatic few and far between and you are OK.

Don't let her ever dictate who you hang out with... if the guy is a good guy.

I have a friend who just went through no contact... he saw his gal in a new light... she was out with some creep she had dated before him... he was repulsed, go all his power back because he was on a date with a hot gal... his old gal wanted his attention and he did nothing. He is over her now.

Sometimes we have a DREAM of what the relationship should be... BUT IT'S NEVER REALITY OR THE TRUTH!!

Chery · Mar 5, 2006, 10:13 AM

I think her moving is good for both of you to figure out what attracted you in the first place and also see what qualities you miss in each other. Also what each of you have invested in the relationship to help it grow.

As said, some girls like spontaneous romance, and it's nothing for a man to be squeemish about - romance never dies - it's not a chore, but something you should think about freely and tenderly.

If you are not into this, for some reason or another, then a part of your emotional make-up is missing. You'll eventually find it and the macho will get a place in the back row soon enough if you really have a future because you'll both meet each other half-way.

Good luck, and look ahead.

If romance if really dead, then why is there a Valentine's Day and those special surprise gifts that some men think about? There is an even amount to share and not overdo it.