[kildarebabe]

I love my boyfriend so much but feel like I'm giving more than he is to our relationship...
5 out of 7 nights of the week I spend in his houose but he won't make an effort to come see me when I can't get over to his... he says he can't live with me because he doesn't want to leave his mother on her own... I have decided not to push this... he car is useless and I want to sell mine... we had decided on buying a big one together but when it came to the time to decide on what car he opted out... I'm slowly losing my mind... I love him but feel like I'm wasting my time sometimes as he doesn't make a big effort for me...

Some of my friends say I'm pushing it but I don't think so... I am just thinking about the future and I don't see any harm in it...

Any ideas?

[JBeaucaire]

You are pushing. Everyone knows it but you.

You're trying to turn him into a husband. Living together, buying stuff together, this is married behavior. He's resisting these things because he's SMART. Consciously or subconsciously he knows doing those things is total trouble and is not letting it happen.

Too bad you see his smartness as a bad thing. Both of those ideas are horrible, and if they were your ideas, then you need to start following his lead more.

He doesn't feel the need to hang out with you every night of the week. I would agree, you don't need that.

He doesn't want to shirk some of his existing real responsibilities (with Mom) for the sake of a new relationship (you). I would agree that is not only a good thing, but good for you, too. If you two ever reach the point of permanent commitment (WAAAAY in the future), then you know he's a man who stand by his commitments.

"We had decided to buy [a car] together" was absolutely your idea and he just stopped resisting you on it when you discussed it... he agreed in spirit. But when the time came to commit to it (bad idea) he finally stood his ground. I think this is also good for you to know, your guy won't let himself be bullied into making bad choices, so that will also work in your favor in the future.

My ideas? Be a better girlfriend. Stop pressuring him to be anything other than that. It takes TIME, nothing else will do, for a guy to properly/fully know a girl enough to decide to elevate her status above all other things in his life. A LOT of time.

Be a great girl, give him all the time it takes, and realize he doesn't owe you anything other than respect. If he gives that (which isn't the same thing as giving you your way), then you're in a great place with a great guy.

[talaniman]

Well dear, you've been pushing this guy for a while now, and gotten nowhere. I don't think it wise to share finances with someone who will not commit. Frankly I think he is right and you should back off and rethink this thing in a more realistic way. As in build your own life. His actions tell it all!! You are choosing to ignore what he shows you.

[yeye82]

My experience... the boundary of sharing in any relationship is broaden over time with mutual trust and respect and understanding... not just about your own likes and dislikes.

[kildarebabe]

It Was His Idea To Buy A Car... His Car Is Wrecked And He Bought A Van For Himself And Suggested We Get A Big Car Together As Mine Is Very Small...

[talaniman]

we had decided on buying a big one together but when it came to the time to decide on what car he opted out.

Forgive me but I have become very skeptical of what people post, and what is true. For whatever reason he changed his mind.

5 out of 7 nights of the week I spend in his houose but he won't make an effort to come see me when I can't get over to his..

This alone would be making you back off, some as this is not an equal relationship at all.

He says he can't live with me because he doesn't want to leave his mother on her own... I have decided not to push this...

You should at least discuss your future and come to some type of common ground, where your both at least going in the same direction. Is his mother that ill, or is this an excuse to not commit?

[kildarebabe]

His mother just turned 46... is in great health... has a partner of her own...

[mafiaangel180]

You say you spend 5 days a week with him, yet you are upset when he doesn't come over when you aren't there?? He probably wants some time to himself. Personally, you probably are spending too much time with him, and he is just being nice and not saying anything. Because he loves you. And yes, it does sound like you are trying to turn him into a husband. I would back off a bit. See him 2 times a week. Let him come to you. You have to think you are worth it enough to have him chase you. You don't always have to be all up on him.

[talaniman]

She is not that old, and apparently can do her own thing, so he is making excuses, so I strongly advise you back off, and let him realise what it is he wants to do. You need your own life, that you are happy with, and balance, is the key. You spend way too much time on this fellow. The relationship is very unequal right now.

[JBeaucaire]

Seems like you're not only wasting his time, your wasting ours, too. We give you our best insights, but you seem to be in "correction mode" rather than "maybe this is helpful info mode"... so good luck with that. You two are going to need it.

If you are interested in our feedback though, this is how you get it, but the feedback is practical and usually not couched in soft words, so you have to be ready to hear straight talk, too. Sometimes rude is still pretty close to accurate.

But to be fair, I guess you told us that in your original post: "some of my friends say i'm pushing it but i dont think so... i am just thinking about the future and i dont see any harm in it...." Based on that, if you're fine with what you think and why, then our opinions aren't going to do much for you, are they?

[yeye82]

My experience... it's not about who's right and/or who's wrong... accept the fact that your methodologies are not working and make changes. It's easier to make changes to yourself than changing others. Change - start from what's inside you (your thoughts), and everything (outside) will unfold itself.