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silverdoller01 · Mar 18, 2008, 06:31 PM

MY boyfriend just stopped having sex. He is 20+ years older than me I'm not sure how to bring it up that I would like sex with out getting to close on maybe he just don't work anymore. Any idea's?
I love Him very much, so I don't want to leave Him.

Marriedguy · Mar 18, 2008, 06:41 PM

Your message is kind of unclear. Is your boyfriend 20 years old than you? What do you mean he stopped having sex how long has it been? Month, six months, a year?

He could have stop having sex for a number of reasons but without details I couldn't tell you. How is work? Is he stressed out? How is his health? Men's sex drives do slow down when they get older. Do you initiate sex or are you waiting for him to initiate? If you don't initiate doesn't he stop you?

silverdoller01 · Mar 18, 2008, 06:52 PM

(Sorry first time ever doing this) Yes he is 20 years older than me. He's my first and there wasn't all that much sex going on but about 4 months ago it just stopped all together.I have been living with him for 1 1/2 years.

He isn't all that happy at His job.Health is good as far as I know, he's not really stressed. I do a little initiating ( I'm extremely shy) but it doesn't lead to sex. We do have a little different lifestyle and I'm not always sure if should initiate.

Fr_Chuck · Mar 18, 2008, 07:14 PM

Ok, again, no real help, he is still 20 years older, but are you 12 or are you 20, are you 40

If he is 50 and above it is common to have performance issues, and he may be having trouble.

You need to be open in talking about sex to him, if it is not fun for him, he may have little interest. So what has he said is the problem, have you talked about what each of you likes, what games, perhaps role playing, dress up, and so on.

silverdoller01 · Mar 19, 2008, 05:39 AM

I'm 25. He is in is 50's. He hasn't said anything about having a problem other then he doesn't need viagra. There are games and such. I haven't brought it up I'm not sure of a right way.

kp2171 · Mar 19, 2008, 08:21 AM

if he is not initiating now there's either an issue or its just how he is wired. Either way, he doesn't seem to be facing the reality that you want sexual attention, and he is being an inconsiderate and lazy lover.

in cases like this, when there's an issue in a relationship that can severely damage it, you need to get over your shyness and you need to talk it out. Give that other person a chance to understand what your needs are and give them the chance to change things.

its not an easy topic, but you seriously need to overcome your fears. The moment you open up about sex, the better it becomes. I've been married for eight years, talk very openly with my wife about sex... needs, what's working, what isn't... and I'm still learning. Without communication, you are setting yourself up for frustration... in this relationship or in others.

you don't have to attack him. Simply state "so its been four months since weve had sex and im missing it." and see where this leads.

let him be a little defensive, as he might be at first. But if you stand your ground that sex can be a healthy part of a relationship, allowing you to intimately connect emotionally as well as physically, you aren't attacking. You are stating the truth.

he might have his reasons. He might feel intimidated, not sure how he sizes up to guys closer in age. He might simply be less interested. He might have ED issues. I know you said that he told you he doesn't... OK... is that the truth?

and concerning initiation... both partners want to be chased. Sometimes you initiate, sometimes he should. Its nice when both people show interest and take the other partner to the bedroom. But some people just aren't initiators... and if he's like that even in the absence of any mental or physical blocks, you are likely to always find yourself being the aggressor.

the age difference might be throwing in some other variables, but there are women with men closer in age going through the same things. Sexual compatibility, esp with you being so young, is something worth talking about and part of forging most healthy relationships.

its one thing to not be able to have sex. Its another to simply discard it as a distraction when the other partner clearly is intersted and in need.

oneguyinohio · Mar 19, 2008, 08:31 AM

Originally Posted by silverdoller01

We do have a little different lifestyle and i'm not always sure if should initiate.

I'm wondering what you meant by lifestyle. Is it a religious based life style or cultural such as an arranged marriage.

That information might help in offering suggestions.

silverdoller01 · Mar 19, 2008, 08:52 AM

Thank you... Kp2171.. I think he was truthful when he said he don't need it.. I'm not much of a chaser, maybe I do need to try some. And I will try to ask and get over my shyness.

silverdoller01 · Mar 19, 2008, 08:53 AM

oneguyiohio------To the different lifestyle = BDSM.

kp2171 · Mar 19, 2008, 08:55 AM

Well... my point wasn't just you try to get over your shyness... it was that he needed to chase you.

And if he's into bdsm and you aren't... its probably a really bad sexual match.

oneguyinohio · Mar 19, 2008, 09:08 AM

Ahhh... then I think the talking with him and trying to find out if he is still interested in the same style is in order. It might possibly be that time has changed some of the desires such as if he wants to be the aggressor or if he now may view you as more of an equal that he doesn't feel the same passions about dominating. I am only assuming those roles since you mentioned being very shy.

Those perceptions might play a role in how interested he is in continuing the roles that you have previously been in. Hopefully, there will be a way for the two of you to find a path that satisfies both of you. It might mean you becoming a little more aggressive, and him feeling comfortable being a little more submissive... if you both agree and are comfortable doing so.

silverdoller01 · Mar 19, 2008, 09:15 AM

kp2171..

Aha, OK.We both are into it.

talaniman · Mar 19, 2008, 09:28 AM

Forget the sex for a moment, and describe the relationship please. I just ask as the gap is even greater than me, and my daugthers, so I'm curious as to what you do in common.

silverdoller01 · Mar 19, 2008, 09:40 AM

We get along great do all kinds of things we have great time together and we can just sit with out it being uncomfortable. He knew I am quiet and has told me he liked it. I may not be into everything he is but I do give things a try and find things he likes to be interesting.
Hope that helps some I'm terrible at this stuff.

kp2171 · Mar 19, 2008, 09:57 AM

So what you do in the bedroom isn't as issue at all... its just getting him into the bedroom.

Time to talk it out. Sex is rarely as good as it could be without open communication.