[frangipanis]

I'm in love with someone who confuses me. One minute he's talking about possibly moving in together and taking the lead on progressing our relationship further, and the next he seems cold and distant.

We've already established relationships with each other's kids and families, we work together, are in contact everyday, and spend time together on the weekends and usually once through the week. Only yesterday he was keen to ask if I'd like to take another trip overseas with him this July, and of course, I'm happy he's asked and I'd love to be with him - plus it sounds great.. :)

I know he is still very cautious about not wanting to get into a relationship that may suddenly turn sour on him and so I think he tends to control our relationship in funny ways to slow it down.. at least, that's what I think is going on in his mind??

When I recently expressed doubts about his intentions and how he seems to want the best of all worlds, he suddenly put the brakes on. He explained to me that it is crucial for me to understand that he has strong values and that he wants me to trust him implicitly. And as he has had relationships come undone through intense jealousy and mistrust, he couldn't bare to go through that sort of rubbish again.

So okay. I get it.

He actually trusts me more than he has trusted any woman in his life. And I have reassured him about bucket loads of concerns he's had to do with women. He knows his finances are safe, for instance. I get on well with his ex wife and his kids like me. His last girlfriend was violent, whereas I'm fairly easy going.

So something I have a huge problem with is that he has rarely phoned me since our first argument, and waits for me to make the call. And if I don't call in the evening (like this evening), I don't hear from him. He has also said things like not being able to promise we'll be together in 5, 10 or 20 years time... then in a happy and secure moment, has told me that he has contemplated spending our lives together. Because I was getting so confused, I mentioned that it must be awkward having someone like me love him so much, to which he said NO, not at all, since he feels the same as I do..!

I've tried to say to him that I think relationships are about two people getting their basic needs met, and in some ways, I feel my needs are ignored. I've been explicit in saying I want to spend time with him (just him) every few days at least, and that I need a certain amount of routine so that I can plan my days and get to do some of the things I enjoy doing outside the relationship, and so that my children can feel more settled. I had hoped that he would stick to seeing each other Monday evenings when he comes to my home for dinner, and Thursday when I see him, and then to talk about what we want to do over the weekend. But all this has been ignored, and all he has said about it is that it doesn't leave much room to be surprised.

There are other attitudes of his that confuse me, that if I went into here, would make this entry far too long. Basically though, I want to ask if anyone thinks I'm missing something here?

I love him very much and know I have a wonderful man in my life. And if he were to ask me to marry him, I'd say yes. However, I'm not keen on being someone's gum-ball, or wasting too much of life watching the goal posts change every five minutes that may eventually lead to no-where.

[N0help4u]

He sounds like he may be using his hurt too much for a crutch.
He sounds like he may be starting to feel you have too many differences and your telling him you like routine and he likes 'spur of the moment' surprises he may feel like he doesn't want to impose so is leaving the phone calls up to you.
He may well be distant because he has been hurt and he may be trying to take it slow and
Cautious to see where it leads.

[Marriedguy]

I have to disagree on your view of relationships. You state that relationships are formed to satisfy a basic need, this is common misconception. Relationship shouldn't be formed out of necessity but from the desire and want of being involved with a loving and caring person.

With that being said let me start in on your post. You left out an important piece of information, how long have you guys been together.

Now, most men are transparent and when there are not it really worries me. He has to make a decision whether not he is going to come to the table with 100% or not. It's not fair to enter relationship and say I don't want to go all in because I'm afraid that the relationship will end on bad terms. If he felt this way he should not have started dating.

“And as he has had relationships come undone through intense jealousy and mistrust, he couldn't bare to go through that sort of rubbish again.” First question I had about this was whose intense jealousy and mistrust? His didn't trust the ex-girlfriend or she didn't trust him. I can only surmise that his ex acted in violence because she felt cheated on.

“He has also said things like not being able to promise we'll be together in 5, 10 or 20 years time” No one can really promise that, because tomorrow is not promised to any of us. He could have told you that he wanted to be with you in the next 5, 10, 20 years but in did not.

He is sending mixed messages. And I think this because he does not want to commit to you or anyone for that matter. Because you are easy going you are not holding him accountable. He doesn't call you call him.

What was this argument about?

What you need to do is ask him to clarify his intentions, not where does he see this relationship going, but where does he want out of this relationship? If his wants and desires don't mirror yours, I suggest you end this. You want to be married he may not. You may want to spend the rest of your life with him and he may not.

[frangipanis]

I created a bit of a mess here, so retyped it below...

[frangipanis]

[I]I have to disagree on your view of relationships. You state that relationships are formed to satisfy a basic need, this is common misconception. Relationship shouldn’t be formed out of necessity but from the desire and want of being involved with a loving and caring person.

Sorry, I hadn't expressed myself too well. Wanting to be involved with a loving and caring person is given for me, and was the basis for us entering into a relationship in the first place. We both started feeling the same way, and both continue to have strong feelings for each other. Relationships can get messy though, and I believe we have entered a messy phase.

With that being said let me start in on your post. You left out an important piece of information, how long have you guys been together.

We met through an online dating site last July and originally started talking just as friends. We got to know a lot about each other before we met (having talked online for about a month), and then on our second date, it was clear there was a chemistry between us. It was the first time I had ever used online dating and over a period of a few months, I had met a few other men just for coffee. He was the only person I genuinely wanted to know better. I really like this man -- I love who he is.

Now, most men are transparent and when there are not it really worries me. He has to make a decision whether not he is going to come to the table with 100% or not. It’s not fair to enter in relationship and say I don’t want to go all in because I’m afraid that the relationship will end on bad terms. If he felt this way he should not have started dating.

There's no doubt about his sincerity. Once we got involved, it was clear our hearts were heading in the same direction, and he has proven his sincerity a hundred fold, time and again. I just think he has wanted to leave some room for doubt, so that we're both protected as well as our children. He really doesn't want to make another big mistake.

And as he has had relationships come undone through intense jealousy and mistrust, he couldn't bare to go through that sort of rubbish again.” First question I had about this was whose intense jealousy and mistrust? His didn’t trust the ex-girlfriend or she didn’t trust him. I can only surmise that his ex acted in violence because she felt cheated on.

His ex was extremely jealous and suspicious all the time -- and he assures me there was absolutely no reason for her to feel that way. It's fairly clear from what he has told me that she has a real problem. Violence is never acceptable. She is violent, not him.

He has also said things like not being able to promise we'll be together in 5, 10 or 20 years time”. No one can really promise that, because tomorrow is not promised to any of us. He could of told you that he wanted to be with you in the next 5, 10, 20 years but in did not.

Oddly enough, this is one person who I could easily make a promise to, so it hurts to hear him say that. I thought of it as a message of non-commitment -- easy come, easy go, type of thing. He says I have misinterpretted what he meant when saying this, which he finds that frustrating.

He is sending mixed messages. And I think this because he does not want to commit to you or anyone for that matter. Because you are easy going you are not holding him accountable. He doesn’t call you call him.

I really do find his actions in this regard difficult to understand. We had a lovely weekend and I would have liked him to have called last evening to say goodnight.

What was this argument about?

Our argument came about when I expressed the concern that his lifestyle and behaviour at times lends itself perfectly to him being able to explore relationships with other women without me even knowing about it, and that it had caused me a lot of anxiety. He said he was shocked to hear me say that since he had no idea I felt that way, and he was sure he had been giving me reassuring messages throughout our relationship - through what he has said and done. He was really peeved that I could suggest he would ever cheat - on anyone. It's because he was so shocked that he wanted to reset our relationship. He felt that all the good between us had been forgotten.

I might add here that only a week after we returned from holiday last January, his daughter became seriously depressed and was hospitalised. Although her depressive episode was clearly not directly caused by his father and I being together and he reassures me that all his children like me, it did take the shine out of our relationship. Up until that time, he had been feeling extremely positive about the changes we had made to our lives since we met, and had been looking forward to more of the same this year.

His daughter had been suicidal about 8 months before we met. His ex wife is a practicing psychologist who deals with people who are suicidal and he is a good father, so I have every faith in their ability to help their daughter through. I believe his daughter was feeling confident around Christmas and went off her anti-depressents, that caused her mood to spiral. She also had problems with her boyfriend at the time.

So it does get complicated... thanks for taking your time with this.

And yes, I agree that he may have been using his hurt as a crutch, though possibly not consciously.

[frangipanis]

I thought I should clarify that there are two ex's. His ex wife who I have no real problem with, and in fact I like her, and the woman he fell in love with after he was divorced, who he really wanted to give his all to, who was violent and cheated on him. Plus she tried to extract his property from him through a separation settlement after being together on and off for two years. Hence his extreme caution to do with women in general.

I let him know today that I didn't know what was meant by him not phoning and he explained that he feels fine about us, but that he really can't stand speaking on the phone much, as he usually only has long conversations to talk about problems. Plus he feels our relationship has been through that phase where talking a lot on the phone was part of getting to know each other. Hmm... I've told him that my needs are fairly basic, and that at least a five minute call with reassuring words is needed to make me feel appreciated.

As he has been so good to me in a lot of different ways, I feel I should cut him a little slack at this time. He mostly thrives on taking the lead and solving problems for people he cares about, but sometimes he can feel drained with so many people counting on him.

However, I do feel somewhat buffeted around by his moods and whims and I'm glad to be reminded to hold him accountable. I'd like the chance to be relaxed and secure enough for a while to discover what I really want out of our relationship. I know for sure that if I ever lived with someone again, I would like my own room, which going slow in our relationship has shown me. So I'm also glad that he's had enough maturity to have wanted to go carefully as well.

Relationships get messy, hey :)