[ihatewestseneca]

I just want to say thank you to everyone who gave me such great advice on this thread. I haven't checked her Facebook since this thread, but the temptations are there. However, whenever I'm tempted, I just re-read this thread.

Thanks again everybody!

[ISneezeFunny]

Way to go west.

Hope things are going well for you.

[ihatewestseneca]

Things are going very well... today is a great day, I may have a project due in an hour that I have no hope of finishing on time, I couldn't care less. I feel good today, and my hair looks amazing. You know those days where you wake up and shower and whatnot and you look in the mirror and you're like "Damn! i look good". This may be a bit feminine, but I don't care.

[ISneezeFunny]

Hahahaha the good hair days.

Sadly, I really don't care about the way I look... and it shows. Currently, I'm wearing a gray shirt with brown lounge pants and some pumas. I'm at work like this. I'm going to class like this. If all goes well, I might go out tonight like this. My hair?. not styled in any way shape or form.

But I know what you mean.

[ihatewestseneca]

I received an email from one of my ex's friends at her college... she wrote that she think my ex and her new boyfriend don't "mesh" well, and wants me to make more of an effort to try and win my ex back. She admits that she doesn't know the whole story, just what my ex told her, but she said she doesn't believe that I ever treated her badly, and she thinks that ex just left me for someone else.

Lauren (my ex's friend) is a smart girl, though very nosey. She continues to say that my ex's new boyfriend is transferring out of that school, and that my ex is thinking about following him. Lauren also thinks that I should talk to my ex and convince her that it's a bad idea... how precious...


I haven't written back, and I probably won't, if I did though it would probably be something like, "i dont care, if she wants to make bad choices, let her"
So what gives? Is this just a concerned friend? Or my ex trying to mask her identity? Either way, I don't really care, but I guess that fact that I'm writing this here means that I do, at least a little. I know I should just ignore this, but I do want what's best for my ex and it would be a shame if she were to just follow some guy around and never learn to stand on her own two feet... but its really not up to me I guess.

[confused25]

I understand where your coming from. You still care about your ex and as a result you don't want her to screw up her life. You want to try to help her out, and heck maybe if you do that she'll realize what a great person you are. Problem is that it's not your place to do so anymore. In fact, if you try to help it might just make her angry.

It was about a week ago that I saw my ex and she looked very sad and depressed. She was eating all by herself and I wanted so badly to go and talk to her and see what was wrong. But I knew that would have probably made things worse, especially because we haven't talked in close to 3 months. She always told me she wasn't some child who needed to be taken care of, so if I tried to do something she might have just thrown it back in my face.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that your ex needs to make her own mistakes and learn from them. On top of that, you have no real idea if there is something wrong and your friend is just jumping to conclusions (heck maybe my ex just had a really bad cold and that's why she looked sad). As much as it hurts she is no longer a part of your life. It was her choice and she needs to deal with the consequences.

If I were you I would e-mail your friend back. I would tell her that you really care about your ex and that you miss her. However, your ex is a grown woman and has to make the decisions she feels are best for her life, as a result you will not get involved. Let her know that you have already tried to win her back once and that failed. If she wants a second shot at the relationship than she will make the effort to contact you. Thank her for the concern and say goodbye.

I think if you do this it shows that you are not a cold person and that you care. However, your mature enough to not get involved. This is just my opinion. Wait to see what other people think.

[Alty]

When I am hurting because of someone else and I really want to tell that other person why, I find it very useful to write my feelings in a journal. Instead of writing to her, write everything down in a letter that you will never send. Pour your heart out, anything goes because you are the only one who will ever read it. You'll be surprised how much it helps to let it all out.

I wouldn't respond to her email, it sounds like she is just fishing for info, you're her backup in case things don't work out with the other guy. Deep down she knows you still care about her and she wants you to know that she's still out there. Don't do it, the only one you'll be helping is her and you'll start right back at the bottom.

There is a wonderful girl out there waiting for you, one day you'll be ready to meet her and then you'll never look back. Your ex will be just a memory and your future will be wonderful. Good luck.

[ihatewestseneca]

Well, I barley know her friend that emailed me, we met once when I visited my ex at school one time, before we broke up. So I don't know this girl at all, just what I know from what my ex told me about her, and that she is nosey and should mind her own business sometimes... although I think I will email her and tell her that my ex has the right to make her own choices and that I can't influence her decisions in any way.

[kp2171]

Well.. unless this friend of hers has some unforeseen desire for you to be happy (which is NOT the same as her wanting her friend to be happy), I think this email might be well intentioned, but not necessarily a boom to you.

I mean... if things were going well, she wouldn't write you, right? I mean, this friend wouldn't have said... "look, you are right for her and he isnt, even though its smooth sailing, just dont give up"... right?

So now that things aren't perfectly in line (and you Don't know that that is true) she's probably just looking out for her friend... making sure that she has a cushion to land on if she falls on her arse. Fun being treated like a cushion? Nope.

The other angle I can think of is that she is feeling you out for the ex. I mean, we ALL want our ex's to pine for us... we all want them to miss all the great things and think "i blew it" to some degree. Everybody does the "does she think about be" thing. So... is the friend of the ex just trying to see if you are moving on, or if you are hanging on? Could be.

Not to say she couldn't just be telling the truth. I dated a wild girl once, and after shed dated me, and essentially was my girlfriend, she took me back home to meet her friends. Now... I knew this girl loved me as much as she could, but I knew this wasn't going to be a long term relationship without a break somewhere... she was career driven and no guy was going to keep her from doing her dream job... (undercover DEA)... so she figured shed get married maybe a dozen or years down the line, when she was tired of getting shot at and wanted to be tied down. But the friend came right up to me, at a bar, and said "shes never getting married, you know"... not "hey, nice to meet you"... not "howd you keep her tied down this long"...

Now, different situation... but it startled me, perhaps as this email hit you. Out of the blue. Unexpected. Now what the hell do I do stuff... and I honestly don't think the friend was asked to say this... I think she saw her friend in a serious relationship, and she knew her nature enough to know it wouldn't last, at least at that time.

But my situation was easier than yours... I knew this from the start. Yes, I loved her. Yeah, I might have married her sometime down the line... we had enough in common... but she was clear on her priorities, and I knew where they were.

Your situation is different. Suddenly if you do nothing you might kick yourself about "what if"...

Don't.

If your ex isn't willing to chase you down some... she doesn't want it bad enough. You might miss her... but I would hope that if she called you up today and said I need you back, you'd hesitate some.

She shouldn't just want you, or the comfort of the familiar... she should want you and be willing to work for it. She has something to prove, if she means it.

And a friend saying "try harder in case it falls apart" just doesn't cut it buddy. You don't need to be mean, but you WANT her arse to hit the turf hard if it doesn't work out.

I think you know this. Your last post showed you have your head in the right place, even if it's a pain in the arse to fight all the stupid noise.

[ihatewestseneca]

I agree entirely kp... if she did call me up I would hesitate a lot, probably tell her no deal. But I do still care and I don't want her to make poor choices and whatnot, but I've accepted that its her party and I can't tell her who's invited.

I haven't responded quite yet, and I'm thinking about just letting it go and let her keep guessing in case my ex did ask her to send it.

You're also right about her having to work if she wants me back, she chased me hard before we became "official" so she can do it again if she really wants to. Do I expect it? Not at all. That I am moving on, and single life is going quite swimmingly.

Thanks for everybody's advice!

[ISneezeFunny]

Glad to hear things are going well.

West, would you even consider taking your ex back? Because currently, in my situation, I def wouldn't.

Spring break started this past weekend... the ex and the new guy are on their trip. I... am stuck working all week. Boo.

[ihatewestseneca]

glad to hear things are going well.

west, would you even consider taking your ex back? because currently, in my situation, I def wouldn't.

spring break started this past weekend...the ex and the new guy are on their trip. I...am stuck working all week. boo.

I don't know... depends, if she just showed up and was like, "hey, sorry, lets try again" I would say no, but maybe if she had a really good excuse (the best excuse in the world). From what I remember she is generally a great girl, she had her faults, and she ultimately wronged me by leaving me for someone else even though she wouldn't admit it.

I don't know Sneeze, that's kind of a loaded question... but right now, I'm all good alone and I don't really want that to change right now.

[xiaocake]

Emotion is not easy to arise or end when words comes in a letter. Writing to you and your writing back will not lead you guys anywhere in your future. It is what people do that makes or ends a destiny.
I still hope you would write her back out of politeness. And when you guys are more mature than before, you would talk as friends. After all, you loved each other.

[ihatewestseneca]

So I wasn't sure if I should even start a new thread because this event didn't cause too much drama for myself, but a little bit of confusion... I was going to try and piece it together myself, but outside opinions are very welcome.

I met the ex tonight after 3 months of NC... we just met at a little restaurant, and ordered some pie... we ended up talking and catching up for 3 hours. I was honestly just being myself, and I always found it very easy to talk to her. I was a little nervous at first, but when she pulled up next to me in the parking lot, I was happy to see her. She gave me a big, tight hug (I wasn't even sure if we were going to hug). And then we sat down and I told what I've been up too and what I've done and blah blah blah I'm so charismatic and I can always make her laugh.

Then she told me about her brothers and how both of their girlfriends had broken up with them... I cracked a few jokes about how I can relate and everything. And I asked what they're reasons were for breaking up, the first one said that she was leaving for college and didn't want to string him along. I said good, better she did it now, as I winked at my ex. And the second one said that she had a lot going on and was confused about stuff and that she thinks for now she'd be better off without a boyfriend as she is finding herself too attached to him. And I said, "well... thats actually not a bad reason, i can't say that i havent benefited from being single" which I really have I think, I'm able to stand on my own two feet and I feel pretty good about not needing anyone, I have more cash, I do a lot of things/planning for myself, and I like my freedom. After I said this my ex started crying, I was shocked... I said "whats wrong?" and she said nothing and that she's glad I'm happy and everything. Then I said "well, its not like i was unhappy with the way things were before" (when we were together) and then I said "did you want me sitting around here pinning for you?" and she said no and it was good that I'm doing good. After this she didn't talk much, she asked me if I had been dating anyone, I told her about this crazy girl who told me she loved after 4 dates...

At this point I was totally comfortable, and I asked her what she had been up to, she told me some stuff about school and everything. Then I asked her about the new guy, because I was feeling pretty confident that I wasn't going to be affected by whatever she had to say, and she said that she didn't want to talk about him, and I said "no really, you can if you want to" and she refused, so I dropped it. Talked more about work and how much money I was saving, how I volunteered at a day care, how I was tutoring kids at school... I basically made myself seem amazing (which I wasn't intending, but who am I kidding right? Lol).

Then it was getting late and she was going back to school tomorrow, so we left, in the parking lot she gave me another big hug that lasted awhile, and she started crying again, she told me that she really missed me, and I told her "you have no idea how confusing you are making this for me" and she was like "i know i know, im sorry" and then she started walking away and she said that she loves me and then immediately after she said "no no, dont think about that" and hugged me again while crying. I remained calm and cool during all of this and then she asked me to call her sometime and I said we'll see... and then I left.

I don't know what to think of this... right now, I feel like she misses me as a friend, I think I could be her friend, but I still kind of want her. Yet while we were talking she was hinting at the fact that she was afraid to be alone because I mentioned my brother and his situation (poor guy is 26 and following his girl all over the country... so unhealthy). And that she was young and needed someone... I said that I was young to, and I'm fine alone. So this leads me to believe that she still has those feelings for me, but is afraid because of the distance.

Well, lay it on me people... please don't think I'm trying to get an answer like "she wants you" or whatever because I really am perfectly okay alone, and am pretty much over her. So regardless, I don't care what happens with me and this girl. If we end up together again, cool, if not, that's cool too.

Sorry this is so long! I tried to make it interesting... I think...

[talaniman]

I can't speak to her motives or actions, but its evident things are not that great with the new guy, and she may welcome your friendship. You handled yourself well though, but I caution any more contact at this point.

"no no, dont think about that"

You have come to far to go back, no matter the feelings that have been stirred up again. You have had a chance for the closure we never get, and now you can plunge ahead. What brought this on, is my question?

[TrueFaith]

Of course your thinking about having her back man and yeah you probable would love it if she said come back to me I made a huge mistake. You even saying this makes it even more evedent :) we all would love our xs to come crawling back ego booster or what.

If you was so in different you would not have had lunch with her


I think it was a nice meeting. You should have told her that until you sort yourself out. Please don't meet up with me again.

I think its damaging man I mean your just as in the dark as you guys broke up. So in the end all this lunch thing did was make you feel even more in the dark.

The term I love you. Is used way too much and way to easy.. don't read too much into this man.

And as for her having a new guy and meeting up with you I mean that doesn't really speak much about her man. I don't think she know what she wants and I think its unhealthy for you to be around a person like that

I think you should drop her out of your life and move on

I hope it works out

[ihatewestseneca]

We ran into each other at a starbucks, and she said it was really great to see me and asked if I would like to get together later... I agreed as seeing her didn't cause my stomach to punch itself.

I don't think I am going to contact her any further...

However she sent me and email just now apologizing for any confusion she had caused me tonight, and that some of the things I said had hurt her a lot (like that I'm happy alone), she said that she thought we could act like normal friends, but she guesses that that's impossible...

I just sent an email back apologizing for anything I said to hurt her, as I did not mean to and that I was just being honest... and I said that we both just want different things from each other right now.

Aaaand back to NC, as there is nothing more to say.

[ihatewestseneca]

i think it was a nice meeting. you should have told her that untill you sort your self out. please dont meet up with me again.

i think its damaging man i mean your just as in the dark as you guys broke up. so in the end all this lunch thing did was make you feel even more in the dark.

the term i love you. is used way to much and way to easy.. dont read to much into this man.

and as for her having a new guy and meeting up with you i mean that dosnt really speak much about her man. i dont think she know what she wants and i think its unhealthy for you to be around a person like that

I think you should drop her out of your life and move on

i hope it works out

The thing is, I have dropped her... I'm fine alone, and this meeting hasn't caused a lot of confusion for me... I'm just not sure what she is up to. And I wanted to update my situation

[TrueFaith]

Then nothing more needs to be said if you are fine :)

Be strong and stay at it then

And who cares what she is up to. Probable try to have her cake and eat it

[ihatewestseneca]

She just emailed me again saying that she cares about me so much, but that she doesn't want to be with me again... it kind of sucks to hear that, but deep down, I'm glad she did.