[Standing On The Wind]

I decided to search the internet about how I felt using the exact phrase 'I hate myself'. I noticed that a lot of people asked questions about how do I fix it and all their problems seemed to be things like I think I'm fat and stupid and useless but I find I just hate myself.

Every waking moment is another possibility to make my life a living hell from the simplist choices to the most extravagant plans and what I don't get is how much I just enjoy this. It is a strange sensation. Reading the articles I found other people would do things like cut themselves but I'm just to decietful id rather make sure every moment sucks for scum like me, with plans ranging from how I failed myself in high school just so id have to go through the painful process of repeating it to that if I'm hungry I won't eat until I need to, if I want a drink ill get a drink I don't like, if I really want something ill buy it and just not use it so it can sit there 1 foot away from me and I can torment myself over it, most of all I find myself repeating everything people say back until its morphed into something bad over and over in the back of my head.
The only physical pain I cause myself is unoticable like leaning purposly on a metal bar that's been in the sun all day and burns my hand, mainly I don't see doctors and put up with back pains and other things until they prohibit me from functioning in a normal manor. The only exception is scratching and biting but I don't do that often, its only when I'm really raged at myself for screwing something up or for hurting someone else's feelings.
Despite all of this I function as a normal person, I had a good upbringing of which I'm certainly not worthy of and a good life so far with out any hassles except the ones I put before me. I always fit into crowds and no one notices me, I have only 2 friends of which I hardly ever see and I only ever get into relationships so I can break them off and have another person hate me every waking moment of their life.
Writing this makes me feel good but I don't know why, I wanted to ask what all of you think? Do you occasionaly sabotage yourselves, are you as bad as me? Do you only ask questions on the internet because you don't have to deal with the consequances of people actually knowing the way you are on the inside? One thing I don't want to know is you should get help I don't know anyone or trust anyone enough to get help from them and I don't want to go to now therapy and crap the idea of that boils my blood. But if you have any ideas of what I should do or question about it that would be appreciated. Thanks.

[N0help4u]

You need more self worth and you may be bored with the every day life and need more adventure.
Figure out everything positive about you and your likes and post it and then maybe we can give you ideas of a positive direction for you.

I always fit into crowds and nobody notices me---MOST people can say this!

[Standing On The Wind]

At N0help4u request

Good things about me. And general things.

I reasonable at canoeing as a sport I came 3rd best and second best in the state a few years back.
Im good with animals most of the time, I really like them too.
Apparently I'm smart.
Im good at acupuncture have a natural talent.
Im good at Doom 2 but I've only been playing it for 13 years now or something.
Im happy with the way I look.
Im a calm person
I really like music but never let myself get into it
Im creative, but I have a fine motor problem with my fingers, and my hands shake the more I get emotional and it cycles because I hate the fact that I can't draw or write properly and it makes me angry and so my hands shake more and I keep screwing it up and I get more more pissed off with it and it just keeps going and going like that.
I'm reasonable at problem solving.
I try to be nice to people I meet so I guess I'm nice
Id die for honour, every secrete is safe every lie of mine is counted. I also believe everyday is a new day full of oppertunities that shouldn't be wasted unless your me, which then there are plenty of oppertunities to waste!

Just as a note to it isn't that I don't like not standing out it's that I try so hard not too, and it works so well, it helps me miss out on all the oppertunities like music that ill never get again. But people always still remember me for years, it is frustrating to see all this hard work going to nothing, but as I have said it is not that I think I'm useless I really am, I've never accomplished anything in my whole life except that I've not accomplished anything.
That help you?

[N0help4u]

How old are you? You sound like you are 18 going on 81
Your life is just beginning so you have a lot of potential
You just need to figure out what you could do best and go for it!

I am thinking since you like canoeing, animals and acupuncture and all the things you said about yourself,
You should get into some kind of therapeutic thing where you can help people.
Recreational Therapists

Or maybe a camp counselor for special needs kids

You could also try alternative therapy- accupuncture, reflexology, nutrition and natural supplements

[Standing On The Wind]

All right that sounds good but in all honesty helping other people has never helped me and as much as I enjoy watching other people accomplish stuff I still blame every one of their failures on me.
Ill still go home and sit in the dark an talk to myself about how much of a screw up I am. And the problem is its true I haven't ever gotten anywhere, like I said all my talent lies mainly in creative things like drawing and I can't draw because my hands are messed up. Teaching isn't my strong point either I've never seen anyone get anywhere using my advice.

I apologise to that I'm a negative person but that is what this is about. I am as far as most people are concerned to stubborn and to frustrating to work with. That's why I'm not going to any therapy last time any one ever helped me I just found a way to make it look like it had worked.

[N0help4u]

What makes you think you are a screw up?
What holds you back in this image of yourself?
You do need to help yourself first but keep those in mind.
You need to study up on some self help and maybe some psychology for now so you can get a better appreciation for YOU!
You really need to re evaluate your opinion of yourself in a positive light!

[talaniman]

Sorry you don't love yourself enough, to be happy with who you are, but you sound kind of young, and maybe your harder on yourself, than you need be. How old are you, and what is it your wanting to accomplish? If you don't know, then your still learning, and just give it time. I'm in my 50's and still trying to figure a few things out. A mentor or a trusted adult, is always good to talk to, as we all need a little experienced input, from someone that knows, sometimes.

[N0help4u]

. I'm in my 50's and still trying to figure a few things out. A mentor or a trusted adult is always good to talk to, as we all need a little experienced input, from someone that knows, sometimes.

Ain't that the truth!
I am going to be 53 in two weeks and I am just now getting a grip on what I want out of life.
Raised my kids and now left to start all over.
He has a good chance with many years to look forward to just needs to figure out how to get over the negative self image.

[Standing On The Wind]

I am 17 and as far as accomplishing things I pretty much did last year by failing school. The only thing I've ever done is fail, and I'm getting really good at it.
This is one of the reasons I bothered to ask was because like I said people when they wrote posts like these have reasons for hating themselves when I've just always been like this. I can remember when I was 4 and I was still doing the same stuff.
The only things besides failing that I've ever dreamed of was a canoeing expedition I've been planning, I wanted to go all the way around australia, probably the best thing in life I am at is never stopping what I've started which is one of the reasons I am asking now for help because I accomplished failure.
When I get frustrated I just walk for hours and forget to come home some times, the idea of being alone for a such a long time out in the open water, against all of natures harsh environments sounds so dam awesome that if I die trying then at least I died doing something and not died going the way I am. But even with that dream it doesn't help me think any better of myself and the way things are going I won't be able to get enough money because ill just keep failing at everything like always.

[N0help4u]

Okay you accomplished failure... now it is time to get on with the next phase of your life---
Goals, self-esteem, adventures, positive accomplishments!
Get a vision and work toward it. You want to canoe and do adventurous things GO for it!

[Standing On The Wind]

All right that sounds more feasible. Ill start by getting myself outa this mess I got myself into, look ahead instead of staying in this crappy situation.
When I finally accomplish my dream you will see and I hope it gives you hope and inspires all to do the same.

[N0help4u]

:D
Yes you need to think positive and how to get out of your gloom.
When you are down the only way to look is up!

What did you always want to do with music that you never did?
Much upbeat music can help get you out of the blue mood.
Get an Ipod and fill it with positive upbeat music when you are being harsh on yourself listen to it.
I can help you with a list of songs if you want to do that.

[Standing On The Wind]

Because I can't draw I always wanted to compose I just never did, its just a matter of downloading a program. Ill be fine with the music, ill write my own if everything works out.
I will tell you if it does too if your OK with that, that way you know I'm not just tricking you like I've done all my life. You work so hard to lie and you find you only end up learning that your only lying to yourself.

[N0help4u]

Often people that feel like you do are very introspective and can use it in a positive way like art, music, creative writing and expressing feelings with writing words.
I believe you have a lot of talent and potential but it is locked deep under the negativity so you need to find a balance within yourself.
You need to get your yin yang balance.

[Standing On The Wind]

I don't understand how to do that plainly, I agree with inner balance though, I just don't get how to implement it

[N0help4u]

I will try and look some things up for you.
I got to get some sleep for now.

For starters
Instead of looking up hating yourself
Try looking up HOW to love yourself

[templelane]

It sounds to me like you are suffering from perfectionism, nothing you ever do will be good enough for you. It is a major curse but also a blessing as it will allow you to achieve great things.

I've got an idea for the drawing. Have you tried computer art? I think that might work because you can easily undo mistakes, flatten out lines (Flash is great for this) and if you zoom way in when you zoom out any tremors in the line you won't be able to see.

The mouse can help you keep your hand steady. Or you can try a graphics tablet if you want to use something more like a pen. There are some computer human interface devices designed to help people with motor problems as well, you should have a look.

There is more to art than just pen and paper. If you post that specific worry up in the art section then I bet you will get tons of help and advice.

[Standing On The Wind]

I have found so far that I am already dramaticly changing just by trying to think differently but it isn't helping me. Instead I am left indecisive about how I feel about myself and I shake especially my head, hands and feet but not all together and that like I said makes me frustrated because I feel stupid doing it. I also find myself talking to myself a lot now as oppose to telling myself I'm stupid I find my thoughts being flooded with conversation as though I was talking to someone I know and they where trying to convince me I'm nice or I'm not etc. I almost never asked for help before so I am sorry if I am asking too much but I really do not understand what to do.
I find myself sitting for long periods by myself shaking and talking to myself now. Not in a insane insane way more like twitching and thinking why is it like that, why didn't you walk the dog, you should have walked the dog, the dog will be unhappy now, its your fault the dogs not happy, its not my fault someone else could have, but they didn't and just looping over and over about things.
Anything that helps stop this would be great because in simplist terms it pisses the ****s outa me, I can't concentrate when I do it my thoughts become scrambled egg.

[angelface08]

You should go to school for therapy.

[N0help4u]

I have found so far that i am already dramaticly changing just by trying to think differently but it isn't helping me. Instead i am left indecisive about how i feel about myself
frustrated becuase i feel stupid doing it.
I also find myself talking to myself alot now as oppose to telling myself im stupid i find my thoughts being flooded with conversation as though i was talking to someone i know and they where trying to convince me im nice or im not etc.

Anything that helps stop this would be great becuase in simplist terms it pisses the ****s outa me, i can't concentrate when i do it my thoughts become scrambled egg.

Your feelings are conflicting and it will take time of continuous positive thoughts. They say it takes 90 days to change your attitude/thought process.

You are doing what is called self talk which can be constructive if you don't let your thought run scrambled. Try getting your thoughts organized and constructive.
Also, you might have some OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) that is causing you to feel the way you do.

Try taking (from the health food store)
Inositol (a B vitamin) and B complex
Essential fatty acid,
GABA (if you aren't taking anti depressants),
Take for at least a month or two to notice any difference.