[Sweets1001]

My boyfriend and I have horrible communication problems. Ever since we got together I knew that I would have problems later because at the time he was living in a different town and when he was in town, I would dismiss any sort issue because I wanted everything to be good when he was here and not get into any sort of fight. At one point I thought I was in control and that I was strong enough to let things slide until I could be around him more. Now he lives here and he has lived here for about a year and half and nothing has changed. If we do get into an argument its usually about something really stupid like how something was said or if I don't answer him fast enough nothing to major, but it always ends up with me getting my feelings hurt so bad by the things he says that I can't even imagine being with him anymore. Its like he thinks something bad about me and then won't let it come out till he is so angry with me. After we fight (and usually go our separate ways) he will call a couple hours later and act like nothing happened like hey what are you doing?-do you want to come over and hang out? And I just come over and most of the time (not always) never discuss what happened. That not all that I have been stressing over but it helps to get something out. Please give me a little insight on how to be better at communicating and helping others to communicate better to me.

[Clough]

Just to get a start here, how old are you and how old is your boyfriend?

[Sweets1001]

I am 24 and he is too.

[Clough]

How long have you been going out with him?

[Sweets1001]

We've been together 2 years 3 months. I've know him since kindergarten.

[Clough]

That's a long time! Do you enjoy the times that you have together? Or, do you find that you need to be someone whom you are not in order to get along with him? Is this a person whom you really want to be with? Sorry about all of the questions! Just trying to get some kind of bearing on things here.

[Sweets1001]

Oh the questions are OK I don't get to talk to anyone really about my relationship so go ahead. I do enjoy the time I spend with him and I think that he does too, but sometimes we both seem like we are so distant from each other like maybe there is something to discuss but we both don't know how. Sometimes I do feel like I need to be someone else around him like "the perfect girl", I am always wanting to make him happy even if it doesn't make me happy.

[kielty]

My boyfriend and I have horrible communication problems. Ever since we got together I knew that I would have problems later because at the time he was living in a different town and when he was in town, I would dismiss any sort issue because I wanted everything to be good when he was here and not get into any sort of fight. At one point I thought I was in control and that I was strong enough to let things slide until I could be around him more. Now he lives here and he has lived here for about a year and half and nothing has changed. If we do get into an argument its usually about something really stupid like how something was said or if I don't answer him fast enough nothing to major, but it always ends up with me getting my feelings hurt so bad by the things he says that I can't even imagine being with him anymore. Its like he thinks something bad about me and then won't let it come out till he is so angry with me. After we fight (and usually go our separate ways) he will call a couple hours later and act like nothing happened like hey what are you doing?-do you want to come over and hang out? and I just come over and most of the time (not always) never discuss what happened. That not all that I have been stressing over but it helps to get something out. Please give me a little insight on how to be better at communicating and helping others to communicate better to me.

Don't get involved in negative relationships - you're asking to be punished. If someone can't relate to you openly, clearly and with understanding they're simply neurotic and you can't do anything about that: it's their job to work on themselves. So just walk away and be open to the next real-ationship?

[Clough]

Do you ever have times with him when both of you can just "let it all out" and "put your cards on the table" as to the way that you both feel about things?

[Sweets1001]

No

[Sweets1001]

I know that the obvious thing to do is to "walk away" but I really care for this guy and I really would like to make things work despite everything that bothers me. Its my fault just as much as his because I am not communicating any of this to him.

[Clough]

Dont get involved in negative relationships - you're asking to be punished. If someone can't relate to you openly, clearly and with understanding they're simply neurotic and you can't do anything about that: its their job to work on themselves. So just walk away and be open to the next real-ationship?

Relationships of any kind are going to have negative sides to them. That is the nature of being in a relationship. We all take risks. It is a risk to be involved in a relationship. There may be things that are redeeming about a relationship and ways that two people can use to overcome the obstacles that they will face by being in a relationship. There is no ideal relationship. It takes a lot of work on both person's part to be in a relationship. Think about marriage. Takes a tremendous amount of give and take to be in one. Not being willing to give as well as take is one of the reasons so many marriages fail these days.

[Clough]

I know that the obvious thing to do is to "walk away" but I really care for this guy and I really would like to make things work despite everything that bothers me. Its my fault just as much as his because I am not communicating any of this to him.

That's just it. You would like to make things work. Plus, the two of you have been together awhile. More discovery is needed here for others to be able to give the best advice before coming to quick conclusions as to the way a situation really is.

[Clough]

If people get close to one another on an emotional and/or intellectual level, there are bound to be times when they are going to have disagreements. Knowing how to proactively work through those disagreements is the way to achieving being together.

[Sweets1001]

Thanks I really needed to hear these things because sometimes I feel like I am being a fool. I really appreciate your advice and insight.

[Clough]

Are you having trouble coming up with the words to use in order to have a "heart-to-heart" conversation with your boyfriend where the two of you can just talk and really know what each other is feeling?

[Sweets1001]

I think of everything I want to say and I think of everything that bothers me, but when I am with him and trying to talk to him I can't think of these things and I will end up saying something I didn't plan on or say it completely wrong.

[Clough]

What would you think of changing the vocabulary of what you are saying? I know of some ways of saying things that aren't intimidating to the other person and help to make things a win-win situation on the part of both persons involved. By using a new vocabulary, you would be less likely to get nervous and forget about what you are going to say.

Are you interested in learning about that?

[Sweets1001]

Sure

[Clough]

I do notice that we are in the same time zone and that you are not logged onto this site anymore. Perhaps we will be on at the same time sometime soon. I would look forward to that! I am usually on really late at night after 10:00 P.M. If needed, I know exactly the right people on this site to ask to be a part of your thread who would be able to give you excellent advice concerning your situation. Please, just let me know...