[dhessa]

What should I do. My BF had this fling with this girl and he got her pregnant. But he chooses me. but the thing is we are in a long distance relationship. I am getting paranoid, I always have doubts on him. I don't want him to see this child and this girl. He said he would never see that girl. I do believe him, but at some point I always have doubt that maybe there is somebody else beside that pregnant girl. And we can't talk about this pregnant girl, he always get mad when we are talking about the issue. I told him, it is okay if "He" let me know that he'll be seeing this girl and child.. its really okay with me. as long as I know what he is doing..

Now, I don't know if I should believe in him or not. Please help me.

[Chery]

First, welcome to AMHD.

What I read is this...
'' I always have doubts''
'' I always have doubts''
''I don't know if I should believe in him or not''

Those three things sound all the same, no matter what you state between the rest.

You need to find someone who worships only you, someone you can control and trust - and he does not sound like he is the one who will fill that slot in your life.

What with the long distance relationship - I don't think that helps at all and you should find someone closer to home so that you can be held, hugged, and loved when you need it - also to be able to talk about anything and everything when you need to. You need to trust and communicate and deserve that.

If he is the father, he will have responsibilities whether you like it or not, will probably have to communicate with the mother - and you really legally have no right to forbid it or get involved unless you are married to him. If you can face that fact and tolerate it and still be happy with him, then good luck.. If not, let him go and start a new chapter in your life, one where you can be happier and have less doubts.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[peggyhill]

I think that trust is the foundation for the whole relationship. If you can't trust someone, then don't be with them. Otherwise, you are inviting a whole world of problems into your life. The long distance things works for some people sometimes, but it's hard to do. And trust is absolutely essential to making it work.

I think you should take a step back and examine this relationship. I'm seeing 3 major problems here: you don't know if you can believe what he says, he gets angry at you when you bring up his ex and his child (which, whether he likes it or not, is a reality and should be discussed), and you don't know if the pregnant girl is the only one. When you combine those things with the long distance, it makes me think it probably won't work out. What if he gets you pregnant and then decides to be with someone else and leaves you and your child the way he has done to this girl? Legally, he has responsibilities to the child, and he should be making an effort to be a father to the baby whether he is with the mother. Being there for the child will involve some contact with the mother at some point, and if you don't trust him around her, it could be hard for you to know if he is cheating on you with her.

I think you deserve to be with someone you can trust and who lives close enough that you can see him more often. Take a step back and consider what you feel is right for you to do. Don't settle for less than you deserve. Hope this helps!

[dhessa]

You're both right.. I need to trust him.. maybe it's just so hard to do so.. after everything that happen in the past.. it's not that easy to accept the past specially if you've got broken and you know you Never did wrong to deserve being cheated before..

But you know what's the worst right now is that the girl my boyfriend got pregnant is now starting to talk to Me and want me to be his friend.. it seems that she's been hunting my boyfriend down and she couldn't find him so now she talks to Me about her pregnancy and stuff.. I don't want to be mean to her.. but why can't she just let go my boyfriend.. and me.. I told her she's not ruining our lives.. but honestly.. I know she is.. maybe because no matter what I do.. in our future she will or their child will be a part of our lives..

[N0help4u]

Your conscience is telling you not to trust him for a reason.
You can forgive somebody that cheated and caused a baby
BUT you have too many red flags.
Like Chery said all the "I always have doubts"
It is a long distance relationship where you can never be sure what he is really up to.
He refuses to talk about it.
In a good relationship he should include you with all the up to dates and not leave you in the dark.

It's called the mushroom effect
Left in the dark and fed B.S.

[topladyj]

Maybe she has no one to talk to about the pregnantcy and all, does she have any friends? If not maybe she does want to get in good with you cause she knows that they have a kid together. Maybe she doesn't want it to be ockward when she brings the kid over so she is trying to get to know you more. If you really want to be with this guy, When you too are in the same place you probably are going to have to deal with her on a regular basis. So I would think about if you can deal with this for the years to come. Cause unfortunately I don't think she is going to go anywhere. I am a step mom myself and I hated when the mom would come over but in a way I was happy cause our kid was happy. Wish you the best of luck!

[Chery]

you're both right.. I need to trust him.. maybe it's just so hard to do so.. after everything that happen in the past.. it's not that easy to accept the past specially if you've got broken and you know you Never did wrong to deserve being cheated before..

but you know what's the worst right now is that the girl my bf got pregnant is now starting to talk to Me and want me to be his friend.. it seems that she's been hunting my boyfriend down and she couldn't find him so now she talks to Me about her pregnancy and stuff.. I don't want to be mean to her.. but why can't she just let go my bf.. and me.. I told her she's not ruining our lives.. but honestly.. I know she is.. maybe because no matter what I do.. in our future she will or their child will be a part of our lives..

Honey, the innocent child will be a part of your life, like it or not. It depends on you if you can tolerate the stress of trusting him, accepting her as a fellow human being, and accepting a new baby who had no fault in this at all. You can leave it all behind you and start over, but he will have responsibilities and if you decide to stay with him, be aware of what is ahead of you and work on making the best of it. That, in the longrun, is all we can do if we want to be happy - one way or the other.

Good luck in your decision, and don't forget, we are here either way - to help you when we can.

[talaniman]

If he is to be in your life, then you must accept the child and mother being there too. So decide what you want, and communicate this to him, and solve this together. If he is unwilling to discuss this, then its up to you to make a choice, as he may never change but you can, for your own good. It does take two.

[dhessa]

I know the child has nothing to do with all this. my sympathy for her.. I don't know. but I'm kind of thinking the girl wishes my boyfriend minds will change if she delivers the baby.. you see. as far as I know almost all of the girls friends are having a baby as well.

When I found out about their affair, I confronted both of them.. my boyfriend left her. a few months later.. she tells me she's pregnant.. I've been nice to her.. I told her we will support the baby no matter what (because we are planning to get married). but she got mad at me and call me names.. I told my boyfriend ill leave him for her because I think that's what she wants.. but my boyfriend beg off.. he doesn't want to be committed for life with someone he doesn't really love.. he said even if I leave him he will Never marry that girl. she's just somebody... but the girl believes otherwise maybe that's the advice she got from her friend.. I pity her.. and the baby.. maybe that's why I can't forget the past.. because I feel bad for the baby..

[Chery]

If I understand you correctly, he might have fathered other children too? In that case, before you think of marriage, get a mirror and take a good look at yourself and see who you are now and who you want to be in the future. No matter how many children you feel sorry for - you know there is a mother for it that will probably want more than just financial or paternal support. Oh, and may I suggest you get tested for HIV - if in fact he has not thought of anyone else but himself and did not even think of protection from unwanted pregnancies or anything else for that matter.

Honey, I know it is hard to be alone, even for a little while if you are used to being loved.. but without happiness, trust and warmth, all you will be doing is spending time with a man and just let the clock tick away on you and what you deserve in life.

Sorry to be so blunt, but no man or what he can do in bed or out of it is worth constant doubt and stress and heartache.

If you have doubts about yourself and your emotions, what are you going to tell yourself each time you look in the mirror while that clock ticks away? I wish you strength and happiness, dear.

[Fr_Chuck]

What should I do. My BF had this fling with this girl and he got her pregnant. But he chooses me., but the thing is we are in a long distance relationship. I am getting paranoid, i always have doubts on him. I don't want him to see this child and this girl. He said he would never see that girl. I do believe him, but at some point i always have doubt that maybe there is somebody else beside that pregnant girl. And we can't talk about this pregnant girl, he always get mad when we are talking about the issue. I told him, it is okay if "He" let me know that he'll be seeing this girl and child.. its really okay with me., as long as I know what he is doing..

Now, I dont know if i should believe in him or not. please help me.

First he is going to have a lot of contact with this girl over the years, paying child support each month for the next 18 plus years.
And of course if he did not want to see his child, I would not want anything to do with him, since it is his child.

If you can't trust him, there is no real relastionship.