[hurtnconfused]

I've been acquainted with this guy at my gym for a few months now. A month ago, I decided to approach him and the conversation went very well. There was an obvious attraction. He did make sure to mention right away that he just got over a divorce and has a 3 year old son. A few days later, I went up to him and decided to invite him over for a sporting event I was ordering that weekend. I was having friends over and told him he could bring his friends as well. He accepted and that night turned out to be amazing. We all had such an amazing time, he was putting his arm around me, definitely a lot of chemistry. After everyone left, he took me out to eat then came back to my place and I think this is where the mistake came in- we hooked up that night.

I thought I wouldn't hear from him again, but he called the next day wanting to see me. I was out with one of my friends so I told him I would give him a call when I got home. He ended up coming over again. The next weekend he invited me to his brother's house to meet both his brothers and their wives. He was still very affectionate, again, we had a great time that night. Then we hung out the next weekend, which was 2 weeks ago- and that was the last time he had called me and hung out with me. He is still very flirty when we see each other at the gym. He goes out of his way to look for me before he leaves, I can still see that there is still a little attraction. I did call him last weekend and he was at a bar with his friends but he actually answered my phone call which I thought was nice because if he really was trying to avoid me he wouldn't pick up. He seemed very excited to talk to me and we ended up talking for about 15 minutes.

I'm just wondering... the fact that he hasn't called or hung out with me in 2 weeks- is that a bad sign, that he's not interested anymore? I invited him over this weekend to watch the sporting event again and he accepted, but of course I had to initiate that. What does this sound like? I just don't want to get hurt again, I do like him, I just get good signals when I see him but his actions, or lack thereof, make me wonder. Maybe it's the divorce? I would appreciate any thoughts, if you think there's still hope with him and if I should continue to pursue him. Thank you so much.

[talaniman]

He seems to want to go slow, so that's the pace you follow, and back off some, and see if he pursues you. If he goes out of his way to speak to you, before leaving the gym, then that shows interest. There is no hurry, even for sex. Keep it casual.

[magic_charmes]

I've been acquainted with this guy at my gym for a few months now. A month ago, I decided to approach him and the conversation went very well. There was an obvious attraction. He did make sure to mention right away that he just got over a divorce and has a 3 year old son. A few days later, I went up to him and decided to invite him over for a sporting event I was ordering that weekend. I was having friends over and told him he could bring his friends as well. He accepted and that night turned out to be amazing. We all had such an amazing time, he was putting his arm around me, definitely a lot of chemistry. After everyone left, he took me out to eat then came back to my place and I think this is where the mistake came in- we hooked up that night.

I thought I wouldn't hear from him again, but he called the next day wanting to see me. I was out with one of my friends so I told him I would give him a call when I got home. He ended up coming over again. The next weekend he invited me to his brother's house to meet both his brothers and their wives. He was still very affectionate, again, we had a great time that night. Then we hung out the next weekend, which was 2 weeks ago- and that was the last time he had called me and hung out with me. He is still very flirty when we see each other at the gym. He goes out of his way to look for me before he leaves, I can still see that there is still a little attraction. I did call him last weekend and he was at a bar with his friends but he actually answered my phone call which I thought was nice because if he really was trying to avoid me he wouldn't pick up. He seemed very excited to talk to me and we ended up talking for about 15 minutes.

I'm just wondering... the fact that he hasn't called or hung out with me in 2 weeks- is that a bad sign, that he's not interested anymore? I invited him over this weekend to watch the sporting event again and he accepted, but of course I had to initiate that. What does this sound like? I just don't want to get hurt again, I do like him, I just get good signals when I see him but his actions, or lack thereof, make me wonder. Maybe it's the divorce? I would appreciate any thoughts, if you think there's still hope with him and if I should continue to pursue him. Thank you so much.

In a situation like this there is a lot of what if and guess work. The best way would be to talk to him. He might be trying not seem to eager afraid that he might scare you away,he might be taking his time... If it was me I would talk to him.But that me

[love is abby]

Maybe he feels the same way, he doesn't want to get hurt. Divorces, (I assume) are very painful. It would be surprising if he wanted to jump back into anything right away. So, you probably are doing the right thing, but maybe try to talk to him in a comfortable place.

[drnidz]

I think give him and yourself some more time and enjoy this period of course he likes you , but may be have fear of rejection show through your gestures your true feelings about him like smile, care, offering dinner so he can be easily open up with you , all the best dear:)

[peggyhill]

I agree that it sounds like he wants to take it slow. Just take your time. If he just went through a divorce, he probably just wants to get to know you better and make sure he doesn't get hurt. And of course when you have a child, you have to make sure the person you're seeing is someone your child would like and all, so that's another reason for him to take it slow. The good signs are that he called you the next day, talks to you at the gym, takes your calls, and has already had you meet some of his family. So it sounds to me like he likes you, just wants to take it slow. Good luck! Hope it works out!

[hurtnconfused]

Thank you so much for offering your thoughts and advice. Yes it does seem like he wants to take things slow and I am OK with that, but the fact that he hasn't actually called me in two weeks isn't an indication that he's not interested? I know he's very nice, talking to me at the gym, but even if someone is trying to take things slow, wouldn't they actually call the person they're interested in? I apologize, I've just been out of the dating scene for quite sometime after my 7 year relationship ended so I don't know how to read people or what to look for.

[sewitseams]

Just take it very slow. He is recently divorced and he may not know in which direction he wants to travel with regard to a relationship. He needs time to heal whether the divorce was his idea or not. My guess would be that he's emotionally unavailable since he is still dealing with the residue of the divorce. Use this time to get to know him and who he is as a person and let him do the same... get to know you. In other words, just be a friend to him for now until the two of you really get to know one another.

[talaniman]

I think its okay to call him, as that may be what he is waiting for, so don't assume, when you can ask. Keep in mind he is single, as are you, and without a commitment, your both free to seek, and check out other possibilities, so don't take interested, as meaning exclusive. Keep your expectations reasonable, as there is a lot of competition in the dating scene, nowadays.

[confused25]

I actually share the same worry as you do. When in the dating phase there should be some chasing from both individuals. The fact that he hasn't called you in two weeks is in my opinion a little bothersome. However, the fact that he just got divorced more then likely explains some of his actions.

From what you stated its clear that he is interested in you (I would never waste my time looking for someone before leaving the gym unless I was interested) but it seems to me that he doesn't want to push for a relationship, hence the reason why he doesn't call. I agree with everyone that you should tread very slowly. Inviting him over for the second sporting event was a good idea, so when that day comes just have fun flirting with him.

However, DON'T HAVE SEX! I'm very serious about this. If you want this guy to be a potential boyfriend then you need to make him work for it, meaning you need to let him know you only engage in intimate acts when in an intimate relationship. By doing this you make it clear to him that you don't want this to turn into a booty call or a friends with benefits thing.

After this sporting event, let him know you had a great time, but don't bother calling him again. Personally I feel that if he wants a relationship he needs to put in some effort by calling you and taking you out. If he doesn't call you then its obvious you two are just on different pages. You want a relationship, he wants to heal from his divorce and stay single. Nothing wrong with that, just don't waste your time pursuing something when the other person isn't putting any effort.

[hurtnconfused]

Well he did end up coming over last night with his friend to watch the sporting event. I also had one of my girlfriends with me and we all had a great time. I just remember though, a few weeks ago when I went to his brother's house he showed a little bit of affection, putting his hand on my knee, etc. but since then, even though he will come over and we'll have a great time, he hasn't tried touching me at all like that.

And unfortunately, the advice to not have sex with him- well I messed up then because we started like that and even last night it happened. So now it's just a physical thing, which isn't exactly what I was going for, but understand that I can't expect much from someone who just got a divorce. However, I really wish that he would be more open to actually going out places with me, or allowing me to make him dinner, not just for him to come over, drink beer and have sex. Is there a way to change this? I know the answer would be to just stop having sex altogether, but I'm just afraid this might not keep him interested.

I actually talked to his friend and he told me that "he's not looking for anything right now and he's just having fun, but who knows, I might hold the key to his heart." This is what his friend told me, and he encouraged me to keep calling him, invite him out to dinner or to a movie. I just don't get it because why would I do that if his friend already told me he's just having fun and not looking for anything? To maybe spark some interest in more than just sex? And what if he already sees me as just that- a sex partner... Once a guy sees you as that, there's no way of changing it is there, kind of like you're just a lay to him from now on?

[confused25]

Don't ever have sex with someone just to keep that person interested in you. You need to have respect for yourself. If all he wants is sex then tell him to go find it somewhere else because you are not interested.

Now you ask, can someone who only sees you as a sex buddy change their perspective to see you as something more? Well that's hard to say. It's possible, because everyone is different, but in all honesty it won't happen if you try to make it happen.

I had a gut feeling from the beginning that he was only interested in having "fun" (even his friend told you this). He is definitely attracted to you, but the fact is that he does not want a relationship. Furthermore, there is nothing you can do to change his mind. Sure you can invite him out to dinner and a movie, but that is not going to make a difference. I'm positive that every time you ask him out he will see it as a chance to have sex. If he wants a relationship he needs to make the effort to contact you and ask you out. It cannot be a one-sided affair.

In my opinion you should stop calling him because you two want different things. You want a commitment, he wants fun. If he calls you and asks you out, accept but stop having sex. Let him know that you really like him, but no longer want to get intimate unless you are in a serious relationship. If he doesn't call then just let him go because his failure to contact you means he doesn't want anything else besides sex. I don't want to make him sound like a bad person, but that's what he wants and it's clear you don't want that.

Honestly its his loss because you sound like a great woman. I love a lady who makes the effort to make me feel special by calling me, inviting me over, and even offering to make dinner. Let this guy go, he knows you have feelings for him so if he changes his mind he will start making the effort to let you know. But don't waste your energy, its better spent on someone who wants the same thing as you.

[s_cianci]

He's taking his time and going slowly, as well he should. Allow him the space that he needs. Likewise take some space for yourself and don't make him the central focus of your life ; otherwise you will lose him for good.

[hurtnconfused]

Don't ever have sex with someone just to keep that person interested in you. You need to have respect for yourself. If all he wants is sex then tell him to go find it somewhere else because you are not interested.

Now you ask, can someone who only sees you as a sex buddy change their perspective to see you as something more? Well that's hard to say. It's possible, because everyone is different, but in all honesty it won't happen if you try to make it happen.

I had a gut feeling from the beginning that he was only interested in having "fun" (even his friend told you this). He is definitely attracted to you, but the fact is that he does not want a relationship. Furthermore, there is nothing you can do to change his mind. Sure you can invite him out to dinner and a movie, but that is not going to make a difference. I'm positive that every time you ask him out he will see it as a chance to have sex. If he wants a relationship he needs to make the effort to contact you and ask you out. It cannot be a one-sided affair.

In my opinion you should stop calling him because you two want different things. You want a commitment, he wants fun. If he calls you and asks you out, go ahead and accept but stop having sex. Let him know that you really like him, but no longer want to get intimate unless you are in a serious relationship. If he doesn't call then just let him go because his failure to contact you means he doesn't want anything else besides sex. I don't want to make him sound like a bad person, but that's what he wants and it's clear you don't want that.

Honestly its his loss because you sound like a great woman. I love a lady who makes the effort to make me feel special by calling me, inviting me over, and even offering to make dinner. Let this guy go, he knows you have feelings for him so if he changes his mind he will start making the effort to let you know. But don't waste your energy, its better spent on someone who wants the same thing as you.

Thank you, confused25, you give some amazing advice!! I think I WILL stop calling him. I was planning on trying a couple of times to ask him out because his best friend did drop those hints, telling me if I'm into him, I should call him and ask him out- pursue him because he's a shy guy. He also said though, that he's looking for a family-oriented girl, but he's going out and having his "fun". So what is it? Maybe he likes his fun and if he finds a family-oriented girl, he will settle down?

I'm just wondering based on what his friend told me, if I should indeed take your advice now and stop calling or inviting him to hang out, or just wait a little longer and see what happens, if he accepts more invites and gets to know me better since we've only really known each other for a month.

[confused25]

Friends are oftentimes a great source of information about another person. However, I wouldn't listen too much to this particular friend. He said that this man is shy, but I don't really believe that. I mean, the first event you invited him to he was being very flirty and putting his arm around you. Then he also introduces you to his family. On top of that you two have already engaged in a very intimate physical act. Honestly he doesn't sound shy to me.

In my opinion you should stop calling him. Start slowing down a bit and don't push for anything. I think you are trying too hard to convince him that he should get into a relationship with you. Let him chase you a bit. If he doesn't call then its clear he is just not ready for a commitment. Remember he did just get divorced. You have made it clear to him that you like him, if he reciprocates those feelings he will try to get a hold of you. Trust me.

Lastly, if you two do end up going out on another date, don't have sex with him. It only complicates things more. Wait until you know he is ready to get into a serious relationship.

[hurtnconfused]

Sounds good. I will take your advice and stop calling him. I do feel like I've done so much and really haven't gotten anywhere so I might as well give up. The hard part though, is running into him at the gym. This happens 3-4x a week and can't really be avoided. I wonder if I sacrifice and wake up extra early before work to go to the gym when he's not there, if that would encourage him to call me? Maybe he also thinks that he doesn't really have to do anything since he sees my face so much and maybe getting tired of it because it's just the same routine everyday.

This is going to be hard for me to cut off contact with him because I really do have genuine interest in him, however, I know that he isn't interested in me so I need to deal with that. I will just let this guy go.

[confused25]

Don't try to avoid him. That requires too much effort. Just don't waste your time chasing him. If you see him say hello, chat for a bit if you like, and then go back to working out. Don't call him and when you see him don't ask him out. Let him make the next move.

Disappearing for a while may catch his attention, but if it backfires you're only going to get angry that you went out of your way just to see if he will call. All I'm suggesting is not to chase anymore. The fact that you're no longer making an effort to pursue will probably be enough to catch his attention. If not, then oh well there are plenty of other hotties at the gym.

[hurtnconfused]

Ok, another question since it's been really bothering me lately... Should I actually call one last time, or even just ask him out one last time to see if he accepts, and if he does should I mention to him that I would love to be friends with him but prefer not to have sex? A part of me wants to just tell him that it's not like me to rush into sex like that and I feel like what I've been doing with him is "trashy". I mean, it's gotten to the point where he just won't even kiss me anymore. He just wants to get right down to it. Yet it's so confusing seeing him during the week and have him flirt and just be the great friend I met to begin with, plus showing that he's not exactly avoiding me because he looks for me before he leaves just so he can say bye. It's just when we're alone, he's a different person. Should I mention that what I've been doing with him is trashy just so he knows from now on not to expect anything, plus it may change his mind about me? I'm sure since he knows I've been available in that way, his outlook on me keeps getting worse and maybe I can somewhat redeem myself and maybe he will gain even just a little bit more respect for me if that's possible. Or should I just not say anything to him?

[confused25]

After thinking about it, I don't think it will hurt to give him a call and asking him to get together for a cup of coffee or something else that's rather simple. When you two meet up tell him that you really enjoy his company but you feel that things are moving too fast. You are not the type to rush into sex so you would like to take things a step back. Let him know that even though you no longer want to have sex you want to continue seeing him because he is a great person and ask him if he is okay with that. His response will tell you a lot.

Don't call him right away though. Wait a couple of days. Remember, as someone mentioned earlier, don't make him the central focus of your life.

[talaniman]

Maybe taking things in another direction, could help the emotions calm down, and give you perspective. Don't call him for a while, which may be hard, but he is to willing to answer your booty calls, so I would back down, and find some other things too do for a while. Too much, to soon.