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wewed100606 · Feb 11, 2008, 10:26 AM

What is everyone's thoughts on this topic. My wife and I have been married for almost a year and a half. We have two beautiful children (9 months and 5 years) that we both love more than anything. The word divorce has been coming up a lot due to her not being able to get past things I did prior to our marriage (cheating and lying... I have been completely faithful for almost two years). We are trying to work on things, but we are running out of reasons to work on it. We get along fine in day to day life as long as we are not talking about our relationship. We are basically like friends living together right now. If it were up to me we would stick it out and work on it until the marriage became detrimental to someone's life. I think there a lot of ups and downs in a marriage... this just happens to be a BIG down.

Do you think that if there is no violence and everyone is getting along fine, but there is just a lack of romance and intimacy that we should stay together at the very least for our children? Truthfully, I think separating or divorcing would be severely stressfull on everyone and to me that is irreversible and I don't want to live with what-ifs. How long until you know the romance won't ever come back?

NowWhat · Feb 11, 2008, 10:47 AM

I guess the big question is do you love your wife?
Can you say, honestly say, that you have done EVERYTHING to save your marriage?
Staying in a relationship for the sake of the children - isn't always the best thing. You and your wife are setting an example for your children - showing them what marriage looks like. Is that example the one you want to be setting? Is this the life you want for your kids?
Affairs and lies do a lot of damage. Those are wounds that take a long time to heal. How did you two deal with this issue? Did you go to counseling? If not, I would highly recommend it.
A lot of people don't think counseling helps. But it does. You can get a lot out on the table and then learn how to deal with it.

If you have any "what-if's" - then you still have something to work on. There is something to save.

wewed100606 · Feb 11, 2008, 11:49 AM

Oh... I love my wife like crazy! I have thought about this long and hard and I am pretty sure that there are about two things she could do to make me consider leaving her... and she isn't capable of either.

I would not be sticking in it for the kids. Right now she would be. There is still a lot a lot a lot of love left in me for this woman, no matter how tough things get. She on the other hand has ventured quite a ways down the path of pessimism.

We started counselling, but she will not go to couples counselling. She doesn't want to and she thinks she should have to want to to get anything out of it. I don't know if that's the way it works or not.

We have stiffled most of the arguing, which really was the only thing I worried about my children seeing. I don't think they are quite old enough to realize mommy doesn't kiss daddy, or hug daddy, or sleep in the same bed... etc. Which really aside from her anger at me which it seems is turned pretty inward right now are our only true on our sleeve problems. We get along OK at home and in front of the kids. We can still do things together. It more or less just feels like she is pushing me away.

I read some advice from the big bald Dr. on TV that was pretty similar to your advice on if you have any what-ifs. I think it is a good point. TO me divorce is something when things are absolutely hopeless... and I know I am definitely not there yet. I don't think she is either.

NowWhat · Feb 12, 2008, 07:05 AM

Well, You are in a tough spot. I think you have to focus on what you can control. You need to help your wife remember WHY she loves you. If you want romance, create it. If you want intimacy, create it. She may be resistant to your efforts at first, but if you are consistent, she may just fall right back in love with you.

The fact that she still married you after the affairs says a lot. You said you have married for a year and a half but have been lie/cheat free for 2 years. That tells me that she does love you. She may not be able to trust you. She may have been hurt so deeply that she doesn't trust her heart in your hands. You have given her reason not to trust. YOU have to earn that trust back.

Don't give up. Don't throw your hands up. Not yet. You need to help your wife, and help yourself in the process. If she won't go to counseling - then I would recommend getting this book or video series. It is "men are from mars, women are from venus". The book comes with a workbook that you do together. The videos are the same subject matter. My husband and I got the video series (he didn't like counseling either) and it put things into terms that made light bulbs go off for both of us.

The baby isn't old enough yet to realize, but I would say the five year old is. (they are a lot smarter than we give credit) It is great that you don't argue in front of them. But I am sure there is some sort of tension there and the fact that you don't show affection for one another - kids pick up on that. Just ask yourself and your wife if this is the life you want for your kids when they grow up. It is a hard question to ask because you think and hope you are doing the best for your kids.

I still think, just by what you are saying, that you should NOT turn away from this woman. I can feel your love for her in your words.
You are both just lost right now.

450donn · Feb 12, 2008, 08:13 AM

As an exercise, you and your wife need to sit down and start making a list of ALL the reasons you were attracted to her in the first place, the reasons you married each other. At the end of a week, compare the lists and try focusing on those things. Also a marriage counselor would be a big help about now.

wewed100606 · Feb 12, 2008, 08:39 AM

Well everyone I appreciate your input. I will keep supporting her and loving her and hoping for the best.

Unfortunately, she informed me yesterday that she has signed a lease with her sister an hour and a half away in her hometown and we will be "seperating" for an indeterminite amount of time.

I just hope we can minimize the impact on the kids. I love them all so much. Thanks for the thoughts again everyone.

kp2171 · Feb 13, 2008, 12:02 AM

I hate this.

She is refusing to get help... not good. I think she's really out the door and the rest is just formalities. Anytime the big "D" gets thrown around, its just not healthy.

My only advice is that you can be a great father, with or without her... it may not be easy... but I honestly believe children can see the truth for the truth, at least in time.

Be a good daddy. Be a good man. In the long run, you will be able to hold your head up high. Even if she doesn't make it easy, I honestly believe that your love will show through.

I believe that with all my heart.

Jessie V · Feb 13, 2008, 08:29 AM

OK. So you are worried aobut if you should stay together for the kids. All of the posts on here are telling you to stay together for each other yada yada. Well I'm not going to tell you to stay together because that is not always the best thing for children. I grew up in a broken home. My parents divorced when I was about a baby. You may not think that your 5 year old knows what's going on but if you were to ask you would realize that they know more than you think they know. If your wife cannot see that you are faithful and if she cannot trust you then it is better to end it while your kids are still young. Remain friends if possible but never bad talk the other parent because your children will catch on and will know what's going on without you knowing. But if you think you can work it out counseling is the best way to try. Hope this helps.

wewed100606 · Feb 13, 2008, 01:36 PM

Update: Thanks for everyone's advice. I helped her pack most of her things today and last night was the final night we slept in the same home. I am going to bring some furniture down to her tomorrow and help her get settled. THe kids will be with me Sunday through Wednesday night so our oldest can stay in her preschool.

This is the ABSOLUTE MOST PAINFUL thing I have ever experienced. I broke down and cried my eyes out twice today while helping her pack. I want her to be happy. I will support her until the day I die whether we are married or not. Hopefully my support and understanding helps win her over again.

I am staying optimistic. I am trying to be happy for the little ones. Trying to explain to the 5 year old what is going on andtrying to put a positive spin on why mommy and daddywon't be liviing together. It is tough!

I went and met with my daughters teacher to lether know our home situation in case mydaughters behavior changes at all. I came in with a smile, but as soon as I said the words B's mom decided to move out I started crying again... in front of her teacher! I am so embarrassed!

I don't know. I am going to just "killl her with kindness" and hope it earns me another chance. I guess this thread can be dead, because we aren't "together for the kids".

Thanks again though to everyone for their advice. It means a lot!

N0help4u · Feb 13, 2008, 05:29 PM

Yes when she sees that she isn't with you and you are not interested in moving on with looking for someone else and you are there for them that will HOPEFULLY make a big difference for her.

milena35 · Feb 17, 2008, 10:04 AM

Originally Posted by wewed100606

What is everyones thoughts on this topic. My wife and I have been married for almost a year and a half. We have two beautiful children (9 months and 5 years) that we both love more than anything. The word divorce has been coming up alot due to her not being able to get past things I did prior to our marriage (cheating and lying...I have been completely faithful for almost two years). We are trying to work on things, but we are running out of reasons to work on it. We get along fine in day to day life as long as we are not talking about our relationship. We are basically like friends living together right now. If it were up to me we would stick it out and work on it until the marriage became detrimental to someones life. I think there alot of ups and downs in a marriage...this just happens to be a BIG down.

Do you think that if there is no violence and everyone is getting along fine, but there is just a lack of romance and intimacy that we should stay together at the very least for our children? Truthfully, I think seperating or divorcing would be severely stressfull on everyone and to me that is irreversible and I don't want to live with what-ifs. How long until you know the romance won't ever come back?

I am going to the same situation that you are. My husband is actually looking for "A break/separation". We been married 5 years and have a 3 1/2 and a 5 year old. He told me a month ago that he loves me to death as the mother of his kids but not in love or have that spark anymore. What the hell is that? So I have already seek for my divorce, he wants me to give him time but I ask myself why I should put my life on hold for him? I do love him tremendously and I know it will hurt but I will be fine. I am 37 and have a great career, boss, friends and family so I am just fine. He just needs that break and he will definitely get a break all right.

In your situation, just let her go and let her see what is going through her head, if she is better of with or without you and the kids, balls in her court. Good Luck!

Milena

Alty · Feb 17, 2008, 01:44 PM

wewed- Remember me? Yes, its your sparring buddy;) . I'm so sorry to hear about the trouble you are going through in your marriage. I hope that you find a way to be happy and move on with your life, not only for yourself but for your children. I don't know what it feels like to be going through the things you have to deal with right now but I can imagine the pain and anger that you probably feel. I do think you will feel better as time goes on and I hope that you can find happiness regardless of what happens in the future. Best of luck to you and your family, keep us posted.