[electricslk]

I have been dating this guy off and on for a year and I have fallen in love with him. He told me today that he recently uncovered that he is passive aggressive. This is a quote from his e-mail he sent me, " One thing I have recently uncovered is that I can be passive aggressive... I never really knew what that meant before, and now that I know I do not want anyone to get this from me. That is why I am telling you what's on my mind before I do something or say something harsh to push you away... I would rather be honest, than push you away because of anger, or things that I do to purposely to make you angry... which at the time I dont know Im doing. If you continue to see me you will get hurt, it would not be positive for either of us."

Okay I have read up on this passive-aggressive disorder thing and agree 100% that he has it. Now everything I have gone through with him for the last year makes sense. Just in the last 3 months has it gotten worse with him becoming more passive-aggressive with me.

I could just walk away from all of this but in the process which stems from the beginning when we first met have fallen in love with him.

Is there anyone out there mainly a professional that can give me some advice on how to deal with him and this disorder? I am willing to work here with him.

All advice is much appreciated. Thank you...

[JBeaucaire]

Passive aggressive is a pretty common male trait. Learning to deal with it is an EXCELLENT goal on your part. But you need to be dealing with it from WITHIN a working relationship. By "working" I mean you are both actually working on making it work.

Meanwhile, if he's truly aware of it and separating from you anyway, then you may have to accept the fact this may be another passive-aggressive tack... that he wants his freedom and is taking the path of least resistance. He claims P.A. and says you need to leave him alone, that's pretty tough for you to refute, which may be his P.A. plan.

You're used to him, you have deep feelings for him, all that's great, but it's not love. Love is a two-way mutual commitment. You two are dating, and apparently not successfully. The commitment has been tried but never stabilized. Your deep feelings for him may need to take a back to seat to the reality of the situation.

If you don't mind being second fiddle to his moods, growing disinterest and self-acknowledged manipulative behaviors (P.A.), then by all means ignore all this and keep after him. That sounds healthy and attractive, doesn't it?

Someone else on this forum quoted something profound I'll repeat here: "Don't make a guy your priority when you are just his option." In your case, he's exercising alternate options, isn't he?

When you begin dating next, watch for the P.A. behavior and experiment with things that can positively inspire him out of it. You won't be able to nag or whine him out, nor will "why are you doing ________", so look for the things he actually likes and focus on those things. Sometimes, guys just like silence, even with you in the room. And they don't mean anything rude by it.

There are a lot of books out there that help you understand the different ways men and women think. They could help you not be so frustrated by the differences. Shoot me a private message if you're interested in some suggested titles.

Good hunting, dear.

[Choux]

For other readers, snippets from Wikipedia on Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder.

"Passive-aggressive behavior refers to passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following authoritative instructions in interpersonal or occupational situations. It can manifest itself as resentment, stubbornness, procrastination, sullenness, or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is assumed, often explicitly, to be responsible. It is a defense mechanism and, more often than not, only partly conscious. For example, people who are passive-aggressive might take so long to get ready for a party they do not wish to attend, that the party is nearly over by the time they arrive. Alternatively, leaving notes to avoid face-to-face discussion/confrontation is another form of passive-aggressive behavior.
Passive-aggressive personality disorder (also called negativistic personality disorder) is a controversial personality disorder said to be marked by a pervasive pattern of negative attitudes and passive, usually disavowed resistance in interpersonal or occupational situations... because of controversy and the need for further research on how to also categorize the behaviors in a future edition. On that point, Cecil Adams writes:

Merely being passive-aggressive isn't a disorder but a behavior — sometimes a perfectly rational behavior, which lets you dodge unpleasant chores while avoiding confrontation. It's only pathological if it's a habitual, crippling response reflecting a pervasively pessimistic attitude.[1]

When the behaviors are part of a person's disorder or personality style, repercussions are usually not immediate, but instead accumulate over time as the individuals affected by the person come to recognize the disavowed aggression coming from that person. People with this personality style are often quite unconscious of their impact on others, and thus may be genuinely dismayed when held to account for the inconvenience or discomfort caused by their passive-aggressive behaviors. In that context, there is a failure to see how they might have provoked a negative response, so they feel misunderstood, held to unreasonable standards, and/or put upon.

Treatment of this disorder can be difficult: efforts to convince the patient that their unconscious feelings are being expressed passively, and that the passive expression of those feelings (their behavior) inspires other people's anger or disappointment with the patient, are often met with resistance. Individuals with the disorder will frequently leave treatment claiming that it did no good. Since the effectiveness of various therapies have yet to be proven, these individuals may be correct.

Passive aggressive disorder is said to stem from a specific childhood stimulus (e.g. overbearing parental figures, or alcohol/drug addicted parents)... "
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If you were my granddaughter, I would tell you that a person with passive aggressive personality disorder is very unpleasant to have in your life. It could lead a good person to drink!! Find a guy with an exuberant attitude toward life... life is short. :)

[ldbeams]

I'm afraid I too would tell you to run, My Dear. As a woman in a relationship for 10 years with a passive aggressive and I hear from woman and men all the time on my blog that have been in a passive aggressive relationship forever, I agree with the therapists that the odds of one turning around are pretty slim. The one thing about yours is at least he knows it and seems to understand it. I just wonder if he's "using" it as they have been known to do. It's just another form of how they get you to want to love them and nurture them all the more.

I wish you luck in what ever you decide to do, but if you stay with this man expect to shed a lot of tears and spend a lot of lonely nights, even when you're with him.

If you ever want to talk feel free to stop by my blog. You may find a lot of answers there.
http://www.padontstandforpaloalto.wordpress.com