[theywantashow]

My Ex-Girlfriend and I had been together for about 2 years, and lived together most of that time... Everything was fine until about the last 2 months of the relationship. Basically I didn't have a job for most of the duration of the relationship, and I got way too comfortable with this because she would provide everything. This started to get to her and she told me I needed to get a job and do more around the apartment because she was starting to resent me for this. She also mentioned that maybe we should take a, 'break' and I should move out until I get everything straightened out. At first I did not agree with this, but after a while I started to think about actually moving out. I started cleaning the apartment everyday and providing meals for her when she got home from work. After the initial luster of me doing chores around the Apartment wore off, I soon agreed with her reasoning about me moving out because I did not want her to resent me. So I told her I still loved her but I did need to move out. She kept asking me if this meant that we were done for good, and I told her yes for the time-being... There was no arguing, just her crying and us enjoying our last night together. The next day I moved out while she was at work. I haven't really been talking to her at all, trying to stay confident in our mutual agreement. During this time I also wanted to heal.


Does this sound like something I can fix if I get a job? To me it seemed like she wanted to eventually get a house, and to pay off a lot of debts, without me having a job this couldn't happen. Or does this sound like she made an excuse for not really wanting to be with me? I don't want to break no contact, but I am not sure if this situation warrants me not contacting her at all. Thanks in advance for viewing!

[George_1950]

You said: "She also mentioned that maybe we should take a, 'break' and I should move out until I get everything straightened out," and "Does this sound like something I can fix if I get a job?" Perhaps you have gotten too close and familiar, so just call her or go out once a week for a while and see how things go. Do some other things, like volunteer in a civic group; and make some new friends.

[clafairey]

I am in this position, I have been out of work for a long time and am recently trying to get back into it. I have to admit I got too comfortable with this also, being provided for. I have recently started volunteering at a youth group so I can get a paid job in the arts department once I have more experience. She has more respect for me now, and I feel self worth. I am also looking for a part time job to do on the evenings.

It is not nice for the other person at all to be the provider, it made my girlfriend feel like she was doing all the work and I wasn't putting any effort it. Someone who is working and values themselves more for what they are contributing is a lot more attractive than someone who is not contributing to the relationship in this way.

I think you should get yourself a job, get used to it, and then try seeing her again. You could still speak to her as a friend in the mean time so that she knows that you are making the effort. If you remain unemployed, it will seem to her that you aren't the kind of person that would do anything to be with her.

[talaniman]

Get a job first, and put your life where you want it. From there you can do anything you want.

[s_cianci]

I don't think getting a job is going to fix anything. That's not to say that you shouldn't have one but not to accomplish what you're suggesting. Frankly I think she's making excuses. It's done, no contact, move on with your life and do the things you want and need to do.

[theywantashow]

I have only been talking to her when she contacts me, and I guess I will keep it that way. It has been less painful than my previous breakups, and I am having a hard time figuring out whether I miss her, or our apartment/animals.

Thanks a lot for the input, I appreciate it. If there's anything else that you guys can think of in the way of advice, I would gladly take it

[talaniman]

I have only been talking to her when she contacts me, and I guess I will keep it that way. It has been less painful than my previous breakups, and I am having a hard time figuring out whether I miss her, or our apartment/animals.

Thanks a lot for the input, I appreciate it. If there's anything else that you guys can think of in the way of advice, I would gladly take it

You probably miss all of it. That's normal.

[shygrneyzs]

In your previous relationships, did you have a job or were you provided for by these other women? What was and still is your reasoning for not working? What would happen to you if your source of livelihood disappeared? Just go and find another woman to support you?

Do you have skills to obtain employment? Talents and abilities? Are you afraid of working? Wouldn't a job provide you with some self respect, not to mention income? I do believe you should have a job, but not just to keep the girlfriend. You should that because it is in your best interests as a productive person.

[clafairey]

Thanks for not giving me a "reddie"lol I don't think she won't love him if he doesn't have a job, I just think that in a relationship things should be shared, input from both sides. I understand from my girlfriends point of view how hard it is with me not working, it causes her a lot of stress. I think he should want to get a job for him, not just her. Hope all goes well with you both.

[theywantashow]

In reply to your questios shygrneyzs I have a lot of talents, and I know I should definitely be able to get a job just fine. I am not sure why I haven't actually got one yet though. I used to own my own business about 2 years ago, and when it went under I think I lost a lot of confidence. However... even when I had a job I often made the women pay/take care of monetary things. Could this stem from a fear of commitment?

On another note, I am having a lot of problems before I go to sleep - thinking about my situation. It only happens before I go to sleep. Anyway to rememdy this, or should I just stick it through

[theywantashow]

I still talk to my ex-girlfriend online about stuff that doesn't have to do with the relationship, nothing negative, and we both get laughs... Is this bad for my healing process?

[theywantashow]

Any help guys? I come to this site because it calms my nerves a lot about my current situation and provides great advice.

I am confused with my current situation. She has told me many times that she wanted me to move and for us to stay together to alleviate the pressure of paying for two people. Do I talk to her to see where she stands after I moved out, or do I remain a friend until she says something about it herself?

[talaniman]

Just me, but getting to the point of supporting yourself is the priority. Having said that, if she is resentful at your lack of contributing, what has changed? The problem has not been solved, and will crop up again, and you will be asked to leave again, so my advice is to get some type of arrangement you both can live with, as to the responsibility that each of you has to make this work. Talk and listen. The rest is up to what you two decide.

[clafairey]

Can I ask how old you are and what kind of jobs you have had in the past? Why aren't you working? Is it that you don't want to get a job? Or you have difficulty finding one?

[theywantashow]

As to what jobs I have had in the past... I have worked at a factory, owned my own cell phone store, and also been a customer service helpdesk representative. I am also 24 years old... She is 23.

So should I continue to just talk to her casually as a friend? We did both agree that I should move out so she doesn't continue to resent me.

[talaniman]

Sure, if you can stand her dating some one with more potential.

[clafairey]

Why do you keep dismissing peoples advice to get yourself a job? I think this would be the best way to show her that you love her enough to want to improve both your lives. She will realise that you do want to build a life with her, both as equals.

[theywantashow]

I am not dismissing the fact that I need a job. I am working on it now, and seeing what kind of grants I can get to go back to college also.

An update on my status: Last night I called her, and we talked for a while and I just explained to her how I am not trying to be a , but I am going to remove her from my life for a while... We talked for a good 3-4 hours about life in general. I told her what I needed to do some stuff for myself, and that I appreciated everything she had done for me. She agreed because she didn't want to get into the same cycle if we got back together. It was a pretty wonderful conversation, but I guess that's what happens when weight is lifted from each partner in a relationship when problems are there.

So I will update everyone on how it is going every now and then, just in case anyone cares, and also for myself

So now I am officially starting no contact

[HistorianChick]

Having read your original post, everyone's responses (I agree with almost all), and your new status update, I'm going to say that I think this is a good step.

Yes, you need a job. You need a way to support yourself. But, you need to do this for you, because you know you need to do it, not because someone tells you that you need to do it. If you go through life always doing what other people say then you will not be as "you" as you could be - you'd have lost that initiative and drive that should define us as individuals. Going back to school sounds like a great idea - especially if its for you, to better yourself, to learn more about something that you want to do.

Ok, you called her, you talked about your issues, you admitted your faults, you told her you were ready to take responsibility and "do stuff for yourself," and you were thankful for who she was. This was an excellent step.

(So far, it seems to me that you are doing the right things)

Its good, what you have decided to do. Recognizing your own propensity for "laziness" (because, darlin, that's what you described yourself as in your OP) is wonderful. Not jumping back into the relationship until you figure out who you are and what you're going to do is a good thing.

All right, you've got a great start. Now go out and make something wonderful out of you! Make yourself worthy of an awesome girl. Give yourself the chance to define your future. Do this for you. Not for her, not to get back together with her, not to show her you can, but for you.

And take care.

[theywantashow]

Thanks a lot for the great responses! Sorry I am so late on it, been trying to stay busy.

I agree with everything most of you guys and gals have stated. Now it's time to work out my career problem.