[jiltedgirl]

I texted him last night asking if he got in safely and that I needed to talk to him so please come online. He never replied to those texts and he never came online.

I was suddenly reminded of how much it hurt me when we dated. It was always difficult to get into contact with him and I used to think he was ignoring me purposely when he wasn't. In fact, that was the last straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. When he had "ignored" me unintentionally for a day, I broke up with him.

At least I'm not hurting like I did back then, although I have to admit that I'm annoyed. I wanted to establish boundaries, as recommended by confused25.

Especially after rereading confused25's previous post, I now have to wonder if he truly did only come down here for sex. He drove 3-4 hours, left a tournament thing he had early on so he could make it here, and he told me that he had been completely exhausted and a total mess that morning. But I had just assumed that he felt guilty for cancelling on me previously and because I had accused him of being a flake, and that's why he went the trouble to visit me.

In any case, I plan on asking him as follows:
1. Did you just come here for sex?
2. If not, why did you let things escalate?
3. If you want to be friends, I want to be friends and not friends with benefits.

Does this sound good?

[talaniman]

The only thing that can help is letting go, and stop assuming, which you seem to be good at, and keeping the no contact, as seen in your last post, you have more questions than answers, and are not focusing on healing. His motivations, for his actions, are not important.

[confused25]

I think No contact is a very effective way of healing and at times even a good tactic at getting the ex back. However, I just don't feel that it should be applied to jiltedgirl's situation... at least not yet. In fact, I believe that simply cutting contact right now would be running away from the problem.

Of course she has questions and after sharing a very physical and intimate act I believe she has a right to have them answered. BUT you have to be prepared to hear answers you don't want to hear, including "Yeah it was just for the sex." In other words, don't ask the question if you fear the answer.

Personally I think you are ready to have a calm and mature conversation with this person. Talk to him about all of this and lay to rest the whole problem. However, it's important that you go in with the attitude that whatever happens, happens and life goes on afterwards. Don't go in with the idea that maybe you'll get back together, or maybe you can be friends, but instead go in with the idea that you are about to finish this chapter of your life and your fine if it has a good or bad ending.

In my opinion you should try to talk to him, but don't make it a priority. Don't stress out about getting answers to your questions right away. Let things flow naturally and talk to him whenever it just happens.

[talaniman]

I think No contact is a very effective way of healing and at times even a good tactic at getting the ex back. However, I just don't feel that it should be applied to jiltedgirl's situation... at least not yet. In fact, I believe that simply cutting contact right now would be running away from the problem.

You will never hear me say NC is tactic to get an ex back. Just my opinion, the better you heal, the better your prepared for making good decisions based on facts, for yourself. She had a chance at that rational conversation already, and has a hang over to prove it.

[jiltedgirl]

Hey confused25 and talaniman! Thanks for the input, as always. You both brought up valid points. I did lose an opportune moment to have a rational conversation, which was the entire point of the trip... ((sigh)). I was so bewildered by the turn of events I didn't know what to think (like you said, it was probably the hangover... ).

I will ask him when I see him online. I don't expect anything from him. There's nothing to lose. I mean, to be frank, I lost him three months ago when I broke up with him. Lol. I guess I have to be prepared for the chance to lose him as a friend, too. :/

[roogirl]

Hey confused25 and talaniman! Thanks for the input, as always. You both brought up valid points. I did lose an opportune moment to have a rational conversation, which was the entire point of the trip...((sigh)). I was so bewildered by the turn of events I didn't know what to think (like you said, it was probably the hangover...).

I will ask him when I see him online. I don't expect anything from him. There's nothing to lose. I mean, to be frank, I lost him three months ago when I broke up with him. lol. I guess I have to be prepared for the chance to lose him as a friend, too. :/

I can sympathise with what you are going through, like yourself I wouldn't mind a few answers either. Even though I've staunchly stood by the no contact rule and reached 60 days (yeah!), I still feel an urge to seek answers like you do. I've got no clue what I'm hoping to gain from it, or even why I have such an urge. Maybe once you get the answers you are looking for you will be able to gain the closure you seek.

[Questions2007]

I just had this idea after reading Mik's post.

How about if we use this thread to count the NC days, all of us? Each one would mention how long he/she's been maintaining the NC period and how he/she feels with time.
Maybe in some way this can help us all (including me)?

This is my first NC day.. Afternoon here, so far didn't even touch my phone. I don't know how I feel, but I'm not that miserable, I have a goal and thinking about it, NOT HER!

What about the rest of you?

So I find myself thinking that it has been virtually a year to the day that my ex ended our relationship.

In many ways I have started to move on, but in so many ways I am struggling to do so. I still think about her on a daily basis, why the person who I did absolutely everything for, and helped through some tough times and a bad illness, would go against everything she said to me, that she loved me and wanted to be with me.

On the other hand, it is nearly 6 months of no contact. I have not contacted her and I won't contact her, so in that respect I am pleased with myself that I broke the cycle of me being there for her on the pretense of friendship, yet her doing nothing for me except give me false hope that we may get back together and use my kindness for herself.

I still think that she may contact me at somepoint, though I am starting to think now that it probably won't be on the basis I want it to be. If she does call, she will either not be listening to my requests that being friends won't work or, she may contact me to talk about us, but I am not sure I could ever trust someone again who let me down so badly.

I am just trying to get some perspective. The fact that I have stuck to NC for 6 months, and will continue to stick to it, is surely good. How else can I try and move on further!?

Any thoughts would be appreciated?

[jiltedgirl]

Wow. I never thought it would come down to this, but my ex is avoiding me. He never replied to my texts from Sunday. He didn't reply to the one that I sent to him last night--"Are you ignoring me? I won't bite"--and he never accepted my Facebook friend request, and I'm pretty sure he's been online on Facebook. I just sent him another one this morning to not be a douc*he, that it'll only take a few minutes, and that I'm going to keep bothering him until he answers.

I just can't believe he is reacting this way. He's acting so immature. I honestly don't see why he is making it such a big deal. We hooked up. It was a mistake. We both know nothing is going to come out of it. And for some odd reason, I'm not even angry at him. Just surprised.

Well, on the bright side, we can now do NC for real in line with this forum's philosophy. I mean... I understand if he doesn't want to talk to me again after this. I don't understand why, but I understand that this is his wish. And to be frank, I'm sort of sick and tired of trying to be friends. But, I deserve, no, he at least owes me one last explanation.

I just asked a mutual friend to tell him to talk to me and stop being so childish about it. Come on. If we're going to end things, I don't want to end things this way. And by "this way," I don't necessarily mean bad. It seems like we're going to have a bad ending either way. Lol. But I might as well get some answers...

[talaniman]

Jilted, understand I'm not trying to be harsh, but your chance for answers has come, and gone, and anything but accetance and healing, will only prolong your questions and misery.

[talaniman]

I am just trying to get some perspective. The fact that I have stuck to NC for 6 months, and will continue to stick to it, is surely good. How else can I try and move on further!?

I don't think that's a question for you at this time. I think you already know how NC, has helped you so far. You will have those days where you have doubts or feel uncertain. That's only those old feelings making a last ditch effort to influence your thinking, so push them aside, and stay on the path.

[jiltedgirl]

Well he just IMed me. I didn't get a chance to ask my questions and have the "answers to come and [go]," but told him to be around later to talk.

He really is a fantastic bullsh*tter. I wish I could be more like that instead of blunt, open, and to the point.

Oh well. I agree NC will be best after this. But I want my answers, whether they're what I want to hear or not.

[ISneezeFunny]

I feel you jilted... it's just that most of us here want answers. Most of us here are from the infamous "I need space..." and we all know that's not really it. So we want answers. We go after answers, and we realize... they don't really have answers.

I would MUCH rather my ex come up to me, come clean and say, YES. WE BROKE UP BECAUSE I WAS INTERESTED IN ANOTHER GUY. But... it ain't going to happen.

We work with what we got... and sometimes... it's not much. Sometimes, it's nothing at all.

I hope you get the answer you deserve... but if not, at least you got us.

[jiltedgirl]

Thanks ISneezeFunny. I continued the conversation once I got back to my room. I actually did get the answers I needed--the excuses that he normally gives to cover his own --when I asked him why he was avoiding me and acting weird. He told me he wasn't really avoiding me but I called when he was asleep. When I told him that I noticed he didn't friend me back on Facebook, he snarkily replied, "I noticed you defriended me...so," which is just another example of his repressed anger at me coming out. He was very snarky and cold. He tried to act like he was fine with the hook-up, even though when I asked if we were cool, he replied, "sure, well what do you mean by cool?" He seemed to be the one who was defensive, not me, yet he accused me of being very defensive. I suppose it's just another example of his immaturity and selfishness, saying he got caught up in the "spur of the moment," which I aptly said "so you thought with down there" and he replied, "that's what I meant."

In the end, I let it go. I'm just so sick and tired of making nice. I tried hard to make the relationship work. I tried doubly hard to make this friendship work, too. At least I got to express everything I wanted to and got everything off my chest. I explained that I hadn't meant that to happen. I told him I didn't think we could be friends to which he replied, "That's insane. Of course we can be friends."

That was the only time that I kept my own thoughts to myself: "Not if I can help it..."

Surprisingly I went from being indignant to just feeling sorry for him. He only cares about himself and that's the way he will be until he changes. He made the hook up a much bigger deal by avoiding me afterwards, coming up with excuses, and acting cold and distant with me--not friendly behavior.

It's not so much more that I am forcing myself to stick to NC anymore. I just don't want to talk to him and deal with his inability to communicate anything. As I told him, "you have the mental capacity of a spoon and the emotional capacity of a rock." He, of course, told me that statement made no sense whatsoever.

I told him not to think too hard about it.

By the time he figures it out, I'll be gone.

[confused25]

Tal: I'm sorry, I think you took what I said the wrong way. I never meant to say that you suggested NC was a tactic to get the ex back.

jiltedgirl: Well it looks like you got your questions answered. I'm sorry that it didn't turn out better, but at least now you can move forward with your life. Forget about this guy. Personally I have little respect for men who engage in sex with someone who cares about them and then brush it off as it didn't mean anything. Trust me you can do a lot better. I suggest going back to NC and begin writing the next chapter of your life.

[talaniman]

Tal: I'm sorry, I think you took what I said the wrong way. I never meant to say that you suggested NC was a tactic to get the ex back.

No problem, I never took it personally, just wanted to make sure that others see it for what it is and not build false hope. Standard expert disclaimer.

[George_1950]

It has been said and re-said: "...it's just that most of us here want answers." At the end of the day, folks, it really just doesn't matter. "I need space" and "I need time": it's over. I don't believe romantic love is negotiated.

[sunshine79]

I'm just starting NC and I am a little scared, but I need to start to heal and move on. He is not the same guy I started dating and I need to remember that and now I feel as if I do not even know him. It is just so difficult after living together for almost two years with all the memories we have to then go to not talking to at all. Hopefully he will realize what he lost and I will be over him by then!

[George_1950]

sunshine79, you have written: " i need to start to heal and move on." That is a great start and NC will work for you. Just watch those little, impulsive tricks in the mind, like 'I'll just send a little text' or 'I'll just send a nice email', etc. And when you start blaming yourself, go get a milkshake.

[Ash123]

Hey those in healing --

Take at look at my break-up guide
(Below in my signature)

It just may help... Many have found it helpful in tough times.


Best,

A

[ISneezeFunny]

And when you start blaming yourself, go get a milkshake.

... george, if I followed that advice I would have gained at least 20 lbs a week after the breakup.