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Nat221 · Feb 2, 2008, 06:35 PM

Hi,

I "met" a man on a dating site a few months ago. We are a bit far from each other so we have not met yet. We are not kids anymore :)

At the beginning he was too fast for me, sending tons of emails every day, then we started to communicate on the phone and webcam. But he disappeared several times, reappering as if nothing happened. When he does, he calls me every night... He even asked me if I wanted to get married again etc... He talked about a trip to meet, but not anymore.

I can see he sends silent signals, but if I have read a lot of litterature and advice about "normal" dating, I see nothing about online. I have no idea if he sees other women and what he is doing when he disappears.

He is a nice guy, intelligent, full of humor, and I would like to get his attention back. I am not really interested in anyone else. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you very much

ChihuahuaMomma · Feb 2, 2008, 07:10 PM

It sounds like you are more of a hobby to him. Something to do when he is bored...

I'm sorry so harsh, just saying what it appears to me.

I would suggest if you are going to try online dating, to find someone that lives closer to you. You can meet earlier on, go on dates... I think dating sites are meant to introduce you to a possible mate. Not to intiate and form a relationship online.

onlinecounsellor_Dale · Feb 2, 2008, 07:16 PM

Hi Nat
Obviously you want to pursue this relationship so I'm wondering where you see it heading? Have YOU asked to meet in person? Perhaps a 'real life' meeting is the next logical step and would also provide an opportunity for your current uncertainty to be addressed?

I get the impression that you may be taking all your cues from him and allowing him to set the tone/pace of the relationship. Perhaps you need to take greater initiative so that you too can get your needs met (and have those unanswered questions answered!)?

Good luck!
Kind regards
Dale

**MODERATOR NOTE: Personal website removed.**

bizygurl · Feb 2, 2008, 07:34 PM

I met my fiancée online, so been through it. In my experience, my fiancée lived three states away from me. And we talked to each other for a good 4 months before we met each other, our first meeting was incredible and with no akwardness because by that point we already "knew" each other, it felt natural like we had this relationship for a really long time. I think online dating tends to get a bad rap but relationships, good relationships, do come out of them.

But with us, we were up front and honest with each other in the very beginning. There weren't anytimes of him or I being in contact and then not being in contact (out of nowhere) at least not without letting each other know about it. We really truly loved each other and the momment he said I love you, he also said he was giving up other woman for me.

In your situation, its hard to read. Maybe he doesn't want to be as serious as you want him to. Or maybe his lifestyle is such where he can't spend as much time online as he would like with you. At the very least he should be letting you know why he "disappears" then reapears". I think he does at least owe you that curtosey. It may have nothing to do with dating other woman either. Your best bet is just talking to him. Ask him where he thinks this may be going for you both. He seems to obviously care for you, and be upfront and ask if he's dating other woman. Its for your benefit and your heart. Its better to know and realize the kind of relationship it is then to not know and think its serious when to him it isn't. Online dating is harder than regular dating because your only access to that person is computer, or phone. So talk to him about these concerns, you deserve to know.

Nat221 · Feb 2, 2008, 09:44 PM

Thanks for your answers. Nice of you.

For reasons I cannot explain here, I cannot find someone near me (kind of deserted island if you wish) :) .

At the beginning he sent me 10 emails a day with flowers and kisses and hugs, and he talked about a trip (in Dec), that's just afterwards he disappeared for the first time, and he said he had computer issues, and his son was visiting. Then he disappeared a second time around NY, saying he had family. Still computer issues, but I can see he goes to the site.

We started with phone and webcam, we spend hours talking, and we have a lot to talk about. He said he L... me, and I put the brakes on, he cannot say that so early. But now, he appears less and less, never during the weekend, I asked him clear questions, he answers with jokes. That's why I don't know what to do. He is like a snake, you cannot get hold on him. When I ask about the trip he says he has no time, he has to work... he can come on a weekend! So he doesn't seems as motivated.

Thanks, Bizy, I think that's what should happen, so I am more concerned. And we are not young, so I don't want to waste my time. I do not want anything as such, he wanted more than I and faster... But he asked me, and seems concerned, if I have another man. He said he wants honesty, but I don't feel he is so.

I think we could get along, we talk and laugh a lot, well... when he is there, so Dale, what do you suggest now that I said a bit more? ;) Do I ask him until I get an answer, next time we are on the phone... although people advising on normal relationship say not to push, not to try to convince (I will certainly not), be funny etc... Hard in this situation:(

Thanks for your help

Fr_Chuck · Feb 2, 2008, 10:33 PM

He may of course be chatting online to several girls, or have a real life girlfriend back home. Or even a wife and family. Many married men date online looking to find sexual partners, they know all the words and promises to make until it is time to actually do any of them.
So you have to be careful.
If you meet, always consider doing it in public places an keep the date safe to what you are ready for.

ChihuahuaMomma · Feb 2, 2008, 10:42 PM

Nat--I am just giving my opinion, and how things appear to me. Sorry if you disagree... But sometimes that's reality.

ChihuahuaMomma · Feb 3, 2008, 05:15 AM

Thanks Clough...

talaniman · Feb 3, 2008, 08:07 AM

People can say whatever they want over the net, so how would you know if they were honest or not? They are putting their best foot forward, so I advice caution, in online dating, and don't just believe anything you hear, without checking it out. Protect yourself, as there are many predators, and those with there own agendas, out there. I think your wise, to question his honesty.

Fr_Chuck · Feb 3, 2008, 09:34 AM

As many know I meet and married my lovely wife online, we just happened to bump into each other on ICQ ( don't even know if they exist anymore)

But I did meet and date abou 8 or so other ladies, and I am sure some must have had their ideas about me, but I will tell you there were some real nut cases. Ones idea of a first date wouild have invovled whips and chains, another one wanted to start picking out wedding dresses on the first date, another one turned out to be a witch who said she put a spell on me so I could never leave her. And another one I dated for a couple of months started to track my carrerr, ( OK I would have a great job today with her) and one was married and her husband a truck driver, which explained why she was not available at certain times.

But in talking with a lot of women who date online, I have sadly found they tell the same story, many meet men who only wanted sex and then they never heard from them again, sort of a game to score as many times as you can. I found many meet men who ended up being married.

So in this do you have his work address and phone number, if you call his work do you say hello I am calling for... this is his girl friend.
That will divide up many real fast.
Do you have his home phone number not just his cell number, do you have his home address and have you ever mailed things there also.
** and have you checked online to see if this is his home address not a UPS store mail drop.

Now with that said there are many just lonely people who do have trouble meeting people in real life out there, just for everyone good one there is 10 goof balls.

Nat221 · Feb 3, 2008, 10:08 AM

I know that, and yes, I have his home address and phone number (although I never gave him mine). And checked on internet.

He seemed very interested at the beginning, and asked me the other day what are you doing on the date.com?? So he was there too. Actually I was not :D He is the one who wanted more from me. I am not a crazy woman, and he is not a crazy man. Of that I am sure. If he wants only sex, I am not his best option LOL :D

"They" say... do not assume... in their advice, be positive, so some of you help me a lot (another one no, but no problem for me), just I want to know: what do I do? Do I disappear also? But will he be jealous, and will this trigger a positive reaction... not sure. I have the feeling that this guy is what he says he is (phone at night until late, so no wife, webcam, etc... ), just he might have met someone else lately, and in this case how can I draw him back? She may be close to him, so much easier. DO NOT ASSUME :mad: HARD!!

Actually I found THIS site, looking for this answer, but as I said earlier, they talk about normal relationships, be funny, smiling, sexy, attractive... try to meet him where he goes... We call with Messenger, and it is never me who call, so should I call his home? I don't want to spy, he can resent it.

I am very grateful for your points of view
Thanks

Fr_Chuck · Feb 3, 2008, 10:54 AM

In the end, there is no real good answer, there is always so many maybes or ifs. Perhaps because this is a long distant relastionship, there are slow periods, ( life does happen and we get busy) and perhaps he is having to do all sorts of things, unless he is telling you way, you have no way to really know, I guess a red flag to me is if he is not telling you something, because communication online is easier normally than real life person to person, so if there is trouble now it will not get better latter.
So have you asked him why, and what does he say?

And in the end, the real issue with long distance is it tires easy and real life local can take over, isnce it is nicer to hold a persons hand, than a mouse ond web cam. Bu also in the end after a cerrtain amount of time, one person has to start making choices of moving to make it a real life relastionshp.

bizygurl · Feb 3, 2008, 11:09 AM

Originally Posted by Nat221

I know that, and yes, I have his home address and phone number (although I never gave him mine). And checked on internet.

He seemed very interested at the beginning, and asked me the other day what are you doing on the date.com??? So he was there too. Actually I was not :D He is the one who wanted more from me. I am not a crazy woman, and he is not a crazy man. Of that I am sure. If he wants only sex, I am not his best option LOL :D

"They" say... do not assume.... in their advice, be positive, so some of you help me a lot (another one no, but no problem for me), just I want to know: what do I do? Do I disappear also? But will he be jealous, and will this trigger a positive reaction... not sure. I have the feeling that this guy is what he says he is (phone at night until late, so no wife, webcam, etc...), just he might have met someone else lately, and in this case how can I draw him back? She may be close to him, so much easier. DO NOT ASSUME :mad: HARD!!!

Actually I found THIS site, looking for this answer, but as I said earlier, they talk about normal relationships, be funny, smiling, sexy, attractive... try to meet him where he goes... We call with Messenger, and it is never me who call, so should I call his home? I don't want to spy, he can resent it.

I am very grateful for your points of view
Thanks

Your absolutely right, you shouldn't assume. Because you never know what is going on with his side of it. And yes not knowing, is extermely hard. I guess your best bet, like I said is to really talk with him about these things, voice your concerns. If he refuses to talk to you about them, doesn't answer any of your questions. Or says everything is cool and then still disapears without telling you then I would "disapear" also. It may make him jealous or wonder where you are and then it may not. But at least you will know where his head is at and it'l put your mind at ease. Then make the best decision for you.I hope it turns out well for you and good luck with it.:)

Ps. It shouldn't be a problem to call his house since he gave you his number, but that's more of personal decision, one that you have to be comfortable with.

onlinecounsellor_Dale · Feb 3, 2008, 11:10 AM

Hi again Nat

Do you want to 'disappear'/drop out of contact from him? No, so don't, as that would purely be game playing, get you no closer to the answers you seek, and just serve to confuse him as well.

The skepticism other posters voice on her with respect to his marital status is understandable, given his sudden 'absences' and dropping out of communication around important holidays (Christmas, New Year). Your most recent post suggests, however, that you have 'checked this out' to your satisfaction, right?

In the beginning of most relationships, regardless of whether they are established online or in 'real life', we want to believe the best of the other person. After all, we have no history with them to suggest we need believe otherwise, and the intoxicating effect of being attracted to someone who makes us feel attractive serves as a 'lens' through which we view the object of our affection (rose tinted glasses, if you like). I share this so that you are aware that your overall favourable impression, willingness to accept what he tells you, and reluctance to question him, may be greater (and slightly distorted) when compared to that of third parties (such as other posters) who are not invested in him being what he says he is. Something to consider.

Finally, you sound like you want to move forward with him but are unsure how. I'd try simple, direct honest verbal communication i.e. not text based (you need to be able to hear his responses, tone of voice, any pauses, hesitation etc). Let him know that you initially experienced your beginnings as a bit of a whirlwind and that he came on a bit thick and strong for your liking, but that now that he is 'putting the brakes on'/distancing himself in your opinion, you miss his attentions and realise how open you are to the possibility of pursuing a relationship (offline as well as online). Ask him where he stands with this idea now.

Given the amount of time and energy you are investing into communication with him, you deserve to know where (if anywhere) it is heading. Are you going to meet in person and, importantly, when? Is he interested in the possibility of an exclusive relationship? Once you have answers to these questions, you will be better equipped to decide whether you want to cease or continue contact.

I hope this helps Nat!

Dale

bizygurl · Feb 3, 2008, 11:18 AM

Originally Posted by onlinecounsellor_Dale

Hi again Nat

Do you want to 'disappear'/drop out of contact from him? No, so don't, as that would purely be game playing, get you no closer to the answers you seek, and just serve to confuse him as well.

The skepticism other posters voice on her with respect to his marital status is understandable, given his sudden 'absences' and dropping out of communication around important holidays (Christmas, New Year). Your most recent post suggests, however, that you have 'checked this out' to your satisfaction, right?

In the beginning of most relationships, regardless of whether they are established online or in 'real life', we want to believe the best of the other person. After all, we have no history with them to suggest we need believe otherwise, and the intoxicating effect of being attracted to someone who makes us feel attractive serves as a 'lens' through which we view the object of our affection (rose tinted glasses, if you like). I share this so that you are aware that your overall favourable impression, willingness to accept what he tells you, and reluctance to question him, may be greater (and slightly distorted) when compared to that of third parties (such as other posters) who are not invested in him being what he says he is. Something to consider.

Finally, you sound like you want to move forward with him but are unsure how. I'd try simple, direct honest verbal communication i.e. not text based (you need to be able to hear his responses, tone of voice, any pauses, hesitation etc). Let him know that you initially experienced your beginnings as a bit of a whirlwind and that he came on a bit thick and strong for your liking, but that now that he is 'putting the brakes on'/distancing himself in your opinion, you miss his attentions and realise how open you are to the possibility of pursuing a relationship (offline as well as online). Ask him where he stands with this idea now.

Given the amount of time and energy you are investing into communication with him, you deserve to know where (if anywhere) it is heading. Are you going to meet in person and, importantly, when? Is he interested in the possibility of an exclusive relationship? Once you have answers to these questions, you will be better equipped to decide whether you want to cease or continue contact.

I hope this helps Nat!

Dale
Online Counselling Support - Australia - Dalee Counsel - Home

That's a really good answer. I thought that maybe if she has exhausted all her efforts in trying to find out where this relationship is heading and he keeps giving her the run-around or not taking it seriously then maybe she should stop contacting him for a little while. No point in beating a dead horse if he doesn't at least give her that. And that may tell her all she needs to know.
Slightly different points of view, but great advice either way.:)

talaniman · Feb 3, 2008, 11:19 AM

Why put all your eggs in his basket? There are millions of possibilities out there. To many to waste time, on ifs, and maybe's.

Nat221 · Feb 3, 2008, 12:29 PM

Originally Posted by ChihuahuaMomma

It sounds like you are more of a hobby to him. Something to do when he is bored...

I'm sorry so harsh, just saying what it appears to me.

I would suggest if you are going to try online dating, to find someone that lives closer to you. You can meet earlier on, go on dates....I think dating sites are meant to introduce you to a possible mate. Not to intiate and form a relationship online.

In my latest messages, I was referring to this one, that is negative, with no information from me (I didn't give a lot in my first one), and just unhelping. Her (is she a woman?) next ones were not better. Fortunately there are many caring persons here, and I am answering them now. This being said, it is my first experience online.

Nat221 · Feb 3, 2008, 01:04 PM

Thanks Chuck, Bizy, Dale, I have a better idea of what to do now. I am happily surprised that so many persons are willing to cheer me up (cheering not meaning pretending everything is ok). I hope that I can help too now,. errr... maybe not in relationships :)

I am going to TALK and demand an answer. And I will have those messages in front of me at that time LOL!! If he slips away, I will tell him clearly that it is not what I was expecting at the beginning, and that I am going to stop contacting him until he is clear. So he will know why. He wants to know everything from me, he seemed upset that I go to my activities at night when he is ready to contact me, and says nothing about him, or... general answers. He had computer issues, he was busy cleaning his house, and PREPARING IT FOR ME!! He told me he doesn't run after 2 rabbits at the same time, he has no one else and he has only one but... am I this one?? And I will demand that he comes see me (before I spend an airfare for nothing).

I have been hurt (very very) a while ago, in a real relationship, but the guy told me he wanted young girls (no, I am not, far from that), so at least I knew, and I wanted to forget him. So now I am cautious, maybe a bit paranoid (HE told me so!! ), and I made many mistakes with the other one, that I don't want to reproduce (calling him all the time, accepting the unacceptable etc... ). But where does the unacceptable start? No always easy to determine.

Sorry, another unhelpful reply, I do not put all my eggs etc... I have not found another interesting on those sites. Where I live, well... I cannot consider anyone, and I have been alone for 28 years. Not so many millions out there. Oh, yes, if you want only one night, even that I wouldn't. So no, I don't want to dump him, and yes, I would like to go forwards. I am picky and he is the best I have "met" for long. Actually we get along well, we have common interests and when he talks until 1 AM, he is obviously alone. He told me about all his family (with pictures), I have pictures of his house, so I am confused.

Big sigh... thanks all of you, and hopefully tomorrow I will know. I certainly will keep you posted, I may need more Hhaha!!

Nat

PS that would be funny if HE asks questions about me here, maybe he is confused too, but humor (his usual answers) doesn't solve everything!:D

Nat221 · Feb 3, 2008, 01:08 PM

I editted and wanted to add something, I am not sure how to do, so I will say it here.
When I said young girls, I meant young for us, like 30 - 40. Sorry

ChihuahuaMomma · Feb 17, 2008, 05:37 PM

Originally Posted by Nat221

In my latest messages, I was refering to this one, that is negative, with no information from me (I didn't give a lot in my first one), and just unhelping. Her (is she a woman?) next ones were not better. Fortunately there are many caring persons here, and I am answering them now. This being said, it is my first experience online.

Just to clarify, yes, I'm a woman otherwise, my name might be chihuahuadaddy. And I think my information was helpful based on the given information from you. I was simply stating what I was seeing. And to be given a reddie for it is stupid. But I wish you the best of luck in your "relationship", and we all definitely love updates. So feel free to pop back in and tell us how things are going.