[Delow84]

Thanks historianChick that sounds like a great idea. I think I will definitely do that this week. :)

[HistorianChick]

Kevin: Hey, I'm not afraid anymore! I said I'm not afraid anymore! Do you hear me? I'm not afraid anymore!

:D

[Delow84]

Lately I been doing A lot to keep my mind and myself busy. I have picked up a lot of OT at work, so I am working almost the entire time I'm awake. 5-6 days a week. Which shows my employer I am dedicated but also keeps me from being bored, idle hands and all that. Also I get to reap the benefits come pay day. So I am one step closer to the motorcycle I want to get, to moving, and being able to enjoy HAVING money for a change.

I am finally out of the debt my ex and I got into when she was job hopping. I have been working out everyday and am actually pretty proud of the way I look now compared to 4-5 months ago. :) I am keeping my video game playing time down low because I believe that was a fault of mine, although I am going to buy a psp, because I can play games, listen to music and watch movies on it :)

Last night after a long day of work, I came home, and I was in a good mood. I may not have been 'happy' but I was confident that I was going to be OK.

So Id like to quote HC and Kevin. "I'm not afraid anymore!" I'll survive whatever is thrown my way, I am not afraid.

[HistorianChick]

Yessssssss!! I'm proud of you! :)

[HistorianChick]

You ever watch Home Alone, my friend? Or, The Holiday?

How's it all going for you?

[Delow84]

The holiday you, haven't gotten a chance to rent Home Alone, working too much lol. Its all going OK. I had a dream about my ex last night. This one she saw me and I saw her but I walked away cause you know we arnt together and its hard. Well she came after me, came up to me and started hugging and kissing me. Like she hadn't seen me for years or something... in my dream I pushed her away, and I loved that moment, but I pushed her away.

Then I woke up.

I didn't cry when I woke up. I didn't say "God I hate my life". I got up, and started my day.

So how does that sound

[HistorianChick]

Delow84... you're taking charge of your life, your emotions, your dreams, and your realities and, rather than focusing on the hurt and disappointments of the past few weeks, you're truly living in the moment.

You're getting up and starting your day.

You're surviving. Standing. Being.

You're doing great.

[friend4u178]

Couldn't agree more... I think your doing great.

[Delow84]

Thanks guys. I honestly believe I wouldn't be doing so well if I hadn't made this post when I did. I'd probably still be wallowing in self pity.

But now I'm using all those feelings I had/have as my motivation in everything I do.

In the year and a half I have worked at my current job. This last 2 weeks was the first time I had a full 80 hours + OT (I use to leave 30 min early everyday and leave earlier when they would let me) The next 4 weeks I will have my 80+35 OT/2wks.

I feel like my inspiration to draw and write is slowly coming back. I am a lot more outgoing with people and friendly. I joined my workeds softball team (the game is sat, we haven't practiced and I'm the only one who knows what position I'm playing. Lmao) god that's going to be a slaughter.

Other then my psp I don't play games that much. Throw down a little on halo3 before bed but no more then 30 min. (unless I'm playing with my dad)... I really haven't been giving myself time to sulk. Which is good.

Sucks being a scorpio sometimes lol (read about scorpio and I am exactly how it describes)

[HistorianChick]

A scorpio, huh? Being the complete cancer that I am, I am finding that (like you) this forum is again awakening a side of me that cancer personalities possess - the nurturing side. This forum helps more than we could possibly explain, doesn't it?

I've been abundantly blessed and indescribably nurtured through the receiving of - and giving of - advice here in this little corner of the e-world. Its amazing how many times what I type is just what I need to hear... this is a beautiful, healing place. (alright, I AM a girl, I can get sappy every once in a while, right? )

Its awesomely cool, isn't it? :)

[Delow84]

I totally agree with you HC. This is a great site and I'm glad I found it.

[Delow84]

So it's almost been 4 months since the split. The first 2 months I'd say were the worst. I had a cousin move in with me at my new apt so I wouldn't be alone (he is 19) and so he is of the mindset "lets go to a party, lets party etc" And seeing as when I was 18 riiiight when I was going to do all that, I got with ex, so I wasn't 'allowed' so I missed out on that stuff.

So those first 2 months I did some catching up on that part of my life. And although it was fun, it just isn't me lol. But at least now I know that I can go hang with some friends and drink some, or Sunday for the superbowl I can actually drink without a 2nd mother hovering over me.

These last 2 months are really when I am trying my hardest to keep busy (and constructive) I think maybe it was the night me and my friends were drinking heavy, and EACH of my 3 friends had an ex screw them over. So they got all depressed. Which sucked, and I got depressed. Well long story short everyone branded themselves on the chest.

Looking back its like duuuumb. But I've only drank once since and no way I'm letting my ex's memory have that kind of power over me.

So I set goals. A- get my motorcycle B- move to Colorado C- get skydiving certified D- mountain climbing/camping/fishing etc.

But it's easy to set goals, much harder to accomplish. What I think I've learned is nothing worth it comes easy, and nothing you have lasts forever. So got to do what you can, when you can and enjoy it.

So I am working 12-14 hours a day- 6 days a week. Working out for an hour everyday when I get home. Playing halo3 for like 30 min with whoever is still up. Going to sleep and repeating. It may not sound like much NOW. I am not running out doing all the fun things I want like my ex is. I've learned patience. In march I WILL get my bike, and ill have accomplished one of my goals, so I am excited and looking forward to it.

I will keep working hard (though not quite as many hours as now) and save so I can move this summer.

And lately it occurred to me, when I think of my ex, as much sadness as is mixed in those memories... when I picture her she just doesn't look the same. It's like the little things I overlooked when we were together, are blatantly obvious now.

She took an easy road, so she is happy now. Im on the harder road, I WILL be happier later. I will feel accomplished and confident in myself because what I am doing now. Then I will make memories WORTH remembering.


Bah just felt like venting some. I keep thinking of that diamond rio song the one about the broken road? Good song.

[HistorianChick]

And lately it occured to me, when i think of my ex, as much sadness as is mixed in those memories.... when I picture her she just doesnt look the same. It's like the little things I overlooked when we were together, are blatantly obvious now.

She took an easy road, so she is happy now. Im on the harder road, I WILL be happier later. I will feel accomplished and confident in myself because what I am doing now. Then I will make memories WORTH remembering.

Wow... You're awesome, Delow. You're such an inspiration for all of us that have been through it.

I think the most prolific thing you said in that post was "when i picture her, she just doesn't look the same." Wow. You've been able to step back, look at the situation, and re-evaluate your opinions. That is one of the hardest things to do.

You have taken the steps on that proverbial "harder road" and you're well on your way to the mountain top... via a hot, Top Gun bike! ;)

You are amazing. I'm proud of you. It's been such a privilege to observe your journey. Keep us up to date and never be sorry for 'venting.'

[Delow84]

via a hot, Top Gun bike! ;)

Lol that is awesome. I am going to so have someone drive next to me and take a pic or something lol.

Here on my first 70 hour OT check I'm going to take a little out so I can go buy me a new wardrobe. Cause to be honest I haven't bought myself clothes (other then 1 hat and 1 pair of shoes) since I was 18... I'm 23 now. Thank God for parents buying clothes instead of the cool stuff.

I am doing a lot better then I was at taking care of myself, keeping my hair nice and shaving etc. been getting a lot of compliments which is cool.

It still sucks going to bed cause I dream of her every night. My only comfort there is that no matter which version of her is there (the one I love, and the one who doesn't know what love is) I always push her away, It's never a dream of us together.

And like the song neon moon I think, every sad song does seem to say what I think or feel. So I just pick the top 10 or 15 songs that are the most depressing. And play them while I work out.

Vday is coming up. Not looking forward to that. Ill prob pull a double at work. Maybe buy the ladies I work with flowers :). And I still have a lot of those moments in the car that I get choked up and tears spring to my eyes. Just one day at a time though.

[HistorianChick]

Lol that is awesome. I am gonna so have someone drive next to me and take a pic or something lol.

Now that's a must! If you do, post it on here!

Flowers for the ladies you work with... that's so sweet. It's a great idea, too.

Music is amazing, isn't it? I've been playing Slide and Let Love In a lot... and Better Days... basically, I've been listening to Goo Goo Dolls! Lol! Although, I did buy some peppy music this morning and am going to download it to my phone for working out... you know, the good stuff for Cardio (Get the Party Started, I'm too Sexy :), Survivor, those kind)

Take care!

[Delow84]

Don't forget "I will survive" lol Ive been listening mostly to the key songs throughout my last relationship. But I'm starting to mix in a few more upbeat ones.
Oh and definitely going to have to post those pics when I get them, I am looking around early to mid march getting my bike (still need to get my 'M' license, and well learn how to ride lol)

Anyway today is my Friday so prob be 2 more days before I post on here ( I try and stay off computer when at home) so I will see everyone laters :)

[Robert7x]

I bought a bike first, then learned how to ride, then got the M license... You can ride on the permit you know... That's what I did.

I have a GSXr 600 red/black (red is my favorite color, what can I say) The bike is awsome.

Although, now I want something faster... 1000 maybe :)

Good luck bud

[Delow84]

Nice robert, you I'm prob going to just get my permit and then bike like a day after, I am shooting for a 07' GSXr 600 red and black also... that's my fav color combo lol. Isn't no way id get a 1000 id prob kill myself lol.

Maybe later. :)

[HistorianChick]

I don't care how fast a bike is, how hot it looks, how amazing it sounds... I've just got to be able to hang on to a sweetie! :)

(Although, Choppers... wow... Sorry guys, I like the cruisers! Oooo... and red. It has to be red. Or black. Black works, too! ;))

[Delow84]

Cruisers are nice, but on a fast back with a girl behind you, going fast, she going to want to hold on a lot tighter, and be a lot closer. Which is OK by me. :) Black and Red always good choices