Check out some similar questions!

Romefalls19 · Jan 29, 2008, 11:09 AM

Yea I am, and she will get the point eventually because I am leaving the only job I see her at because my career job is getting bigger and won't have time for it. Then I'll just change my number and be all set.

Where abouts in jersey?

jiltedgirl · Jan 30, 2008, 06:11 AM

Bergen County. You?

So the oddest thing happened to me last night. I talked to two of my friends (one is a mutual friend by the way myself and ex) and I had an epiphany. I was talking to her about the entire breakup and since then, and she told me "Oh yea! I totally forgot. You were the one who broke up with him. Twice...I mean I don't know what to say." And I had to stop myself. I realized that his lack of contact, etc wasn't him rejecting me. It was me who rejected him, whatever my reasons were (my own insecurities--i was scared he wouldn't stay interested), not that they matter much anymore.

I'm not sure why but this helped me get over the ex a lot, in a span of an hour or two, more than NC, months of self-pitying, or anything period.

Even though my feelings of love for him were constant, I reacted in a volatile manner to them. The worst manifestations were when I'd get angry, resentful, suspicious, and demanding. No wonder he called me "crazy" and "indecisive." My own insecurities played mind games on me. I became adamant that we wouldn't last, even though I wanted it to, and that breaking up was the only way that I wouldn't get hurt in the longrun.

In any case, I realize these are the consequences of my actions. (We are over.) I talked to him online today, and I didn't feel angry, resentul, or like my heart was ripping in two. Instead I just felt sad for him and for myself--him, because of his inability to communicate his emotions, and me, because of my inability to lose control for a person completely.

I'm not even sad. I think the breakup portion that hurt me the most was the feeling of rejection. But we both rejected each other because of the type of people we are. I guess we were incompatible in this regard.

Maybe these are "mind games," but this is very different from the other times. Maybe it's acceptance. I'm not sure what.

All I know is that he's moved on and I feel like I've finally started, too.

Romefalls19 · Jan 30, 2008, 06:21 AM

I live in Burlington Country.. Right outside of Trenton...

Yea, I know what you mean, I have finally realize my ex is moving on, and while I don't want a relationship, I know I need to just find someone to pass the time with. I know that's kind of frowned upon in this forum but still it will take my mind off things... At least for awhile

jiltedgirl · Jan 31, 2008, 04:09 PM

I know that you guys probably look down on my actions of violating NC. In any case, I felt bad being a total ***** to him so I asked my ex if he'd like to meet up again and that'd I'd buy him ice cream as a gesture of apology. He agreed (he likes sweets like me). Since he always visited me, I agreed to visiting him.

Only I find myself not wanting to make the effort (several hours into cold New England blech) to see him, like I normally would. In other words, I feel like it isn't worth it. I don't want to see him that badly. So I was about to cancel on him by asking him to visit me (he's a bit lazy). In any case, he said that he'd visit me, which is fine, too.

It's so strange. I almost feel guilty that my feelings for him have faded away. It's not that I don't want to see him. I do miss his company. He's a really funny, nice guy. I just don't feel anything for him anymore.

Is this a sign I have gotten over him? Is this normal? Or is a mindgame again?

I mean... I can't believe it!

Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone for listening to me. I wish everyone the best!!

confused25 · Feb 1, 2008, 01:04 AM

jiltedgirl: I'm a little confused at your situation. You say that you were the one who broke up with him twice, but yet you felt rejected. Unfortunately I don't really understand that.

Aside from that it's hard to say whether you have gotten over him. In reality only you can know that for sure. However, I suggest you give yourself a week and see how you feel then. If you no longer think about him then you have indeed gotten over him.

One last thing, it sounds like the "epiphany" you had has helped you mature. You are starting to see that it was a lot of your insecurities that helped lead to the end of the relationship. By all means it wasn't entirely your fault, but by working on these insecurities this acknowledgment will help you in future relationships.

jiltedgirl · Feb 1, 2008, 03:17 AM

Originally Posted by confused25

jiltedgirl: I'm a little confused at your situation. You say that you were the one who broke up with him twice, but yet you felt rejected. Unfortunately I don't really understand that.

I thought he didn't like me enough, which was why I broke up with him. I thought he didn't want the relationship as much as I did. It's only now that I realize I was wrong. Once again, it was my own insecurities playing around with me.

Romefalls19 · Feb 1, 2008, 06:40 AM

It's OK.. I got a funny little story for everyone, my ex and this guy she works with are starting to talk. Her friend(no longer friends) liked him since early November, so when her friend Sam confronted her about it a huge blow out occurred in which my ex said she liked him before her. Naturally her ex friend felt compelled to tell me(not that I can believe her friend but I didn't care anyways), and after my ex found out her "friend" told me. The past 4 days she has been texting me telling me that's not what she said at all, and she wishes I would believe her for once and that she has never lied to me an blah blah blah. My response was simple and short saying "none of it matters now, we aren't together" and she said "But it's not like I liked him while we dated, he's just been there for me since we broke up" I know this guy is a rebound and it's not going to last, but I still just told her "goodbye" and she still texted me even after we met at work last night to exchange some things I found while cleaning out the basement. Nothing was said while we were exchanging, except hello and small talk... Then I walk back inside work and again a text saying "I wish you would believe me, I only had feelings for you. I just couldn't take the jealousy and controlling anymore" So I said "Since I am trying to change and be more trusting and everything..I will believe you. Thank you for the truth. Goodbye"

Was I wrong for saying that?

George_1950 · Feb 1, 2008, 06:54 AM

Romefalls19 writes: "Then I walk back inside work and again a text saying "I wish you would believe me, I only had feelings for you. I just couldn't take the jealousy and controlling anymore" So I said "Since I am trying to change and be more trusting and everything.. I will believe you. Thank you for the truth. Goodbye"

"Was I wrong for saying that?"
If I could edit out anything, it would be 'will' in 'I will believe you' to 'I believe you'. Perfecto!

Romefalls19 · Feb 1, 2008, 07:00 AM

Yea, I mean she never lied to me during our relationship, that I know of anyway. So her friend could just be telling that stuff to me because she's angry. So I will just believe what she has told me, and while part of me does want her back, that responsed seemed like the right thing to do.

ISneezeFunny · Feb 1, 2008, 10:33 AM

As much as it seemed like bullhonky, you manned up to it and you played it fine. Right now, you have the upper hand. Feels good, don't it?

Romefalls19 · Feb 1, 2008, 11:48 AM

Yea it does, because she was so caught off guard by it.. She was expecting an argument or me to flip out on her and I played it completely cool and took the high road. She now doesn't know what to think ha ha.. We will see how everything goes.. I'm going to keep the NC and the barely talking when she texts me, but not be rude either.

confused25 · Feb 1, 2008, 12:22 PM

jiltedgirl: I want to give you the best advice possible, but before I can I have to ask the following question: Did you at any point try to get back together with him after you dumped him the second time?

Romefalls19: I think you are handling everything very well and you should be proud of yourself. Right now I'm almost positive she is confused at your mature behavior and also feels very bad about the recent events that happened. This doesn't mean she will have a change of heart about having another shot at the relationship, but your actions are saying a lot of good things about your character. Keep it up!

jiltedgirl · Feb 2, 2008, 04:14 PM

Originally Posted by confused25

jiltedgirl: I want to give you the best advice possible, but before I can I have to ask the following question: Did you at any point try to get back together with him after you dumped him the second time?

Yes, I did. He asked me if I was positive that I wanted to get back together. I replied honestly, no. I told him to give me a day, except I never gave him an answer because I was unsure. When I had finally decided several weeks later, it was too late.

None of this matters anymore anyway. I am meeting up with him and my friend here to smooth things over between us in an hour or so. I don't harbor anymore feelings (and by that I mean romantic) for him or want to get back together. We're just better off friends.

confused25 · Feb 2, 2008, 05:20 PM

jiltedgirl: Sounds like you know what your doing. Let us know what happens after the meeting. Good luck and I hope it goes well.

ihatewestseneca · Feb 3, 2008, 10:26 AM

The past few days have actually been pretty good... I don't really think I miss her anymore, rather, who I thought she was. I'm no longer saying to myself "damn, I had a good one" because if she really was a good one she probably would have made more of an effort to commit. Anyway, NC works! And I'm so glad I found this site! I can't even imagine where I would be without it... probably still calling making myself more miserable. Thanks everyone!

jiltedgirl · Feb 3, 2008, 12:28 PM

It was a little awkward in the beginning, but he was so exhausted when he got here, he took a nap (while I was getting ready for the party). Apparently, I got very drunk and he had to carry me back to my room, so I guess it worked out; he got some sleep while I passed out and began the process of sobering up. I popped the aerobed he was supposed to sleep in by accident with my heel (I am very very clumsy) so when I woke up this morning, he was asleep next to me. We didn't do anything that night, but I thought it was odd that he kept wanting to cuddle and kiss me. He really wanted to hook up. I told him "no" because we are trying to be friends.

However, we hooked up. I felt guilty during and afterwards. I wasn't really into it and I realize it's because I'm not into him anymore. That made me a little sad.

In any case, he just left. I'm not sure what I'm feeling. I didn't think it'd go this way.

Oh well.

confused25 · Feb 3, 2008, 03:59 PM

jiltedgirl: Well first of all, I've learned that things never go the way we want them to. Trust me, when it comes to relationships I always think of every possible scenario that can happen and to my surprise something I didn't even think of occurs... and it's not always for the better.

I'm sure you have already realized this, but you should not have met under those circumstances. I thought you guys were going to get together over some food, talk things through, and let one another know that there were no hard feelings. Instead you guys bring a party, alcohol, and sex into the mix, which is always bad news.

Personally I think that despite what you say, you BOTH still have feelings for one another. They may not be as strong as before, and ones feelings may be stronger then the other, but the feelings are definitely still there.

If you really aren't into this guy anymore then you need to stay true to your word and not involve yourself romantically with him. If he wants to cuddle, kiss, or have sex then you need to tell him "No" otherwise your sending mixed signals. If you want to be friends then you need to keep it at just that. If you can't then go back to No Contact. Erase him from your life and move on.

Personally I think you two need to sit down (maybe over a cup of coffee) and have a long talk about where you both want this relationship/friendship to go. If you both agree that you would like to stay friends then you should both agree to some boundaries and stick to them. If one or the other feels that a friendship will not work then leave it alone and be happy that you two tried.

I guess what it comes down to is knowing what you want. Whether it's a relationship, friendship, or nothing to do with him. Once you know that, you'll be able to make the right decisions.

jiltedgirl · Feb 3, 2008, 04:21 PM

Thanks confused25. I definitely agree with everything you just said. It sounds completely reasonable and I wish my [our] actions had been different.

I should have just been resolute and stuck with a resounding "No". I did for a while. I kept resisting, and he continued to ask, "Why not??" I told him "You know why. Because we're trying to be friends. And I don't know about you, but I don't kiss and have sex with m friends."

But I understand that if I want to be friends with him, we have to establish boundaries. This is the last time we will have sex. I am POSITIVE that he doesn't harbor any feelings for me. He probably just wanted some A$$ (excuse my french).

confused25 · Feb 3, 2008, 04:31 PM

jiltedgirl: From what you're telling us it does sound like all he wanted was sex, which more then likely means he no longer has any romantic feelings.

Aside from that, the most important thing is how you feel about him. If you honestly are over him then I think you can have a friendship with him. However, if you're not then I suggest you give it some more time before you try talking to him.

Good luck and keep us up-to-date!

jiltedgirl · Feb 3, 2008, 05:19 PM

Yes, I'm positive that all he wanted was sex. I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. I'll give it time.

Well I just found out why he was so affectionate and wanted to hook up this morning. According to a friend, I apparently made out with him while drunk. I have no recollection of this whatsoever.

Talk about blocking out unwanted memories...