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HurtingALot · Feb 1, 2008, 08:35 AM

So it's been a month (yesterday... )

I am doing all the right things... keeping relatively busy... hanging with friends (I am super-fortunate to have great ones.) Even quasi-dating a new guy. Seeing a counselor, reading helpful books... etc... Basically, anything I can do to try to help myself through this, I am trying.

I have heard through mutual contacts that he (the ex) is not all that happy... but yet he hasn't contacted me at all.

I find myself flipping from feeling OK, to having to fight an unbelievable urge to go to him, call or text him.

My head says that any contact needs to come from him... though I'm afraid it never will. My head tells me that someone who wanted to be with someone else, couldn't be stopped. Meaning, no matter how long it's been, or what the circumstances were, If he really wanted me, nothing would stop him from coming to me and trying to make it work... (again.) I fear this will never happen, though. My head tells me that if he doesn't come back, he doesn't deserve me anyway. It is too hard.

Am I right here? Just need reinforcements that I am still doing the right thing by staying away. I know that he's the one who needs to contact... if ever. But it seems so hard, as I have this overwhelming urge to send a text telling him that I'm still thinking of him.

BAD IDEA?? Help please!!

lickemlolly · Feb 1, 2008, 08:41 AM

Yes very bad idea.. keep it at no contact.. I know its hard and sometimes you just want to text something simple like hi but Don't. And right now you need some you time. Keep your time occupied so that you do not have the overwhelming urge to think about him and as time goes by it will get easier. This is the first step to moving on and if he wants you back he will come around, but DO NOT chase him.

EuRa · Feb 1, 2008, 08:42 AM

This is the same guy that's caused you problems off and on for so long. So much of your life has been WASTED by this guy.

Wouldn't it be nice, to meet a man that doesn't play games, that's nice and secure, who tells you the truth and loves your company? You won't get it from this guy.

I had a girlfriend for 2 years. She was so HOTTTT! But other than that, I didn't really like her. For 2 years I let her cling to me, until I finally broke it off and told her point blank: "we are not meant to be, we can both find better life partners, we need to break up". For a solid 2 more years, she chased after me. What a waste! Then she finally started dating again. About her 5th new boyfriend, she met someone that she matched up PERFECTLY with. Got married, moved in, had a baby.

We talked once in a while. She didn't understand why she was so attached to me. She's way happier with him than she ever could have been with me. It just wasn't meant to be.

It's the same on your end. This guy does not have your best intentions at heart. I have visited 3-4 nursing homes and have talked to DOZENS of elderly women, who are the wisest people of all. As a woman, you need to find a man that has your best intentions at heart. HE DOESN'T!

And I'm sorry. :(

HurtingALot · Feb 1, 2008, 08:56 AM

You are right... and I know it. But it still hurts. Wish it would just go away already... I have cried enough over this... This guy doesn't have anyone's best intentions at heart... I sometimes wonder if he has a heart at all... I did my best. The rest is up to the universe?! UNIVERSE... HELP ALREADY!!

EuRa · Feb 1, 2008, 08:59 AM

Originally Posted by HurtingALot

You are right...and I know it. But it still hurts. Wish it would just go away already....I have cried enough over this.....

Time.

That's it. It takes time. While this time passes, you must learn from it. Oddly, you must embrace the bad feelings. You must learn what it feels like, and how to cope. Breaking up helps prepare you for when you have REAL problems in life. This is just practice, so embrace it and learn from it as best you can.

lickemlolly · Feb 1, 2008, 09:06 AM

Eura is right. Its going to take time and I know it hurts but it will pass. Try to fill your life with other things, take up some new hobbies hang out with friends try something new. The less time you spend thinking about this person the easier it will to get over it. Just means that this person wasn't the one... when mr right comes along he will be 10 times better than anyone you could ever imagine

HurtingALot · Feb 1, 2008, 09:11 AM

I just have a hard time getting "his" thoughts out of my head sometimes. I wonder why he thinks I'm not the one (if that is even what he is thinking... because seriously, how the heck would I know what he is really thinking?! LOL). I know I can't really know what he's thinking and regardless, it's out of my control. I believe he still thinks of me... but it is difficult to imagine why he thinks he is better without me. I just don't get it.

Need to stop worrying about things that are seriously beyond my control. Worrying about this stuff can drive you mad!!

EuRa · Feb 1, 2008, 09:12 AM

You're wayyyy too smart. Your brain is always moving and constantly thinking. Sucks to be intelligent, doesn't it? :)

HistorianChick · Feb 1, 2008, 09:12 AM

Don't you wish there was a way to make your heart understand like your head does? I'm with you on that one. The only thing that is going to help you is time. You are doing the right thing with not contacting him.

Darlin, when you have that "unbelievable urge" to call him, do something positive in its place. Sit down and write a note to your Mom. Call your grandmother (I love EuRa's mention of the nursing home - that's a great way to re-focus on what really matters). Meet a friend for coffee. Something positive that will get your mind off him and channel it into something that is going to benefit you.

Don't let him continue to occupy your thoughts and head... Don't give him that power. You write your own story, darlin, make it a happy ending. :)

HurtingALot · Feb 1, 2008, 09:13 AM

EuRA... you really are awesome! I have thought this before! Maybe it would be easier if I was the idiot in all of this?!

EuRa · Feb 1, 2008, 09:33 AM

Originally Posted by HurtingALot

EuRA....you really are awesome!! I have thought this before!! Maybe it would be easier if I was the idiot in all of this???!!!

If you were stupid, you wouldn't be so hung up on all this. You wouldn't be wondering so much "what if" this and that. You'd probably be able to push it to the back of your mind because it would wander so much. Perhaps not on purpose, but it would happen. If you were dumb, you'd have a much easier time with all this.

Of course if you were dumb, you'd also be incapable of getting involved a loving, caring, lasting relationship. You'd be incapable of real love, incapable of making things work, and incapable of being truly happy.

Does... this... ring any bells perhaps? :) I know what you're thinking. Get back to me!

HurtingALot · Feb 1, 2008, 09:44 AM

I am just so done having my heart broken. It is awful and undeniably painful. (Physically and mentally! )

I know I am better than this... better than him. I wish my heart and head would just be in sync. Everyone is telling me what I already know... but the pain is still there. I can't seem to get him out of my thoughts for any length of time. It's been a month after a year and a half relationship... wish I knew how much longer...

And I don't think he's over it... but if he is... then that certainly is not fair.

lickemlolly · Feb 1, 2008, 09:51 AM

Time time time is the essence to wish all pain is healed... not going to happen overnight but it will happen and little by little it will get easier. You shouldn't bother yourself questioning whether he is over it.. focus on you

HistorianChick · Feb 1, 2008, 09:53 AM

Remember Darlin, no pain, no pearl...

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...tml#post841493

Destro3000 · Feb 1, 2008, 03:44 PM

Originally Posted by HurtingALot

So it's been a month (yesterday...)

I am doing all the right things.....keeping relatively busy....hanging with friends (I am super-fortunate to have great ones.) Even quasi-dating a new guy. Seeing a counselor, reading helpful books....etc....Basically, anything I can do to try to help myself through this, I am trying.

I have heard through mutual contacts that he (the ex) is not all that happy....but yet he hasn't contacted me at all.

I find myself flipping from feeling ok, to having to fight an unbelievable urge to go to him, call or text him.

My head says that any contact needs to come from him....though I'm afraid it never will. My head tells me that someone who wanted to be with someone else, couldn't be stopped. Meaning, no matter how long it's been, or what the circumstances were, If he really wanted me, nothing would stop him from coming to me and trying to make it work...(again.) I fear this will never happen, though. My head tells me that if he doesn't come back, he doesn't deserve me anyway. It is too hard.

Am I right here? Just need reinforcements that I am still doing the right thing by staying away. I know that he's the one who needs to contact....if ever. But it seems so hard, as I have this overwhelming urge to send a text telling him that I'm still thinking of him.

BAD IDEA???? Help please!!!

He may be afraid that you'll tell him you're over him. I would feel things out a bit, maybe let it slip to one of his friends that you still care about him.

I did that too, I wanted my ex back but couldn't push myself to do it out of fear, and I waited too long. Make a small gesture and see what happens.

talaniman · Feb 1, 2008, 05:41 PM

But it seems so hard, as I have this overwhelming urge to send a text telling him that I'm still thinking of him.

When you feel that way clean your closet, as a month is not a lot of time, even though it feels longer than that.

benzie6567 · Oct 19, 2012, 06:27 AM

Ok I want to know the outcome! Its been 4 years! Did he call back? Did you move on? I am going through something similar right now and I just want to know if I am going to be OK!

talaniman · Oct 19, 2012, 08:10 AM

Originally Posted by benzie6567

Ok I want to know the outcome! Its been 4 years! Did he call back? Did you move on? I am going through something similar right now and I just want to know if I am going to be ok!

I encourage you to start your own question and get feed back as most old questions seldom come back to.

From experience most people are okay after a proper healing period, and thrive rather well.