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helsbels · Feb 1, 2008, 02:08 AM

Hi this is my first time on this board so I hope I have posted in the right place.
My problem is my ex husband has accused my daughter of stealing some money from his step son. He spoke to her on the phone about it and frightened her and I had her in tears all evening. Now she is saying she never wants to speak to him again but he keeps ringing trying to speak to her. I have spoken to her about the money and believe she didn't take it.
He has no proof only that the money is missing, he is a policeman and I know from experience that he will keep harassing us until he gets the answers he wants. She is to scared to speak to him and I have said that she doesn't have to. As far as I'm concerned the matter is closed but I know he won't leave us alone, he has alreadyy said I will have to be speaking to her again about it, but that's not acceptable to me. Any advice on what I can do about this would be apreciated (spelling!)

onlinecounsellor_Dale · Feb 1, 2008, 04:35 AM

It must be difficult to see your daughter hurting and I can understand that you want to protect her from the wrath of your ex husband, especially when you believe she is being falsely accused. Yet, this matter (the alleged stealing) is presumably something that happened while your daughter was staying at her fathers... and, as such, may need to be dealt with by him (and, more generally, his household).

I am not suggesting that you stand by and let your daughter be verbally abused if this is, in fact, what you believe to be happening. Although I do think you may need to give your ex and daughter the space to negotiate the matter and mend their father-daughter relationship.

Right now tempers are flared and/or feelings have been hurt so your daughter is unwilling to talk to her father. An indefinite stand off or silence between them is, however, unlikely to be in your daughter's best interests for two reasons: 1) Her relationship with her dad will suffer and 2) It sends the message that she can run away from uncomfortable problems/people/situations rather than having to confront them and work towards a resolution.

Give your daughter some time to 'cool off' (perhaps encourage her father to do the same before contacting her again), but let her know that she will need to speak to her dad at some point. Reassure her that she has your love and support, and that you are confident in her ability to talk to her dad when she is ready.

All the best to you both
Dale

helsbels · Feb 1, 2008, 04:46 AM

Thanks for your reply and I can agree with what you have said, my concern is that I know he won't believe her and he will keep on at her. She hasn't done it and he has no proof it was her. Where does she stand in this situation, I don't want to see her worn down. He seems to think the situation won't be over until he gets he to admit it ad I find that unaccepable

onlinecounsellor_Dale · Feb 1, 2008, 05:22 AM

That really sounds rough... I get the impression that you feel you and your daughter are having to reason with the 'unreasonable' (never an easy task!)...

At the moment you and your daughter's father are taking polar opposite positions - you believe passionately in her innocence and he believes equally strongly in her guilt. Amongst all this opposition there would be a common desire (i.e. for your daughter to tell the truth and not to steal), right? Try and keep this commonality in mind as you are working through the opposition.

Finally, the following questions come to mind, which I think may be useful for you to consider:

What makes your ex so ready to point the finger at your daughter and/or disbelieve her?

Has your daughter ever been in trouble for something similar in the past?

Do you really think your ex wants a 'confession' even if false, or is it that at this stage, he truly believes your daughter to have taken the money?

What enables you to believe your daughter is telling the truth? Have you shared this perspective with her father?

I hope this helps!

helsbels · Feb 1, 2008, 05:35 AM

She has never done anything like that at all she is too much of a coward for a start, and I don't believe she would she knows better. He has another step son but he says the step son wouldn't do it either. I suppose I will have to give him the money as he won't let it go until I do. I know she is innocent but I know he won't believe her and never will, he will just get nasty, the thing is I can't see her wanting to go there again and I'm not going to keep arguing with him. And I'm not having him going on at her forever