[Godpleasegrantmetruelove]

My love life is kind of funny, both major lovers of my life have same last name, both in same field, both parents from same town , but with complete opposite personalities.

Lover#A and I grew up together. He didn't confess his love to me until eight years after our initial meeting in school. He came from an abusive family, so his personality and manners were a bit complicated, I never doubt his love for me, but very difficult to deal with his emotional turmoils. After struggled to stay in relationship with him,and sacrficed myself to be there for him for eight years, I finally couldn't deal with his insecurities, lack of confidence, pessimism... well, he broke up with me and crawl right back to me many, many times... so three years ago, I finally let go completely. I was very tired and hurt, almost felt like fight in a long-lost battle for years. A few months ago, he called me, after three years. We talked, I realized he was still that same negative person, never really improved himself. I always thought that I would go back to him in an heart beat, but the truth is, I've moved on.

Lover # B-- I had crush on him since I was a teenager. He was my mentor in school. I've always admired him , but never told him . The truth was never told and was forgotten until 13 years later, I ran into him in Canada ( right after broke up with Lover #A), while I was on a business assignment. It was an instant mutual attraction. He was a soon to be patent attorney. We started dating right away, but I was still in pain from previous break up, not strong enough to deal with dating again. And his way of showing affection was physical intimacy first , then emotional attachment follows. Mine was the exact opposite, emotional intimacy first, then physical. So we got upset with each other many times because of miscommunications. I kind of picked up that he had not dated for a really long time, so didn't really know how to deal with dating . So happened that he was taking bar exam, so he withdrew for a while. Very bad timing for both of us. I wrote a really long letter, explained to how I had really liked him, but decided to say good bye because of all the problems between us, and things I wish he can improve . Then I moved back to England, for good. He looked for me after he took his test . I called him and left a message that I've moved, didn't tell him where I went. Knowing his personality, I knew he probably had deleted all my contact info.

Now it's two years later, I've done some peace corp volunteering works in Africa and SouthAmerican. Lately I've been thinking about contacting lover #B, but not sure if he already moved on? Perhaps doesn't want to even hear from me? Or don't care?

What do you guys think?

[onlinecounsellor_Dale]

Congratulations on getting to a point of acceptance and closure re Lover # A - it sounds like that was a long time in the making.

As to whether you should recontact Lover # B, I would encourage you to first be very clear on what your motivation/s are. What is your reason for wanting to call him? What is it that you want to say to him? How do you hope he will react to your call? How will you feel if you call him and don't get the response you want? You need to be prepared for this possibility as you cannot control his reaction, but you can control yours.

Finally, if you do not risk calling him, what do you stand to lose? How about gain?

Good luck with whatever you decide!
Dale

[talaniman]

One thing for sure, is you will never know, until you try.

[EuRa]

Once again, I agree with Tal.

But also, there are more than 2 fish in the sea.

[Godpleasegrantmetruelove]

Thanks.

Honestly, I was hoping to rekindle.

After two years of going around the world, I've grown and mature a lot. I've dated other guys during these two years too, and each time my thoughts would go back to lover #B. well, I should say that I am finally strong enough to face my own feelings toward him, and the way I wrongly handle "us" back then. I want to check in with him, to see if he has also grown up and become a better person during the past two years.

I guess I am prepared to hear the worst answer, not so much that he's moved on, but just no response from him, that he really doesn't care anymore, but even if that's the case, I am OK with it. I can keep going w/o regrets.

I am thinking of just writing a short greeting letter. Just to tell him where I live now. And wish him well. Knowing how prideful he was, probably did he blocked me out of his contact circle completely. The question is, do I give myself a deadline, like a time frame to wait for his repsonse before declare that he's not interested in re connect?

[onlinecounsellor_Dale]

Hi
I can see pros and cons for your letter idea. Some of the possible pros are that a letter does not put you 'on the spot' and enables you to think out just what and how you want to say it. A letter also enables your ex to have his reaction to hearing from you again in private.

Cons are that a letter is one sided and may not get a reply. Without a reply, your current curiosity as to how he has been the past two years and whether there is any opportunity for the two of you to reconcile, won't be satisfied. You will be left wondering things such as "Did the letter even get to him?".

By your letter idea it also sounds like you may be wanting to put the "ball back in his court" i.e. you give him your contact details and then wait to hear. But remember it is you that has decided to reinitiate contact, not him.

Perhaps another idea would be to write a brief letter and follow it up with a phonecall? This way you are determining the timeline and are not having to wait to hear back from him! Be honest and let him know that you are wanting to 'break the ice' with the letter/pave the way for a phonecall (as you are unsure of how he will feel about hearing from you after all this time). Keep it brief - simply tell him that you hope he is well and that he has recently been in your thoughts. Mention that you plan to give him a call in the next week or so as you are keen to catch up on his news and share with him a few revealations you have had of late. Then, when you call, he won't be caught off guard and you should be able to gauge his reaction (warm, cold or indifferent) to hearing from you early on in the call.

I hope it goes well!

[thegirlishurting]

Call B. By knowing how he is now will give you an idea what to do next. Just don't expect too much out of it, its been two yrs so lotsa things couldve happened.

Good luck!

[Godpleasegrantmetruelove]

Thanks.

I guess I am still not quite strong enough to make phone calls to him. Plus, I don't have his number anymore, nor do I know if he still lives at the same address. When I left, I thought of never going back. See, never say never! Maybe I am just trying to test the water first, like online counselor Dale stated, perhaps I want to put the ball back in his court and see his rxn. A typical passive/aggresive behavior!

I thought about possibility of his not replying the letter, on the other hand, I tried to put myself in his shoe, if he still has any slightest interest, he will read it, think about it for a while , and decide to reply or ignore. Another possibility is that, he sees my name on envelope and just trash it right away.

I was planning to keep the greeting short, throw in the description of exactly what I did these past two years: growth and mature, and write in a sentence about not sure if he is still at the same address, and wish him well with sincerity. I just assumed that if he wants to tell me where he is now, I will hear something back.

I am planning to give it one month for the reply, but still go about my business at mean time. After all, it takes two to tangle, if he has moved on, whether it's having someone else, or emotionally moved on, maybe leaving the sleep dog alone is the best, in that case, a month is enough time to cut my hopes off.

Am I in the right mind frame?