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    Scottish2008 Posts: 501, Reputation: 32
    Senior Member
     
    #1

    Jan 30, 2008, 06:56 AM
    An Anniversary Gift for His Wife
    A friend sent this to me and I thought it was pretty funny. I had to share it with you all.

    An Anniversary Gift for His Wife
    You may want to re-consider the purchase of a taser for protection of
    Yourself or a loved one. Read further for info.


    This is one of those stories where you begin to chuckle... then find
    Yourself laughing out loud. Enjoy

    Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for t he wife. A guy who purchased
    His lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
    Sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
    Looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
    Across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
    The taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
    Affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
    Safety..?

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
    Home.

    I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed th e button.
    Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned , however, that if I pushed the
    Button AND pressed it against a metal
    Surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting
    Back and forth between the prongs.

    AWESOME!!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
    On the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
    It couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
    (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
    That I really needed to try this thing out on
    A flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
    Second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
    Was going to give this thing to my wife to
    Protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
    Would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
    Glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
    Hand, and taser in another.

    The directions said that a one-se cond burst would shock and disorient
    Your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
    And a major loss of bodily control;
    A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
    Ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
    Would be wasting the batteries.
    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
    long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
    (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
    Thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
    best...? ? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
    cocke d to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a
    one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
    that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of
    it. I touched the prongs to
    My naked thigh, pu shed the button, and . . .

    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
    up in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
    over and over again.

    I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
    tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
    nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked
    Under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

    The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
    before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it
    Again, stupid, do it again!"

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
    note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
    zap yourself!

    You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
    by a violent thrashing about on the flo or.

    A three-second burst would be considered conservative?

    SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be
    sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits
    (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
    reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get
    up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
    twitching. My face felt
    like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
    lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant
    reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!

    P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

    "If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."

    Always remember no matter where
    You go, there you are!
    Marydoll's Avatar
    Marydoll Posts: 30, Reputation: 1
    Junior Member
     
    #2

    Jan 30, 2008, 07:08 AM
    HAHAHA! Good one!

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