[Scottish2008]

A friend sent this to me and I thought it was pretty funny. I had to share it with you all.

An Anniversary Gift for His Wife
You may want to re-consider the purchase of a taser for protection of
Yourself or a loved one. Read further for info.


This is one of those stories where you begin to chuckle... then find
Yourself laughing out loud. Enjoy

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for t he wife. A guy who purchased
His lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
Sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
Looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
Across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
The taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
Affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
Safety..?

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
Home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed th e button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned , however, that if I pushed the
Button AND pressed it against a metal
Surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting
Back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
On the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
It couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
That I really needed to try this thing out on
A flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
Second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
Was going to give this thing to my wife to
Protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
Would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
Glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
Hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-se cond burst would shock and disorient
Your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
And a major loss of bodily control;
A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
Ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
Would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
Thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...? ? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocke d to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of
it. I touched the prongs to
My naked thigh, pu shed the button, and . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked
Under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it
Again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the flo or.

A three-second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get
up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."

Always remember no matter where
You go, there you are!

[Marydoll]

HAHAHA! Good one!