[LostWithoutHim08]

OK I recently posted a bullentin stating my fiancés currently in prison. But now he wants me to spend some time trying to get closer with his family... but I don't know how. His mom is the typical kind. Protective and not trying to let any woman near her 1st son and his sisters like me well at least one of them... and frankly I'm scared to death at the idea of having a conversation with *mommy dearest*... any tips?

[jrebel7]

Lostwithouthim08, I have to tell you sometimes this is not an easy journey and it is one that takes a lot of work and determination at times but it is sort of like, "Love me, love my dog", have you heard that before, well, "Love me, love my family". It isn't all on you though. So don't approach it from that stand point. It takes work on both parts.

The first thing would be to decide if you love the guy enough to adjust your thinking about his mother. Calling her "mommy dearest", I do get that but being a mother-in-law, and having had a mother-in-law and from things friends have shared of their stories, the best advice I can give is to approach her in an open fashion. Be forthright, secure within yourself no matter how she treats you. Since you state he wants you to spend some time trying to get closer, I am assuming you have met and spent a little time with her?

Treat her with respect. I wouldn't say too much about your feelings for her son at this time. Too much too fast might cause her to be a little protective or defensive, depending.

My daughter-in-law came to our home for the first few times and wouldn't talk. I openly accepted her but she held back. At first I thought she didn't care for me but after many visits with her, came to know she was extremely shy. She felt so intimidated by me and I was being as warm and accepting as I knew how. Sometimes it is just the "mother-in-law horror stories" we have heard. We are now best of friends and she e-mails me every day with photos of my three grandchildren and says I taught her how to be open with people through my example. I felt that was a high compliment to me. I treasure her.

I believe that can be just the reverse also. You can win her over by just being warm, asking her about her interests, doesn't have to be long visits, just making the effort. How you speak about her son, will tell her a lot about you as a person.

I had an attitude with my mother-in-law when I first got into the family. She did not come across as a warm person, rarely talked. It was a large family and I was very young. I worked at being open even though I just wanted to disappear into the carpet. She accepted me totally and I came to love and respect her so much. I learned a lot through her. We were total opposites. She could snap a sentence and I would think my neck might break. My husband has always said he has had to change his tone of voice when he speaks to me or my mother or we think he is angry. His whole family tends to just speak bluntly with not much decorum whereas my family would walk a mile never to insult or hurt feelings. I learned to appreciate her forthrightness and sometimes, I did have to just state matter of factly if I disagreed as time went on but we both came to love and accept each other.

Others will have good ideas for you. Mine might not work for you. If not, just take from it what does work, and be yourself. No need to pretend if you are going to be in the family, but there is a respectful distance we tend to keep in the beginning and it gives time for each to sort of take in everything about the other person.

You might check the "Similar Questions" listed at the bottom of this page. There might be some good information or suggestions there. Best to you.

[kp2171]

When the situation is complicated all you can do is be true to yourself and be willing to think about the long run if you are really committed.

I've been married to my wife for nearly 8 years now, together for ten. Her father didn't exactly dislike me, but he also didn't think I was the best for his "little girl".

In time, through my actions, he came to see that I was in this for her and him, not just me... that I was vested in the family as a whole. Actions, over time, can conquer a lot.

So... if you care about this man, try your best to be respectful and also sincere. You are who you are. You don't need to let yourself be walked on. Its not good.

At the same time, a parents love for their child is large. It is all encompassing. So... don't be too intimidated. I think if you have a good relationship with a sibling, that is a good sign.

When you marry the man, you marry the family. You don't have to place yourself second to them... but you do need to try to find a bridge between your needs and theirs.

Marriage is about love and trust and commitment, but also it requires compromise. You need to pick your battles.

I hope all works out well for you.

[ellenbrn]

Leave him he is in jail duh

[jrebel7]

I have a friend whose son is in prison, made some bad decisions, he has a girl friend that has stayed with him throughout his ordeal. She makes contact with my friend and it helps both she and her son. My friend shares visit time with the girfriend even though my friend drives three hours for the short visit.

Everyone makes bad choices, not everyone gets caught. I believe everyone deserves a second chance. If this guy and gal are engaged and he is wanting her to try to be closer to his mother and family, apparently she has made the commitment to this relationship and to their future when he gets out. She doesn't seem to be asking whether she should stay in the relationship or not, just about the request made by her fiancé to get closer to his mother and family.

There is always time to sort through all the issues of why this guy is in jail and whether it might happen again, (which we were not told why), some people are there who should not be, other's are not who should be.

We all have our challenges in life.

[LostWithoutHim08]

Hi everyone... all of your advice has been helpful... but I'm not going to leave him, he is a good man (regardless of his current situation), he has never purposely hurt me, and I love him. Leaving him is not the question although I appreciate everyone's advice... About the jail thing though. Yes he has had repeated problems with the law but anyone who has been in love with someone, I mean truly in love can tell when their changing... growing, and I honestly believe he's past his "bad guy" period of life and he's becoming a better person. Me and him have been through so much and to leave after working so hard on us and finally getting so close to where we want to be is out of the question. On the other hand His mother isn't exactly easy to be open with... I hate to say it but she's kind of childish, and I really do think she just doesn't like me. I guess its because his family gossips and apparently someone told her I was pregnant a few years ago, and that's when she first heard we were serious, besides the fact she knew me and him were dating. However the pregnancy was totally made up by someone (I'm not sure who) Who saw I gained a few pounds and assumed I was. I guess she gained her attitude toward me from that rumor. And his oldest sister thinks I'm "stuck up" Which also isn't true, I have no clue where she would get an idea like that since the only time she's actually held a conversation with me is maybe 3 mintues here and there. But the majority of his cousins love me, and his brother and youngest sister... His father also loves me but his parents are separated and how his father feels has no real value with his mother :(... I;m not a shy person but its just how can I get them to understand I love him and I'm a good person when they have their minds made up I'm the opposite?

[talaniman]

Be yourself, and put your best foot forward, and if they don't accept you, leave them alone.