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Angela713 · Jan 28, 2008, 07:12 AM

I am a 40-year old single professional, who's never been married and for the past 8 months, my 57 year old mother has had to come live with me. She is with me because she is not good with money, etc and every since I was 14 years old, even while she was married to my stepfather, I have been the one to financially support her. I, being the oldest of 4 children, have always actually played the 'mother' role. When my stepfather died of cancer in 1997, he left my mother close to $300,000 in life insurance; in addition, she collects his military retirement pay (about $1000) monthly. To this date all the money is gone except for the recurring monthly retirement pay. That is not enough for her to live on; so she finally moved in with me last year. For the past 4 years leading up to her living with me, I have constantly had to assist paying her rent, utilities, etc. I found out that she was borrowing from friends and sometimes was unable to pay them back. All in all, now she lives with me, and I hate to admit it, but I am so very tired of playing 'the mature one'. I really don't have much of a life outside of work and home. She has 2 dogs that I help care for as well. I can't even date the way I want to date. It's hard meeting men, at my age, and having to tell them that they can't come to my house because my mother is there. I feel like I'm never going to be able to get ahead. My mother doesn't pay for anything. She takes ALL of her monthly pay and pays her bills, etc. Always, I am the one to pay mortgage, my car note, her hair appts, fuel in her car (as well as mine), and for all food bills and utilities. It's like I'm made of money. I just wish she'd care about what this is actually doing to me. I have no help from my other siblings and they don't offer much. My sister and her husband have asked my mom to come live with them - but it's for purely selfish reasons - to help them with the 18 month old son they have, and the new kid that is on the way. Am I a horrible daughter to just fill tired of everything and want her to leave? Please tell me if I am acting in a bad way, but I feel like running away from everything and NEVER looking back. I love and respect my mother, I only wish she'd do the same for me.:confused:

mafiaangel180 · Jan 28, 2008, 07:28 AM

No you aren't terrible. I wouldn't give her a hand out. I would give her a hand up by telling her that the situation just isn't working. She needs to move out, be on her own, handle her own bills, etc. I am shocked that all her money is gone. But she is grown and that is her choice. You can show her some ways to manage her money, but it probably won't really help.

talaniman · Jan 28, 2008, 10:14 AM

Its your house and your life, and you should lay down some rules and if she can't follow them, its time for her to go. Be firm.

wolfcandy2 · Jan 28, 2008, 10:17 AM

Time for mom to get out on her own... tough love time as its called

Wondergirl · Jan 28, 2008, 10:23 AM

I'd love to know what she did with the $300,000.

$1000 a month should get her a small apartment plus groceries and utilities. (I know people who are managing on less.) Check with the county and get a social worker assigned to her. She isn't 62 yet, but there are services available to her.

Tough love - yes!

wolfcandy2 · Jan 28, 2008, 10:31 AM

I get by on a measly $637 a month SSi for being disabled from cancer,if I can do it,your mom can

AKaeTrue · Jan 28, 2008, 10:35 AM

You may feel like you resent your mother because you've had to be the
Adult figure in her life as far back as you can remember.
Perhaps her living with your sister would not be a bad idea.
They could help her and in return, she could help them with their children-seems fair.
That doesn't seem selfish to me...
Hope it all works out for you and her.

bsluss · Dec 14, 2008, 09:23 AM

Angela:

I did a Google search asking the same question you did. I read your post and it's very similar to my situation, only my mother has been with me for 10 years. It's cost me my marriage and several relationships afterward. It's about to cost another one real soon.

When Dad passed he had a bunch of CD's for Mom to live on; by the time my mother moved in, it was all gone and I am left holding the bag.

She is almost 82 and am 45. I hate the situation I am in. And I am amazed at how many people don't really care to help; mostly because no one can stand to be around her for more than a few minutes.

I see your posting was earlier in the year; so I don't even know if you'll see this. I hope so.